The Kalwejt Foundation for the Promotion of Atlas Hilarity

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

Describe a Habsburg 1562, Tilden 1880, Mondale 1984, Perot 1992, Bush 2004, Obama 2012, Johnson 2016, Trump 2020 voter

What about a Julius Caesar 60 BC, Celestine V 1294, Napoleon III 1848, Trump 2016, Biden 2020 voter?

That one is actually surprisingly easy (other than the Celestine V vote).

Peasant in the Gallia (later France), who was attracted to the Populares and their more progressive and populist policies, led by Julius Caesar. This voter somehow sneaked into the 1294 Papal election and voted Celestine V.

In 1848, still a peasant in France, he is, much like most rural peasants, attracted to the Bonapartist message and votes for Napoleon III.

At some point in the late 19th century, this seemingly immortal voter emigrates to the US, still to work as a rural farmer. He is attracted to Trump's message of populism and strongmanship, but after his failings as president, and with Biden a better fit than Hillary; will vote Biden in 2020.

[brucejoel99]

I hate to say it but this is worst then the titanic in the way it has less time to steer the ship away from the ice berg. This is painful but these numbers in the rust belt with arizonia, Florida and Nc make me sick.

Trump wasn't perfect but he did more to fix our treasonous trade deals then any president in the history of this country. He did more to fix the middle east and bring together countries then any president of the past 50 years. The guy stopped full blown war in the koreas. He tried to fix the unfair system that men like biden voted on in 1993 that targeted blacks for decades in prison...Yet it isn't enough. Makes me sick. Goddamnit.

He is a better president then Clinton or Obama ever will be...Probably better then Reagan, both Bushes. Can't win.

[Sprouts Farmers Market ✘]

Post of the Year

On The Inevitability Of Death

A philosophical treatise

Written by: olawakandi
Published by: the Atlas blog

Chapter One: Death is inevitable
Chapter Two: Death isn't inevitable anymore
Chapter Three: You are going to die, but 65 is now the age of retirement, not a death date
Chapter Four: Death is becoming less inevitable lately

[Anzeigenhauptmeister]

Likely scenario is IA becomes new bellweather over OH and votes for Joe Biden over Trump

Not only the content of that post is hilarious, but also its context... 🙄

[Anzeigenhauptmeister]

It's too hot in HI in the Summer time. It's like Palm Springs, that's why they dont celebrate daylight savings time. Difference is that it rains, unlike the Desert in Summertime

[Kingpoleon]

This is kind of stupid, but right now I am imagining hypothetical-S019 entering a debate about abortion and saying "hrumph if we just banned sex, there would never be abortions again"

Or, you know we stop pandering to the right on every single social issue in existence. The southern deplorables can cry all they want that we both made the nation safer and allowed women the same freedom to make healthcare decisions as men have. Their sexism and reactionary views should not be holding us back from progress.

You telling me trans men have easier times getting abortions than cis women?
Also wish I could make a healthcare decision

[NOVA Green]

The Republican Party is the party of the casual meth user with a record of Simple Battery, Aggravated Possession, and DUI. They dropped out of the 11th grade because they didn’t believe in birth control but somehow believed underaged sex was OK. Two years later they went to make $27 bucks an hour on the oil rig outside of Williston,ND on a 7 by 12 basis, 2 weeks on and two weeks off. That’s about 70k a year for manual labor two years later. They were good at and now 25, they hasLove 5 guys under them and they make what a typical small law partner or senior software engineer makes. About 10 or 11 a month. By 45, they will either have  an equal chance of having 10 million dollars, be homeless, or in prison.

The Democratic Party is the party of the speech and debate nerd or Soccer scholar who got into a place like Middlebury or Oberlin. They went into an ambitious major and yet still expected to manage it while ending up stoned on the quad or in a stranger’s bed every Sunday Morning. When they got their first “C” or “D” in their life in Calculus II their Freshman year, they became burnt out and thought the disappointing grade alone was enough to eliminate them from the graduate or professional school of their choice. They then decided to triple major in business, psychology, and political science and eventually they graduated in six years. After looking for a job for a year and only being able to get a job at a call center making 350 a week, they Ldecided to take the GRE and go for their MPA. The same thing happened after their MPA and now they are in their second year of law school at Arizona State (a school with a solid, but not stellar reputation) with an average rank. They are 30 years old and the most money they ever made was last summer at their 1L summer clerkship at a 40 lawyer firm in Phoenix making 20 bucks an hour. This person has an equal chance that by 45, they will be making what the person above them was making when they were 25, being a substitute teacher living on some kind of welfare, or doing something lucrative and sexy that they could have done all along.

The difference between the Bush Obama years and the Trump Biden years is the former is now more likely to be a bisexual Puerto Rican girl from a place like Osceola County and the later a ScotsIrish Baptist boy from a place like Cobb County.

Context: "Are the Democrats Now the Party of the Rich" thread.

https://talkelections.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=413103.msg7769530#msg7769530

[Badger]

The Republican Party is the party of the casual meth user with a record of Simple Battery, Aggravated Possession, and DUI. They dropped out of the 11th grade because they didn’t believe in birth control but somehow believed underaged sex was OK. Two years later they went to make $27 bucks an hour on the oil rig outside of Williston,ND on a 7 by 12 basis, 2 weeks on and two weeks off. That’s about 70k a year for manual labor two years later. They were good at and now 25, they hasLove 5 guys under them and they make what a typical small law partner or senior software engineer makes. About 10 or 11 a month. By 45, they will either have  an equal chance of having 10 million dollars, be homeless, or in prison.

The Democratic Party is the party of the speech and debate nerd or Soccer scholar who got into a place like Middlebury or Oberlin. They went into an ambitious major and yet still expected to manage it while ending up stoned on the quad or in a stranger’s bed every Sunday Morning. When they got their first “C” or “D” in their life in Calculus II their Freshman year, they became burnt out and thought the disappointing grade alone was enough to eliminate them from the graduate or professional school of their choice. They then decided to triple major in business, psychology, and political science and eventually they graduated in six years. After looking for a job for a year and only being able to get a job at a call center making 350 a week, they Ldecided to take the GRE and go for their MPA. The same thing happened after their MPA and now they are in their second year of law school at Arizona State (a school with a solid, but not stellar reputation) with an average rank. They are 30 years old and the most money they ever made was last summer at their 1L summer clerkship at a 40 lawyer firm in Phoenix making 20 bucks an hour. This person has an equal chance that by 45, they will be making what the person above them was making when they were 25, being a substitute teacher living on some kind of welfare, or doing something lucrative and sexy that they could have done all along.

The difference between the Bush Obama years and the Trump Biden years is the former is now more likely to be a bisexual Puerto Rican girl from a place like Osceola County and the later a ScotsIrish Baptist boy from a place like Cobb County.

Context: "Are the Democrats Now the Party of the Rich" thread.

https://talkelections.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=413103.msg7769530#msg7769530

This could arguably go into the Virginia Museum for good posts thread. Someone satirical or not, there's more than a few grains of Truth in there to Warrant some serious mad respect.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

The Republican Party is the party of the casual meth user with a record of Simple Battery, Aggravated Possession, and DUI. They dropped out of the 11th grade because they didn’t believe in birth control but somehow believed underaged sex was OK. Two years later they went to make $27 bucks an hour on the oil rig outside of Williston,ND on a 7 by 12 basis, 2 weeks on and two weeks off. That’s about 70k a year for manual labor two years later. They were good at and now 25, they hasLove 5 guys under them and they make what a typical small law partner or senior software engineer makes. About 10 or 11 a month. By 45, they will either have  an equal chance of having 10 million dollars, be homeless, or in prison.

The Democratic Party is the party of the speech and debate nerd or Soccer scholar who got into a place like Middlebury or Oberlin. They went into an ambitious major and yet still expected to manage it while ending up stoned on the quad or in a stranger’s bed every Sunday Morning. When they got their first “C” or “D” in their life in Calculus II their Freshman year, they became burnt out and thought the disappointing grade alone was enough to eliminate them from the graduate or professional school of their choice. They then decided to triple major in business, psychology, and political science and eventually they graduated in six years. After looking for a job for a year and only being able to get a job at a call center making 350 a week, they Ldecided to take the GRE and go for their MPA. The same thing happened after their MPA and now they are in their second year of law school at Arizona State (a school with a solid, but not stellar reputation) with an average rank. They are 30 years old and the most money they ever made was last summer at their 1L summer clerkship at a 40 lawyer firm in Phoenix making 20 bucks an hour. This person has an equal chance that by 45, they will be making what the person above them was making when they were 25, being a substitute teacher living on some kind of welfare, or doing something lucrative and sexy that they could have done all along.

The difference between the Bush Obama years and the Trump Biden years is the former is now more likely to be a bisexual Puerto Rican girl from a place like Osceola County and the later a ScotsIrish Baptist boy from a place like Cobb County.

Context: "Are the Democrats Now the Party of the Rich" thread.

https://talkelections.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=413103.msg7769530#msg7769530

This could arguably go into the Virginia Museum for good posts thread. Someone satirical or not, there's more than a few grains of Truth in there to Warrant some serious mad respect.

I'm honestly incredibly confused as to how to think of it. It's great comedy and even better literature, and captures an important essential truth of our evolving system, while at the same time demeaning all involved.

[Unconditional Surrender Truman]

Yes, and I’ve moved on to focusing on 20248

It's never to early to start planning for the two-hundred second century!

[free my dawg]

Ed Markey ruins everything.

Convinced he and the latte liberals derailed what would’ve been a two termer

The salt mines are back open for business!

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

If Dianne Feinstein (D-San Francisco) resigns from her seat in the Senate, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-San Francisco) would get a second seat to fill, along with the other vacancy created by Sen. Kamala Harris (D-San Francisco) ascending to the Vice Presidency. Former Assembly Speaker Willie Brown (D-San Francisco) has been lobbying for Harris's seat to go to Mayor London Breed (D-San Francisco).

It's possible Newsom seeks some balance by appointing Breed to Harris's seat and filling Feinstein's seat with an equally history-making pick, such as State Sen. Scott Wiener (D-San Francisco), who has been a leader on LGBT issues in the state legislature, or either State Controller Betty Yee (D-San Francisco) or State Treasurer Fiona Ma (D-San Francisco), both of whom would follow Harris as the second Asian-American woman to represent the state in the Senate. He could also look to a loyalist like Lt. Gov. Eleni Kounalakis (D-San Francisco) or a national figure like 2020 presidential candidate Tom Steyer (D-San Francisco). Whoever he picks, however, they won't be the most powerful Californian in Congress for as long as Nancy Pelosi (D-San Francisco) hangs on to the speaker's gavel.

I was undecided with the Tavern of Simple Truths and Smart One-Liners though.

[🐒Gods of Prosperity🔱🐲💸]

Ramadan has become so commercialized and ubiquitous that it practically takes up a whole month. Every year it feels like it starts earlier and earlier.

[It's Perro Sanxe wot won it]

If Donald Trump is successful in his court challenges and wins re-election, will Joe Biden (and his supporters) say, ‘We accept the result that Donald Trump won, and he did so through the legal system. His presidency is legitimate. Now let’s heal and unite!’?

If Joe Biden sprouts wings and takes flight, will Donald Trump (and his supporters) say “Hark! In a feat once thought to be the realm of the demigods, Mr. Biden has transcended man’s physical limits and imagination to become a dazzling creature of the skies!”

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

I think the state should assist those born in such unfortunate circumstances by relieving them of the burden of their material wealth.

See the OP of the thread for context.

[Never Made it to Graceland]

Treating politics like a football game = Major HP

I prefer my politics more like golf - dominated by white men, with one part-black guy who reached the top.

[Diabolical Materialism]

Oh, and looky here

https://notthebee.com/article/marxism-in-action-blm-chapters-are-speaking-out-accusing-the-central-leadership-of-hoarding-all-the-money

The central org is hoarding all the cash donated to BLM! Why does this sound so familiar? OH, because it's what happens in actual communist countries!  All monies go the commissar, comrade.

And how is this system better than our "late-stage capitalism" corporate overlords?

[Badger]

Oh, and looky here

https://notthebee.com/article/marxism-in-action-blm-chapters-are-speaking-out-accusing-the-central-leadership-of-hoarding-all-the-money

The central org is hoarding all the cash donated to BLM! Why does this sound so familiar? OH, because it's what happens in actual communist countries!  All monies go the commissar, comrade.

And how is this system better than our "late-stage capitalism" corporate overlords?

Unintentional humor from the critically thinking challenged is always the funniest.

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

All this thread has told me is that the cis are not okay.

Grouping people based on biological traits they were born with, i.e. sex ✔️
Saying a blanket negative statement against the whole group ✔️

Congratulations!

I am pleased to bestow upon you the Crown of Cisphobia. 👑

You have certainly tried very hard to lob in 99+% of the population into the same basket and direct a negative opinion towards the whole group.

If you do not agree with my assessment, replace "the cis" in your statement with "trans people" and let me know if that counts as transphobia.

[Diabolical Materialism]

All this thread has told me is that the cis are not okay.

Grouping people based on biological traits they were born with, i.e. sex ✔️
Saying a blanket negative statement against the whole group ✔️

Congratulations!

I am pleased to bestow upon you the Crown of Cisphobia. 👑

You have certainly tried very hard to lob in 99+% of the population into the same basket and direct a negative opinion towards the whole group.

If you do not agree with my assessment, replace "the cis" in your statement with "trans people" and let me know if that counts as transphobia.

Cisphobia lol

[MATTROSE94]

> Be S019
> Wake up at 8:00 AM sharp to a knock on the door
> The police have arrived for the biweekly weapons sweep
> Open the door; ten SWAT officers march through the house to check for watermelon knives
> They confiscate a potato peeler and leave
> Time for breakfast
> Decide to make toast
> Remember that toasters have been illegal for three years, ever since a toddler got his hand stuck in one
> Put bread in electric stove
> Stove has maximum temperature of 100 degrees, as per regulations
> Look for a butter knife, but they've all been confiscated
> Spread butter on limp, warm bread using a plastic spoon
> Try not to make eye contact with the surveillance camera in the kitchen ceiling
> Time to go to work
> Don helmet and reflective vest
> Hop into government-designed mobility vehicle
> The office is only 15 miles away, but ever since the speed limit was lowered to 5 mph to prevent crashes, the commute takes three hours
> On the way to work, stop off at the courthouse to pay fines for the week
> Pay fine for not trimming weeds in front yard
> Pay fine for being outside after curfew
> Pay fine for jaywalking
> Pay fine for pumping own gas
> Eventually arrive at work at the Department of Regulatory Compliance, which employs 90% of the town
> Insert wrist barcode into scanner mounted at desk
> Receive new case file
> Subject is a man who attempted to commit suicide by jumping from a bridge but was stopped by a safety net
> This criminal must be punished for violating the anti-suicide statute
> Sentence him to death
> Spend rest of the day filling out forms, stamping forms, signing forms
> Fill out application to use fully automatic assault stapler, in order to staple the other forms
> Get in mobility vehicle for the long journey home
> On the way back, stop at a food procurement center to pick up a loaf of bread
> Mandatory strip search takes 45 minutes
> Someone is taken in for questioning after the background check flags them for painting a neighbor’s fence without an occupational license
> Finally make it in line to buy bread
> Cashier asks to see gluten permit
> He realizes the permit has been expired for two whole days
> Justice workers arrive to take me to a re-education center
> Cashier points at me and yells “HE’S GOT A FORK!”
> Lose consciousness as the justice workers rain blows upon me with their non-lethal stun batons
> Such is life in the glorious utopia of suburban New Jersey

[Deep Dixieland Senator, Muad'dib (OSR MSR)]

Oh I seem to have forgotten to post these classics in this thread earlier.

The estate tax in Lincoln is abolished
The death tax in Lincoln is abolished
The inheritance tax in Lincoln is abolished
Lincoln property taxes shall be cut by 30%
Lincoln sales taxes shall be reduced by 2%
Lincoln gas taxes shall be reduced by 5%
Lincoln state income tax shall have three brackets
Brackets with rates:
Greater than $150,000: 25%
$50,000-$150,000: 15%
Less than $50,000: 45%
Lincoln shall raise taxes on all welfare benefits by 70%

emphasis mine

Because the poor get free welfare off of the tax money of rich and middle-class people

They should put money into their own welfare

emphasis mine
Source

[Grumpier Than Thou]

Please, no Atlasia posts in this thread.

[Donerail]

op is funny af and made funnier with the addition

This...is just something else, and it belongs in these halls of disgrace (imagine thinking someone actually wants this, this sounds like literal Stalinism or fascism, and I have been loud and clear about being a capitalist and being someone who is a strong proponent of racial equality and a strong critic of bigotry), propose renaming the thread

You should do something about Del Tachi and jimrtex. I think they should be banned permanently (much like what BRTD is trying to do to me).

I second this honestly, though you should be banned too

> Be S019
> Wake up at 8:00 AM sharp to a knock on the door
> The police have arrived for the biweekly weapons sweep
> Open the door; ten SWAT officers march through the house to check for watermelon knives
> They confiscate a potato peeler and leave
> Time for breakfast
> Decide to make toast
> Remember that toasters have been illegal for three years, ever since a toddler got his hand stuck in one
> Put bread in electric stove
> Stove has maximum temperature of 100 degrees, as per regulations
> Look for a butter knife, but they've all been confiscated
> Spread butter on limp, warm bread using a plastic spoon
> Try not to make eye contact with the surveillance camera in the kitchen ceiling
> Time to go to work
> Don helmet and reflective vest
> Hop into government-designed mobility vehicle
> The office is only 15 miles away, but ever since the speed limit was lowered to 5 mph to prevent crashes, the commute takes three hours
> On the way to work, stop off at the courthouse to pay fines for the week
> Pay fine for not trimming weeds in front yard
> Pay fine for being outside after curfew
> Pay fine for jaywalking
> Pay fine for pumping own gas
> Eventually arrive at work at the Department of Regulatory Compliance, which employs 90% of the town
> Insert wrist barcode into scanner mounted at desk
> Receive new case file
> Subject is a man who attempted to commit suicide by jumping from a bridge but was stopped by a safety net
> This criminal must be punished for violating the anti-suicide statute
> Sentence him to death
> Spend rest of the day filling out forms, stamping forms, signing forms
> Fill out application to use fully automatic assault stapler, in order to staple the other forms
> Get in mobility vehicle for the long journey home
> On the way back, stop at a food procurement center to pick up a loaf of bread
> Mandatory strip search takes 45 minutes
> Someone is taken in for questioning after the background check flags them for painting a neighbor’s fence without an occupational license
> Finally make it in line to buy bread
> Cashier asks to see gluten permit
> He realizes the permit has been expired for two whole days
> Justice workers arrive to take me to a re-education center
> Cashier points at me and yells “HE’S GOT A FORK!”
> Lose consciousness as the justice workers rain blows upon me with their non-lethal stun batons
> Such is life in the glorious utopia of suburban New Jersey

[DINGO Joe]

Was going to post Yellowhammer's farewell thread but he yanked it already.