Beto Late Than Never

[Boobs]

2019 Election Results

Kentucky

Kelly Knight Craft / James Comer (R) - 57.4%
Andy Beshear / Jacqueline Coleman (D) - 40.1%

Republicans pick up Attorney General, Secretary of State
Democrats pick up Treasurer, Auditor, and Agriculture Commissioner

Louisiana

John Bel Edwards (D) - 50.2%
Ralph Abraham (R) - 42.0%
Eddie Risponse (R) - 6.9%

State Senate
Republicans - 24 (-1)
Democrats - 15 (+1)
Democrats flipped Districts 8 and 27. Republicans flipped District 28.

State House
Republicans - 66 (+4)
Democrats - 39 (-)
Republicans flipped Districts 22, 28, 30, 32, 38, 54, 55 and 75.
Democrats flipped Districts 68, 70, 92, and 105. Remaining Independents ran as Democrats.


Mississippi

Tate Reeves (R) - 51.1%
Jim Hood (D) - 48.9%

Republicans pick up Attorney General.

Virginia

State Senate
Democrats - 26 (+7)
Republicans - 14 (-7)
Democrats flipped Districts 7, 10, 11, 12, 13, 17, 28.

House of Delegates
Democrats - 59 (+10)
Republicans - 41 (-10)
Democrats flipped District 26, 27, 28, 40, 76, 83, 84, 91, 94, 96, and 100.
Republicans flipped District 85.

[Cold War Liberal]

RIP Betsy DeVos

[America Needs R'hllor]

Begich is gaining steam!

[Continential]

I have the feeling that BERNIE rigged the 2019 elections.

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

Congratulations maggie! AAlso i knew it with Missisispe. Anyway, hope stormy is doing well

[lfromnj]

WHY BLACK FACE SCANDAL NO CAUSE BIG REPUBLICAN VICTORY IN VIRGINIA?

Also serious question. Why did you forget NJ and NC 9th?

[Boobs]

Iowa Caucus, 2020 – Part 1

7:01 PM Central Time
Dean Heller: Welcome to NBC-Politico's coverage of the Iowa Caucus. I'm notorious playboy and Pulitzer-aspiring journalist Dean Heller. The caucus has the potential to make or break many of the presidential hopefuls this election, and with 31 candidates vying for the Democratic nomination, this evening will surely be one to watch. Joining me this evening is former perennial candidate and now-State Senator, the strikingly beautiful Mariannette Miller-Meeks. Mariannette, you've recently endorsed the candidacy of Angie Walls-Windhauser against sitting President Trump. What's up, Mariannette?

Mariannette Miller-Meeks: Thank you Deanie Bear. It's a wild situation on the ground here in Iowa. Thousands of people are flocking for the opportunity to stand in a middle school gymnasium for three hours while some college students yell at you.

Dean: Who are going to be the big winners tonight, Mariannette? You look ravishing tonight, by the way.

Mariannette: I believe that populism will play a big role in this election. Jon Tester's last-minute Hart Endorsement should propel him to be a front runner. Other populist candidates like Tim Ryan, Sherrod Brown, and Howard Schultz should do great, as well as people that have nothing going for them other than the Midwestern area they represent, like Amy Klobuchar and Pete Butt Egg Guy and Tim Ryan again and also some guy apparently named "Garfield Petey" is from Michigan so you can count him too.

Dean: Thank you Mariannette. May I say that scarf looks great? But I also think it would look better on the floor of my room in the Ames Radisson. How about the Republican side?

Mariannette: I will admit I am slightly biased, but if Trump – being the man who invented populism, which accounts for 64% of Iowa's GDP – gets less than 80% of the vote, it would be a moral victory for Angie.

Dean: Fascinating. You look really cold right now, Mariannette – it's winter after all – so wouldn't you like to warm up in my arms? So when should we get a clearer picture of what's going on in the caucus?

Marianette: By 9 or so, we should start getting some results from parts of the state.

Dean: Thank you – is it just me or do my pants feels funny all the sudden? What are candidates aiming for here?

Marianette: They're aiming for 15% in a congressional district – that's the threshold to get any votes. And 15% statewide is a notable goal as well.

Dean: AhAAah – so so sorry I have to run to the bathroom. [muffled, from a distance] Somebody get me some tissues!

[Cold War Liberal]

Yeet

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

Yeet

[Cold War Liberal]

Yeet

[Nyssus]

Yeet

[Boobs]

Iowa Caucus, 2020 – Part 2

7:24 PM Central Time: Reports of chair-throwing at caucus in Bedford, Taylor County. Local police say suspects still at large.

7:43 PM: Waukee police rescue Pete Buttigieg, who was locked inside a diner after going to the bathroom during a rally earlier during the day.

7:47 PM: Tester campaign fined $1000 for campaigning within 500 feet of a caucus site, forced to disassemble "Free Flattop" stand.

7:58 PM: Julia Townsbury of Waterloo soils herself at caucus in local middle school. Gym evacuated.

8:02 PM: Russian-speaking caucus-goer detained in Muscatine.

8:11 PM: Fight breaks out between Daniels and Booker supporters at Newton caucus. Police arrest 37.

8:30 PM: Julia Townsbury of Waterloo sustains second-degree burns after grabbing hotdish at the alternate caucus location. Taken to local clinic.

8:48 PM: Unidentified (white, late 50s-early 60s, brown hair, glasses) man claiming to be a senator and presidential candidate arrested at Des Moines television station for trespassing.

8:53 PM: Fire started in gym at Massena caucus.

8:55 PM: Fire extinguished at Massena caucus.

9:01 PM: Numerous reports of caucus-goers complaining about "wrapping this up, need to get the kids to sleep, it's bedtime."

9:08 PM: The rawest form of American democracy at work, folks.

9:24 PM: Bedford police detain 78 people on suspicion of chair-throwing.

9:26 PM: Dean Heller requests replacement room key at Ames Radisson, claiming he lost his original one.

9:29 PM: Hassan campaign intern hospitalized after collapsing from excitement.

9:30 PM: Thousands of political nerds online begin their constant refresh of the Des Moines Register's caucus results tracker.

[Continential]

I wonder what the mess in every other state will be.

[Boobs]

Iowa Caucus, 2020 – Part 3

9:34 PM Central Time
Dean Heller: We are about to start receiving some results for the 2020 Iowa Caucus. With me right now is the KKK's Sexiest Man of the Year, Congressman Steve King. Congressman, I must say you look like a delectable little morsel tonight.

Steve King: Thank you for having me, Dean. I've had a lot of lonely nights here in Washington ever since you lost your race, your white race, to Ethel Rosenberg.

Dean: Charming as always, Steve. Who's looking to be in good shape right now?

Steve: The Gabbard campaign is announcing that thousands of their supporters were kidnapped by Debbie Wasserman Schultz in her 2007 Honda Odyssey. I think otherwise she would be running away with the nomination. Do you remember the time we stole Debbie's keys and spent our lunch break in her car eating each other's ass...paragus and salmon salads?

Dean: Oh, I remember. I dream of that day every night.

Steve: The other campaigns you should expect to do very well is–

Dean: I hate to cut you off Steve but we have results coming in from Clinton County and–

Steve: Is it from the caucus in Benghazi or Whitewater townships?

Dean: Uh. Well here are the top five finishers so far. Remember they need to get at least 15% to earn any delegates.

Fay Hartog-Levin - 23.0%
Chelsea Clinton - 18.1%
Pete Buttigieg - 16.2%
Aftab Pureval - 15.0%
Mark Begich - 11.3%

This is a complete surprise – populists like Tester, Schultz, and Brown are nowhere to be seen and only Midwestern identity politics favorite Buttigieg is gaining any traction. Instead it seems like Iowa voters are going for the progressive options like Clinton, Hartog-Levin, and Begich. It will definitely be a night to watch.


10:17 PM

Dean:It's been over forty-five minutes since the closing of the Iowa Caucus and we are getting a clearer picture of what's coming.

CD-01	CD-02	CD-03	CD-04
Daniels - 22.4% Begich - 13.3% O'Rourke - 12.9% Landrieu - 7.0% Buttigieg - 6.9%	Hartog-Levin - 19.3% Begich - 17.8% Buttigieg - 15.2% Daniels - 11.3% Clinton - 10.9%	Titus - 38.1% Begich - 11.8% O'Rourke - 9.3% Tester - 5.25% Hartog-Levin - 3.9%	Gabbard - 16.1% Hartog-Levin 16.0% Begich - 15.3% Clinton - 9.2% Beebe - 7.2%

In the Republican caucus, President Trump is currently smashing Angie Walls-Windhauser 83.4%-16.6% and is poised to take all delegates. This is a crushing blow to the anti-Trump camp in the Republican Party.

The Democratic caucus appears to show Hartog-Levin, Buttigieg, Begich, and Daniels as strong contenders, with Titus and Gabbard also winning several delegates. However, results are no where near to being final. We're in for a long night - I wish I had someone to spend it with.

[KaiserDave]

Rigged against Begich, next please

[Continential]

Rigged against Clinton, next please

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

Yeet

[Cold War Liberal]

Yeet

[Continential]

Yeet

[Boobs]

Iowa Caucus, 2020 – Part 4: Final Results


Final Results
Statewide
Mark Begich - 23.50%
Stormy Daniels - 15.04%
Beto O'Rourke - 13.16%
Fay Hartog-Levin - 10.35%
Chelsea Clinton - 6.14%
Dina Titus - 6.06%
Jon Tester - 3.48%
Mary Landrieu - 3.32%
Mike Beebe - 2.59%
Caroline Kennedy - 1.87%
Michael Bennet - 1.78%
Pete Buttigieg - 1.76%
John Kerry - 1.67%
Tulsi Gabbard - 1.32%
Cory Booker - 1.22%
Aftab Pureval - 1.05%
Amy Klobuchar - 1.00%
Kamala Harris - 0.96%
Sherrod Brown - 0.82%
Marianne Williamson - 0.70%
Julian Castro - 0.56%
Elizabeth Warren - 0.43%
Jay Inslee - 0.34%
Bob Casey - 0.30%
Maggie Hassan - 0.29%
Tim Ryan - 0.10%
Kirsten Gillibrand - 0.09%
Michael Bloomberg - 0.05%
Howard Schultz - 0.02%
Eric Swalwell - 0.02%
Gary Peters - 0.01%

This means that of the 9 at-large delegates, Begich receives 5 and Daniels 4. Begich also wins all 5 PLEO statewide delegates.

Top Ten Performances by District:

IA-01	IA-02	IA-03	IA-04
Begich - 34.50% Daniels - 17.23% O'Rourke - 8.23% Hartog-Levin - 4.01% Clinton - 3.43% Kennedy - 3.41% Bennet - 3.41% Landrieu - 3.11% Kerry - 3.10% Buttigieg - 2.57%	Begich -20.89% Hartog-Levin - 18.32% Daniels - 16.39% Clinton - 15.21% O'Rourke - 11.03% Buttigieg - 4.05% Tester - 2.39% Landrieu - 2.03% Booker - 1.03% Pureval - 1.02%	O'Rourke - 25.41% Begich - 21.28% Titus - 15.93% Daniels - 9.33% Hartog-Levin - 3.90% Landrieu - 3.35% Tester - 3.21% Kennedy - 2.48% Clinton - 2.30% Bennet - 1.93%	Daniels - 19.20% Hartog-Levin - 18.39% Begich - 15.30% Beebe - 8.01% Tester - 7.49% Gabbard - 6.90% Landrieu - 5.39% Titus - 4.39% O'Rourke - 3.44% Clinton - 3.40%

Delegate Distribution:

IA-01	IA-02	IA-03	IA-04
Begich - 5 Daniels - 2	Begich - 2 Hartog-Levin - 2 Daniels - 2 Clinton - 1	O'Rourke - 3 Begich - 3 Titus - 2	Daniels - 2 Hartog-Levin - 2 Begich - 1

Total Delegates

Mark Begich	21
Stormy Daniels	9
Fay Hartog-Levin	4
Beto O'Rourke	3
Dina Titus	2
Chelsea Clinton	1

Selected Candidate Reactions


"Horrible. Just horrible."


"Me and my wife are so happy and thankful for the people of Iowa. Onward to New Hampshire, and then the White House!"


"Everyone saw how pathetic Hassan did? I got over 30 times as many votes. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic!"


"I am suspending my campaign, and endorsing Fay Hartog-Levin. We MUST have a woman in the White House."


"Tonight we prove the doubters wrong! They said we would be lucky if we got 1% in Iowa. Guess what? We got 1.05%!"


"Like I said, I will not be suspending my campaign. When I announced, I said I was in it to win it. And I'm still in it. To win it."

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

Fraud!!! Stormy must have won!

[KaiserDave]

HAIL BEGICH! YES!

[adamevans]

throwing up to the idea of Steve King and Dean Heller getting it off

[Cold War Liberal]

throwing up to the idea of Steve King and Dean Heller getting it off

Dean Heller: Unbeatable Titan in the streets, nazi ass eater in the sheets

[Boobs]

throwing up to the idea of Steve King and Dean Heller getting it off

Two dudes can’t eat salad together?