Update for Everyone VII: Insert Something Philosophical Sounding Here

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

"¡Gracias Kanye, muy chido!"
- me, in Spanish class today

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Dislocated my knee today for the first time in 4½ months.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Oh boy, I'm gonna have to go to school with a brace and one crutch tomorrow, and limp myself across the largest HS in my county! Yippee!

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Oh boy, I'm gonna have to go to school with a brace and one crutch tomorrow, and limp myself across the largest HS in my county! Yippee!

what happened?

I dislocated my knee a week ago.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

I dislocated my knee a week ago.

What you really need is a little Jeb Healing:

Thank you Virginia, very cool!

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

According to this one dude at my HS, this one gal posted a picture of me in class on Snapchat with the statement of something like "this dude thinks he's cute and knows everything," obviously negatively. But the funny thing is that's probably the complete opposite of the truth. I've hated my body and looks and how they contrast with me as a person, even with gender dysphoria and constant disgust of myself. Oh, and "he thinks he knows everything?" Bullsh**t. I probably think I'm dumber than I am. I know trivial sh**t, like what the capital of the Democratic Republic of the Congo is, but I couldn't tell you for the life of me anything of actual importance. So yeah, oof.

Now, a normal person would just not care, but lil' ol' pansy Koopa decided to silently tear at myself for a body that I couldn't choose, as well as continue my normal ritual of hating myself for no real reason. Why is it that whenever I go through low self-esteem, and try to fix it by liking myself a little, I feel disgusted at liking myself, and go through low self-esteem all over again? Sigh, I don't like having to go through 4 years straight of depression, even though it gets dismissed as "not really depressed" and "too young to go through this." I guess several suicide attempts in the past didn't raise any flags.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Oh boy, I'm in a shorter brace that really only covers the knee. Also, I can kick now, and sitting down is a little less awkward, especially in school desks. When winter break starts, I'll probably ditch my crutch. So woohoo, a little more freedom!

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

My senator has been the president pro-tempore for 3 (4 in 39 minutes) days and I just realized that now. I mean, I knew before he was sworn in, but I completely forgot.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Got a 2 hour delay today!

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

My mind has been so ed for the past year now. I always beat myself up for no reason, but I just genuinely think there's no way I could actually do it. I'm an ugly boy, and that's just something I need to admit to myself. I can't do it. I'm not a girl. There's no way I could fit in. I just can't imagine a way in which I'm not a disgusting freak show. I need to stop lying to myself. I can't be a girl. It's something I need to admit to myself before I ruin myself. I'll never be valid. I'll never love myself. I'll never be happy.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

So...I came out to a teacher at school today about how I'm questioning my identity.

Needless to say, he was pretty freaking supportive. I consider it a big success, not gonna lie.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

So apparently, the TV in my living room has an internet browser built in, and Atlas actually works! I'm posting this off of it right now. I actually got a USB mouse and keyboard plugged in as typing with a remote is a chore, but as I kept typing, it kept reloading the page, so I decided to give both of my hands a long and gruesome workout.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

So guys, we did it! We reached a quarter of four thousand posts. 1,000 posts and still growing. The fact that we've reached this number in such a long amount of time is just phenomenal, I'm-I'm just amazed. Thank you all so much for supporting this account and helping it grow. I-I love you guys...you guys are just awesome. I swear, if nobody else gets this reference, and I waste my 1,000^th post for nothing, I'm just gonna leave this garbage forum and never come back.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

To be honest, right now, for the first time in forever, I truly think that I might be alright. That maybe my life isn't screwed. That I might have a future. I might be happy one day.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

You know, we're only a third of the way in, but I can say with full confidence that 2019 has probably been the most important year of my life, and it's introduced me to seeing life in a different way than I've seen it before. Specifically, it's been important when it comes to my self-image, my mental & emotional health, and how I feel about myself and the world.

I guess example numero uno of how 2019 has effected me so far is identity. Elephant in the room coming through. This is the first year of my life when I actually take my identity seriously. I'm still trying to come to terms with it all. By that, I mean I'm in full ing panic mode 24/7 and feel great shame in it all. I feel like an intruder in the trans community. I know I'm not. But it certainly feels as though I don't belong. That I'm not welcome. Like I'm not like them, or that I'm not trans enough to classify myself in the same boat as these people. Oh, and it doesn't help how I feel great shame in my actions towards treating my identity last year, and how I was being stubborn. That, and I was being a dick to a certain particular user about it, (*cough cough* Skunk *cough cough*) and I feel as though while her pressuring to make sure I should accept myself this way was a tad uncalled for, she certainly would've been easier on me had I not been an annoying POS.

Speaking of me being an annoying POS, my self-deprecating personality has grown rapidly these past four months. I don't know if you've read my post history as of recent, but if you haven't it's pretty much 50% shootposting, and 50% "oh my god I'm such a vile and horrible person who needs to die," you know, that kind of filth. Must I say, I definitely do not love myself. Or even like myself, for that matter. It's a strong burning hate towards my body, my academic performance, my work ethic, my mental health, my identity, my personality, etc. I often spend my nights just sitting there on my bed, fan on, crying, checking Discord every now and then, wondering how the hell I let my life get to this point. Misery and woe are two little demons I am far too familiar with. I have a strong and firm belief that it will not get better. That I am doomed to be a failure, as well as a waste of oxygen who should just leave her world and never come back. The stresses of high school, a dysfunctional family, teenage life in general, health concerns, identity, and a myriad of other pains leave me with no room to be happy.

But to be honest, what even does make me happy? Perhaps I need to come home. Not physically come home. I mean come to a state in my mind where I am at ease. Where I know it will be okay. Where I can be held in someone's arms, them brushing against my hair, telling me that it's all going to come out right. I need to feel like I can be happy. When I was a little turtle, what did I want out of life? I badly wanted to be free. I wanted to do many things that I am now able to do. Walk outside, buy stuff from vending machines, wear hoodies and t-shirts, live a casual and carefree existence. Well, I do at least have the freedoms of the average teenager. I do know some trivial stuff. I do have friends. I talk with people online. I play video games. So please, help answer my million dollar question:

Why aren't I happy right now?

Well, I guess the stresses of life do outweigh the carefree parts of life. Y'know, the feelings of watching a sunset on the beach. Listening to a slow song. Getting hugged, Knowing you're being loved. Doing things you enjoy. It does seem hard to get any joys out of life. But I guess there are times, very rare times, when euphoria does come. When happiness does arrive. When you feel like life is all just gonna be okay. The feeling of how life twists and turns, it all comes 'round right. As I sit here, bawling tears comparable to waterfalls, having trouble typing out these very words, I wish those moments of euphoria actually lasted. I wish life was easy. I wish it can all be okay. While I have embraced the fact that it won't be okay, and that I will probably never live a life of consistent happiness, those few very rare moments of tranquility give a certain mood that words could never justify, and they make life actually seem worth living. It's hard to convince myself that life will go smoothly eventually. I might not be able to do it. But who knows? Maybe it will happen. Maybe life will be at ease.

Maybe, for once in my life, I will truly feel complete.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Yesterday, I was at choir practice at school, and we have been practicing the same two songs every day for the past month or so, because we're going to be performing in front of some judges in a high school in Cedar Falls this Saturday. We're doing In Flanders Fields and an American Folk Rhapsody of three folk songs. The second song in the rhapsody is a slow song called Simple Gifts. I've had no trouble performing this song so far. But I payed some more attention to the words yesterday, and some lines really hit me:

To be simple
Is a fine gift
To be simple, and to be free
To be happy, to be simple
Is where you ought to be

I actually shedded a couple tears of sadness, because I'm neither simple, nor free, nor happy. Luckily, nobody noticed. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Yesterday, I was at choir practice at school, and we have been practicing the same two songs every day for the past month or so, because we're going to be performing in front of some judges in a high school in Cedar Falls this Saturday. We're doing In Flanders Fields and an American Folk Rhapsody of three folk songs. The second song in the rhapsody is a slow song called Simple Gifts. I've had no trouble performing this song so far. But I payed some more attention to the words yesterday, and some lines really hit me:

To be simple
Is a fine gift
To be simple, and to be free
To be happy, to be simple
Is where you ought to be

I actually shedded a couple tears of sadness, because I'm neither simple, nor free, nor happy. Luckily, nobody noticed. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I'm so sorry that Simple Gifts brought you sadness, but I am glad you mentioned it. Simple Gifts makes up the main melody of Copeland's Appalachian Spring. I had the fortune of hearing it performed under the composer's conducting, and my reaction is positive. It is even more so today as I am driving through the NY Appalachians.

It is a beautiful song. I mean, just hearing the song or even singing it it alright. But I guess actually paying attention to what I was saying with the context of the state of my life made me bawl up. We actually weren't going to sing the rhapsody originally. The people running this all-state competition (the Iowa High School Music Association) has a list of songs that we could choose from to perform, and my choir director originally chose Down In The Valley. However, I'm kind of happy that we didn't do it. Not because I hate it, if anything, I adore the piece to death, but that song is just so saddening to me, but at the same time, it makes me feel alright. I like listening to that song and pretending a bunch of people are surrounding me trying to comfort my sorrowful self. It just brings an avalanche of emotions rushing rapidly through my heart, and I don't think I could handle performing that on stage while trying to appear normal.

But Simple Gifts is a sweet song, and the message it has, especially in the verse I quoted, brings a powerful message. It's just so powerful that it touched my heart in such a way that I just couldn't help but cry. I wish I was simple, happy, free, etc. Life is a b!tch, but who knows, in the end, maybe it'll come round right.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Don't you just love it when you work very hard on a presentation for school about Dave Thomas, and you get excited to present, but half the class doesn't even pay attention?

It's weird. One dude did a presentation on Elon Musk, but 90% of it was just us watching some dumb YouTube video he found about him. Meanwhile, when I present my presentation (by the way, school presentations are the only thing in life that I'm good at, and one of the very few things I pride myself on) to the class, nobody even cares. I know it's not really that big, but it feels bad when nobody cares about the only thing in life that I'm good at.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

[i know i left, this is just me poppin in real quick cuz i want to say this]

Okay, so today is my last day. In my final class of the year, I have to write a letter to the teacher about how I've changed over the school year. Soooooooooo...I came out. I did it. In a school assignment.

I have changed a lot as a student from the beginning of the school year to the end. I believe that the time that this school year was in, especially the second semester, changed my outlook on life. Not necessarily academically, but more so generally, my life is now very different than it once was. 2019 in general has personally been one of the most important and revealing years of my life, if not the most. At the beginning of the semester, I was lonely, confused, afraid, and worried. But granted, while I still feel a little bit that way to an extent that way as of now, I can definitely say I am at least a little bit better. I have met some fantastic people, both inside and outside of West, who are amazing to talk to, and have been really kind in helping me find myself and all that. I owe all of them a large amount of respect for how they have expressed love, kindness, friendliness, and even a little humour now and then. I have also made a recent discovery in my life. I am still keeping it secret, and it’s hard to come out about it, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I am in fact transgender. To be honest, it’s hard to say, but I am comfortable saying that since I probably won’t see you again, and I trust you enough to not tell anyone. It’s been hard for me to accept, and it’s still hard to wrap my head around the concept of it all, plus a fear that I might not be accepted, but with the help of some really close friends, and amazing therapist named Autumn, as well as an attempt I am in the process of improving my mental health and self-esteem. Deep down, I’ve honestly come to accept that while I still have many, many fears of life, most of which I refuse to talk about to anyone, but I have started to accept that it’s all gonna be okay.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

atlas' resident monster is having her birthday today, i guess

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

And yes, that is a Canadian French keyboard - the best keyboard there is.

As someone who types in French once in a blue moon, Canadian French keyboards > European French keyboards. Although part of that is because the AZERTY layout is too foreign for me.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

So guys, we did it! We reached a quarter of four six thousand posts. 1,000 1,500 posts and still growing. The fact that we've reached this number in such a long amount of time is just phenomenal, I'm-I'm just amazed. Thank you all so much for supporting this account and helping it grow. I-I love you guys...you guys are just awesome.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

1500 is a sixth of 9000, not a fourth.

Do you really expect me of all people to have enough brain cells to do math properly?

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

I love you all.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Went to a Bernie rally last week and got to see the comrade himself speak.