The Kalwejt Foundation for the Promotion of Atlas Hilarity

[The Dowager Mod]

Was going to post Yellowhammer's farewell thread but he yanked it already.

Nah, I deleted it, I didn't appreciate him calling everyone an idiot on his way out.

[DINGO Joe]

Was going to post Yellowhammer's farewell thread but he yanked it already.

Nah, I deleted it, I didn't appreciate him calling everyone an idiot on his way out.

While it wasn't exactly the "Lovesong of J. Alfred Yellowhammer" blaming Atlas for stealing his youth and vigor was pretty hilarious.

[The world will shine with light in our nightmare]

Was going to post Yellowhammer's farewell thread but he yanked it already.

Nah, I deleted it, I didn't appreciate him calling everyone an idiot on his way out.

While it wasn't exactly the "Lovesong of J. Alfred Yellowhammer" blaming Atlas for stealing his youth and vigor was pretty hilarious.

Wtf.

Anyone save the OP so they can PM it to me?

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Was going to post Yellowhammer's farewell thread but he yanked it already.

Nah, I deleted it, I didn't appreciate him calling everyone an idiot on his way out.

While it wasn't exactly the "Lovesong of J. Alfred Yellowhammer" blaming Atlas for stealing his youth and vigor was pretty hilarious.

Wtf.

Anyone save the OP so they can PM it to me?

Same.

[Hindsight was 2020]

Was going to post Yellowhammer's farewell thread but he yanked it already.

Nah, I deleted it, I didn't appreciate him calling everyone an idiot on his way out.

While it wasn't exactly the "Lovesong of J. Alfred Yellowhammer" blaming Atlas for stealing his youth and vigor was pretty hilarious.

Wtf.

Anyone save the OP so they can PM it to me?

Same please I need to read that 😂

[Atlas Has Shrugged]

I like Yellowhammer but my curiosity is peeked.

[Alcibiades]

Was going to post Yellowhammer's farewell thread but he yanked it already.

Nah, I deleted it, I didn't appreciate him calling everyone an idiot on his way out.

While it wasn't exactly the "Lovesong of J. Alfred Yellowhammer" blaming Atlas for stealing his youth and vigor was pretty hilarious.

Wtf.

Anyone save the OP so they can PM it to me?

I didn’t save it, but I managed to read it before it was nixed. Essentially said most posters on here were imbeciles (pretty sure the word “cesspool” was used), before saying that said posters on Atlas had stolen his valuable time.

[VAR]

Q: Is Young Kim actually homophobic?

Well, gosh, I hope she is. I mean, I wrote a detailed, multi-page letter to the DCCC in which I explained how the perfect strategy for them in 2022 is to focus heavily on Young Kim’s homophobia above all else. I even cc’d the DSCC and told them that Abby Finkenauer, Jason Kander, Jim Gray, and Tim Ryan could easily win Senate races in those states if they hold multiple rallies in which they scream “Young Kim is a homophobe!” Since, after all, hundreds of thousands of people who voted Republican up and down the ballot will flock to the Democrats once they hear about this disturbing development. What am I going to tell them if Young Kim isn’t actually homophobic? They’ll probably laugh at me!

[KaiserDave]

lol @ Republicans thinking they will be able to "perform" in this race.

After my Dark out of State Donation of $11 in liberal money to the campaign of America's Reverend, it won't be long until Lolfler and Purdue are forced to dig their own graves at gunpoint by armies of poor rural Georgians, and African Americans alike, fully decked out in all of the latest in Maoist Revolutionary apparel that $11 can buy. Only then will they realize the mistake they made in not allowing their constituents to receive stimulus checks and/or Obamaphones. There will be no ceremony, and the only evidence that there was ever anyone at the site of The Great Purge will be a poster of a solid blue Georgia election map, and a signed copy of "A Promised Land."

Late post but still an amazing post

[Diabolical Materialism]

I just had some hamburger helper that expired seven years ago. I'm already starting to feel a bit gross inside. But I was hungry so it was worth it. That being said, I probably should never do that again.

Regards,
MorganKingsley

Read this like an 18th century love letter.

[Kuumo]

I just had some hamburger helper that expired seven years ago. I'm already starting to feel a bit gross inside. But I was hungry so it was worth it. That being said, I probably should never do that again.

Regards,
MorganKingsley

Read this like an 18th century love letter.

It reminds me of the poem "This Is Just To Say" by William Carlos Williams.

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

[WMS]

An overlooked gem.

Since this iceberg has the size of Rhode Island, it has only 4 electoral votes

[S019]

imo this is the most likely result

53.21 Perdue (R)
46.79 Ossoff (D)

Perdue wins comfortably over Ossoff due to his strength in the Atlanta area, all the Abrams-McBath-Bordux-Biden voters love his soothing ads and his moderate tone. Perdue also narrowly carries Registered Democrats 49-47. However, Perdue is crushed in rural Georgia, due to Populist Bush-McCain-Romney-Trump-Kemp-Trump voters turning out in droves for Ossoff due to his support of 2K stimulus checks.





67.46 Warnock (D)
32.54 Loeffler (R)

Joke Candidate Loeffler is blanched, the race is even called at poll closing times, Warnock carries every demographic group (except Republicans; Warnock’s landslide win is mostly due to Republicans leaving the ballot blank, out of pure disgust at Loeffler lack of Strong Incumbent Energy (SIE), but Loeffler carries Cobb by 17 votes due to Perdue’s coattails.





although warnock is doa in 2022 cuz biden midterm

Exit poll Predictions:

Region:

North: 55-42 Ossoff

Atlanta Suburbs: 89-9 Perdue

Atlanta Metro: 75-25 Perdue

Central: 56-44 Ossoff

South: 59-41 Ossoff


Education:

College graduate: 66-34 Perdue

Non-College Graduate: 58-42 Ossoff

Education by race:

White Voters, College Degree: 70-30 Perdue
White Voters, No College Degree: 65-35 Ossoff
Non- White Voters, College Degree: 55-45 Perdue
Non-White voters, No College Degree: 90-10 Ossoff

Exit polls for Special:

Region:

North: 65-35 Warnock

Atlanta Suburbs: 57-43 Warnock

Atlanta Metro: 85-15 Warnock

Central: 76-24 Warnock

South: 69-31 Warnock


Education:

College graduate: 66-34 Warnock

Non-College Graduate: 58-42 Warnock

Education by race:

White Voters, College Degree: 67-33 Warnock
White Voters, No College Degree: 65-35 Warnock
Non- White Voters, College Degree: 91-9 Warnock
Non-White voters, No College Degree: 90-10 Warnock


just imo of course

One of the best meme posts in a while

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Speaking of meme posts, Blairite truly brought this to a whole another level.
The following made me laugh out loud so much. 11/10

January 2023: The stage is set. A house investigation reveals President Joe Biden is in fact a beta-edition Japanese robot animating a moldering corpse. Vice President Harris successfully invokes the 25th amendment and assumes the presidency. After a wildly successful two weeks, President Harris decides she is #SoOver being president and gives a fiery speech, culminating in the awkwardly phrased declaration: "That little girl who used to not be president. That little girl was me."

With President Harris out of the race for 2024, two frontrunners naturally lead the Democratic field. Los Angeles policy wonk and milquetoast centrist, Blairite, seeks to unite America behind a platform of free trade, open borders, and taco trucks on every corner. Bringing together Obamaworld, Hillaryworld, and Kamalaworld in one establishment candidate, he assembles a crack campaign team of Rahm Emmanuel, Neera Tanden, Maya Harris, and the Lincoln Project Voter for Anthony Brindisi. One sunny January evening in Pershing Square, he declares his bold agenda before five homeless people, two lost tourists, and some strung-out old guy with the courageous vision: "If I'm elected president, the line will go up two-point-eight percent and the world will be more gooder!"

A thousand miles to his north, a different vision for the Democratic Party is unfolding. Laki, a former canvasser for the Republican, Democratic, and Birthday parties decides that his experience in the land of the french fries--Idaho--makes him naturally suited for the Presidency of the United States. Looking to reassemble the Sanders-Kucinich-Jennings Bryan coalition, he brings in Kyle Kuklinski, the Japanese robot reanimation of Mike Gravel, and a guy from Mongolia who illegally donated $2.95 to Sanders' campaign to lead the fight. Rather than lay out a governing agenda, Laki plans to kick off his campaign skydiving into famously leftist Downtown Boise. Unfortunately, he mistimes his leap and lands in the middle of unfriendly territory--the Nampa Adult Shop. Unfazed if slightly brused, he skyrockets to the top of the polls and looks poised to crush Blairite's dreams with a coalition of anti-elitists.

After a series of visious debates (Blairite hits Laki for preferring Trump to Clinton, Laki lands a blow about California elitists), Laki holds a slim but persistent lead over Blairite heading into Iowa. Corn and soy are kinda like potatoes and Blairite talks way too much about argula, after all. Blairite's only hope is to make it through to South Carolina (New Hampshire is a lost cause and Blairite spent way too much time talking about how pointless and ugly Nevada is and how anyone who chooses to live there is dumb.)

As expected, Laki sweeps the Iowa caucus with 69% of the vote. He repeats the performance in New Hampshire and then tops 80% in Nevada. Team Blairite is not feeling good headed into South Carolina. Even with Laki's gaffes about "low information voters", the #populism is unstoppable. Blarite's only hope is to hold through until Super Tuesday when #elitist California and Virginia vote. Then, two hours before the South Carolina primary, the unthinkable happens. Neera rushes to the cockpit of Blairite's blimp as it slowly drifts from Greenville to Spartanburg with incredible news! Laki randomly decided to switch parties for absolutely no reason and run in the Republican primary instead.

The field was clear! Blairite cleared 90% of the vote in South Carolina. He was on track to sweep every primary on through June. Even a late entry by Tulsi Gabbard didn't make a dent in his numbers.

Democratic Primary:


Blairite: 89%
Laki: 9%
Tulsi Gabbard: 2%

But the election wasn't over yet! Laki's late entry into the Republican primary upended everything. Eight years prior, the Republican electorate made one thing clear: it didn't give a sh!t about party loyalty, conservatism, or actual policy proposals. All that mattered was #populism . And now they had the ultimate #populist chad to vote for: the party-switching canvasser from the land of the famous potatoes. Poor Mike Pence couldn't possibly compete. Despite entering the race with less than 85 minutes before polls opened in South Carolina and a last minute Pence endorsement from Nikki Haley, ExtremeConservative, and the Japanese reanimated corpse of Jeff Flake, over 90% of South Carolina Republicans chose Laki to be their nominee. Pence dropped out the very next day and Laki swept the rest of the primaries.

Republican Primary:


Laki: 90%
Mike Pence: 8%
Also Tulsi Gabbard: 2%

America was ready! The general election was set. It was time for the showdown of the century, the #populist vs the #elitist , the race you've all been waiting for: Laki (R-ID) vs Blairite (D-CA). Once again, America was falling in love with #populism . Despite laying out detailed plans to  make the line go up a full two-point-nine percent, Blairite was polling ten points behind Laki through the summer. It was time to shake things up. Rahm thought Blairite lacked authenticity. Something about being from Downtown Los Angeles was off-putting to everyday Americans. It was time for a VP with down-home authenticity. There was only one man for the job. Blairite called up his old friend HillGoose. A couple "Let's Roll"s later and the ticket was ready to go.

Laki was on defense! He needed his own Southerner to rebalance the scales. Only one American was equipped to take the fight to the Facebook comments section and defend Laki's near-hourly policy shifts. Fuzzy was ready for action!

Going into election day, the race had tightened, but the Laki-Fuzzy ticket was still up over Blairite-Goose by eight points. It was even rumored that J. Miles Coleman had "I've seen enough" copied to his clipboard, ready to tweet the moment the clock struck 8:00 p.m. EST. As the blimp descended into Fort Lauderdale for one last rally (bewildering a number of shorebirds) Neera rushed forwards with some exciting news. With three hours until polls closed, Laki had released a public statement:

"I have decided to take an indefinite break from politics. I do not want to be president right now and I may never return to the political arena. Ima get some fries and get off the grid in Cour d'Alene for a few months."

America was in chaos, but that didn't mean it was ready for #elitism . Once all the votes were counted, the electoral map was clear:

2024 General Election

Unpledged Republican Electors (R): 277 electoral votes, 53%
Blairite-Goose (D): 256 electoral votes, 45%
Tulsi Gabbard, once again (I): 0 electoral votes, 2%

Chaos reigned! Despite the best lobbying efforts of Rahm, Neera, and Maya, the unpledged Republican electors were united by one thing: Blairite would not become President of the United States. But they couldn't agree on anything else. Some supported Mike Pence. Some wanted the Japanese to reanimate the corpse of Donald Trump. Some were supporting Laki-Fuzzy anyway. Some backed Tulsi Gabbard. As the day for the electoral college to vote inched closer, nobody knew what to expect. When all was done, the tally stood at:

Blairite-Goose: 256
Pence-Haley: 102
Laki-Fuzzy: 96
Reanimated Trump-Pence: 75
Gabbard-Modi: 4

No candidate reached 270 electoral votes. But the house would decide, surely. As the vote neared, the delegations were at a deadlock. Blairite only had the support of 24. Nonetheless, Pence was stuck at 25. Marjory Taylor-Greene--all by her lonesome--refused to support anyone except Tulsi Gabbard. With Hank Johnson inconveniently contracting a wasting plague, the delegation was tied. 24 delegations, as expected, cast their votes for Blairite. 25 cast their votes for Pence. But Georgia abstained. No candidate had reached the required 26 delegations to assume the presidency.

The House Vote


Pence: 25
Blairite: 24
Abstain: 1

All eyes were now on the senate. They would pick the new vice president who would then assume the presidency. The choice was clear: the next leader of the free world would be HillGoose or FuzzyBear. And it was thought that Fuzzy would have the slight edge. But this is where Blairite's choice to elevate Rahm Emmanuel payed off. For the next week, Rahm made the rounds through Dirksen, Russell, and Hart from office to office. He employed every tool in his arsenal: bullying, belittling, and dancing pirouettes. He was even seen dangling Ron Johnson upside down out of a window! When the senate finally convened, an upset occurred. By a margin of two votes, HillGoose (I-TN) would be the 47th President of the United States.

As inauguration day dawned, Kamala Harris wrote a note to her successor, made final preparations for her post-presidential podcast, and took a motorcade down to the Capitol where she greeted HillGoose warmly. At noon, he was sworn in as president. At one, he ordered a nuclear assault be made against Russia. At two, America was obliterated and democracy had perished from this earth.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Me? Why I have no opinion of Bronz but I have heard some people say “Bronz makes up random quotes and ridiculous hypotheticals all based around cops and racial issues in the NY/NJ region and uses it to bait people into discussing his weird race fixations all the while using said quotes to duck any ownership of his actual views”. I don’t know how to feel about this quote so let’s discuss it here

This deserves here as well.

[VAR]

Well, the reason I predicted those things is because Perdue’s base is Registered Democrats. You’d be surprised. My Uncle, who lives in Marietta, has voted for every Democrat since George McGoven. He’s already sent in his absentee ballot for Perdue, because Perdue is the ONLY Republican he’ll ever vote for. Perdue speaks to these people, he knows them, and they know him. Perdue speaks the language of Lilburn, he sings the song of Sandy Springs, he dances to the beat of Buckhead. There isn’t a single Atlanta suburbanite who wouldn’t love the chance the invite Perude to a barbecue in their Suburban home, or sit down and have a beer with him in the nicest bar in Atlanta. Just watch on 1/5. Atlanta and everywhere in a 30 mile radius will be dark red on the map.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Guess we’ll have to see, my friend.   

Western Dem’s long meme posts are the best, lol.

[Unconditional Surrender Truman]

Je parle un peu de francais, mais it's not particularily good and I don't have French ancestry.

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

This is one of the greatest self-ironic posts ever:

tbf

Communism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a communist

Anarchism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a anarchist

'Progressivism': when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a progressive

Liberalism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a liberal

Libertarianism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a libertarian

The Christian Right: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a christian

Nationalism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a nationalist

Conservative: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a conservative

[Context: "When do you feel most sympathetic to opposing ideologies?"]

[Never Made it to Graceland]

This is one of the greatest self-ironic posts ever:

tbf

Communism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a communist

Anarchism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a anarchist

'Progressivism': when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a progressive

Liberalism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a liberal

Libertarianism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a libertarian

The Christian Right: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a christian

Nationalism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a nationalist

Conservative: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a conservative

[Context: "When do you feel most sympathetic to opposing ideologies?"]

When you laugh at yourself, that's when the healing begins.

[Grumpier Than Thou]

This is one of the greatest self-ironic posts ever:

tbf

Communism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a communist

Anarchism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a anarchist

'Progressivism': when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a progressive

Liberalism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a liberal

Libertarianism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a libertarian

The Christian Right: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a christian

Nationalism: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a nationalist

Conservative: when I start to fall in love with a girl who identifies as a conservative

[Context: "When do you feel most sympathetic to opposing ideologies?"]

Genuinely one of the funniest posts I've seen on this website. Good job, Laki. Now just internalize why this post is so funny and you'll be golden.

[The world will shine with light in our nightmare]

My dad is a US Senator

In case anyone was wondering, it ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no senator's son.

[beaver2.0]

If you're asking for a rationale behind any US alcohol policy you're not going to find one

Somewhat hilarious but also true.  It seemed like too much of a faecespost to put in the High Quality Posts thread.

[Grumpier Than Thou]

I am a surgeon taking away critical minutes from my time-sensitive open heart surgery to post in this important thread because I just need to share my superior intellectual insights: “bitch” is typically used as a gendered insult with different meanings when used against men or women. I typically avoid using it unless it is in a joking manner

Edit: My patient has died. My nurse is being a bitch and saying it was because I was on my phone

[Atlas Force]

can we please ban MM

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand MillennialMAModerate. The humor is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of neoliberal politics, most of the analysis will go over a typical poster's head. There's also MillennialModerate's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation - his personal philosophy draws heavily from Greek mythology, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of his analysis, to realize that they're not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike MillennialModerate truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humour in MM's existencial catchphrase "This is over, you're an idiot if you think Democrats will win," which itself is a cryptic reference to the Epic of Sisyphus. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as MillennialModerate's genius unfolds itself on their computer monitors. What fools... how I pity them. 😂

[The world will shine with light in our nightmare]

Not surprising that Tuberville arrives and the defense falls apart. Many such cases.