Suella Braverman Goes Off In Drunken Invective

[Boobs]

An audio recording of departed Home Secretary Suella Braverman was leaked to the Daily Mail by a parliamentary researcher this evening. Braverman is caught using offensive and vulgar language to express her displeasure with Prime Minister Rishi Sunak and other members of the cabinet, including:
- Calling Lord Cameron, the new Foreign Secretary, a “bag of piss” who prefers “the company of unshaven radical feminists and the usual collection of fattened, lisping, left-leaning toffs”
- Calling Esther McVey, the minister for Common Sense, as she's called, “two tits and a pair of teeth”
- Describing James Cleverly, the new Home Secretary, a “homosexual troglodyte with a facial rash and his own personal undiscovered species of pubic lice”
- Calling Leader of the House of Commons Penny Mordaunt a “bulimic princess who’s more interested in sleeping with the Deputy PM and taking him to the opera, than she is in fighting for Brexit.”
- Describing Sajid Javid, a former Chancellor of the Exchequer, as a “shallow little boy wearing his daddy’s pants” and a “migrant-stereotyping, Islamophobic Tory boy.”
- Braverman called the Prime Minister “a dwarf with the intellect of a three-year-old who was playing with himself” and a “gibbering, turd-brained, halfwit.”
- She said Grant Shapps was a “f***ing paedophile-cum-Nazi apologist with a face like a piece of old shoe leather and a brain the size of a greenfly.”
- She said Liam Fox is “an overweight, flat-faced bloke with the IQ of a bucket of sh**t and the moral courage of a two-year-old.”
- She also described the Conservative party as “full of the likes of Michael Gove, Liz Truss, Andrea Leadsom, Oliver Dowden and Dominic Cummings, a bloody circus of inept, bumbling, ing retards all desperate for the spotlight.”
- Braverman said Michelle Donelan "could suck dry an entire ocean with her inadequate, barking-mad tit" and said Nadine Dorries' face is so "piss-hole ugly that someone should put her up on an estate near Harrow, have her do a lap of honour in front of a crowd of immigrants and have them all laugh their arses off."
- Braverman decried the new Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, Victoria Atkins, as "too ugly to sell herself on the streets, with hair like an immolated monk and the teeth of a meth addict."
- Braverman said that Boris Johnson is "a lying bastard who has more skeletons in his cupboard than an Edwardian funeral parlour, and a face that looks like it was designed by a drunken ape. The only thing that could make him worse is if he was married to someone like his own sister."
- Braverman called the Deputy Prime Minister Oliver Dowden "a bony, ing ponce" and "a weakling, a coward and a f***ing liar who'd suck every last cock in the cabinet just to say he's a Minister."

[JimJamUK]

This did not actually happen.

[CumbrianLefty]

But it easily could have

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

#Toriesindisarray

[Filuwaúrdjan]

The give-away that this is definitely not real is that it is nowhere near unhinged enough.

[Coldstream]

Braverman sober sounds like this.

[Conservatopia]

I saw Suella Braverman at a Tesco in Hampshire once. I told her how cool it was to meet her in person, but I didn’t want to be a dweeb and bother her and ask her for photos or anything.
She said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”
I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but she kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing her hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard her chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw her trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Mars Bars in her hands without paying.
The guy at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Miss, you need to pay for those first.” At first she kept pretending to be tired and not hear him, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.
When he took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, she stopped him and told him to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After he scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, she kept interrupting him by yawning really loudly.

[Kleine Scheiße]

Before someone inevitably blames me, I was not the one who chose not to do anything about this when it was reported for trolling.

[CumbrianLefty]

I am genuinely sad for whatever humourless soul reported the thread starter.