Update for Everyone VII: Insert Something Philosophical Sounding Here

[afleitch]

Today I learned that my direct paternal ancestor Sir Willielmus de Leca was the actual Sheriff of Nottingham during the reign of King John.

[afleitch]

I came out as a socialist.

[afleitch]

I came out as a socialist.

Given that PM score you got there, seems that closet still has some armor.

Oh I've not updated that in years. Probably should.

Edit:

Economic score: -7.1
Social score: -8.00

Whoo.

[afleitch]

Cadbury's have combined Bourneville and Dairy Milk into one bar, which I've thought was an amazing idea for years. I may have been wrong.

[afleitch]

In other news, I'm trying to accept that I will never be happy. I'll never be able to be seen as a woman or even someone who wants to be a woman. I'll always be seen as nothing more than a perverted man who jacks off to the deterioration of his junk instead of something normal, like wearing a dress. It's bad enough that the only way I can continue my life without everybody seeing I'm really a man (I wish I weren't, but unlike other trans people I'm not valid) is to get a metric sh**t-ton of plastic surgery and move to a town where nobody knows who I was, and even then, I'd still feel like a fake. I've spent seventeen years hiding this aspect of me, do I really want to hide it for another sixty to seventy more?

Is happiness even possible? If so, why am I not happy? I have everything anybody could want in life. My family is accepting of who I am, I'm on hormone replacement therapy, my grades aren't in the sh**tter, there's practically nothing in my life that could make me feel the way I do. Except maybe the possibility that I made up my whole transgender thing for attention. But the idea that I'm not really trans scares the sh**t out of me. When I think of the idea of spending my life as a man, I want to kill myself because it just seems so impossible to enjoy. But when I think of the idea of spending my life as a woman, I want to kill myself because it's impossible for me to achieve. Do I really expect anyone to look at me, someone who is so obviously a cis man who's ruining it for actual trans people (For God's sake, I can't even wear a dress without sweating out of it!), and see a woman? Do I expect anyone (especially anyone attracted to women) to be attracted to me when I look and think the way I do?

Maybe the world would be better off without me. Too bad I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. Maybe once I'm forced to overcompensate for my physical masculinity by wearing overly femme clothes that I'm not comfortable in, someone will finally see me as the threat to the world that I really am and kill me. At this point, I'd probably let them. Too bad the deed will be done under false pretenses: My eventual killer won't think I'm a threat because I'm generally unpleasant and should have just remained that sad guy in the hoodie who only talks to get mad at people who don't hate him because her "authentic self", whatever the hell that means, is just a genuinely sh**tty person. No, the reasons I'll be killed isn't because I'm an asshole, but because I'm a tranny. I don't want to be a statistic, but from an objective point of view, I'm probably not going to be alive ten years from now. If I haven't killed myself by that point, someone else will have. My pipe dream of being part of a cute lesbian couple is exactly that: a pipe dream. I'm the only "woman" (as if anybody actually thinks of me as a woman. Give me a ing break) whose standards are low enough to include me.

Before I drift even further into insanity, I'm going to leave you with this:
What I want to think I look like vs. what I actually look like


EDIT: Images didn't fit.

PM me

[afleitch]

I'm attending a royal garden party :/

[afleitch]

I'm attending a royal garden party :/

I'm interested in hearing the "greatest hits" (so to speak) of how it goes.

I'm worried about bowing. I have sciatica

[afleitch]

Watch 'Years and Years' when it comes on in the US; I beg you.

[afleitch]

my dudes what kind of headache is it when it's like, above and behind your eyes making ur eyes feel like they're gonna explode out ur head.

it's interfering with my work and sudafed is helping it a bit but not enough. I thought it was a cold at first but all the other symptoms went away and now it's just this headache ugh. Even being on my phone hurts.

Migraine.

[afleitch]

Watched the first episode of His Dark Materials.

Waited nearly 20 years for this!

[afleitch]

I bought a house today.

[afleitch]

Just seen Jojo Rabbit. Still affected by it after a few hours; amazing film.

[afleitch]

Should hopefully be in our new home by March Good deal on the mortgage but a little gutted to become a bourgeois property owner.

[afleitch]

I hate how cute and funny and stuff my obviously straight best friend is. Why must he mock me?

Straight boy crushes are just one of those things that happen

[afleitch]

Straight boy crushes are just one of those things that happen

Can confirm. But it could be worse - they could kiss you, grope you, and sing a love song to you as a hilarious joke. PM me if you want the full and saddest story ever.

PM me if you need to talk about it.

[afleitch]

You ever just start crying because you realize you're most certainly gonna die alone because you're too afraid of rejection to start a conversation with someone?

How old are you? Good-faith question; it's possible I've been there.

18. I know it's unreasonable to jump to conclusions when I'm still so young, but...

Trust me. The dread of having to lose and bury your husband or him you is equally as soul destroying. Don't ever be frightned of rejection. Be frightened of never reaching out and missing the opportunity even if the opportunity ends in either joy or pain.

[afleitch]

Here is my new living room. 95% of the way complete.

[afleitch]

I'm growing a mustache.

You may now return to your daily lives.

[afleitch]

I'd recommend people watch Circus of Books on Netflix. It's the intersection of family, commerce, porn and gay community. If you're a [/prude], I'd especially reccomend it; it's a story you need to hear.

[afleitch]

I feel like I have become much more right-wing in terms of rhetoric and attitudes (even if my actual issue positions have not changed) since the coronavirus started due to my anger at the idea of mass quarantines (which I opposed long before it was somewhat mainstream to do so).  It's as if my moderation in tone over the last few years has been completely undone by the two months of this.

In the event of a zombie apocalypse you'd be demanding to go outside and see if you can defeat them in the marketplace of ideas.

[afleitch]

A very close family member tested positive for COVID-19. I'm a pleased to say they have now recovered.

[afleitch]

Medicaid won't cover my TMS.  I had my psychologist make an appeal and she was turned down, so my psychiatrist is writing a letter that will be ready Tuesday.

If this doesn't work, this might be my time to go.  I refuse to go through 60+ years of endless suffering and pain whenever I am conscious.

No matter what happens, I love (most of) you guys and the community this forum has brought to me.  Many of you have been very supportive of me throughout all of this.

But I don't want to be in pain anymore.  We (rightly) put suffering animals out of their misery.  It is egregious that we don't afford the same option to humans that are suffering.

For the last few years my original plan has been to off myself after my mother passes, so that she wouldn't have to bury her only child.  I know that even if I do that I will probably be leaving a lot of people behind.  And I live with the guilt of that every day.  There are no good options here.  But I have to do something to end the pain.  Talk therapy is no longer working and I will probably be dropping my psychologist next week.  All the pills no longer help either.

If my psychiatrist's appeal fails, that will be my signal to go.

I'm sorry.

There are signals to stay. People you know. People you have yet to know. Please keep talking to your psychologist.

[afleitch]

In the interest of making sure I'm not broke in a few years, I've decided to start paying back student loan debt. The question: should I wait until after the election to see if the Dems move forward on SL forgiveness before I drop a metric ton of cash, trying to pay everything off ASAP?

It would probably be cheaper to get citizenship elsewhere.

[afleitch]

Mild health scare these past few weeks. All is well.

However, to the 99% of Forumers who have balls, familiarise yourself with them and visit your doctor if anything changes or doesn't feel right.

[afleitch]

I'm doing this again: