Rise of the Moderati 2016 - the trials of Johnathan Douglas Kasichules

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Honolulu's beaches were blanketed in knee-high snow. In Miami, a dense fog blanketed the tourist attractions. Hailstones twice the size of Chris Christie were devastating the cornfields of Iowa; and the weather was no different in Ohio, the setting for the first debate of Presidential Election '16. Outside the debate hall, the gales whipped up a storm; a fitting body politick for the most polarised and extreme debate the world has ever seen ever in the history of the world.


Election 2016: directed by Roland Emmerich

"Allah ... praise all the ladies" cackled Hilary Clinton in a way that was very reminiscient of Vladmir Lenin, probably. "it remains my dream we will all have government-funded abortions and solar-powered sex changes!" to hollering from her hand-picked posse of union thugs, minorities and metrosexuals. "but!" And here her crowd grew restless, hungry for the words they craved, as the newly-converted Muslim nominee smirked. "I'll leave this to my running mate ... BERNIE!".

She screeched these last words, simultaneously tearing off her pantsuit to reveal the pulsating face of VP nominee Bernie Sanders, surgically implanted upon the her bosom following his highly successful "kill the rich" speech at the DNC."Private property is theft!" Urged the writhing visage of the aged socialist, his beady eyes spitting venom and fire and atheism, "die capitalist racist pigdogs!"

"No" cried out the GOP nominee, stepping forward with his trusty aK47. "I cannot allow that". His beady eyes, darting beneath the pointed white hood that he wore to protect his anonymity from the base. " 'racism' is not a real thing, contrary to my devil-worshipping gun-grabbing democratic opponents Marxist dogma!" A USA flag dropped down from the feeling in gratitude and awe as he spoke "why, some PC police have called my very own godfearing, traditional clothing "racist"! Well, as Jesus, Reagan and those old guys with the white hair said, when they founded this god blessed country - go back to Mexico, commie!"


the Republican nominee, flanked by his Vice Presidential nominee and Wife.


The republican nominee, known by his full name as The Republican Nominee, was a mysterious figure, but came as a blessing in disguise. Although the GOP elite had cunningly convinced Donald Trump to jump in a Volcano in Colombia as a rating stunt, they still lacked a compelling nominee, till the triumphant and enigmatic rise of Mr Nominee, who the base probably loved. "and as for the RINO's who doubted me, like John K-".

*****

The screen went dark and the braying voice was silenced.

"Oh heavens and tarnations" stated a voice in a moderately aggreived manner, "they were just getting to ole me". The deposed Governor Of Ohio, John Kasich, peered somewhat inquisitively at his television, in a way that almost conveyed frustration. Putting on his beige coloured slippers and setting aside his mug of lukewarm water, the former politician peered at his television. In truth, it was better the TV was off. The debate was so extreme it made him feel ... angry? Kasich wasn't particularly familiar with the emotion, as he strived to purge all non-moderate feelings from his mind. But Kasich was feeling very miffed, almost more peeved when he had noted that the flyers for a local cafe had a choice of font far too garish for the circumstances.

Just then the phone ran. The ringtone was his favourite musician Kenny G, who is a fine musician. He picked up the receiver.

"Hello" he spoke "John Kasich here!"

"hi John" said a moderate voice that Kasich hadn't heard in a long time. "Mark Warner speaking"

And the shocked John Kasich did something unspeakable. His mouth gaped and he swore the most blasphemous oath he knew.

"Gosh darn"

[Horsemask]

kek

[Kingpoleon]

Best. Timeline. Ever.

[Captain Chaos]

And America lived happily ever after.

[Kytax]

oh mah gawd

so beautiful

[Kingpoleon]

""the Republican nominee, flanked by his Vice Presidential nominee and Wife."


The KKK in that pic not only voted Dem, they were probably local elected Dem officials

TTL is so serious.

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The cafe where Warner had called for the rendezvous was empty. John Kasich wasn't surprised - in this polarised world very rarely did people eat in good ole American diners anymore. Most democrats feasted on recently aborted foetuses, especially if they were white and earned a higher income since gestation than other embryos; while republicans generally preferred to swallow cute sea lions alive drizzled with a healthy amount of crude oil. Still, due to the moderate and business friendly models the moderate governor of Ohio had put in place, this small business was still open. (The models were also fiscally conservative, btw, but you probably guessed that)

"Drink, sir?" The buxom waitress sauntered over to the table.

"I, John Kasich" said John Kasich in a way some might say was appropriately presidential "Would like a medium-sized container of plain water."

"Uh, huh" the waitress murmured, biting her crimson-painted lower lip "and would you like that water boiling hot and 70% pure alcohol or frozen solid and crawling with an unholy amount of fire ants?"

"Y'know" said John Kasich, flailing his arms in the air, "I think the American people have tried cold and they've tried hot, and, I think there is a real desire to move on and have water of a somewhat lukewarm temperature. That's how America was built and-" he noticed to his waitress "I'm sure Taylor Swift must have a few songs about that." The waitress stared with silence. "You know",  John Kasich explained, "because you're a woman, and such ... Wait, was it Taylor Swift who had that song with the hot and the cold and such?"

There was the sound of clapping from the kitchen door. Slow at first, it sped to a speed of almost 1 beat every few seconds.

"Woa Slow down!" John Kasich cried out, "what's going on in this goshcrazy cafe?"

And then, a ragged and worn Mark Warner stepped out from the kitchen. And, following him were others: Joe Lieberman, Susan Collins, Lindsey Graham, Mark Pryor and Blanche Lincoln among the throng.

"My dear John Kasich" explained Warner "this is no cafe. This is no ordinary building. She is no waitress: she's actually Rudi Giuliani. And you, my friend, have passed the test".

John Kasich gasped, his breath exiting his mouth in an orderly fashion. Could the myth be true? "Are you the famed M-"

"Yes" Warner said, his steel eyes expressionless "and we have great plans for you ... Future President Kasich."

********

Hillary Clinton yawned. She normally enjoyed the Presidents biweekly Democratic policy meeting/coke-fuelled orgy, but her heart wasn't quite in it. She took a long drag from her spliff.

"You know what drives me mad?" blathered the now-constantly chattering Elderly Jew living on her chest. "The rich? Why do they even have two, three, four cars? You can't drive two cars, it's nuts! And another thing..."

"Great observation, Bernie" she muttered drily, fighting back a temptation to ask him to shut up for a second "do you want, like, some Pringles or something?"

"Pringles are a tool of the borgeious-"

His droning was interrupted by Hillary's phone. 1 New Message. momentarily thrilled at the idea of more Benghazi cover-ups at hand, she found something far more intriguing:

H.C,

Moderati on move. John Kasich is the man.

"The Mole"

Hillary Clinton threw caution to the wind and cackled till sundown.

[Higgs]

"Y'know" said John Kasich, flailing his arms in the air "I think the American people have tried cold and they've tried hot, and, I think there is a real desire to move on and have water of a somewhat lukewarm temperature.

I'm dying reading this, just picturing Kasich flailing his arms while sitting in a diner is the funniest thing ever.

Also lmao at Bernie surgically implanted on Hillary.

This may very well be the best timeline ever made.

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Thanks Higgs! I dub your praise moderately pleasing.

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"Congratulations again, Mr Republican Nominee! The new look really is polling well"



The Republican Nominee smirked like a money-grabbing capitalist taking the viginity of a virgin considering that the virgin is actually a metaphor for the shrinking American middle-class, as he waved his adoring staff away.

"God bless all you American-blooded Ameircans" he called out "Being Americans, you must indulge in America tonight, Americans" as they scurried out the door, ready to round up and throw heathens in their bonfire of IRS documents and climate change research papers.

 A familiar figure flew in. The broomstick gave away her identity very quickly.

"Hillary" he hissed, startled "what are you doing here? It's way too dangerous!"

She shrugged, in a way that Saul Alinsky would have shrugged if he had been asked if he was a patriot. "As if! Pah, we all know the sheeple can't stop us and the MSM eat from my palm. Plus it's a weekday so Bernie is too stoned to know where we even are." (A wheezy "far out, man, nationalise the banks!" was heard from under her blouse.) She narrowed her beady Hoxhaist eyes. "Aren't you going to take off your mask, or are you expecting company?."

The Republican Nominee grinned, pulling at the mask obscuring his face, to reveal the familiar grin of an Arkansas Governor turned President that America knew oh so well.

"Sorry about the lippy stains" chortled Bill Clinton. "These GOP interns are damn nice I tell ya with a blindfold on. why didn't we do this 'disguise yourself as a republican and run for president on both tickets to ensure the Clinton dynasty continues forever while polarising the electorate to undermine the moderates who only have the power to stop us' wheeze sooner?" He licked his lips decadently.

Hillary frowned "listen I like corrupting innocent Christians as much as the next person, but I wanted to talk to you about Kasich."

"who?"

"John Kaich"

"Doesn't ring any bells."

"From Ohio?"

"Is that like ... a theme park or something? Damnit woman, what are these nonsense words?"

"Look it doesn't matter. All we need to know is he and the Moderati are the only thing standing between our failure and complete and perpetual Clintonian control of the United States in perpetuity".

"Oh" said Bill "well, that sounds bad"

Hillary leaned in and smiled "not if we can stop them".

The sounds of Clintonian laughter rumbled through America.

*******

"John Kasich", chanted the hooded figures "you have been selected for a vital mission of rescuing not only this great nation, but several of our donors, from extremist horrors. Do you accept?"

"Yes" stated John Kaich out loud, in a nice manner, "with half of my heart I humbly accept this challenge".

"That is a partially good response" intoned Mark Warner "and to do so (because let's face it actual elections aren't your strong suit), you must fulfil the twelve Labours of Kasichules."

"Number One" said Susan Collins (R-ME) "You must slay Van Der Plaats, the tyrant of Iowa, who has taken so many brave moderates and turned them into unelectable failures"

"number Two" cried out Michael Bloomberg " find and destroy the many-headed beastial creature of social media, which disorients our moderate senses into taking actual opinions on issues!"

"inumeros tres!" called out the decayed corpse of Jeb Bush "you must find and seize the legendarily speedy Hispanic swing voter of Nevada"

"Fourth" wheezed Joe Manchin "you must bring the fearsome WASP donors of New England to your campaign headquarters ... Alive!"

"Fifth" boomed Chris Christie "clean the legendary filthy New Jersey legislature. Also, while you're at it, my latrine, which is also pretty grim".

"Sixth" calmly suggested Scott Brown "silence the man-eating SJW's which I'm reliably told is the entirety of the New Hampshire electorate! How else could I have lost if it wasn't for misandrists!."

The hooded figures stopped reciting the labours.

"Shouldn't you be heading off now?" inquired Mark Kirk "We aren't going to tell you all twelve at once. That would be the mark of an extremist" he hissed.

"Yes" said John Kasich "I shall make you proud."

His gaze turned as steely as it had ever been in his life. "I am approximately 50% sure of that statement" he confidently informed them.

****

In a decayed Virginia tower, Larry Sabato awoke with a start. His crystal ball was throbbing. "What the...?", he mouthed. Could this be the prophecy that his great-great-great grandfather had called many moons ago. "By Jove" he cried out. "the prophecy! It's coming true!'

There was only one clear image in the crystal ball.

A plucky Governor from Ohio.

John Kasich ... the Chosen One.

FIN OF ACT ONE

[NickCT]

Oh. My. Yes.

[SUSAN CRUSHBONE]

hhhhhhh this is the best timeline since whatever xiivi's one was called cakewalk

[rpryor03]

Two things:

1. I want more.
2. Where's the most important members of the Moderati: Joe Lieberman, Olympia Snowe, and BenConstine?

[Kingpoleon]

Two things:

1. I want more.
2. Where's the most important members of the Moderati: Joe Lieberman, Olympia Snowe, and BenConstine?

Secret HQ.

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COMING SOON in part 4:

A detour in EUtopia
The First Cornundrum of Johnathan Douglas Kasich
The Blare of the Trumpette

Romance! action! Violence!* What will happen next?

* in moderation. Romance, Action and violence must be taken with the assistance of a trained professional. If symptoms of overstimulence last for longer than twelve hours, please read Guardian Comment is Free until you no longer can feel any tangible emotion beyond abstract confusion.

[Leinad]

This timeline is moderately fantastic.

The Blare of the Trumpette

Blare? Or...Blair?

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Location: EU Building, Brussels, The Provincial Areas that Were Previously Referred to as Belgium, the Federated Superstate of the EU

"-and in world news, Mexico is holding its snap election, following the tragic death of Enrique Pena Nieto after he drowned after seeing his reflection in a pond. The projected winner, campaigning on a promise of being 'at least ten times more bangable than any other candidate', is expected to make a speech-"

The TV cut out, much to the consternation of a passing bureaucrat.

"Scusi! The required paperwork for turning off the television has not been completed, and you may be liable for a fine unless supplementary paperwork is completed to..." the colour drained from his face upon realising who he was speaking too. "Apologies, Frau M-"

Angela Merkel sighed. She didn't have time for this. She was leader of the free, moderate world; and with the loss of the PRI in Mexico, the world was just a little less moderate. And to this strange, new woman! Well, diplomatic formalities were still necessary, as she prepared a telegram of congratulations.

"Rajoy!" she called out to the former PM of Spain, hiding in her office. The Prime Minister had escaped his disintegrating nation with little more than his life and favourite suitcase of ten million embezzled euros. "How to pronounce this President! I kanst never keep up with strange made-up South european languages!"

"I'll try" blinked the Spaniard "but I may be slow ... the brain not working as fast ... so many people punch me in head".

Merkel did her weird hand genture thing. She did not have time to deal with this. The radical Horseshoe Alliance, under its all-inclusive slogan "Die Muslim Neoliberal Homosexual Capitalists" was sweeping Europe, and she was worried.

"Doña" spelled out Rajoy "an honourific ... she must be of noble birth"

After all, even her own nation of Germany was getting in on the act. Luckily, Bavarians were so annoying even the Horsehoe Alliance kept them out, but it was a bad warning sign.

"Juana" intoned the bearded politician.

She just hoped her plans in America were going to go smoothly. Funding the Moderati was a good step, she decided - after all, what could go wrong when funding moderate rebels?

"Triunfar" concluded Rajoy, whittering on unprompted "an ... odd surname!"

After all, the Clintons were known quantities, but Trump - she shuddered - was as dangerous to the force of moderation as one could possibly be.

"I mean, Triunfar, is verb not a surname"

She remembered Dobald Trump on that volcano, explaining how he was not to be underestimated.

"technically translated, it means 'to win'"

How he was twenty steps ahead, and had the Art of The Deal; as he prepared to launch himself inside the caldera.

"Or 'to triumph'"

That great Colombian volcano, the Dona Juan.

"or perhaps even..."

Dona Juana Triunfar

"to trump"

Donald John Trump.

Dona Juana Triunfar.

Merkel's eyebrows shot up. "No" she exclaimed "This can't be!"

The doors were thrown open, revealing Mark Rutte and Francois Hollande, panicked.

"The horseshoe alliance!" they shouted "they're at the Brussels gates!"

And Angela Merkel realised her problems were much worse than she had ever thought.

She coughed. "We're going to need some bigger paperwork"

******

John Kasich was more exhausted than a man who had been on a fairly brisk jog all afternoon. He, John McCain and  Susan Collins had traipsed through every county in Iowa, finding only corn and on occasion Rick Santorum.

"How do we find this Vander Plaats fellow, anyway?" asked John Kasich, good-naturedly. "I'm very good with the telephone directory if we need that, it's my favourite book."

"No" said the wizened old figure of McCain "He comes when you least expect it .... sometimes he wants you to sign a Federal Marriage Amendment Pledge ... sometimes an anti abortion decree ... each time more despicable and less electable than the last".

"What if we asked politely?" politely inquired John Kasich in a polite way, and began to address the air, his arms wiggling in the wind, "Hullo, Mr der Plaats, sir!  I am John Kasich and I have been tasked with a mission to assassinate you. Is that quite alright? I mean, I won't bother you or anything.." he petered off.

Susan Collins rolled her eyes, "it is my moderate belief" she spat, annoyed, "that you are a fool, not a "Chosen One""

John Kasich was close to a biting reply ("I respectfully disagree") when the ground began to shake and a church rose from the ground.

VENDER PLAATS MINISTRIES

NO GEYS

John McCain chuckled, like only a wise old man could. "It looks like we have underestimated you, John Kasich"

Collins scowled "Congrats. What do we do about them?"

Scarecrows were walking out of the cornfields and advancing upon them.

"Straw men! A moderate's worst enemy!" John McCain proclaimed, talking out his scimitar, "Go in the church, Kasich, at the most leisurely pace you can! Me and Susan will fight!"

"But-" John Kasich

Susan Collins, crossbow in hand, flashed him a smile "I believe in you John"

John Kasich blushed.

"I will not let you down". And he opened the oaken doors of the Plaats Ministry, and ambled inside.

"It smells nice in here" he said, to nodody in particular.

*****

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So subplots list, for anybody confused:

John Kasich is running for President through completing the sacred tasks that will mysteriously give him the presidency, in lieu of the horrors of an actual democratic election. His candidacy is linked in with a mysterious prophecy foretold by Larry Sabato.

His main opponents are the Clinton family, who are running on both tickets as ideologically opposed opposites, although Bill is disguised and Hillary has a Jewish man on her chest. They have an unknown spy in the organisation that recruited Kasich:

The Moderati, who are an elite underground secret society made up moderate politicians and are funded by:

Angela Merkel and the EU, who themselves are embroiled in a civil war with heterodox coalition The Hourseshoe Alliance of far-rightists and Trots.

Meanwhile, early GOP frontrunner Donald Trump after ostensibly being killed in a volcano related stunt, appears to be back in the form of the bootiful new President of Mexico, in one of the greatest flip-flops in political history, changing her opinions towards Mexico and her gender/corporal body for political gain. Triunfar's aims are as inscrutable as ever.

Ask me anything about the state of the race and the international scene, if you dare.

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Next in Part 5:

Kasichimi Battles the Pink Agenda

They Saved Trump's Brain!

Debate #2: Taming the Blue Bird

ANd The Clintonian Agenda Strikes Back - The Return of Vince Foster

[Simfan34]

There better be Jon Huntsman!

[Sol]

What role does Tony Abbott have in all this?

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John Kasich moved into the megachurch of the Plaats man, wooden sword in hand. The vast interior was damp, filled with the stench of unelectability and ruined candidacies. Kasich frowned, noticing every pew was filled with evangelical voters, their eyes blank.

"Hullo!" said the befuddled Governor "I'm here to assassinate your leader. Have you heard I balanced the budget in the 90's?"

The evangelicals stared at him, their bright blaring eyes brightly blaring in a bright way.

"Yes when I was Chairman of the-"

"Sign this anti-abortion pledge!" they moaned as one "Where is our Federal Marriage Amendment! America is a Christian nation!". The encircling evangelicals swarmed the Governor like bees, if bees had family values and weren't godless matriarchal heathens which they totally are. Their My First Bible copies in hands.

Kasich gulped "Please, I have no quarrel with you, you strange, uneconomically minded hicks. My father was a mailman and I governed Ohio-" but the evangelicals moved in. That's when Kasich noticed him. Bob Vander Plaats was sitting on his elephantine throne mouthing every word that was being intoned by the drones. The doors flung open, followed by McCain, Collins and their straw assailants, still furiously battling.

McCain sought out Kasich's eyes. "You know what you have to do!"

John Kasich knew what he had to do.

"My fellow Americans" he began. The evangelicals cocked their heads. Kasich gulped.

The stump speech that followed is now lost in time. All we have now are the legends we tell children when we want them to sleep. How the tropes of Christianity, of American Exceptional, of everything John Kasich ever believed in could come together in a pinnacle of perfect moderation. It was what was foretold by the most mediocre and moderate of the Founding Fathers, how the Governor of Ohio once felt briefly comfortable in a friend of a friend's lesbian wedding, how sometimes Muslims make great falafal and shouldn't all be forcibly removed from the planet. It was a speech, that if it was memorable, would be remembered for eternity. All the records show, however is the aftermath

They exploded. Plaats and the evangelicals looked at the mildly contented Ohio Governor as they exploded into bales and bales of straw.

"gasp" said a shocked Susan Collins and John McCain together, who were very shocked.

"wow" said Kasich "The evangelical voters are strawmen. I wonder if it's a hamfisted metaphor?"

It was probably rude to leave the church with straw everywhere though, decided Kasich, so he grabbed a broom and swept up, whistling an Andante tune as he did so. It was an adequate day, he concluded.