The Kalwejt Foundation for the Promotion of Atlas Hilarity

[Some of My Best Friends Are Gay]

HP,

I don't like singing

[Donerail]

This reminds me a lot of Austria in 1947, when the Verbotsgesetz was passed.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

You called him an ad hominem, which we all know is hominemophobic. Don't try to obfuscate.

[GeorgiaModerate]

Hey yall my name is Matt Bevin, No contraception tis of the devil, therefore I have 9 kids, Science aint real, we got snow not global warming, and what are these germs? Can't even see em! I wonder what party I should join?

[Technocracy Timmy]

Context:

The backseat of your parent's SUV

[fhtagn]

I’m going to do some community service for this forum during these trying times.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

[💥💥 brandon bro (he/him/his)]

(snip)

You are a sanctimonious hypocrite. If you're going to bitch and moan about Badger telling you to kys then you shouldn't celebrate somebody else making light of the Prevention Lifeline.

To think I actually had a sliver of sympathy for you when Badger did that. Turns out that, like with everything else you post on this forum, you were wielding your outrage in bad faith. What a travesty.

e: OP deleted the original post, which is good and takes integrity, but you celebrating it is still very disappointing.

[fhtagn]

(snip)

You are a sanctimonious hypocrite. If you're going to bitch and moan about Badger telling you to kys then you shouldn't celebrate somebody else making light of the Prevention Lifeline.

To think I actually had a sliver of sympathy for you when Badger did that. Turns out that, like with everything else you post on this forum, you were wielding your outrage in bad faith. What a travesty.

e: OP deleted the original post, which is good and takes integrity, but you celebrating it is still very disappointing.

Telling people to kill themselves directly, including making assumptions of the way they have previously attempted to kill themselves =/= this joke.

If you can't see that, then might I suggest finding a map so you aren't so lost.

[RINO Tom]

He’s not perfect, just like Harris’s launch was good but not perfect, but she has the resources like Hilary has and likely has her endorsement.  Trump could be vulnerable, despite no crimes in the Mueller Report.  Could still leave office under duress/impeachment/indictment.  Needs black vote to be split, so Dems should push for reforms in the Voting Act like eliminating Prez Day for Voting day Holiday and granting DC statehood.  All by bypassing legislative filibuster, with Trifecta in 2020, will all eliminate the possibility of a Speaker McCarthy, and give us Secular Speaker Pelosi.  Jay F. Kerry returns as Secretary of State under Kamala, like Jay E. Hoover alliance with Cuba, against Ted Cruz’s father, who helped him beat Beto.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

***

This is the Atlas Forum, interfacing humanity, representing every race, color, creed, and persuasion, that DAVE, no matter how he is worshipped, chose, in His infinite wisdom, to deposit here, in the cultural nexus of the Internets.

More than 6.000 users post and work here, and like any other place anywhere, there are those who have it and those who want it.

Those who have it, enjoy it, no matter how they got it. Those who want it, can get it by attempting to better themselves in a sympathetic community populated by decent citizens cheering them on.

Or else, they can try to take it the easy way.

Because even in the Internets, from time to time, some halos slip.

That's where I come in, doing my job to the best of my ability on a daily basis.

***

I'm Kalwejt. I work here. I carry a badge. I'm a mod.

***

[💥💥 brandon bro (he/him/his)]

(snip)

You are a sanctimonious hypocrite. If you're going to bitch and moan about Badger telling you to kys then you shouldn't celebrate somebody else making light of the Prevention Lifeline.

To think I actually had a sliver of sympathy for you when Badger did that. Turns out that, like with everything else you post on this forum, you were wielding your outrage in bad faith. What a travesty.

e: OP deleted the original post, which is good and takes integrity, but you celebrating it is still very disappointing.

Telling people to kill themselves directly, including making assumptions of the way they have previously attempted to kill themselves =/= this joke.

If you can't see that, then might I suggest finding a map so you aren't so lost.

Seems pretty unlikely that a poster who was genuinely offended by somebody telling themselves to commit suicide would get a good laugh at somebody else using suicide as a prop for a very mean-spirited joke, no? Like, people talk sh**t about each other all the time on this forum but telling somebody to kill him/herself crosses a line for pretty obvious reasons. The post in question here pretty obviously crossed that line as well.

I don't expect a response from you that isn't a snark-riddled deflection but you should take a minute and do some honest self-reflection before replying. Best response is maybe to say nothing because I know better than to expect a mea culpa from you.

[GeorgiaModerate]

Late 30s Donald Trump:

“Your favorite President has just made the greatest deal because Germany has great respect for Trump’s very, very large brain.  We are going to have the biggest, most beautiful peace our time has ever seen, believe me.  It will last for, like, a thousand years.”

“Crooked FDR can’t even stand up straight.  Sad.”

“Paying my employees minimum wage was, like, my own personal World War I.”  

“Why won’t the FBI investigate Alcoholic Al Smith’s 33,000 missing letters to The Vaticancer?  Drunk State coverup!  Very UNfair!”  

“Pearl Harbor was never attacked.  This is just another lie by the FAKE news media!”  

“We firebombed Tokyo bigly this morning.  They were the biggest, most beautiful fireworks ever and all because of your very favorite President.  I, like, totally brought the 14th of July to Japan, but the fake news media doesn’t want you to hear about it.  VERY unfair!”

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Context

I was vaccinated as a child, yes.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

From the cave:

Some people just don't appreciate simplified spelling, tho I realize it hasn't a gost of a chance of succeeding at present. Þat sed, Ay yužally limit myself tu just eliminatiŋ þe "gh" digraf in wurdz like "enuf". Eliminating "gh" doesn't cause confusion as some more radical reforms might.

[Mad Deadly Worldwide Communist Gangster Computer God]

Hmm, interesting and circumspect question. At this point it's quite hard to size up Yang, but I could see his nomination shaving a little bit off of margins with Jews. He'd still probably win though (although it's hard to say because we haven't seen a candidate like this before) by the skin of his teeth. That being said, he is quite sharp and has some cutting-edge ideas. Maybe if he wanted to get ahead with this demographic, he could forcibly remove any of these divisive issues from his platform.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"Ever hear the tragedy of Darth Kentucky the Coal Mining State?"

[Sestak]

1980: Rep George W. Bush beats Kent Hance 53-47 to win re-election to TX-19th
1982: Rep George W. Bush beats Morris Sheats 56-44 to win re-election to TX-19th.
1984: Rep George W. Bush wins re-election unopposed.
1986: George W. Bush wins the Republican primary for Governor against Bill Clements 53-40 and knocks out Mark White 50-45.
1990: George W. Bush beats Jim Mattox 58-42 to win re-election to the Governorship.
1992: George W. Bush primaries George H.W Bush, calling for a new generation of Bush in the Oval Office. George H.W Bush signs onto Lyndon LaRouche's independent campaign as VP.
Results
Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)/First Lady Barbara Bush (R-TX): 38%
Governor Bill Clinton (D-AR)/Senator Al Gore (D-TN): 37%
Lyndon LaRouche (I-AMERICA)/President George H.W Bush (D-TX): 20%
Ross Perot/Morris Sheats: 1%

The electoral map is this.

George W. Bush gets 294 electoral votes and is inaugurated as President. However, because Barbara is also from Texas, the Texas electors can't vote for her and so scatter among various Bush relatives, leaving her with 262 to Gore's 244. The Senate votes for Gore over Bush 54-46.
Thus, we get Bush/Gore in the White House.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Survivor is a satirical novel by Chuck Palahniuk, first published in February 1999. The book tells the story of Tender Branson, a member of the Creedish Church, a death cult. The chapters and pages are numbered backwards in the book, beginning with Chapter 47 on page 289 and ending with page 1 of Chapter 1.

Tender Branson sits in the cockpit of a Boeing 747-400, telling his life story to the black box. He is alone in the plane, having hijacked it; he has released all of the plane's passengers and crew prior to this point. He explains the events leading up to the hijacking.

Tender is a member of the fanatical Creedish cult, which engaged in a mass suicide ten years previously. He is one of the Creedish members who was sent out into the world to work as a servant, and send his income back to the Creedish community. Creedish members have been steadily killing themselves since the mass suicide, in keeping with their belief that the deliverance is at hand. At the start of his story, Tender works as the housekeeper. At his dingy apartment, he gets phone calls from people who want to kill themselves—the result of a newspaper misprint which printed his phone number as the number for a suicide prevention hotline.

One of the calls comes from a Trevor Hollis, a man who wants to kill himself because of the nightmares he has been having about disasters, like plane crashes or fires. Tender tells Trevor to kill himself, and soon after, reads his obituary in the paper. One day, Tender goes to the mausoleum to steal fake flowers for his employer's garden, and decides to visit Trevor's tomb while he is there. At the tomb, he meets Trevor's sister, Fertility, and they talk. Later that night, Tender has his weekly meeting with his caseworker from the Federal Survivor Retention Program, a government agency that keeps tabs on the survivors of suicide cults.

Tender describes how, ten years previously, someone leaked the Church's doings (i.e. cult brainwashing, tax evasion, unregistered births) to the police of Bolster County, Nebraska, and the FBI are put on the case. The FBI move in to arrest the cult leaders only to find the entire community dead in an act of mass suicide upon hearing the news. The remaining survivors are expected to be prepared for such an event (called the "Deliverance" by the Church), and kill themselves as soon as they hear the news.

After their meeting, Fertility calls Tender thinking she has called the crisis hotline. Tender soon realizes it's Fertility, so he begins to talk to her in a fake voice. Because it is revealed later that Fertility is psychic and knows "everything", it is understood that she knows at this point that she is speaking to Tender. Eventually, she asks the man at the "crisis hotline" (i.e. Tender) to have phone sex with her, but he hangs up after turning her down. He then stops answering his phone in fear that Fertility will be on the other line, wanting to have phone sex or growing more attracted to him as a mysterious voice than as a person.

At home, Tender receives a suspicious call from a man he recognizes as a member of the Creedish Church, and he soon realizes that the murderer of Creedish survivors is actually Creedish himself.

On a date, Tender and Fertility ride the bus downtown, where a stranger rudely begins telling them facile jokes pointed at the Creedish mass suicide. Tender recognizes the man's pants as Creedish dress, and suddenly recognizes the man as Adam, his twin brother. Tender speaks Adam's name aloud, but when Adam asks if they are brothers, he desperately denies it.

Tender soon learns that he has become one of the last two survivors of the Creedish Church. The caseworker has him go over photos of dead Creedish to see if he can identify the other survivor, but he already knows it to be his brother Adam. He begins receiving phone calls from journalists and agents wanting his story. The caseworker manages to suffocate on a chemical solution of ammonia and chlorine that she was using to clean the fireplace, which had been secretly mixed together by Adam, and whose intended target was Tender. Adam steals the caseworker's files on the Creedish suicides immediately after the murder. The police suspect Tender, but he claims innocence and slips away. Tender, meanwhile, calls an agent and takes a flight to New York that very night. Thus begins his road to stardom.

The agent's company has been planning for years to turn the last survivor of the Creedish cult into a religious celebrity. They create a fake history for Tender and completely overhaul his body. He is given steroid injections, health food, teeth caps, and is made to exercise and diet incessantly until he is the model of attractiveness. It is made clear by the agent that no one will worship an ugly religious leader. Tender is entirely agreeable to all of it, as he has no will to live and desires fame only in order to have an enormous audience for when he commits suicide.

As his agent's plans are realized, Tender's fame grows. Tender is constantly waiting for the opportune moment to kill himself, and continually puts it off as circumstances fail to meet his criteria. Then, as his popularity starts to wane, the agent tells him that he needs to perform a miracle in order to stay famous. It is then that Fertility finds Tender and gives him a prediction to make on TV that will seem like a miracle when it comes true. Naturally, it does, and Tender's fame swells to even greater proportions.

This pattern goes on for some time, until the Super Bowl comes up and Tender's agent plans him an elaborate wedding to take place at half-time, following which, Tender will issue another miraculous prediction. The day of the Super Bowl, the agent dies, Tender is married, and as the police come to arrest him, Tender predicts that the Colts will beat the Cardinals 27-24. The stadium erupts in a chaos as angry football fans pour out of their seats to chase Tender and it is all the police can do to stop the crowd from mobbing him to death. Tender escapes with Adam and Fertility to a Ronald McDonald House. The three then begin their journey across the country by hitching rides in semi-trucks transporting incomplete sections of houses from one location to another.

Adam and Tender, then, steal a car that Fertility foretold would be unlocked in a particular parking lot. Attached to the dashboard is a little commercial figurine of Tender. The brothers, heading north to Canada, come to the Tender Branson Sensitive Materials Sanitary Landfill on the way. As they drive through it, Adam begins recounting the way the Church leaders terrorized the children into fearing sex by forcing them to watch every time a woman went into labor. Tender denies this, but it is unclear whether he simply doesn't want to remember, or whether he actually can't remember because the trauma is buried so deep in his memory. Adam believes the only way to cure Tender is for Tender to have sex—to reject the Church doctrine at its core. Tender resists, and as Adam recounts the details of the "mental castration" (as he calls it), Tender loses control and crashes the car into a giant concrete pylon in the middle of the landfill.

The crash causes the airbags to deploy, and the one on the passenger's side sends the Tender figurine into Adam's left eye. Adam pulls out the figurine and asks Tender to find a rock and hit him with it. Tender refuses, but Adam asks him to find any rock that he can just to disfigure him with, pleading that if he goes to jail for his murders, he doesn't want the other inmates to even think about sexually abusing him. Tender reluctantly agrees to do this, as long as Adam will tell him when to stop, but Adam keeps telling him to swing again until it is too late and Adam dies. Immediately afterwards, Fertility shows up in a taxicab and takes Tender away from the landfill. They go back to Oregon, and Fertility plans to go on a quick job assignment to make some money. Fertility's job is being a surrogate mother for couples who can't conceive (Fertility is actually a pseudonym—her real name is Gwen); however, Fertility actually happens to be barren, so her job is, in essence, prostitution. The job she takes coincidentally happens to be for Tender's former employers. In the middle of the night, Tender sneaks into the house, and Fertility has sex with him in the guest bedroom (for a short while, for according to Tender, he only got in her a half an inch and it was over).

The next morning, Tender wakes up, and Fertility tells him that she's pregnant. She then leaves for the airport to board a plane to Sydney, Australia. In her planner that she leaves behind, Tender reads that someone is going to hijack the plane and crash it into the Australian outback. Following Fertility to the airport, Tender finds her, takes Adam's gun (which she has stashed in an urn purportedly containing her brother's cremated remains), and uses it to board the plane. He then begins searching for the "real" hijacker until the joke dawns on him and he realizes that he is the hijacker. The plot thus returns to the beginning, with Tender telling his life story. He mentions that Fertility told him there was a way for him to escape the plane before it crashes, but on the record, he can't seem to figure it out. The book ends mid-sentence, but without any definitive answer as to whether Tender lives or dies. However, it has been stated by the author that Tender survives, and an explanation is available on Chuck Palahniuk's official website.

[Virginiá]

Context: Trump and Republicans Out for Payback

Once Hickenlooper meets with McConnell....Im sure they'll tone it down

[DINGO Joe]

Opinion of Suburban NJ

Beep Boop 2.0. Needs to learn to detect sarcasm etc.

FF

I'm dying.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Fascism HAS come to America and it IS in the form of warning function!

First they came for the white supremacists and I did not speak out –
Because I was not a white supremacist.  

Then they came for the anti-Semites and I did not speak out –
Because I was not an anti-Semite.
  
Then they came for the rape apologists and I did not speak out –
Because I was not a rape apologist.  

Then they came for the trolls – and there was much rejoicing.  

[Sestak]

Meant to write “tossup”, the autocorrect completely changed the meaning of this, which makes me think it belongs here.

Gossip, but Finkenauer definitely looks much better than Axne.

[Pericles]

Yes.

[Biden 2024]

I see this Runoff campaign has alienated neighbors, family members & friends.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Fascism HAS come to America and it IS in the form of warning function!

The rules state that trolling is not allowed on this forum. That must not apply to you.

Well, my friend, given your record you are literally the last person that should accuse anybody of trolling. You should be more concerned about changing your behavior that led to you being placed on warning in first place, instead of throwing a hissy fit here. I'm telling you this in all sincerity.

Atlas has always been a place that gives posters many opportunities to improve before the big hammer is dropped. You've been on warning before, you're on warning now, draw your conclusion. Because if you don't see the problem, then we can't help you.

All I am asking for is to be treated equally. I have been targeted and personally harassed countless times. I have been targeted by moderators as well because of my viewpoints. I am accused of being a troll simply because I have viewpoints that differ from the majority of those on this forum. When I accuse somebody of being a troll, they are actually trolling.

A present