The Kalwejt Foundation for the Promotion of Atlas Hilarity

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

This is the amount of cum I’ll produce.

Go to original thread for full context.

That's... among the grossest things I have read on this forum.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Maybe not the best thread where to repost, but hey it's olawakandi.

The D party is just as dead in IN as the R party is in IL

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

  The 1964 Civil Rights Act was and is still a huge mistake and there is no reason to continue that mistake.

Jaichind at job interview in 1963 .

 Interviewer -- "So solly, Chinaman! We don't hire your type here!"

Jaichind -- "Hrumph. This will all be worth it when Goldwater is elected and cuts capital gains taxes."

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

It was Trafalgar that scored a direct hit on Nelson.  Both in 2018 and 1805.

There's some genius here.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Describe a Habsburg 1562, Tilden 1880, Mondale 1984, Perot 1992, Bush 2004, Obama 2012, Johnson 2016, Trump 2020 voter

What about a Julius Caesar 60 BC, Celestine V 1294, Napoleon III 1848, Trump 2016, Biden 2020 voter?

That one is actually surprisingly easy (other than the Celestine V vote).

Peasant in the Gallia (later France), who was attracted to the Populares and their more progressive and populist policies, led by Julius Caesar. This voter somehow sneaked into the 1294 Papal election and voted Celestine V.

In 1848, still a peasant in France, he is, much like most rural peasants, attracted to the Bonapartist message and votes for Napoleon III.

At some point in the late 19th century, this seemingly immortal voter emigrates to the US, still to work as a rural farmer. He is attracted to Trump's message of populism and strongmanship, but after his failings as president, and with Biden a better fit than Hillary; will vote Biden in 2020.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

If Dianne Feinstein (D-San Francisco) resigns from her seat in the Senate, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-San Francisco) would get a second seat to fill, along with the other vacancy created by Sen. Kamala Harris (D-San Francisco) ascending to the Vice Presidency. Former Assembly Speaker Willie Brown (D-San Francisco) has been lobbying for Harris's seat to go to Mayor London Breed (D-San Francisco).

It's possible Newsom seeks some balance by appointing Breed to Harris's seat and filling Feinstein's seat with an equally history-making pick, such as State Sen. Scott Wiener (D-San Francisco), who has been a leader on LGBT issues in the state legislature, or either State Controller Betty Yee (D-San Francisco) or State Treasurer Fiona Ma (D-San Francisco), both of whom would follow Harris as the second Asian-American woman to represent the state in the Senate. He could also look to a loyalist like Lt. Gov. Eleni Kounalakis (D-San Francisco) or a national figure like 2020 presidential candidate Tom Steyer (D-San Francisco). Whoever he picks, however, they won't be the most powerful Californian in Congress for as long as Nancy Pelosi (D-San Francisco) hangs on to the speaker's gavel.

I was undecided with the Tavern of Simple Truths and Smart One-Liners though.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

I think the state should assist those born in such unfortunate circumstances by relieving them of the burden of their material wealth.

See the OP of the thread for context.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Speaking of meme posts, Blairite truly brought this to a whole another level.
The following made me laugh out loud so much. 11/10

January 2023: The stage is set. A house investigation reveals President Joe Biden is in fact a beta-edition Japanese robot animating a moldering corpse. Vice President Harris successfully invokes the 25th amendment and assumes the presidency. After a wildly successful two weeks, President Harris decides she is #SoOver being president and gives a fiery speech, culminating in the awkwardly phrased declaration: "That little girl who used to not be president. That little girl was me."

With President Harris out of the race for 2024, two frontrunners naturally lead the Democratic field. Los Angeles policy wonk and milquetoast centrist, Blairite, seeks to unite America behind a platform of free trade, open borders, and taco trucks on every corner. Bringing together Obamaworld, Hillaryworld, and Kamalaworld in one establishment candidate, he assembles a crack campaign team of Rahm Emmanuel, Neera Tanden, Maya Harris, and the Lincoln Project Voter for Anthony Brindisi. One sunny January evening in Pershing Square, he declares his bold agenda before five homeless people, two lost tourists, and some strung-out old guy with the courageous vision: "If I'm elected president, the line will go up two-point-eight percent and the world will be more gooder!"

A thousand miles to his north, a different vision for the Democratic Party is unfolding. Laki, a former canvasser for the Republican, Democratic, and Birthday parties decides that his experience in the land of the french fries--Idaho--makes him naturally suited for the Presidency of the United States. Looking to reassemble the Sanders-Kucinich-Jennings Bryan coalition, he brings in Kyle Kuklinski, the Japanese robot reanimation of Mike Gravel, and a guy from Mongolia who illegally donated $2.95 to Sanders' campaign to lead the fight. Rather than lay out a governing agenda, Laki plans to kick off his campaign skydiving into famously leftist Downtown Boise. Unfortunately, he mistimes his leap and lands in the middle of unfriendly territory--the Nampa Adult Shop. Unfazed if slightly brused, he skyrockets to the top of the polls and looks poised to crush Blairite's dreams with a coalition of anti-elitists.

After a series of visious debates (Blairite hits Laki for preferring Trump to Clinton, Laki lands a blow about California elitists), Laki holds a slim but persistent lead over Blairite heading into Iowa. Corn and soy are kinda like potatoes and Blairite talks way too much about argula, after all. Blairite's only hope is to make it through to South Carolina (New Hampshire is a lost cause and Blairite spent way too much time talking about how pointless and ugly Nevada is and how anyone who chooses to live there is dumb.)

As expected, Laki sweeps the Iowa caucus with 69% of the vote. He repeats the performance in New Hampshire and then tops 80% in Nevada. Team Blairite is not feeling good headed into South Carolina. Even with Laki's gaffes about "low information voters", the #populism is unstoppable. Blarite's only hope is to hold through until Super Tuesday when #elitist California and Virginia vote. Then, two hours before the South Carolina primary, the unthinkable happens. Neera rushes to the cockpit of Blairite's blimp as it slowly drifts from Greenville to Spartanburg with incredible news! Laki randomly decided to switch parties for absolutely no reason and run in the Republican primary instead.

The field was clear! Blairite cleared 90% of the vote in South Carolina. He was on track to sweep every primary on through June. Even a late entry by Tulsi Gabbard didn't make a dent in his numbers.

Democratic Primary:


Blairite: 89%
Laki: 9%
Tulsi Gabbard: 2%

But the election wasn't over yet! Laki's late entry into the Republican primary upended everything. Eight years prior, the Republican electorate made one thing clear: it didn't give a sh!t about party loyalty, conservatism, or actual policy proposals. All that mattered was #populism . And now they had the ultimate #populist chad to vote for: the party-switching canvasser from the land of the famous potatoes. Poor Mike Pence couldn't possibly compete. Despite entering the race with less than 85 minutes before polls opened in South Carolina and a last minute Pence endorsement from Nikki Haley, ExtremeConservative, and the Japanese reanimated corpse of Jeff Flake, over 90% of South Carolina Republicans chose Laki to be their nominee. Pence dropped out the very next day and Laki swept the rest of the primaries.

Republican Primary:


Laki: 90%
Mike Pence: 8%
Also Tulsi Gabbard: 2%

America was ready! The general election was set. It was time for the showdown of the century, the #populist vs the #elitist , the race you've all been waiting for: Laki (R-ID) vs Blairite (D-CA). Once again, America was falling in love with #populism . Despite laying out detailed plans to  make the line go up a full two-point-nine percent, Blairite was polling ten points behind Laki through the summer. It was time to shake things up. Rahm thought Blairite lacked authenticity. Something about being from Downtown Los Angeles was off-putting to everyday Americans. It was time for a VP with down-home authenticity. There was only one man for the job. Blairite called up his old friend HillGoose. A couple "Let's Roll"s later and the ticket was ready to go.

Laki was on defense! He needed his own Southerner to rebalance the scales. Only one American was equipped to take the fight to the Facebook comments section and defend Laki's near-hourly policy shifts. Fuzzy was ready for action!

Going into election day, the race had tightened, but the Laki-Fuzzy ticket was still up over Blairite-Goose by eight points. It was even rumored that J. Miles Coleman had "I've seen enough" copied to his clipboard, ready to tweet the moment the clock struck 8:00 p.m. EST. As the blimp descended into Fort Lauderdale for one last rally (bewildering a number of shorebirds) Neera rushed forwards with some exciting news. With three hours until polls closed, Laki had released a public statement:

"I have decided to take an indefinite break from politics. I do not want to be president right now and I may never return to the political arena. Ima get some fries and get off the grid in Cour d'Alene for a few months."

America was in chaos, but that didn't mean it was ready for #elitism . Once all the votes were counted, the electoral map was clear:

2024 General Election

Unpledged Republican Electors (R): 277 electoral votes, 53%
Blairite-Goose (D): 256 electoral votes, 45%
Tulsi Gabbard, once again (I): 0 electoral votes, 2%

Chaos reigned! Despite the best lobbying efforts of Rahm, Neera, and Maya, the unpledged Republican electors were united by one thing: Blairite would not become President of the United States. But they couldn't agree on anything else. Some supported Mike Pence. Some wanted the Japanese to reanimate the corpse of Donald Trump. Some were supporting Laki-Fuzzy anyway. Some backed Tulsi Gabbard. As the day for the electoral college to vote inched closer, nobody knew what to expect. When all was done, the tally stood at:

Blairite-Goose: 256
Pence-Haley: 102
Laki-Fuzzy: 96
Reanimated Trump-Pence: 75
Gabbard-Modi: 4

No candidate reached 270 electoral votes. But the house would decide, surely. As the vote neared, the delegations were at a deadlock. Blairite only had the support of 24. Nonetheless, Pence was stuck at 25. Marjory Taylor-Greene--all by her lonesome--refused to support anyone except Tulsi Gabbard. With Hank Johnson inconveniently contracting a wasting plague, the delegation was tied. 24 delegations, as expected, cast their votes for Blairite. 25 cast their votes for Pence. But Georgia abstained. No candidate had reached the required 26 delegations to assume the presidency.

The House Vote


Pence: 25
Blairite: 24
Abstain: 1

All eyes were now on the senate. They would pick the new vice president who would then assume the presidency. The choice was clear: the next leader of the free world would be HillGoose or FuzzyBear. And it was thought that Fuzzy would have the slight edge. But this is where Blairite's choice to elevate Rahm Emmanuel payed off. For the next week, Rahm made the rounds through Dirksen, Russell, and Hart from office to office. He employed every tool in his arsenal: bullying, belittling, and dancing pirouettes. He was even seen dangling Ron Johnson upside down out of a window! When the senate finally convened, an upset occurred. By a margin of two votes, HillGoose (I-TN) would be the 47th President of the United States.

As inauguration day dawned, Kamala Harris wrote a note to her successor, made final preparations for her post-presidential podcast, and took a motorcade down to the Capitol where she greeted HillGoose warmly. At noon, he was sworn in as president. At one, he ordered a nuclear assault be made against Russia. At two, America was obliterated and democracy had perished from this earth.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Me? Why I have no opinion of Bronz but I have heard some people say “Bronz makes up random quotes and ridiculous hypotheticals all based around cops and racial issues in the NY/NJ region and uses it to bait people into discussing his weird race fixations all the while using said quotes to duck any ownership of his actual views”. I don’t know how to feel about this quote so let’s discuss it here

This deserves here as well.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

This is one of the greatest self-ironic posts ever:

tbf

Communism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a communist

Anarchism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a anarchist

'Progressivism': when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a progressive

Liberalism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a liberal

Libertarianism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a libertarian

The Christian Right: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a christian

Nationalism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a nationalist

Conservative: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a conservative

[Context: "When do you feel most sympathetic to opposing ideologies?"]

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

This is just perfect

Before they officially join they must recite the Red Avatar Prayer:
I confess to Almighty Marx, and to you, my non-binary comrades, that I have microaggression in thought, word, and deed; in what I have done and in what my ancestors failed to do, by my fault, by my fault, by my most grievous privilege; wherefore I pray before almighty Marx to have mercy on me, forgive me all my sins, and bring me to everlasting virtue signaling. Amen and Awomen.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

This actually belongs to the Simple Truths and Smart One Liners thread, but in any case:

sorry bruh i don’t need drugs i’m high on microsoft excel

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

This is an old post but I am surprised it was never immortalized here, it's simply beautiful.

Harry S Truman dumping GeneralMacArthur:

In the simplest of terms, what we are doing with the forum updates is this: We are trying to make the Atlas more enjoyable.

I think most people on this forum recognized that Sunday. And they warmly supported the decision of the Modadmin to move the forum to a new domain. Now, many persons, even some who applauded our decision to defend the forum, have forgotten the basic reason for our action.

It is right for us to have fun. It was right Sunday. It is right today.

The question we have had to face is whether the diversity of Atlas can be recognized without new avatars. Our Modadmin and other users associated with us on the Forum Community board believe that the best chance of recognizing it is to make new avatars to represent a variety of parties and countries, historical and modern.

That is what we have been doing. It is a harmless and entertaining task. And so far it has been successful.

So far, by creating many new avatars, we have prevented disinterest from succeeding, and bringing on a general decline in activity. And the ability of the whole forum to express their eccentricities and interests has been greatly improved.

We do not want to see the conflict in Atlas extended. We are trying to unite the forum—not to divide it. The best way to do that is to make it plain that we and the other users will continue to display our avatar of choice.

But you may ask, why should we take other steps to improve the forum. Why should we create avatars for historical countries? Why should we create avatars for countries where no poster lives?

If we were not to do these things we would be running a very grave risk of taking ourselves too seriously. If that were to happen, we would have brought about the exact situation we are trying to prevent.

If we were to do these things, we would become entangled in a vast system of moderator fascism and our task would become immeasurably more difficult all over the forum.

I believe that we must try to improve the forum for these vital reasons: to make sure that the opportunity to increase avatar diversity is not wasted; to see that the strength of the community is not jeopardized; and to prevent a decline in activity.

A number of events have made it evident that General MacArthur did not agree with that policy. I have therefore considered it essential to ignore General MacArthur so that no-one will suffer from exposure to his lousy opinions.

It was with the deepest personal regret that I found myself compelled to take this action. General MacArthur is one of our greatest moderate heroes. But the cause of forum peace is more important than any individual.

The change in commands in the Biden Bros means no change whatever in the policy of the Atlas Forum. We will carry on the fight on the 2020 board with vigor and determination in an effort to bring the primary to a speedy and successful conclusion.

The struggle of the users in Forum Community is a struggle to make the forum more colorful. The users have united their strength in an effort to prevent monotony.

That monotony can come if the Serious Posters want it to come. But this forum and its users will not be responsible for its coming.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Not sure if this was intentionally hilarious but I loved it:

Sidenote: I find my region's record on this absolutely impressive by the way given it is one of the poorest in the country! CC may have been a bunch of corrupt f*** who kept the region dead last on every metric from education and healthcare to unemployment and GDP/capita and inequality, but they have a surprisingly magnificent record on keeping a balanced budget! Truly impressive stuff so credit where credit is due

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Not sure if this was intentionally hilarious but I loved it:

Sidenote: I find my region's record on this absolutely impressive by the way given it is one of the poorest in the country! CC may have been a bunch of corrupt f*** who kept the region dead last on every metric from education and healthcare to unemployment and GDP/capita and inequality, but they have a surprisingly magnificent record on keeping a balanced budget! Truly impressive stuff so credit where credit is due

Worst part is that I was being unironic there! Having a balanced budget, while you also embezzle and steal good chunks of the regional budget is truly impressive stuff!

Of course it comes at the cost of being last in every meaningful performance metric; or sometimes 2nd to last, thank God for Mississippi Extremadura

The budget back in the 2010s probably must have looked something like:

49% Embezzled money Totally real contracts with very real and reputable companies
49% Debt repayments
2% Literally everything else

Wow. Your place sounds delightful, lol.

I do wonder, is Extremadura also very corrupt, and is the Canary problem specific to Coalición Canaria rule or something more or less endemic to the islands?

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

For a good bit of possibly unintentional surreal humour:

Well, for fun I decided to take the UK 2019 results (minus Northern Ireland) and try and shoehorn them into the US House of Representatives constituencies.

There result is a bit dumb but it's not like the premise of this thread can ever be simulated accurately so here it goes



(click to enlarge)

Believe it or not, there is actually a concrete methodology I used for this. Whether it was the best methodology or not is up for debate of course:

Spoiler alert! Click Show to show the content.

Show

1. Take the 3 most Hispanic Districts in California, give them to the Plaid Cymru equivalent

2. Take 3 random "border" districts in Texas, give them to the Conservative Party

3. Take the wealthiest district in Texas, and the El Paso district (to try and simulate the LD strentgh in the "highlands"). Give them to the Lib Dems

4. Give the SNP equivalent every other district in Texas

5. Order the remaining US Congressional districts by household income. Give any Dem-held districts that are among the 218 poorest districts in the US to the Labour Party

6. The Labour party is still 73 seats short of what they "should" have. Give the Labour Party the 36 poorest Republican held seats, and the 37 next poorest Democratic held seats (even if these Dem seats are richer than the US average)

7. Give every remaining district to the Conservative Party

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Haven't used this thread in a very long time but I feel like this post deserves it.

Yes, I used to be like just a few kilograms but now I'm 75 kg. Very concerning