Comedy Goldmine XI: The Atlas Forum Demilitarized Zone

[Purple State]

He's a self hating gay.  That alone makes him an impossible FF.

I thought the christians liked a self-hating gay?

Its rather like a self-cleaning oven...

[Lunar]

last post here
https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=32969.0

[YRABNNRM]

For a second I was going to say "Wow Naso listens to Weezer..."

haha this is exactly what I thought.

Teenage Dirtbag takes me right back to 2000/2001.

[Platypus]

last post here
https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=32969.0

I actually put that there as an easter egg, something I do occasionally

[Marokai Backbeat]

Since when has Rod Blagojevich been a sex symbol?

Rock Blagojevich.

*cymbal crash*

[paul718]

haha @ the response to this:

https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=94609.0

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

BACK TO THE FUNNY:

I had forgotten how stupid people were during the primaries.

Did you really need those last 3 words?

[The Mikado]

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON THIS THREAD!

Wait, Sensei, what the heck are you holding in that picture?  A spatula?

I think that's his chin he's holding.

[Verily]

This thread is the one, true Comedy Goldmine. All others are anti-Goldmines sent by the Devil to confuse us. It's the second coming of the Great Schism!

Anyway...

sorry.  This is a very serious thread everyone.  Alcon needs to stop being biased.

that brings up a good point - how does one get to be moderator on this forum?  because if I lose my current job, I am  very interested in persuing a career in the custodial arts.

[The Man From G.O.P.]

ITS ALIVE

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

make 'em talk for 30 hours

If Reid had any balls, that's what he'd have them do.  Make them read the fucking phonebook.

ANGRY CONSTINE

[The Mikado]

Xahar will do it for you.

Click for context.  I almost laughed...sort of snorted.

[Rob]

Ya, the statement of Douglas is basically the null set. Isn't it wonderful how folks can string words together that have almost no real substantive content other than conclusory statements of the most banal nature? 

Why, without that skill set, nine-tenths of priests would be standing in the unemployment line.

[Bacon King]

Well first I'd start a party called something like the Revolutionary People's Party. Then the Party would take control of all media and establish a political machine that we'd use to control like 80% of seats in Parliament. I'd probably become PM and then appoint a figurehead President so I could take a break and do whatever I wanted (like host SNL) while I'd have someone else take over as PM. Probably let the opposition get something like 20% of seats in Parliament. Similiar to Egypt. Then I'd set up a network of secret police similar to described in "California Uber Alles", sort of a hipster/scene police. I'd even have special units with no purpose other than to enforce the ban on psuedo-emo fashion, shaving kids' heads, destroying their stupid Hot Topic clothes, etc., and probably the ban on metal music as well. My Chemical Romance and all similar bands would be forced into exile. Ralph Nader would possibly be "disappeared", though I'd rather just arrest and imprison him or also throw him into exile due to the abolishment of the death penalty.

Then I'd probably establish an ultra-liberal State Church so we could crack down on other churches, heavy crackdown on the Catholic Church, Southern Baptists, any fundies, etc. Scientology would be flat out outlawed. I'd legalize gay marriage everywhere but outlaw marriages that violate the half + 7 rule, the exception being heterosexual marriages where the female is older (This would be termed the "Cougar Clause".)

Then the national anthem would be changed to some indie/emo song, and I'd start personality cults around various "scene" heroes, we'd have a national holiday honoring Guy Picciotto for example. Probably Obama too, he'd sort of be held as a state hero like Simon Bolivar is in several South American countries. No doubt both Obama and Picciotto would end up on money. I'd use the powers of eminement domain to build lots and lots of strip clubs. I might even just for kicks have a building with two distinct parts: a strip club and a church of the state religion. This would also be the basis of my patronage system, people would be rewarded for loyalty and service to the regime by being granted ownership of strip clubs. And any attractive female illegal immigrants would have to work two years in one to earn citizenship. Obviously there would also be hordes of indie venues as well. State radio would blare scene music alongside the propaganda all day. It'd be like Enclave Radio on Fallout 3 except with scene music replacing the patriotic songs. Well actually, under this regime the scene music WOULD be the patriotic songs!

All private schools and colleges would be either shut down or nationalized. The only religious schools allowed would be those of the state religion (I guess current liberal Protestant schools could be converted into those) while Catholic and fundie schools are shut down. Secular private schools would be nationalized unless they were deemed too conservative in which case they would be shut down. Private education and homeschooling would be illegal.

Combating suburbia would be a top priority. High taxes would be imposed on suburbs making them effectively unlivable for anyone but the super-rich, who would end up being robbed of their assets. So suburbs would be converted into virtual ghettos, but then renovated to more urban architecure. Freddie Mae and Fannie Mac would be abolished, as would private homeownership for anyone but loyal supporters of the regime. Of course rent would be so heavily subsidized it'd be quite cheap, my current apartment is $550/month, this would be dropped to lower than $300. Of course tons of strip clubs would pop up in the former suburbs. Tons of middle-class families would see themselves forced from owning a McMansion in suburbia to living in an apartment in a dense urban neighborhood quite soon. Our cities would begin to resemble more Europe's. Exurbs and outer suburbs probably would be converted to large farming conglomerates, all nationalized.

Oh and the economic policy would be like Norway or something.

[Keystone Phil]

Ok, this thread is officially back with this one...

Inks on John Ensign...

I could do him - and he's actually pretty good looking.

[Lief 🗽]

BRTD post

Oh yes. That was epic.

[Kaine for Senate '18]

I don't know how and when the Temple will be rebuilt, it may by the result of a peace treaty, but I would suspect it will be rebuilt as the result of a WMD war between Israel and its neighbors:  In such a case, Israel will suffer great loss but will win, then the Jews will expell the Muslims from the land and rebuild the Temple.  (Such a path to the rebuilding of the Temple is only a guess on my, but it is plausible.)  The expelling of Muslims from the Holy Land and the rebuilding of the Temple will lead to worldwide upheaval, thus setting the stage for the new world order in which the AntiChrist will propose a peace treaty ending the Israeli/Muslim conflict.  Such a scenario is possible within the next 10 years, certainly within the next 50 years.

Nurse?! One of the patients has escaped!

[Joe Republic]

Come on Rosanna stay over 20%, that will make it a mandate.

Mandate for what?  Not totally blowing a special election with especially low turnout?

Clearly this is a referendum against Obama.

[Verily]

Ahem, Superman is ineligible to be president, as he was born on Krypton.

Yeah, he's one of those damn illegal immigrants. We don't take kindly to their type around these parts.

[Marokai Backbeat]

I found this amusing for some reason.

what's a likely voter right now anyway?

Someone likely to vote.

[Bacon King]

MIKE NASO IS AMERICA

[Sensei]

MIKE NASO IS AMERICA

please redirect my funnies to the Atlas Bureau of Humor.

Thanks in advance.

[Platypus]

Sensei, you are massive failing.

[Sensei]

Sensei, you are massive failing.

No. I'm a comedic Bodhisattva on the way to hilarious Nirvana.

[Verily]

Needs more cuttlefish

And related stories. (See thread for details.)