Is it ever ok to call someone a "self-hating jew"?

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

Of course.

Even as a non Jewish person? To me that is sort of grotesque, like when whites call black people Uncle Toms. Who am I, as a gentile, to question the identity of an actual Jewish person? Even if they do have some kind of psychological hang up around their identity, that's between them and their therapist.

The thing about that is that Uncle Tom in the novel is intentionally written to be a very sympathetic and loving character. Kind of a weird epithet.