On the campaign trail with Michael Z...

[Michael Z]

CNN: …And on his first official day of campaigning, Michael Z has taken the audacious decision to canvas in Reaganfan's home state of Ohio. I think we can now create a live link to Cleveland, where Michael Z is about to hold his first major speech...

(Cut to Michael Z shaking hands, chatting, holding babies, pretending he has a clue about baseball, generally doing the politician thang.)

CNN: Reporter guy, what more can you tell us?

(Cut to CNN reporter guy standing amidst a cheering crowd in Cleveland.)

CNN Reporter Guy: Yes, thank you. I am standing here in the middle of a large crowd, here to welcome the new Democratic candidate for Senate, Michael Z. In fact, I can see him approaching me right now...

(Michael Z approaches him right now.)

CNN Reporter Guy: Mr. Z.

Michael Z: Mr. Guy.

Reporter Guy: What made you spend your first day of campaigning in Reaganfan's home state of Ohio?

Michael Z: Because I want to show that I am a man of the people. I want to show that I am a candidate who can represent the entire District, not just a few elite states. I mean, look at these people, all cheering me on, all willing to participate in my campaign...

(Michael Z waves at the crowd. Crowd cheers. A few girls in the audience faint at Our Hero's incredibly hunky good looks.)

Michael Z: Just look at this enthusiasm! And none of them bribed! Well, perhaps a few. Perhaps a few hundred. But that's not the point. I can show my face anywhere around this District and meet people willing to support my cause. You couldn't say that about Reaganfan. Heck, he tried campaigning in my home state of DC and got pelted with tomatoes! OK, so the ones doing the pelting were me and Boss Tweed, but, erm, anyway, yeah. That wouldn't happen to me. Mainly because my bodyguards would beat the living daylights out of anyone who'd dare, but remember that I'm a MAN OF THE PEOPLE.

Reporter Guy: OK. Now, there have been some dissenting voices from within the Republican Party, stating that actually you missed the deadline to announce your candidacy...

Michael Z: Deadline, schmeadline. Do you think Washington waited for a deadline when he defeated the British? Do you think Lincoln waited for a deadline when he liberated African-Americans from slavery? Do you think...

Reporter Guy: Er, that's not really...

Michael Z: Of course they didn't! There are many things that made America great, and meeting deadlines isn't one of them. So bah humbug to all this deadline talk.

Reporter Guy: Erm...

Michael Z: Any more questions?

Reporter Guy: Well... n...

Michael Z: What's my view on education, you ask? Oh, of course I would put more money into local education, how good you should ask me.

Reporter Guy: I...

Michael Z: Anyway, Vote Michael Z! "He's your kinda guy!" I'll admit it's not the catchiest campaign slogan ever, but it's certainly a lot better than Reaganfan's "I thought it was too late to announce anymore bids for senate." And with these words I bid you farewell.

(HUGE smile and wave from Michael Z, who climbs on stage about to hold a speech to a jubilant crowd....)

[Gustaf]

LOL!

Great stuff, I see that the Boss is managing your campaign...

[ShapeShifter]

Crowd starts to chant.

Michael

[Michael Z]

*** CAMPAIGN SPEECH BY DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR SENATE, MICHAEL Z. ***

Cleveland, Ohio --- 13th April 2004.

(Michael Z climbs on stage to the sound of David Bowie’s Heroes.)

Michael Z: Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you as the official Democratic candidate for our great District. Before I go any further, I wish to extend my deepest thanks to all those who encouraged and supported me. AFDNC Chairman Boss Tweed, Attny General MAS117, Progressive politician ShapeShifter, and several noteable Democrats, including Gustaf, Of_thisnation, JohnFKennedy, and many more… without you, I wouldn’t be standing here today. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

(Claps.)

It is indeed a historic task we face. It’s an election of two clear choices. Do we choose economic stagnation under the Republicans? A lack of a clear direction? Countless polls over whether you think Rick Santorum or Jeb Bush will win the Presidency in 2008? Or do we want something else? Do we instead want MORE money for schools. MORE money for hospitals. Do we want a more purposeful direction for this great District. I say yes!

(Cheers.)

I have the utmost respect for Reaganfan. He is a man of true character and courage. He wants the best for America and Americans. But unfortunately his policies are flawed. Reaganfan says we should outsource jobs.

(Boos.)

That the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

(Hisses.)

Not with me. I am not a man of big business. I am a man of the people. Someone who wants a fair and just society, a society where every man and woman can fulfill their every dream, with no hurdle in their way.

(Claps.)

And healthcare and education are the founding stones this society is based on. If people lack education and healthcare, they lack the bare necessities to create a decent life for themselves. Ensure they run smoothly and the rest pans itself out. This is what I firmly believe.

(Cheers.)

But education and health are not the be-all and end-all. Not by a long shot. We also have to ensure higher security for our citizens. Reaganfan has made the War On Terror a big part of his campaign, and I am willing to follow suit. Now, I cannot comment on federal policy. A senator cannot influence the government’s foreign policy. However, I will ensure that flights are checked regularly. I will cooperate with other states to ensure that, where government is too clogged up in bureacracy and red tape, all the states cooperate at the root level.

(Claps.)

Furthermore, I will increase the number of police on the streets to ensure all citizens are safe from crime. So I will not only make life more fair and just for the people of this district, I will also make it safer.

(Claps and cheers.)

Now, where is the money going to come from you ask? Well, since this is a fictional election I can basically imagine that I’m stinking rich. Real filthy rich. So I’m gonna pay for all these things privately. Cos that’s the kind of guy I am.

(Applause.)

Thank you, Cleveland! Thank you, Ohio! And most of all, thank YOU!

(Michael Z points to the audience.)

(Applause.)

(Balloons go flying and all that stuff. Michael Z stays onstage, smiling and waving at the audience and looking really really statesman-like in the process...)

[Gustaf]

Lol, you're not only a man of the people, you're also rich enough to privately finance all your election promises?

[Nation]

Now imagine that speech would one of those sexy British accents -- I might just faint myself.


<a few chants of "increase airport security!" were heard from a moderately sized group that just flew in from Boston's Logan Airport, where the individuals checking the bags were yapping about "The Apprentice" instead of actually checking them. .">

[Nation]

Oh, and wonderful choice of music Mr. Z -- might I reccomend some Morrissey or The Beautiful South at any future campaign stops?

[MAS117]

All DISTRICT 2 CITIZENS RALLY AROUND MIKE Z!

[Michael Z]

*** MICHAEL Z CAMPAIGN AD ***

(Music: Beethoven's Piano Concerto No 4. Various grainy black and white photographs of a small child with his parents, in a cowboy costume, holding a baseball bat, etc.)

Voice Over: Michael Z was an all-American child from an all-American neighbourhood in rural Pennsylvania. (Or maybe he grew up in a small suburb in England, whichever one makes you more likely to vote for him.)

(Cue shot of Michael Z walking through a cornfield towards the camera)

Michael Z: Hi, I’m Michael Z. As Senator I would increase funding in education and healthcare, and also ensure that citizens can have a life save from the evils of crime and terrorism. My opponent Reaganfan wants to spend most state resources on polls over whether you think Rick Santorum would make a great President.

(Fade to several really clumsily cut-together speeches by Reaganfan...)

Reaganfan: "...outsourcing..."

Reaganfan: "...good..."

Reaganfan: "...more jobs..."

Reaganfan: "...bad..."

Voice-Over: Can you trust a man like Reaganfan? Vote Michael Z for Senator.

(Dissolve to Michael Z saluting to Stars and Stripes, the music playing in the background being, erm, Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now by The Smiths…?!)

Voice-Over: What the hell is that?! Change the music! Now!

(Music stops abruptly. Then some Irish folk music starts playing.)

Voice in distant background: Sorry, it’s the best I could find.

Voice-Over: Hmph. That’s the last time we’ll let Of_thisnation decide on the campaign music. Anyway, Vote Michael Z!

Hasty voice-over: Paid for and endorsed by the AFDNC. (Unless Reaganfan sues, then it's paid for and endorsed by no-one.)

[Nation]

Vote Z, or he'll break your knee!

[Filuwaúrdjan]

"I'd like to offer my full endorsement to Micheal Z's campaign"

P.Ollrigger
CEO, Diehard Voting Machines inc

[© tweed]

CNN Breaking News:

AFDNC Chairman has put $15.7 million of AFDNC soft money into Michael Z's senate campaign.  This is more money than all of the other senate races combined.

[JohnFKennedy]

CNN Breaking News:

AFDNC Chairman has put $15.7 million of AFDNC soft money into Michael Z's senate campaign.  This is more money than all of the other senate races combined.

Is this because you like Michael or because you REALLY dislike Reaganfan?

[© tweed]

CNN Breaking News:

AFDNC Chairman has put $15.7 million of AFDNC soft money into Michael Z's senate campaign.  This is more money than all of the other senate races combined.

Is this because you like Michael or because you REALLY dislike Reaganfan?

no comment.

[Huckleberry Finn]

Huckleberry Finn support Michael Z!

[Michael Z]

Larry King: And I have with me Democratic Candidate Michael Z for Senate. Welcome to the show, Mr. Z.

Michael Z: Thank you for having me.

Larry King: Now, let me get straight to the point. About your speech in Cleveland...

Michael Z: Yes.

Larry King: You addressed several issues there...

Michael Z: That's correct.

Larry King: Now, I assume you have just seen Reaganfan's speech in DC...

Michael Z: I have indeed.

Larry King: What did you make of it?

Michael Z: Well, what do you expect. Cheap digs at my personality and a bland use of semantics. Hardly anything constructive whatsoever. Negative campaigning. Most of the speech was just about what I'd do wrong, but at no point did Reaganfan actually address what he would do as Senator. And you know why, Larry?

Larry King: I'm sure I can guess the answer, but go ahead.

Michael Z: Because he has nothing to address! Well, nothing positive at least. All Reaganfan can talk about is how "poorer" isn't a word. And then mock my speech when I took the courtesy to congratulate him on his personal strengths, and get an easy laugh that way. Is this the kind of level we are willing to stoop to in politics? Is this what politics has become in the 21st century? I talk about giving something to the people, Larry. I talk about real issues. I talk about education, healthcare, crime. I talk about freedom. I talk about hope.

Larry King: Well, now let's move on to another subject... the recent $16 million funds installed by the AFDNC. This makes you the highest paid Senate candidate in Atlas history!

Michael Z: Indeed.

Larry King: Why do you think Boss Tweed granted you this, frankly, HUGE amount in finances?

Michael Z: I would assume it's because he has every faith in me as candidate.

Larry King: Nothing else? No backroom deals?

Michael Z: How dare you even suggest such a thing. I am disappointed in you, Larry.

Larry King: Well, forgive me for asking, but there have been rumours, especially with regards to you missing the deadli...

Michael Z: Larry, I've been over this a million times. I had a private exchange with Boss Tweed on the 13th March this year in which we had discussed the possibility of me running for Senate.

Larry King: Well, I'm sure you did, but...

Michael Z: I shall have no more questions on this matter! Larry, please. I came here to talk about the issues that matter to people! And all you do is Reaganfan this, deadlines that. Can we talk about something important? Please?

Larry King: Well, some people would regard this as rather impor...

Michael Z: Why won't you let me finish my sentence?

Larry King: But...

Michael Z: Ladies and gentlemen, this man won't let me speak.

Larry King: Sigh. We'll be right back after this.

[PBrunsel]

Populist speech. Seems the opposite of many of my speeches!

[Michael Z]

Larry King: And we're back with Mr. Z. Any comments?

Michael Z: Yes, Larry. It's ironic PBrunel should describe my speech as populist, since Reaganfan's speech in Shanksville was one of the most blatant acts of populism I've ever witnessed. Using the tragedy of 9/11 to gain political plus points.

Larry King: Anything else?

Michael Z: Indeed. Reaganfan obviously paid little or no attention to my speech, in which he chose to ignore me carefully laying out plans to strengthen the police force and airline control. If he thinks I have no interest in combating terrorism then he's very wrong indeed. I would actually strengthen our resolve by ensuring more direct state contol and relieving federal government from the sort of confusing bureaucracy and red tape that enabled the perpreators of 9/11 to escape the law in the first place. As for the comment about people being blown up, well, next to being utterly wrong because I never actually said anything about him only paying attention to terrorism, I actually commended him on directing attention to the subject, well, it's a shame he is willing to stoop this low, it really is.

Larry King: We'll be back after this.

[Reaganfan]

Bogus as for what you say about me.

[Nation]

The Maryland voters patiently await the arrival of Michael Z's campaign van -- er, bus. campaign bus. There will be a party at the press sec's house -- freshly baked cookies and a good sound system for the highly anticipated speech.

Maryland for Z!

[PBrunsel]

I never get cookies where I go! *sob*

[Nation]

That's cause us Marylanders got hospitality. You stop by, we won't like your policies at all, and we'll ridicule you behind your back and stump you with logical questions, but we WILL give you cookies. Good ones, too. Not that crap store-bought stuff.

[PBrunsel]

I will be stopping by Baltimore, so make the cookies.

[YRABNNRM]

I never get cookies where I go! *sob*

There's a plate waiting for you at the AFRNC headquarters

[MAS117]

I'm appointing myself Chairman of the Micheal Z campgain in NJ.