The Nyman Questioner (DFW BOMBSHELL)

[Wells]

I think Atlasia needs a tabloid. PM me if you want to be a reporter. Our first story will be coming as soon as the person it's about gives us a comment.

Owner - Mike Wells
Editor-in-Chief - Mike Wells
Senior Reporter - Isaac Cummings
Gossip Columnist - Doof F. W. Liberty Lover
Chief Political Analyst - Isaac Cummings
Reporters - Ted Bessell, Mike Wells, Princess Emily El Brown-Smith
Intern - LLR
Former Reporters - Cora Xion

Haters - Whitney Winfield, N. C. Yankee

Shining Endorsements:

I love it.

Excellent piece.

Fake fake news.

I will consider this all fake news until the Nyman Questioner reports otherwise, why would they lie to me?

Great coverage - very flattering!

ENDORSED

Now that is truly brilliant satire!

I just binge read this thread. This is probably the greatest thing to ever happen to Atlasia.

[Wells]

Category: Serious News

SoFE Peebs Attempts To Memorize Constitution to Prevent More Errors

Reports out of Nyman suggest that Peebs has been inspired by a recent error to take measures which would ensure she will not make similar mistakes in the future. Our source tells us that she has locked herself in her office with only a pair of scissors, a copy of the Fourth Constitution of Atlasia, and Prime Minister of Fremont Harry Truman. A transcript of a recording, from a tape player placed very conspicuously just outside the not-at-all soundproof door of the office, can be read here:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

We reached out to Peebs for comment and were sent an email that said: “I’m busy avoiding windjammer atm, give you a real comment soon, don’t publish without me.”

[Wells]

The Nyman Questioner has to announce our newest reporter: Cora*.

*Yes, our standards are that low.

[Wells]

Category: Real News

BREAKING: DFW'S DRUNKEN DISTEMPERAMENT

A very credible source has called us to tell us about recent happenings regarding our supposedly respected and impressive president. He has told us that while visiting Anaheim, D. F. W. Liberty Lover drank way too much, even for someone like him. What happened next is so startling that we can barely keep writing - D. F. W. became obnoxious and may have even harassed some people. At this point UFC fighter Cris Cyborg became extremely annoyed at D. F. W.'s actions and floored him. All of this resulted in D. F. W. spending one night in prison. We cannot say whether our venerable president was charged, but our source did have some choice words about the whole affair. "Nasty business," he said to us. "Explains a lot about his recent decisions."

We have now hired this source as our chief political analyst, whether he likes it or not.

[Wells]

I can confirm that Mike wells is secretly Hillary Clinton, it would explain his love for wall street and his hating of visiting the states of Wisconsin and Michigan, time for a good ole fashioned riot to throw him out of office IMO

This post is confusing. Why would someone post something they know is false? It makes no sense.

[Wells]

Category: Editorial
Special Statement On Impeachment

Since our explosive anti-D. F. W. editorial, some people have floated the idea of impeachment for D. F. W. They say that Given that President dfwlibertylover has attacked the freedom of the press by labelling many news stories he does not like as "fake news", Given that he assassinated the character of a highly respected elected official with lies of his own in the same breath as calling other news sources and stories fake, Given that he encouraged the citizens of a region already suffering bouts of violence to become even more violent and forcibly remove their democratically elected governor from office on the basis that his lies were true, Given that he encouraged citizens of Atlasia to harm themselves to the point where the brain damage is so extensive that their eyesight suffers, Given that all these instances are signs of a temperament not fit for the highest office in this great nation, Therefore, President dfwlibertylover shall hereby be impeached by the House of Representatives of Atlasia. I must say that is ridiculous. Under no circumstances will I support impeaching the President of the Atlasia over pretty much nothing. I mean, sure, all that seems bad and stuff, but I'm sure that it was just locker room talk. If the president can talk about second amendment people and still be. . .

Um, back to fake real life, what really matters is that while I understand why someone would take those articles of impeachment seriously: please don't. President D. F. W. Liberty Lover has threatened to sue us been a great president and I don't see why we should stop him over some silly little things like the articles of impeachment I posted above. Most of those are over exaggerated anyway. ". . . attacked freedom of the press. . . " I mean really? Uh I don't see that anywhere. Nope. Not in a single place. ". . . assassinated the character. . . " Hillary Clinton is another highly respected official among certain circles and I can't imagine why someone would take offense to being confused with her.

I've been told by my lawyers that I'm not being kind enough to D. F. W. (despite putting his name in caps like what's more respectful than that smh), so I'll say that all those articles of impeachment above are complete fabrications, even more than saying I'm Hillary Cli -





My lawyers would like me to tell you that President D. F. W. Liberty Lover did not, in fact ever go to jail, especially not for getting drunk and harassing people and being floored by UFC fighters. That is all.


(Also, if none of this convinced you, then at least keep D. F. W. in office, then we can at least keep him in there as a commentary on the sad state of politics right now. And no matter what my lawyers make me say, I still stand by the 5 yy5t gfbvv gdxyguh

[Wells]

I am posting these stories on behalf of our chief political analyst.


Category: Underexaggerated News

THE RAMBLINGS OF A FAILURE; THE DELUSIONS OF A HAS-BEEN

Written by: Isaac Cummings

OUR AUGUST PRESIDENT seems have finally recovered from his recent… indiscretions.  However, all of his attention seems to have been caught up in attacking the freedom of the press rather than doing the job that he was elected to do.  Apparently issues like healthcare have been swept aside in order for our so called President to focus on attacking our beloved constitution; indeed, even privately demanding that the freedom of the press be removed!  The people of Atlasia ought to be wondering how such a blatently un-Atlasian person got elected to the highest office in the land – and indeed, why our elected politicians are doing nothing about this?

Well, if the moneysuckers of Nyman won’t, the Questioner will.  I wish to announce our latest campaign; the #DraftCyborg campaign.  Since this President is so determined to cling on to that office for the rest of his life, we need someone who can stand up to our corrupt establishment, and who better than the person who in one swift punch managed to floor him last week?  I call on all our readers to please tweet their support for this campaign using the hashtag #DraftCyborg, so we can get a President who’ll truly fight for this country – in more ways than one!

FAILED POLITICIAN Justin T. Cuber is trying to join the Nyman gravy train after a failed campaign for re-election last month.  The entirely of his Senate campaign is based on a campaign to amend Atlasia’s election laws, after their contradictory nature (obvious to anyone with half a brain, but clearly not to our elected politicians who seem to prefer bar brawling) which may sound noble, but my sources in the Cuber campaign tell me worrying stories about the commitment of the former speaker is to that aim.

“He’s even worse than Ms Peebs” says my very trustworthy source.  “I mean the man stops listening when we start talking about policy and takes a Rubik’s Cube out of his pocket; he’s never read the Elections Act”.  She also told me how long it took him to finish the cube; but I will keep that information private as to not embarrass the soon to be failed Senate candidate – although I will say that it does take a long time to peel the stickers off and put them back on again.


Category: Underexaggerated News

STOP PRESS: PRESIDENT AND CABINET MEMBER IN SORDID LOVE TRIANGLE?

Written by: Isaac Cummings

Details are incredibly sketchy about this, but my sources are telling me of another scandal ripping through the White House today.

The President and his Internal Secretary have been involved in a long term affair for months now – ever wonder why the lovely Frank defected parties so easily? – but the talk running through the corridors of the White House is the potential shock involvement of Southern Speaker Timmy Turner in the relationship?

Indeed, I have an audiotape of a private conversation had by Timmy in his private office last week, where he seemed to be mourning the loss of his special colleague.  “I miss Frank”, he says in this recording; “She really whipped us into shape”.

I also wish to note that two of these candidates have claimed in their recent campaigns to stand up for family values.  Now I don’t think that Polygamy is at all bad; but I don’t think that is an opinion publically held by all three of the people that are involved in this scandal.  Indeed, the one that probably has the most to lose from this is Speaker Timmy – after all; his squeaky clean image is his trade, and when you remove that, what does he truly have?

[Wells]

TNQ Special Announcement

We would like to welcome or newest reporter Ted Bessell and our newest intern Peebs.

We would also like to say you to President D. F. W. Liberty Lover, a tabloid was our idea, you can't steal it just because you're jealous.

[Wells]

Category: Underexaggerated News

D. F. W. BUYS IN, THE ENQUIRER SELLS OUT

Written by: Isaac Cummings

THE PRESIDENT seems to have found another plan in his attack against free journalism – merely setting up his own state news company.

The failing Atlasian Enquirer – who recently had to sell their offices to Goodwill to cover their rising debts - was purchased by the President last night.  He reportedly plans to cover the news in a light acceptable to the regime, and attack independent news organisations like the Nyman Questioner.  Sources say that this is in response to rising support of the #DraftCyborg campaign; which trended on twitter last night.

The first issue showed no improvement from recent editions, containing a series of deluded rants about Questioner staff, attacks on the President’s political opponents, and the usual scurrilous content contained within the pages of the Enquirer.

This shows how scared the President is of the Questioner, and the truths that we have revealed about his personal life.  If he feels the need to buy a failing newspaper just to get a positive voice in the press, then how committed is he to the values that we all hold dear?  If he continues this attack against the Freedom of the Press, then what other rights will he take away from the people of Atlasia?  Will he also buy the failing Star and try to monopolise the money-losing newspaper industry?  Surely these irrational actions are those of a man who is incapable of serving as President?

The Questioner has only ever stood on one aim: to tell the truths that others are too scared to tell.  Clearly the President doesn’t want the truth told, so seeks to run those willing to tell it out of business.  We call upon all upstanding Atlasians to rally against such un-patriotic actions – as our new sponsors have.

We contacted the Enquirer for comment, but they had just been evicted from their temporary offices so we were unable to get a reply.

[Wells]

Category: Underexaggerated News

Peebs In Dire Danger?

Written by: Mike Wells

It has come to my attention that our newspaper's intern Peebs has come under attack from an unlikely source - The National Enquirer. They posted a story in which they claimed Peebs had been jailed, which I found highly suspect as Peebs has been in IRC almost all the time. Could she have been in jail too? I find it hard to believe she could be in two places at once. What I found even weirder is that he referred to Peebs as Mrs. This seems unlikely as well - Peebs herself said so. Then we found these quotes by Peebs herself:

21:38   Peebs   i need to figure out how to sue doof for having me get hitched without my knowledge

21:53   wells   Who are you married to peebs?
21:54   Peebs   claire told me martin, but the most implication is "*mrs* peebs"

Did our president (whom Peebs refers to as "doof") force Peebs into a marriage with a domestic terrorist who kidnapped her to fulfill disturbing fantasies full of Stockholm Syndrome? Will she actually sue? What does this mean about his relationship with Frank? What are the implications of this for the missing people in Burgergate?

Regardless of the answers to these questions, we ask that everyone show their support to Peebs in this difficult time for her.

[Wells]

Category: Editorial

Our Endorsement For Southern Senator: Justin T. Cuber

In troubling times like these we need strong leadership in our capitols. We need confidence in the knowledge of our elected officials. But what we most especially need are politicians we can trust. This is why we are endorsing Justin T. Cuber for the Senate, and encourage all Southern citizens to vote for him if they want good leadership in their capital of Nashville.

Yes, most Southern citizens believe in the rights of regions, so they must also realize that in order for them to succeed, they need strong leadership on a regional level. Why send Sue Wo to the Senate when you can keep him right here, away from the corrupt quagmire that is Nyman? Do you think that he won't change once he gets a taste of the extreme power you are giving him? It is much better to send someone there whose character is already a perfect match for the warehouse of destruction between Maryland and Virginia.

Do you trust people who cheat at Rubik's cubes? Do you want delegates who are ignorant of the the laws and policies they are endorsing, writing, or enforcing? Do you want someone who is a complete Labor hack in our Chamber? If you answered "no" to any one of these questions, then make sure to vote for Justin T. Cuber this weekend. At least if he's there, he can't run rampant in the Chamber of Delegates again!

Send Cuber away, keep Sue Wo at home!

[Wells]

Category: Editorial

Our Endorsement For Fremont Senator: Henry Wallace

He's the only person on the ballot so idk who else you would vote for.

[Wells]

Category: Underexaggerated News

Cora's Candidacy Crushed By Corruption

Written by: Isaac Cummings and Mike Wells

Not only do the Nyman elite seek to control what you can do; they also seek to control who you are allowed to vote for.

My sources within the Labor party tell me that the only reason for Cora’s dropping out of the House and Fremont Commons elections was a dictat from up high in the Labour party – indeed, possibly from the Chairman himself. This would help to explain the baffling situation of a candidate announcing a run, and then instantly pulling out shortly thereafter. Our evidence comes in the form of these IRC logs obtained by our Editor-In-Chief:

16:56   Cora   Yes, Windjammer told me not to run.

Chief Injustice Windjammer appears to have ordered Cora to remove his name from the House ballot; and all good people should reject such blatant political intimidation. The fact that it comes from the Chief Justice; the guardian of our glorious constitution; shows just how toxic the Nyman swamp is.

Sure; some might say that decision was not motivated by anything other than the fact that the ALP already had five announced candidates – but why wouldn’t we have a primary if that was the case? The voters ought to have the right to reject such an awful candidate, rather than the decision being made by the corrupt elites.

The Questioner stands for democracy and our constitution – and we believe that all should be allowed to stand for whatever office they wish.  If our two big parties – and don’t be deluded, both sides do it, just look at the awful discrimination against the Liberal Democrats, a case to be decided by the Chairman of the Labor party no less – think that they have the right to control who you are allowed to vote for; we all need to show them that is wrong. Because if we don’t stop that, what is next – will the two big parties seek to tell us that we can’t go to our favourite Hipster Christian church, or that we can’t have a drink after work?

It is this sort of party manipulaton that elected the President that we have – a President so power mad that he seeks to attack the independent media and those that report the truth about him. That is something that The Questioner will always stand up to, because the public have the right to know.

What will Chief Injustice of the Supreme Court be up to next? We can't be sure, but it is clear that he won't be pleased by this:

16:55   Cora   Anyway, I'm going to tell Windjammer to go f[censored]k himself and run for something.

[Wells]

Category: Real News

FRAUD AND RESIGNATION

Written by: Mike Wells

PRIME MINISTER HARRY TRUMAN maintains his chokehold on Fremont after this weekend's elections, despite stiff competition from Wulfric. As this was a two-person race there is no way that Fremont's elections can be labelled as a sham, right?

WRONG! Truman won with a whopping 89% of the vote. This number is astonishingly high, and some people such as ourselves might claim that there was some of what is commonly called "funny business" behind the scenes. Sadly, results like this are becoming increasingly common, despite how they cast doubt on the legitimacy of victory. Just two months ago, D. F. W. Liberty Lover had a 40 point victory over Clyde by supposedly legal means. And two weekends ago, ZuWo amassed 81% of Southern voters, sadly becoming a swamp creature like the rest of them.

Skeptics will say that big victories don't necessarily mean fraud. They are right, they merely strongly suggest it. And after careful digging, we discovered this quote by Wulfric, Truman's "competition": "I am announcing my candidacy for Fremont Prime Minister, not necessarily because I think I can win, but to avoid a North Korean 'only-one-choice' situation." We believe that this quote means Truman does have opposition in Fremont - but it is highly controlled. And if Truman can sink to controlled opposition, surely he could sink to voter fraud. To those who doubt that voter fraud could occur in Atlasia, read on for more!


SENATOR A. SCOTT has managed to hold on to his Senate seat, despite a valiant attempt to unseat him by Louis V. Thunder. But was it really so valiant? We point to evidence that severe fraud occurred in the election, including to subsequent votes by Polly Master and Adam President, who just an hour apart simply established themselves as Lincoln citizens and cast an illegal vote. It was almost as if their votes were requested - despite the fact that their votes would be illegal. We would also like to note that according to the laws on the books in Lincoln, LouisvilleThunder could not legally vote for himself as well - but he did so anyway!

Louis V. Thunder denies that he had anything to do with any of the voter fraud besides the one he committed, which he also happens to contest. However, an anonymous informant informed us that they asked Mr. Master why he voted for Louis V. Thunder. The response was that Thunder requested his vote!

Some may wonder who even cares since it didn't affect the outcome, but to that we simply point out that it would have made a 12% difference to the margin - enough to flip this weekend's House results if similar scale fraud went undetected there. This is outrageous and we believe that we should do more to combat voter fraud. Our soon-to-be President Goldwater must start a commission!



REGISTRAR GENERAL, SOUTHERN ELECTIONS SECRETARY, SECRETARY OF FEDERAL ELECTIONS, SWAMP QUEEN, THE NYMAN QUESTIONER INTERN, DEAN OF THE HOUSE, DEPUTY SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, AND REPRESENTATIVE PEEBS has been re-elected to the House. Since we do not generally like to publish negative articles about our employees, the full article was scrapped, but the gist of it is that we used the standard deviation of House candidate preferences to find the most divisive candidate, and while most had a standard deviation of about three or four, Peebs had one of six, making her shockingly polarizing. We shall from this point forward refer to her as "Polarizin' Peebs" and express regret that a candidate such as this got the most first preferences.



PRESIDENT D. F. W. LIBERTY LOVER has chosen to resign after a highly disappointing presidency, admitting to his many faults in a statement. We believe that this was the first time he has made us happy and applaud our President for finally doing the right thing. However, when we imagined the day that President D. F. W. Liberty Lover finally stepped down, it was not like this. As we went out to celebrate with champagne and a cake that said "Good Riddance" the sun was blocked, plunging our party and the rest of America into darkness for a full two minutes.

We reflected on what the hell was happening and realized that it couldn't be because our President D. F. W. Liberty Lover was abandoning us, and that it had to any of the other things that went on this weekend that sparked it, like the voter fraud delivering a Meltzer Driver to the concept of democracy... right?

[Wells]

A big news story coming soon.

[Wells]

TRAGIC: FLORIDA MAN DIES IN HURRICANE

MIAMI, FLORIDA - Last week a severe storm swept through the state of Florida, causing untold damages and putting a real damper on our beach vacation. And if you think it can't get worse, you are sadly mistaken. The hurricane directly caused another tragedy altogether - the death of the world-renowned and beloved by us and so many other tabloids, Florida Man.

The death of Florida Man came as shock to many of his friends and family, who are planning to hold a funeral on Saturday. "He was always up to all these crazy things, like using a taco as an ID, getting run over by his car, and stealing and crashing boats." said his mother, Mrs. Man. "If none of those killed him, how could a mere hurricane have done him in?" Many of the others that had known Florida Man echoed this sentiment.

While it may seem as if he is gone forever, Florida Man will always live on in our hearts. We encourage all to remember him by biting your neighbors ear, claiming to be a monkey, or attacking people with bananas, among many other activities.

RIP Florida Man, January 1, 1983 - August 25, 2017

[Wells]

Categories: Editorial/Real News

A DARK NEW ERA IN ATLASIA

Written By: Mike Wells

NYMAN - As the chaos that stems from an election, new party chair, major resignation, and hurricane ended, President Gold Watters chose to stir the pot even more as we head into a new month, continuing the decline of Atlasia. Watters resigned this afternoon, just after the Senate accepted his Vice Presidential nominee Frank Taggin. This is just the most recent in a series of events that totally skews the concept of democracy, a political system that Atlasia supposedly has. However, as previously reported, attempted voter fraud, controlled opposition, and the resignations of elected officials are tirelessly working against the people of Atlasia and for the benefit of the Nyman swamp.

If you don’t believe me, then just look closely at what today’s events mean. Frank Taggin will be one of the few presidents to be elected without ever having appeared on a presidential ballot before. Even the I-guess-he’s-honorable Harry Truman had been on a ballot and received votes to be president a few months before he was plopped into the office. And he was only president for a few weeks. President Taggin shall keep her title for nearly two months with absolutely no one stating anywhere that she should be president.

To make this even worse, the entire thing was all planned, if we are to believe Justin Cuber’s Wikileak branch of Wikileaks. The implications are that Goldwater, who is a libertarian and therefore supposed to be brave enough to stand up for the Nyman swamp, planned this the whole time! Which means that when he appointed fhtagn, he knew he was appointing the next leader of our nation, like this is a fascist banana republic, instead of a democratic banana republic. The constitutionally legal equivalent of a coup has occurred in our very nation, and the lack of outrage is astounding.

But some may be wondering who in their right minds would go through a 6 step process just to make fhtagn the president? The sad thing is, D. F. W. Liberty Lover is not in his right mind, as our tabloid has demonstrated numerous times before. And as The Questioner has also demonstrated before, there was a relationship between D. F. W. Liberty Lover and Frank Taggin that went much deeper than that of a president and his secretary, or even of two friends. They had a long-term affair, and it seems that D. F. W. Liberty Lover loves Frank more than he ever loved liberty.

This could be the start of a new reign of terror in Nyman and Atlasia, as The Questioner now has information that D. F. W. Liberty Lover took HAARP with him when he left office, and now controls the means of weather production, which we know has an effect on election turnout. D. F. W. Liberty Lover has also stated that he can be bribed into supporting any campaign, dirtying the swamp for the foreseeable future.

Yet it gets even more horrifying from here. The Questioner obtained IRC logs in which Frank Taggin ominously declared that “so far” she has had nobody murdered “unless you count Ben Kenobi”. Much worse than the confession to the murder of one person is her dire implication that she may kill more people. Who knows who she may kill for standing in her way. R2D2? Peebs? Me? You? How far will Frank Taggin go to maintain power? Will the next election even be held,  or will the voter fraud that was widespread in the Lincoln Senate election occur there too? A Nyman Insider who was there when Frank Taggin made those comments has expressed distress and concern that they were said. They also feared that they may be next. We shall keep their identity secret so that they are not the next person killed.

We urge all citizens to try not to normalize undemocratic actions such as these, and to try to vote President Taggin out in the next election, no matter how futile it may be and no matter how much she will want to get you next because of it. Stay alert and safe, we are entering dark times.

[Wells]

Category: Serious News

A LIST OF THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE GOLDWATER ADMINISTRATION

Written By: Mike Wells, Ted Bessell, Isaac Cummings, Cora Xion, Princess Emily El Brown-Smith

[Wells]

Thank you Isaac. Speaking of slander and libel, two very wrong things were said in these arguments and I wish to correct them. First we come to Yankee's falsehood:

So the real story here is that Winfield, Poirot and Wells, just wanted me for two months instead of Fhtagn.

BLATANT SLANDER! I would never want the Swamp King (back) in the executive branch! Not that the Marsh Dutchess is much better.

Winfield's falsehood is less slanderous:

Don't forget, another popular choice for the North was Franklin, who also received a sizeable number of votes for the region to be named after.  Therefore, by your interpretation, everyone in the North Region who voted to name the Region Franklin, are White Supremacists, by virtue of the fact that Benjamin Franklin was white.

I was casting my vote for Franklin with the famous New York governor in mind. Not to detract from Benjamin of course.

Now time for things I agree with.

Fake fake news.

Double negative.

[Wells]

This is indeed Deeply Disturbing^TM. I propose torch-weilding proletariat legitimate democratic organs at once declare me Interim President until we know what is going on.

As if the Wetland Warrior would be an improvement.

[Wells]

So the real story here is that Winfield, Poirot and Wells, just wanted me for two months instead of Fhtagn.

BLATANT SLANDER! I would never want the Swamp King (back) in the executive branch! Not that the Marsh Dutchess is much better.

"It will take a crook to catch those crooks" - Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

So this begs the true question, why do you hate FDR? Do you like fascism?

I was casting my vote for Franklin with the famous New York governor in mind.

[Wells]

Category: Interview

Interview With Oak Vale: Says He Fits The Federalist Bill Better Than The President

Mike Wells: What about Frank Taggin needs to be primaried?

Oak Vale: I’m sure the President’s a nice person or whatever. But she’s clearly not up to the job. A junior member of Congress is not the President we need when the nation stands reeling at a crucial crossroads in our history. We need someone with reams of experience, a clear vision and with no divided loyalty between country and party benefactor. Another tedious tinkerer as President will only hasten our decline and, perhaps, make it irrevocable.

I’m running for President because I am the only person with the skills and the vision to reverse our tragic decay.

I’m running for the Federalist nomination because the party has lost its soul and needs to return to conservative principles. God knows I’m not the most orthodox conservative but I fit that bill a hell of a lot better than Fhtagn.

MW: What do you make of the credible theory that there was a conspiracy to appoint neoconservative shill Frank Taggin to the presidency?

OV: I think this is probably true. It is clear that the game is run, for all intents and purposes, by a group of chummy cronies who arrange things to their whims over cigars and brandies. I’m sure some half-bright spark saw Fhtagn, a well-liked if not particularly distinguished member of Congress, and decided she would be the ideal empty suit to place into the Vice-Presidency as the incumbent was running out of steam.

I think she may have been put there by this cabal to get the “Nice guy FF!” idiot vote. It’s not about policy, or skill, or even about politics, really. It’s about making sure as little as possible changes, until we all sink below the waves. It’s shameful.

MW: If you could chose one place to nuke, what would it be?

OV: Japan, again. Twice wasn’t enough obviously.

MW: Are pineapples acceptable to put on pizza?

OV: No. As President, I will use the full power of the federal government to ban this sick practice. I believe the government does have a role, in limited circumstances, in preventing aberrant behaviours.

MW: How many times have you referred to Vice President PiT as Vice President (SH) iT?

OV: I would normally just refer to him as a member in good standing of the Senate’s Idiot Caucus. He’s one of the usual suspects. Appropriate that he’s now Fhtagn’s right-hand man, both metaphorically and literally looking over her shoulder, nudging her in the predetermined direction at all times.

MW: If you lose the nomination, do you pledge to support the nominee?

OV: It’s a tough question. In normal circumstances, stopping Crooked Harry Truman would be paramount, above all other concerns. But I’m unconvinced that a Fhtagn Presidency would be meaningfully different in terms of what matters - radically changing the system. So, no, right now I can’t make that pledge. Hopefully by the time the nomination comes around I will be able to do so.

But, in any event, I expect to win the Federalist nomination - the voters are sick and tired of the liberal FINOs being pushed on them by the so-called party elders. They want a conservative choice for a change.

MW: And for the most ridiculous and least important question of them all, what will you do to address the North Korea situation?

OV: I pledge that, once I take that oath and become your President, the North Korean situation will cease to be a problem. Specifically, it will cease to exist because I will abolish the dull fanfiction generator that is the Game Moderation department within days of taking office. This is, I think, a novel approach to the problem.

[Wells]

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OCTOBER 2017: OUR GUIDE TO THE CANDIDATES

Written By: Issac Cummings

Once again, it is the time of year where the Nyman swamp creatures start trying to appeal for our votes. Presidential Election campaigns seem to last longer than they ever used to in the past, which is very odd when you consider that the substance of the debate is worse than ever, and actual policy differences (or indeed, actual policies) are totally absent. As we rapidly approach the party primaries, party members are rushing around trying to look through the opaque platforms and public statements of the candidates to work out who they support, many people are crying out for a simple guide to the candidates.

They need to worry no more! The Nyman Questioner, taking our stated mission aim to inform and inspire to heart (as we always do) has decided to present a breakdown of the important issues for each candidate. 

It ought to be clarified that any editorialising is not the view of the Nyman Questioner, merely perspective of Isaac Cummings, your humble author. We shall make decisions on whom to endorse in the future, and it may well shock you when we decide. Our goal is also to make it as easy to understand as possible, so that even a dumb child from Texas could understand!


Federalist Party

Frank Taggin/Percival I. Trash:  Ms Taggin broke the glass ceiling of Atlasian politics - shame that it had to be through effectively being gifted the office, rather than through fighting for it. As someone effectively running as a Liberty Lover third term, we ought to consider the implications of his disastrous term as President: putting us on the brink of war, and an incredibly limited list of legislative achievements for such a long, long term as President. Consider also the remarkable transformation of the President, from a vocal figure on the left of the Labor party, to the new leader of the radical, dangerous centrism that has consumed the Federalist Party. The fact that she’s emphasising foreign policy so strongly suggests that she knows that her terrifying domestic policies could dramatically harm the nation. Indeed, there haven’t been any publicly announced domestic policies to this point: with the exception of vague statements about not making “conservative-leaning economic policies” a priority.

Oakley Vale/Donald Trump: This is a bold new campaign, trying to take the Federalist Party back to its roots. Mr Vale is using his significant experience in the distant past as proof of his credentials; giving him something that is very hard to build up: both experience, and outsider appeal. His policies include reducing the size of government by slicing away irrelevant offices like the National Archivist (although considering who’s about to be appointed, you wonder whether there’s a level of sabotage being planned), reforming our country’s over complex and self-contradictory election legislation and devolving significant amounts of power back to the regions. Controversial for the unique rhetoric of his campaign; the question remains whether he can convince the Nyman elites to vote for him - after all, in our false-democracy you need the votes of the swamp creatures in order to have a chance of victory.


Labour Party

Harry Truman/Alwyn Scott: The favourites for the Labor party nomination feature the controversial Prime Minister who recently appointed… himself for Federal Office. I’m not sure whether that shows how power crazy he is, or the paucity of talent in the Western Labor Party. The Prime Rib Representative Minister announced a comprehensive platform for office, including sensible foreign policy, a national high speed rail system, and a variable living wage. Indeed, my sources have told me the staff of Ms Taggins have snuck into Truman headquarters and stole copies on the platform the day before publication - not to plan attacks or anything like that, but merely for policy ideas.

Kalvin Wejt/??: The Polish peril announced a Presidential run, but in his statement said that he would not campaign, select a vice-presidential candidate or, indeed, do anything whilst in office. Sounds like the perfect candidate for the Questioner!

Pot Smoking Communist Hippy Party

Liam Rock/Mike Wells: In a time where the two major parties seem to believe exactly the same things and with the collapse of minor parties like the Liberal Democrats (I mean, what do you expect when you try to bridge an inch wide gap?), the presence of a third party alternative is refreshing. Providing common sense, sensible, moderate socialist solutions on both economic and social issues, like the formation of a national bank, universal free education and a liberalisation of gun rights makes this the perfect ticket for any sensible progressive voter. Consider also the international impact that such a President would have - with the hideous rise of bigotry and xenophobia around the globe, wouldn’t it be a testament to how inclusive and tolerant the normal people of our great country are for us to elect our first afro-having President? I mean, I would be proud to have such an upstanding head of hair as our President, never mind the person attached to it.


The drop-outs

A larger than normal list of campaigns have announced a run, and then dropped from view. A confusing state of affairs involved two of the intended challengers for the Labor nomination, with Secretary Peebs electing to run for President with Governor Wells, then withdrew, then jumped back in with the ticket reversed, and then finally withdrew again - all within less than a week. As can be seen above, Mr Wells is running on the Pot Smoking Communist Hippy Party ticket, which is likely to be a lot more stable.

Richard Robert David-Davies had announced the creation of an “exploratory committee” for Independent run for the Presidency, but rather humiliatingly withdrew from running whilst endorsing the Truman/Scott ticket less than six hours later. One assumes that David-Davies made this decision to get his face on television, such is his vanity.

As revealed in the Questioner on the 8th September, Winifred Winfield had contemplated yet another run for the Presidency - however, the perennial candidate had been convinced to announce that he would not run the day after publication. Another victory for the Questioner!

[Wells]

Category: Attacking Fake News

CENSORSHIP IN THE WIKI

Written By: Mike Wells

If you ever find yourself curious about the history of Atlasia, there are two places you can go to find all the information you will ever need. You may ask Swamp King Yankee to give you a lecture, not because it will be accurate, but because 9 out of 10 times it is so monstrously wrong a slightly more credible source must jump out of a nearby bush to correct him. Yet since Yankee doesn’t go off on one of his unintelligible tirades every day, you will find yourself forced to go to the Wiki, the legendary encyclopedia that gets updated frequently and has virtually no bias, right?

WRONG!

Contrary to popular belief, the Wiki does not in fact serve the interests of the people. Shockingly, the number one source of information about our nation contains many pieces of missing information, warping the average citizen’s view of the state of affairs in our nation. Far from being comprehensive, if you take a look at the article for this current presidential election, you'll find no mention of the Kalwejt’s run for the office, nor the presidential ticket of the Pot Smoking Communist Hippie Party. It may seem harmless, but what if it actually is not? What if the same group of swamp creatures who control the media also control the Wiki?

If certain information is being purposefully censored, it seems that the motives are clear: they do not want the public to know that Kalvin Wejt was running, and they do not want them to know Liam Rock and I are running on a ticket together too. And there is a reason for this. They are afraid. Afraid that once our message falls on ears that are very willing to listen, that the people will bring us up and weaken the swamp indefinitely. So it is much easier for them to pretend as if it doesn’t exist, and make it impossible to find out if it does.

Yet the missing information runs even more deeply than that. The powers that be at the Wiki have been censoring the press as well. After careful digging, I discovered that my quite famous and reputable newspaper is nowhere to be found in the Wiki. It does not have its own article, nor does it appear in my article despite me being the owner and editor-in-chief. And this is not isolated to our own newspaper, as The Atlasian Star is very conspicuously absent as well. It has no article of its own, no mention in AZ’s wiki page or the Game Moderator page. Most disturbingly, they seem to think that DKrol is still the Game Moderator; and Encke’s page does not exist.

The motivation for this is equally clear in my eyes: they do not want the masses learning about the alternative sources of current events, shielding them from the truth, creating separate realities where only a small fraction ever know that they can vote for pot-smoking hippies or that their dissatisfaction with the knowledge the swamp lets them have could be easily solved by a subscription to the Star or Questioner.

Of course, now that we have exposed their blatant attempts at hiding the truth from Atlasia, you will see that the Swamp will scramble to fix it and call it a mere oversight or something of the sort. But we will know the truth.

Still, we must wonder how we got into this situation. The idea of a Wiki is that anyone and everyone can edit freely. Yet editing powers are limited to an exclusive club, handpicked by this mysterious Dave Leip. And despite his extreme power when it comes to controlling the flow of information, the Wiki has very little to say about him.

“Reputed to be the lord.”

What does this mean? Is someone really that full of himself? I must look into this more - expect another article in the future.

[Wells]

Category: Real News

Federalist Party Convention Preview: A hive of villainy, and controversy

Written By: Isaac Cummings, on location in Jacksonville

You’d think that the Federalist Party would be in a good mood at the upcoming convention. Consider that they seem to be going into the election with a great deal of momentum; a popular new President seeking to have the Federalists elected to their third straight term (not including the half-term from the tied Presidential election last year) holding the highest office in the land, a diverse leadership team able to appeal to both radical moderates and common sense extremists, and a feeling that they are clearly the favourites going into the General Election.

But as I write, on the evening before the first day of the convention, it is clear that the party that for the past year has seemed to be the natural party of governance; one able to seemingly group together such a diverse and… odd coalition of supporters, is racked by both deep and personal divisions. Not only that, but accusations have been made to The Questioner by key delegates in the Oakley Vale camp that party leaders have changed the rules and schedule to deny new Federalists a fair vote, whilst those on the more mainstream side of the party have thrown around wild accusations of vote buying. This hardly seems like the appropriate atmosphere from which a united party to form.

Let us consider all of the arguments on all sides. In my eyes it is clear that some strange, and seemingly biased, decisions have been made by the leadership of the party. First consider the decision last week to change the schedule of the convention; so that the October convention takes place entirely in September. I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to point out the strange part of this. Also consider this: the Federalist convention is taking place in Jacksonville, part of a state that has recently bit hit by two very large hurricanes, with many people having lost their homes, and some of the luckier ones still without power. Had the Federalists made the decision to move their convention out of state then perhaps moving the thing earlier would make more sense - after all, we all know how hard it is to book any venue at very short notice, never mind a large arena. But they made the decision to move the convention forward whilst staying in Jacksonville; using up God only knows what police and security resources that could be much better used in the continuing clear up and relief operations. From the outside this clearly looks like it may be a politically motivated move, designed to favour the wealthier delegate; for whom taking the days of work at short notice and reorganising travel plans is a doddle.

The official Federalist position on this is that the City requested the move, believing that holding the convention earlier was the best course of action to still get the economic benefits of it. My source in the Federalist party leadership, when the accusation of vote suppression was brought, said “We aren’t… Scott Walker.” - a reference, I can only assume, to the extremely conservative Governor in a hit TV series. We contacted the City of Jacksonville for a response, but as of the time of publication, we have yet to receive a reply.

Let us also consider the recent decision of the Convention Rules Committee, as announced yesterday morning by Chairman of the Party Nathan C Yankee. The ruling stated that only voters registered as Federalists on midnight of the day of the ruling would be allowed to vote in the Federalist primary. As far as I can see, this is a decision made without precedent, only based on a perceived increase of the number of people registering as Federalists, with a belief, the validity of which I do not wish to speak on, that these new voters are somehow closet socialists seeking to sabotage the Federalist election process.

This is a decision that the party is naturally allowed to make - it is after all, a private decision - but I would suggest that anything that might be perceived as somehow skewing the race in favour of any particular candidate might lead to a backlash, both with the general public and the party. Indeed, a Vale delegate told me last night that the decision would likely cause a split in the Federalist party - and might even lead to a splinter candidacy running in the General Election. Now considering that we have preferential voting that would not necessarily be disastrous for the Federalists, but in a close election that might just be enough to cost them victory. 

The accusations of vote buying seem to currently be the loudest at the moment, although primarily amongst those delegates who are closest to the party leadership - notably, former failed President Liberty-Lover, the first to publicly condemn it. Since we at the Questioner are a responsible News Source who only report entirely true stories like the recent homelessness of Mr Winfield, at this point we cannot either totally report this accusations as being true, nor entirely rebut them. We will report that a source very close to President Taggin was willing to say off the record that she had heard that the Vale campaign had offered a close friend a role within their administration for a public endorsement of the candidate in the primaries, although the Vale campaign did not respond to our request for comment. Yet we also note the offering of offices before an election is not illegal - and indeed, some delegates have mentioned the historical links between the Federalist Party and office-selling (although my contact in the Federalist leadership reaction to these accusations was to simply call those making them “stupid” and suggesting that they withdraw from politics). Neither campaign has spoken at this point publicly on the accusations; with the belief amongst convention goers being that the issue will be mentioned in the Opening Statements of the candidates on the opening day of the Convention. 

The position of The Questioner is simple. We naturally condemn the act of vote buying - it is after all, the sort of dirty tactic that the Nyman elite have made their own in recent years. But all of the moralising about this from the Federalist Party elites ignores the fact that they have been willing to make decisions that will limit the number of people allowed to vote in the primaries - whilst also holding such an expensive and gaudy event in a city where only minutes away there are people have have been devastated by Hurricanes Harvey and Irma seems very unnecessary. It also will strike many as suspicious that all of the people in leadership positions within the Federalist Party have been willing to endorse the one candidate - some, including me, may see that as leading to biased decisions being made.

The people who are certainly happiest at this event are the Labor party. The ALP already have their Presidential ticket, which means that their convention will likely be a much more docile, cheerful affair. Whilst the Federalist convention might end up in a united party (my Federalist contacts have all privately told me that they will vote for the eventual nominee, whoever they may be); it is easy to tell a journalist privately now: but when you get to the privacy of the voting booth in a few months, who knows whether that may happen.

We will have coverage of all days of the Federalist convention, right here in the Questioner.