HARD TO FOLLOW: A new non-serious election game interest thread

[VirginiaAaron]

So, I'm sure most of you are familiar with the "Beto Late than Never" timeline. I decided that rather than doing a serious game that I'd quickly get bored of, I'd do a non-serious game.

So, presenting.....

Hard to Follow

A Non-Serious Election Game

-In 2016, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is elected President of the United States under a write-in campaign with reality TV host Jeff Probst as his Vice President
-The Rock isn’t running for a second term, because he’s going to be running for the UK Parliament as a Tory
-The Rock repeals Obamacare and replaces it with DwayneCare, which is a healthcare plan that abolishes all hospitals, doctors, dentists, etc.
-Vice President Probst attempts to overthrow the Johnson administration and the federal government
-President Johnson creates the Department of Muscle
-President Johnson initially appoints Eric Holder the Secretary of Muscle, but then appoints 4-time Survivor contestant, Sandra Diaz-Twine on the advice of Vice President Probst.

Here are some of the Cabinet appointees:

-Secretary of State: Julia Louis Dreyfus (in character as Selina Meyer)
-Secretary of Treasury: Kevin Hart
-Secretary of Defense: Vin Diesel
-Attorney General: Kevin James (in character as Paul Blart, Mall Cop)
-Secretary of Muscle: Sandra Diaz-Twine
-Secretary of Interior: Amy Poehler (in character as Leslie Knope)
-Secretary of Agriculture: Ben Carson
-Secretary of Commerce: Arnold Schwarzenegger
-Secretary of Labor: The Ghost of Joan Rivers
-Secretary of Health and Human Services: Dr. Mehmet Oz
-Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Harry Reid
-Secretary of Transportation: Jay Leno
-Secretary of Energy: Tom Bergeron
-Secretary of Education: Angelina Jolie
-Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Adam Driver
-Secretary of Homeland Security: Larry the Cable Guy
-Postmaster General: Mark Sanford

President Johnson's approval rating is at an all-time high. A new Gallup poll says that around 83% of Americans approve of President Johnson, while a mere 31% say they approve of Vice President Probst.

GOP 2020 Candidates:

-Arnold Schwarzenegger, Secretary of Commerce and former Governor of California
-Larry the Cable Guy, Secretary of Homeland Security (NOTTYLER)
-Katie Arrington, former South Carolina State Representative and 2018 candidate for Congress (SC-01)
-Mark Sanford, Postmaster General and former South Carolina Governor
-Janet Jackson, singer
-Willie Robertson, CEO of Duck Commander and reality TV star
-Phil Robertson, founder of Duck Commander, reality TV star, and former college football player
-Kevin James (in character as Paul Blart), Attorney General and actor
-Reba McEntire, singer
-Vicki Gunvalson, insurance agent and cast member of “The Real Housewives of Orange County”

Dem 2020 Candidates:

-Jeff Probst, Vice President and host of “Survivor”
-Chris Rothfuss, Minority Leader of the Wyoming Senate and 2008 Senate candidate
-Jane Sanders, wife and murderer of Bernie Sanders
-Andy Cohen, host of Bravo’s “Watch What Happens, Live” and Lindsey Graham’s secret boyfriend
-Amy O’Rourke, wife and murderer of Beto O’Rourke
-Hunter Biden, son of former Vice President Joe Biden (OregonBlueDog)
-Vrindavan Gabbard, sister of Tulsi Gabbard (KaiserDave)
-Dolly Parton, singer
-Shania Twain, singer
-Sandra Diaz-Twine, Secretary of Muscle and 2-time winner of “Survivor” (jakobisgood)
-Mike Gravel, current and former Alaska U.S. Senator (Lincoln Council Speaker S019)
-Julie Chen, reality TV show host and former talk show host

WHO WILL FOLLOW THE ROCK TO THE WHITE HOUSE?!

[OBD]

Literally have 1% comprehension of this scenario but I'll take Hunter Biden.

[VirginiaAaron]

Literally have 1% comprehension of this scenario but I'll take Hunter Biden.

Granted!

[Orwell]

I am so confused

[VirginiaAaron]

I am so confused

Good, who you playin as?

[OSR STANDS WITH PALESTINE]

I’ll take Larry the Cable Guy

[VirginiaAaron]

I’ll take Larry the Cable Guy

Granted

[VirginiaAaron]

Rules:

Turns will vary depending on what stage of the campaign we're in. Each candidate will get 2 free endorsements (no high-profile leaders such as The Rock or any cabinet members or any former presidents). For every 5% in a poll, a candidate will receive 1 credit. US House members or state legislators are worth 1 credit. Former Senators, former cabinet officials, and former Governors are worth 2 credits. And lastly, sitting Senators, Governors, cabinet officials, and political organizations (such as the NAACP or the AFL-CIO) are worth 3 credits. You are allowed 2 ads per week and are restricted from buying out other candidates' ads.

Schedules are HIGHLY recommended, along with 1 or 2 stump speeches. Schedules can be as specific as a day-by-day format with 1-3 events per day or "Larry the Cable Guy spent 2 weeks in Iowa and a few days in New Hampshire". Schedule windows with their due dates will be posted with the annual polling updates. An announcement speech is required to begin your campaign and should be posted ASAP.

Lastly, do not take this seriously. This is a ridiculous game, treat it like one. Be funny, be creative, and most of all have fun.

[VirginiaAaron]

Endorsement Tracker:

Democrats:

Hunter Biden-

Joe Biden, father of the candidate and former Vice President of the United States (freebie because they're family)

Chelsea Clinton, former First Daughter of the United States

Tom Perez, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee

Sandra Diaz-Twine

Debbie Wanner, former Survivor contestant from Seasons 32 and 34

"Boston Rob" Mariano, 5-time Survivor contestant from seasons 4, 8, 20, 22, and 40

Mike Gravel

Chuck Schumer, Senate Minority Leader and senior Senator from New York

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House and Representative from California's 12th District

Vrindavan Gabbard

Tulsi Gabbard, Representative from Hawaii's 2nd District

Bashar al-Assad, 19th President of Syria

Vladimir Putin, 2nd and 4th President of Russia

Republicans:

Larry the Cable Guy-

Sarah Palin, former Governor of Alaska and 2008 GOP nominee for Vice President

Marilyn Manson, singer

[VirginiaAaron]

TURN 1: READY, SET, GO!

With several prospective candidates hinting they will run for the highest office in the land, a contentious primary and close general election will come soon...

Schedules for this turn should be between the months of January and April 2019. You pick when and where you want to do your announcement speech and post an excerpt of the speech. The schedules and announcement speeches will be due on April 12 (it'll be pushed back if we get more candidates, however, I doubt it, unfortunately).

There will likely be a debate this turn, or some sort of town hall. Get posting and don't take this seriously.

Here's an early poll that really indicates nothing.

DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL PRESIDENTIAL PREFERENCE POLL (JANUARY 2019)

Hunter Biden: 13%

Sandra Diaz-Twine: 13%

Mike Gravel: 13%

Vrindavan Gabbard: 13%

Undecided: 48%

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL PRESIDENTIAL PREFERENCE POLL (JANUARY 2019)

Larry the Cable Guy: 17%

Undecided: 83%

[McGovernite]

sandra diaz twine campaign schedule:

- campaign in all 50 states

[VirginiaAaron]

sandra diaz twine campaign schedule:

- campaign in all 50 states

This. Is. Perfection.

[S019]

Is it too late for me to join as Mike Gravel

[VirginiaAaron]

Is it too late for me to join as Mike Gravel

No it's not. PM me your 2 free endorsements.

[OBD]

Hunter Biden Campaign Objectives
- Hunter Biden himself will focus on campaigning in ALL of the early states, as he believes he has a chance of winning each of them.
- The Biden campaign will run ads and media articles connecting Biden favorably to his father, while also creating a 'badass' look for Hunter (sunglasses, hairy legs, fake muscles, etc.) that'll evoke comparisons to the popular incumbent POTUS. An aggressive meme campaign will also be launched.
- Meanwhile, with the cooperation of DNC head Tom Perez, the Biden campaign's secret Ukrainian Burisma assets will begin preparations to rigcorrect election results not favorable to Biden. Perez will leak copies of ballots to Biden's Ukrainian offices in Kiev, who will use a photocopier to stock blank ballots in warehouses in Manchester, Spartanburg, and Pahrump. Burisma assets will also work to hack the Iowa Caucus and appoint people who can't do math as precinct captains, the latter of which can simply be accomplished by randomly selecting Republicans from the population.

[VirginiaAaron]

FIRST DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE(all images downloaded from Flickr, except for Gravel which is from Wikimedia Commons)

Carlson: Good evening. I'm Tucker Carlson, and I'll be moderating this first Democratic presidential debate in Des Moines, Iowa. I'm here with...

...son of fomer Vice President Joe Biden and board member of Burisma, Hunter Biden...

...4-time Survivor contestant and the first ever Secretary of Muscle, Sandra Diaz-Twine...

...sister of Hawaii Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, Vrindavan Gabbard...
(I could not find any CC photos of Vrindavan, so Tulsi will have to do for now)

...and lastly Alaska Senator, Mike Gravel

Carlson: Candidates will give an opening statement, answer two specific questions, and give a closing statement. Responses and statements will be judged on craziness, length, and, of course, votes from the audience and you, the viewers across the nation. So, without further ado, let's start.

Specific Questions

To Mr. Biden: Recently, you've been using your connections to Ukraine via Burisma to "correct" the election to your favor along with the help of DNC Chairman Tom Perez. What do you say to critics say that this is "anti-democratic"?

To Secretary Diaz-Twine In the last few weeks you've started your very own 50-state tour. Do you think this is practical? Follow-up question, you've established yourself as the "Queen". Why is this and do you plan to reform the United States to a monarchy, if elected?

To Ms. Gabbard You've just announced your candidacy and immediately gotten the endorsements of the Presidents of Syria and Russia. What do you say to critics who think that you and your sister are "apologists" to Putin and Assad?

To Senator Gravel In the past, you've campaigned on ending all wars and becoming an isolationist nation. President Johnson's approval is sky-high. He's embraced interventionist beliefs and has started 33 wars in the last few years alone. Do you stand by that previous promise to "end all wars"?

[OBD]

Hunter Biden Debate Responses

Opening Statement

*walks on stage in sunglasses, lifeguard tanktop, and shorts, to showcase muscles, tattoos, and very, very hairy legs*

Helllooooooooo Iowa! привітання!

To anyone out there who doesn't know me, I'm Hunter Biden, and I'm running because my dad's too old and diseased and the DNC needs a candidate to support! Tom Perez, if you're out there somewhere, thanks for being a bro and helping out with my campaign operations. I owe my inevitable victory to you, дуже дякую.

The Johnson Presidency has been pretty good, I'll admit. But under a Biden Presidency, America will become even greater! I'll make America the coolest nation in the world, by heralding a new age of technology, progress, and money. Lots of гроші. Under my rule, we'll build cool looking glass buildings and railways, and every American will recieve a custom printed $10,000 bill with my face on it. круто, правда?

To close this opening statement, I'd like to remind everyone that I'm Joe Biden's son, and that Joe Biden was Obama's Vice President! Obama! So yeah, vote for me.

Question

That's a f--king load of malarkey, and no true American should believe my campaign is engaging in undemocratic conduct. In fact, these operations are nessecary to maintain American democracy! There's a lot of bad hombres out there who want to undermine my campaign - I mean American interests - and we need to take aggressive action to stop them in their tracks. There's people out there voting against me, and it's our civic responsibility to counter their foreign influence on our elections. And by the way, what reporters are spreading these heretical views? I'd like to offer them 'correctional vacations' to Ukraine, sponsored by Burisma! If you're watching this, don't hesitate to come forward to my campaign's засоби тортур-I mean, offices.

Closing
We've heard a lot of good ideas tonight, and a lot of malarkey too, and anyway I'd like to thank my fellow candidates for daring to show up and challenge my will. You see, it's very clear that America wants another Biden in the White House, so my campaign would like to make a special offer to the American people. If you want to vote in your state's primary but don't have the time or requisite legal papers, don't worry! Our campaign will vote for you. Just go to HunterBiden.com, click "Voter Registration", and we will mail in a ballot to your polling place in your name! And, the first 50,000 registrees will be given money AND entered into a lottery to win a free vacation to a Burisma-owned resort in Eastern Europe! Thanks again for tuning in, and град биден!

all cyrillic is badly translated ukrainian (gm note)

[KaiserDave]

Vrindavan Gabbard Debate Answers

Vrindavan enters the stage with this music...

Opening Statement

I'm running to stop the wars! We're sending millions of Americans to die defending poppy fields in Afghanistan, and millions to die defending oil fields in Iraq! And soon we'll be sending troops to Venezuela to defend cocaine interests! No more! America can't do this any more.


But uuuuhhhhh, if Russia, Syria, and India do it we cool.

Question

Beware! If you consider questioning my divinely inspired wisdom I will barrel bomb your home! I will send nerve gas into your house! Bashar will provide and we will see your destruction! Therefore I demand total loyalty and unquestioning devotion from every single American. If not your house will become a pit of glass and feces! I will not hesitate to bomb the f*** outta you home if Putin says so! Starts with you Tucker, wipe the f***ing stupid face off your f***ing stupid head! I will personally cut you in half!


Closing Statement

heeeeeeeeeeeey ya! el sha'ab el souri bil sahhat, lal majd byerfa'a rayat, a'am b'yehtuf bi tlat kilmat, allah souriya w bashar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR kneeseh w jame'e metehhdeen w l'emhhabi a'anwan el deen w mlayeen el souriyeen w ma badhon illa bashar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR pew pew, pepew pepepewepew pew pew, pepew pepepewepew pewpewpewpewpewpewpew SOURIYA pew pew, pepew pepepewepew pew pew, pepew pepepewepew pewpewpewpewpewpewpew pew pew pewwwww SOURIYA pew pew peew HALA HALLAH pew pew peew HAMIYAH pew pew peew HALA HALLAH pew pew peew HAMIYAH pew pew, pepew SOURIYA pew pew, pepew SOURIYA pew pew, pepew SOURIYA pewpewpewpewpewpewpew pew pew pewwwww heeeeeeeeeeeey ya! el jaysh el souri bwa'fet e'ez, w haz el kown w ma byenhaz, ya rabi men e'endak e'ez, el jaysh souri hal meghwar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR souriya rjala ferssan, lama btenzal a'al meedan, ila b'tahhreer el Joulan, ma byerdha'l ka'ed Bashar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR te lou lou lou tel lou lou lou le lou te lou lou lou tel lou lou lou le lou SOURIYA ALLAH HAMIYA pe pe pe pe pee pee pepepepee pe pe pe pe pee pee pepepepee pe pe pew pew pelepewpew pe pe pew pew pelepewpew pew pew pew te lou lou lou tel lou lou lou le lou te lou lou lou tel lou lou lou le lou SOURIYA ALLAH HAMIYA te lou lou lou tel lou lou lou le lou te lou lou lou tel lou lou lou le lou heeeeeeeeeeeey ya! Yusuf A'zma a'a hhsano, be nadee Braheem Hanano, w'l sultan basha be zmano, sha'al Fransa bel nar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR w'l sheikh Saleh b'jbalo qad el thowra b'rjalo w'Hafez wassa b'rjalo b'Souriya balad al ahrar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR wenenenene wenenenene wenenenene nou wenenenene ne ne nou gheyro mamen reed bashar bel tehhdeed rahh nerja'a w ne'ed bashar bel tehhdeed gheyro mamen reed bashar bel tehhdeed rahh nerja'a w ne'ed bashar bel tehhdeed heeeeeeeeeeeey ya! nehna fajr el hurriyi b'hroof el abjadiyi siryan w feneeqeyee gheyr souriya mam nekhtar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR oulou bel sawt el a'ali badna nsoon el rissali lal ghali w'ibn el ghali w bel rooh bnifdee bashar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR el sha'ab el souri bil sahhat, lal majd byerfa'a rayat, a'am b'yehtuf bi tlat kilmat, allah souriya w bashar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR allah w souriya w Bashar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR nehhna rjalak ya bashar NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR allah w souriya w Bashar! NEHHNA RJALAK YA BASHAR

[McGovernite]

opening statement: listen yall, i have won survivor twice. i encountered this guy named russell hantz on the show, a real piece of sh**t. i beat the sh**t out of him and this whore parvati, and won for a second time. i am the queen of survivor, and i will become the queen of america. you will be electing me.

question answer: who cares if it's practical, i didnt ask.

follow up: i will reform to a monarchy, and i will be the queen.

closing statement: i expect all of your votes, or experience the wrath of sandra diaz twine. queen stays queen, adios.

[S019]

Well to begin with, thank you for having this debate. My sole goal is to end all wars, if there is a candidate who can do that, I will happily endorse them. The truth is that a trigger happy neoconservative complex has grasped the Democratic Party and made it akin to the disaster of the Bush Republican Party and now the Johnson White House. If I am nominated, I will abandon this trigger happy interventionist thought and I will, as Warren Harding once said, return us to normalcy.



To Senator Gravel In the past, you've campaigned on ending all wars and becoming an isolationist nation. President Johnson's approval is sky-high. He's embraced interventionist beliefs and has started 33 wars in the last few years alone. Do you stand by that previous promise to "end all wars"?

I don't deny that President Johnson has been a failure, he absolutely has been. He is representative of the worst parts of the neoconservative faction that is present not only in the Republicans, but also the Democrats, as well. For instance, I want to press Mr. Biden on this in particular. His father voted for the war in Iraq, which was an absolute disaster, and we knew that the Bush administration was lying to us, yet Hunter Biden has yet to say anything on his father's vote, it's time for him to admit the truth. I will now quote someone who I disagree with strongly , Barry Goldwater, he said in 1964 "that [the Republicans] need to offer a choice not an echo." Well here in 2020, we stand and we have a choice we can offer the same type of neoconservative establishment stooge like Hunter Biden or we can nominate someone who will serve as a clear contrast to the dumpster-fire-level disaster that is the Johnson presidency. We won't win by echoing the disaster of the neoconservative complex that has plagued American society, so I ask the Democrats yet again, do we want to echo this disaster or do we want real change to end the endless wars that we are involved in.


Closing statement:


The choice is clear: a bunch of trigger-happy war-hawk DINOs or a proper Democrat. The choice is clear someone who echoes President Johnson versus someone who contrasts from them. We can't end the neoconservative complex without your help though, go to MikeGravel.com or text Mike Gravel to 2020, and make a small donation, so that not only can we return to the debate stage, but we can run ads across the nation. Thank you!

[VirginiaAaron]

BIDEN, GABBARD WIN DEM DEBATE

Mr. Hunter Biden and Ms. Vrindavan Gabbard were viewed as the biggest winners in the Democratic debate last week, per a Reuters poll conducted shortly thereafter. Biden was viewed as the best debater by 30% of respondents, while Gabbard was most approved of by 28%. The rest of the support was largely evenly split among Diaz-Twine and Gravel.

Later this week, a town hall for Republican candidate Homeland Security Secretary Larry the Cable Guy. Since he is the only Republican running, he'll get all of the questions and will, by default, win the first Republican debate/forum/town hall.

[VirginiaAaron]

Mike Gravel, Larry the Cable Guy, and Vrindavan Gabbard all need to post their schedules and then we can move to the next phase. I'm also taking interviews now. PM me if you want an interview, I'll send questions and I can post it in the next press update.

[VirginiaAaron]

Interview with Sandra Diaz-Twine

Anderson Cooper: Hello, I'm Anderson Cooper, we've got a special guest with tonight with us, presidential candidate Sandra Diaz-Twine. Secretary Twine, it's a pleasure.

Sandra Diaz-Twine: Hola Anderson.

AC: Let's get right to it. Recently you’ve said that you’re gonna establish a monarchy. How do you plan to do this? Will Congress be involved or will it be done via Executive Order?

SDT: I will make myself Queen when I am president. I don’t need Congress. In fact, we’re going to abolish it. I will never leave office, even after I’m dead. Queen stays Queen, adios.

AC: You’ve emphasized your times on Survivor as experience for the presidency. How does Survivor translate into experience for the White House?

SDT: Because it does. Here’s why, I beat Russell, I beat Rob, I beat everyone else, and that’s why I’m the Queen.

AC: You’ve been endorsed by fellow former Survivor contestants Rob Mariano and Debbie Wanner. If elected, will they have roles in your administration?

SDT: They will have roles in my monarchy. Also, Debbie is going to be the Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. How about no roles except for me and Debbie? Debbie will be the Vice Queen. We’ll also be abolishing the Department of Labor.

AC: If you could say one thing to the American people right now, what would it be?

SDT: I’m the Queen. You will vote for me.

AC: Thank you, Madam Secretary. Always a pleasure.

[KaiserDave]

Vrindavan Gabbard Schedule



Vrindavan Gabbard will be traveling the United States with an emphasis on Cedar Rapids Iowa and Florida Man, Florida promoting her message of nationalizing the marijuana industry and will make sure Bashar and Vladimir are deploying their barrel bombs and poisons respectively against the volunteers of her opponents.

[OBD]

REPORT: Biden campaign takes action against Gabbard menace
Deeply alarmed by reports of attacks on Biden volunteers orchestrated by foriegn forces, the Biden campaign, in conjunction with it's Burisma-sponsored 'muscle wing' has taken action. Today, the Biden campaign announced that it was adding 6,666 Ukranian strongmen to its payroll for the purposes of guarding campaign volunteers as well as miscellaneous 'intimidation'. Additionally, ballot storage warehouses were moved to secret, secure locations in heavilly wooded areas, and Biden operatives armed with Ukranian chemical weapons now guard these facillities. Biden himself has requested Secret Service protection, though until he gets it he'll have a special security detail anyway.