FAB News Network!

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=20]BREAKING NEWS![/size][/color]

BABY NARROWLY SNATCHED FROM THE JAWS OF REAGANFAN BY COURAGEOUS WOMAN!

[/size]

THIS JUST IN:

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, I, News Reporter Bob Stevens have just gotten word that a newborn baby was stolen from a hospital earlier this morning but has now been rescued by a woman in Ohio. We go live to Ohio where Chuck Finnigan has more!

So Chuck, what's going on out there?

(going live to Ohio)

Chuck Finnigan: Well Bob, earlier today, as you said a newborn baby was taken from the hospital, but fortunately now she has been recovered, however this is a fantastical story and rather than my telling it, I have the young lady who saved the day here!

So ma'am, what exactly happened?

Young Lady: Well Chuck, I was walking home from the shops, I had to step out to get a bottle of milk, and as I crossed the bridge over the stream that runs by my house, I could hear a voice under it.

Chuck: I see, was it a voice you....recognised?

Young Lady: Well yes, it sounded familiar, I think I had heard it on the tv before. Well anyway, it sounded sinister and then I heard a baby begin to cry and I just dropped my shopping and jumped into the stream and saw this ghastly sight!

Chuck: What was it ma'am?

Young Lady: It was that guy, the one running for President, what was his name again....

Chuck: Nym? Gustaf? StatesRights? StevenNick? Reaganfan?

Young Lady: Reaganfan! That was it, anyway, he was just about to eat the baby so I soccer punched him, grabbed the baby and ran for my life. I could hear this low gutteral growling behind me and when I looked back, I saw him chasing me!

Chuck: What happened?

Young Lady: Well, after about four blocks he stopped chasing me. Somebody should cage that animal, he is a menace to society!

Chuck: Thank you ma'am. And now, back to you Bob in the studio.

Bob Stevens: Thank you Chuck, this has been an FAB News Announcement.

REAGANFAN WILL EAT YOUR BABIES![/b]

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

SENATOR HUGHENTO DISAPPEARS DURING REALITY SHOW FILMING

Bob Stevens: In other news, the Independent Senator from Iowa, Hughento has appeared on a new reality tv show called "Canadian for a Day"

In an interview earlier Senator Hughento said "I never knew just what Canadians had to put up with...they don't even have Superlarge Muffins there!"

Now appearing on your screen is a snapshot of Senator Hughento in his Mountie uniform, he chose the occupation saying "I always wanted to be a real live Canadian Mountie and wear one of those cool uniforms!" Unfortunately, the uniform attracted some unwanted attention from a Canadian crime ring, pictured in the background. We were later informed, following the interview he gave us, that Senator Hughento mysteriously disappeared, as did the barn shown behind him.

We cannot confirm whether the crime ring was responsible or aliens, or possibly the United Atlas Centrist Party trying to remove Senatorial competition.

Senator Hughento's Atlasian Tour will be Cancelled Until he is recovered

More on this story, later.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

SENATOR HUGHENTO RE-APPEARS

Bob Stevens: Going back to our earlier story, a bedraggled and limp body was found minutes ago in Niagara Falls, New York. The body, when examined had torn bits of red cloth covering it, similar to a Canadian Mountie's Uniform.

When the passer-by who found the body went to turn him over, the horrible stench of burning flesh greeted them, along with a brand on the body's chest, reading

"BUY CANADIAN!"

After the man was admitted to hospital it was confirmed to be the missing Senator Hughento of Iowa. Unperturbed, he is determined to go ahead with his tour before appearing in the next episode of the reality show where he will experience life as an Australian.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

GUBERNATORIAL HOPEFUL SPEAKS OUT AGAINST HUGHENTO ABUSE!

Bob Stevens: Siege40, a Canadian himself has called a Press Conference to speak out against those who abducted and branded Senator Hughento, we now go live to the Press Conference.

(cameras flashing as Siege40 steps up to a podium)

Siege40: Ladies and Gentlemen, what these Canadians have done to Mr Hughento is unacceptable, I cannot condemn it more, to attack a US Senator is just not on Ladies and Gentlemen and when I am elected Governor, I will make sure nothing like this ever happens again!

Reporter: Mr Siege, aren't you a Canadian yourself?

Siege40: Yes I am, but I do not agree with these tactics, even IF we should all BUY CANADIAN!

Reporter: Mr Siege, what is that branding device doing sticking out of your pocket?

Siege40: (hurriedly hiding branding device) Oh...that? I use it for branding my cattle, heh.

Reporter: Don't you live in Augusta Mr. Siege?

Siege40: Uh...yeah, what sort of Press Conference is this? Why are you asking me hard questions? Get outta here or I'll brand you all!!!

(Siege40 removes branding device which reads "BUY CANADIAN!")

(camera quickly switches back to the studio)

Bob Stevens: Uh.. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry, we cannot show the rest of that Press Conference. Sorry, Moving swiftly on......

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=20]BREAKING NEWS![/size][/color]

PRESIDENT INSTALLS GOLF COURSE!

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just received word that President Nym90 has spent $8.25 million of the tax-payers money on installing a golf course in the White House, we spoke to the President earlier today.

(play clip of Chuck Finnigan chasing the President)

Chuck: Mr. President, is it true you installed a golf course at the White House?

President Nym90: No comment.

Chuck: Mr. President, if there isn't a golf course then why do we keep hearing yells of "FORE!" and see golf balls flying into the street?

President Nym90: No Comment.

(President Nym90 jumps into a limousine and drives off)

Chuck: Well Bob, we didn't get much from the President, but here is Senator John F. Kennedy emerging from the White House Gates. Hello Senator Kennedy!

Senator Kennedy: (dressed in tartan trousers with a bag of golf clubs over his shoulder) Hi there Chuck!

Chuck: Senator Kennedy, why do you have golf clubs with you?

Senator Kennedy: Oh...er these? Well, I lent them to an aide for a game.....

Chuck: Senator, earlier you were spotted shouting "FORE!" and swinging a golf club. This pretty much confirms suspicions of a golf course in the White House, doesn't it?

Senator Kennedy: Nonsense, no golf course there!

Senator Beet: (emerging from White House) Great game John!

Senator Kennedy: Thanks I been working on my swing!

Chuck: A-HA!

Senator Kennedy: But anyway, if there WAS a golf course, which there isn't, I am sure Gustaf would really enjoy playing it when he becomes President in June.

Chuck: Also Mr. Kennedy, what happened to those two young ladies you appeared with at a UAC Party Fundraiser?

Senator Kennedy: Uh..... No Comment.

(Senator Kennedy jumps into a limousine and drives off at speed)

Chuck: Back to you Bob!

(back to studio)

Bob Stevens: Well, we now have some comments from two other Presidential hopefuls, Gustaf and Reaganfan, we go live!

(cut to Gustaf)

Gustaf: Well clearly, the dimensions of the white house and the trajectory with which a ball would be fired would make keeping the aforementioned leisure facilities incognito, physically impossible. Not only are such sporting grounds not viable in the White House, but their erection would not be possible to keep clandestine.

(back to studio)

Bob Stevens: Uh, in English Gustaf?

(back to Gustaf)

Gustaf: I am looking forward to playing there! Although I don't understand how people failed to notice it being built!

(back to studio)

Bob Stevens: Thanks Gustaf, and now, over to reaganfan

(cut to reaganfan)

Reaganfan: I like whacking balls, I sometimes whack them so hard they crack.

(back to studio)

Bob Stevens: Thank You reaganfan, ladies and gentlemen, Goodnight!

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=20]BREAKING NEWS![/size][/color]

President Pro Tempore Investigated for Corruption Charges!

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, today, President Pro Tempore of the Senate, Harry of Mississippi is being investigated on corruption charges. On your screens now is a picture of a briefcase which may or may not be being carried by Harry and may or may not contain stolen money.

Clearly he disposed of this briefcase somehow and it is this newsbroadcasters opinion he  used it to buy drugs as he was later seen leading a marching band, something which you clearly would have to be on drugs to do.



Harry refused to comment on the alleged corruption and substance abuse charges, instead telling our news reporter to "Go to hell".

More on this story later.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=20]BREAKING NEWS![/size][/color]

GOVERNOR ILIKEVERIN CAUGHT IN UNDERAGE DRINKING SCANDAL

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen we have received word that Mid-Western Governor ILikeVerin has been caught up in an underage drinking scandal, we now go live to Minnesota where Chuck Finnigan has the scoop.

(cut to Minnesota)

Chuck: Thank you Bob, as you can see, I am here in front of the Governor's house where Governor ILikeVerin is reported to have woken up from his mid-afternoon nap feeling cranky because of a severe hangover from the 2 bottles of low-alcohol beer he drank earlier. ILikeVerin is reported to now be on a time-out after he threw his beloved choo-choo train out the window, and here it is:

 (old picture stopped working)

Governor ILikeVerin has had a great reputation as being a T-totaller in the past, what caused this drunken rampage is unsure, but police are now questioning several aides whom he threw apple juice cartons at.

Back to you in the studio Bob.

(cut to studio)

Bob Stevens: Chuck Finnigan, thank you.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

JOSH22 CAUGHT IN DRUG TRAFFICKING RING

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, it was reported to us earlier today by a man whom we shall call Mr. Rights... no wait, that is too obvious, lets just call him States, that former ANP and AFRNC Chairman Josh22 has been involved in an illegal drug trafficking ring.

As you can see in the photo shown above, he is clearly high on something, be it wacky tabacky or something stronger. Scientists also believe he may be viewing pornography which would explain the animalistic and moronic expression.

We now cross live to Chuck Finnigan in Greensboro North Carolina

(cut to Chuck)

Chuck: Well Bob, I am right now outside the home of Josh where a suspicious looking car recently pulled up as you can see

(waves in direction of car)



The people who arrived in this car looked to be Colombian and were carrying large white packages, what is going on inside we can only imagine, although we did earlier here Josh exclaiming "This is cheap Sh*t! I wanted the good stuff!"

A Military Task Force, as you can see is just preparing to break in and arrest these druggies.



This looks like it could get ugly Bob, back to you in the studio.

(cuts to studio)

Bob Stevens: Thank you Chuck, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=20]BREAKING NEWS![/size][/color]

CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT CLOSET REPUBLICAN

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, in a startling turn of events it was today discovered that Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Migrendel, a man who supports polygamy, is a closet Republican. Shown now on your screen with former President Ronald Reagan.

We now cross live to Chuck Finnigan who has an exclusive interview with the man who revealed Migrendel's closet Republicanism.

(cut to Chuck Finnigan)

Chuck: Thanks Bob, well, as you can see I am joined here by Chief Justice KEmperor. Hi KEmperor

KEmperor: Well hi Chuck!

Chuck: Now, Mr Associate Justice, why do you suspect Migrendel of being a closet Republican.

KEmperor: Well, it was during the District 4 fiasco, he told me the papers regarding it were in his bottom desk drawer and when I removed them the photo your network is broadcasting fell out. It was in a heart shaped frame.

Chuck: Really? But how did you manage to get it out of there without him noticing?

KEmperor: Oh, well, I took the negatives, made a copy and replaced the negatives a few days later.

Chuck: Thank you KEmperor, well Bob, this IS a startling change of events. Back to you in the studio.

(cut to studio)

Bob Stevens: Nice Scoop there Chuck, next thing you know we'll be hearing about Reaganfan admiring Bill Clinton. Ladies and Gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[Nym90]

Good work so far JFK!

Kemperor is only an Associate Justice however, not Chief Justice.

[JohnFKennedy]

Good work so far JFK!

Kemperor is only an Associate Justice however, not Chief Justice.

that is what it says..... heehee..... we are ALWAYS FAB!

[Nym90]

Ok, if you want to report that there are 2 Chief Justices then that's fine by me.

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

PBRUNSEL GOES ON RAMPAGE AFTER LOSING CONTEST

Bob Stevens: Vice-Presidential hopeful PBrunsel today went on a rampage destroying large amounts of property following a contest that took place earlier today which this newsreader has never heard of.

It was the Herbert Hoover look-a-like competition. PBrunsel came in third place, on your screens now is a picture of the winner of the contest.

PBrunsel, outraged by his lacklustre third place finish, showed a side to himself that we had not yet seen. The angry PBrunsel exclaimed that the Judges had made him angry and "You wouldn't like me when I am angry" before he began to swell up, his face turning green and his suit ripping until all that he was left wearing was a pair of presumably blue-lycra underwear before running riot through the streets of San Francisco where the contest was held. Here is a close-up that a cameraman managed to get of him before he was thrown through a brick wall.



Hopefully we will have more on this story later. Goodnight

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[ilikeverin]

Apparantly I'm not a 'happy drunk'

[JohnFKennedy]

Apparantly I'm not a 'happy drunk'

NO! You're a very naughty boy! lol.

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

FIRST HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGE CONDUCTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have some breaking news from Massachusetts where the first homosexual marriage has been conducted. The couple, were none other than Brambila and Shapeshifter whose absence has been duly noted.

As you can see from the picture now on your screen, we caught up with the two on the following day. Now we will play for you, Chuck Finnigan's interview with the two.

(cuts to Chuck Finnigan)

Chuck: Well I am just now catching up with Senator Shapeshifter and his husband Brambila. Hello Gentlemen

Brambila & Shapeshifter: Well hello Chuck!

Chuck: How does it feel to have made the news for the right reasons?

Shapeshifter: Great Chuck!

Chuck: So, when did you decide to get married?

Brambila: We didn't, I was drunk and Shapeshifter took advantage of me!

Shapeshifter: THAT'S A LIE! I sobered you up for our wedding night!

Brambila: You didn't let me finish, I WAS drunk, but when I sobered up, I realised I had found the right guy for me, me and Shapeshifter are going to move to Holland after his Senatorial term is up, we intend to join the gay porn industry.

Shapeshifter: Yes, we do.

Chuck: Well, thank you for the interview gentlemen, I look forward to seeing your work! No.. I mean, I look forward to seeing the back of you! NO! Argh, Get away from me you poofs!

(cut to studio)

Bob Stevens: We will cut it off there, it gets pretty bad. Ladies and Gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

BOSS TWEED ELECTION SHOCKER!

Bob Stevens: After a recent investigation into the District One Senatorial Elections, the detectives were shocked to find that Boss Tweed had, for the first time, NOT rigged an election!

I'm now joined by top political commentator htmldon

So, don, how shocked were you to hear this announcement?

htmldon: Incredibly shocked, I was watching Fox and -

Bob Stevens: You were watching Fox??? Why not FAB?

htmldon: Well, I don't get FAB but any-

Bob Stevens: You DON'T get FAB? What sort of political commentator are you? What do you know about politics?

htmldon: Well, I do have a degree in -

Bob Stevens: Whatever, I don't really care. Goodbye Don

(motions to security guards who remove htmldon)

Well anyway, we do have a back-up commentator, here is Gore For President.

Hello Mr Gore

Gore For President: Hi Bob, I must say I love your show!

Bob Stevens: Ah! A REAL political commentator!

Gore For President: Yes, well anyway, I was shocked by this, Boss Tweed NOT rig an election? Why, it's like a Reaganfan victory, that rarest of events.

Bob Stevens: Good analogy Gore, we are going to have to go now.

Ladies and Gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

EXECUTIONER SHOCKER!!

Bob Stevens: Peter Bell, also known as Gore for President, former Chief Executioner during the civil war today showed a different side to him, the photo shown on your screens now is a photo of him preparing to execute Senator Shapeshifter following his resignation from the Senate and crapping on his seat. But now, Peter has shown a truly different side to him, we caught up with him earlier to show him a picture.

Now, over to Chuck Finnigan, who has not yet been fired.

(cut to Chuck)

Chuck: Thank you Bob, I am at this minute chasing after Peter to show him the picture. PETER! PETER!

Peter Bell: Yeah what?

Chuck: Peter, do you recognise this photo?

(Chuck raises photo)


Peter Bell: Holy Sh*t! Where'd you get that ya lil b*stard!

Come here!!!

(Peter Bell chases Chuck up street)

Chuck: As you can see Bob, I am a little tied up right now (pants) Back to you!

(cuts to studio)

Bob Stevens: Thank you Chuck, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=10]BREAKING NEWS![/color][/size]

GUSTAF PROTEST SHOCKER!

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, in this FAB News Exclusive, we bring you this photo shown on your screen now, of UAC Presidential candidate Gustaf Lundgren protesting!

With us is a top translator from the University of......where is it again?

Mr. Campbell: Cah-Nah-Duh

Bob Stevens: ah crap! Well ok, a translator is better than no translator, Mr Campbell, what does the sign say?

Mr. Campbell: It say th-at Dow-en Wi-the Dee-Moe-Crass-ee.

Bob Stevens: I see, so, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, Presidential Candidate Gustaf protests against democracy, lets see what Chuck Finnigan has to say.

(camera cuts to Chuck running)

Chuck: (pant) Hey (pant) Bob, as you can (pant) see, I am still running from (pant) Peter (pant) Bell. He (pant) has his (pant) axe now (pant) though. Gustaf (pant) protesting (pant) against (pant) Democracy (pant) what a shocker, (pant) any of the (pant) other news (pant) networks (pant) reported it (pant) yet?

(cut to studio)

Bob Stevens: No Chuck, we're the first, remember, you heard it here, at FAB News, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[Michael Z]

LOL. Great stuff, keep it up.

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=10]BREAKING NEWS![/color][/size]

VP AL GAMBLES WHITE HOUSE

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, in a shocking event, we have word that Vice-Presidential Al, a long-time gambler today gambled the White House and LOST!



That's right ladies and gentlemen! Al gambled the beloved residency of the President to a known gangster, pictured on your screen now.

We can now go live to the man who won the White House.

(cut to gambler)

Gambler: Yeah that's right, Al owed me big, up there around 500 G's so I said you got any property and he says the White House and shows me the deeds so I says you got it Al, lets play, and we did, and I won, so I want all you fancy pantsy government people outta my house now! Looks like I'll be the one using that golf course now, not gustaf like that Kennedy guy said!

(cut to studio)

Bob Stevens: This IS a terrible turn of events and may put a serious dent in Nym90's re-election campaign, should Al resign? this newsreader thinks so. But then, this newsreader still thinks Al Gore won in 2000. Ladies and Gentlemen, goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

[size=10]BREAKING NEWS![/color][/size]

NYM90 INVOLVED IN GANGLAND SHOOTING!

Bob Stevens: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a breaking news report from the city slums of D.C. where President Nym90 just shot a man in broad daylight. Nym it was reported was angered by having to move out of the White House after his Vice President Al lost it in a game of poker and when he tried to use his gangland to connections to help get it back, he was shunned. To show his power, he drew a gun and fired a direct shot straight into the gang leader's head.

The new leader of the gang has offered $50G's to the person who can bring him Nym90's head on a plate so this reporter is out of here. $50 G's is more than he makes in a year. Later dudes.

(Bob Stevens loads a shotgun and goes Nym hunting)

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

SECRETARY OF LABOR FRITZ CAUGHT TORCHING CONVENTION!

Chuck Finnigan: Chuck Finnigan here, filling in for Bob Stevens who went nym hunting. I finally made it away from Peter Bell, although I did lose a large amount of body hair and weight doing so.

We have received news from Minneapolis where, Secretary of Labor Fritz, seen above with a flamethrower burnt down the convention centre following the UAC Convention crying "MUST GET CLEAN! MUST GET CLEAN! ERADICATE CENTRIST B*STARDS!"

Here is the convention centre before Fritz got to it:



and now after:



As you can see he also moved it several miles to the forest and shrunk it too.

Following this atrocity, Fritz proceeded to dress up as his idol, Fritz the Cat, pictured below and stage a protest in favour of cartoon pornography. During this protest he abducted the now rehabilitated Governor ILikeVerin and performed humiliating anatomical tests on him.



Police feared to approach the nine-lived Fritz as they only had 6 bullets between them and feared that he would get bigger and stronger with every shot.

Those morons were subsequently sacked

I personally salute the efforts of Fritz to get rid of those bloody centrist b*stards! Good on ya man!

Goodnight.

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report

[Josh/Devilman88]

Good stories made me laugh.. but right now i have to go smoke me that good stuff and look at some porn.. hehe

[JohnFKennedy]

OTHER NEWS![/color][/size]

FORD IMPRISONED!

Chuck Finnigan: Ladies and Gentlemen, Lt. Governor of the Pacific Region John D. Ford was today jailed while trying to shoot the President with a shotgun. Apparently Ford owed a considerable amount of money to a loanshark and thought he would collect on the $50,000 reward for shooting Nym90.

In fact, we can now reveal, that John D. Ford, is in fact, our own Bob Stevens, former news reader.

Apparently Bob, or John as we now know him to be, wearing a latex mask posed as a tv news presenter to make some extra cash to pay off the loansharks, unfortunately the pay here is awful so it didn't work too well. So, when the opportunity to make 50,000 big ones arose, Ford seized it.



Here is a picture of Ford, his face blacked out, lying in wait for Nym90, fortunately the FBI got there first.

YOU'RE GOING AWAY FOR A LONG TIME FORD! A LONG TIME!!!

This has been a FAB news update, Remember, if it's not FAIR and BALANCED, it isn't FAB.

Thank you

This has been a Fair and Balanced News Network Report