Is monogamy becoming an underrated value in our society?

[Mad Deadly Worldwide Communist Gangster Computer God]

Well?

[Napoleon]

I believe in monogamy and favor it for my relationships. But I voted no, because I don't think monogamy should be considered superior to any other form of relationship. Monogamy is a preference, not a value imo.

[Bacon King]

I believe in monogamy and favor it for my relationships. But I voted no, because I don't think monogamy should be considered superior to any other form of relationship. Monogamy is a preference, not a value imo.

^^^^^

I largely agree with this, but my experience with "non-traditional" styles of relationships has generally been very positive. I suppose I still favor monogamy but it's not a big deal to me either way.

[Mad Deadly Worldwide Communist Gangster Computer God]

A wise man once said: "the emotional bond between two lovers is a much stronger one than between f**k buddies, and only matched by the bond between parent and child."

[True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자)]

I believe in monogamy and favor it for my relationships. But I voted no, because I don't think monogamy should be considered superior to any other form of relationship. Monogamy is a preference, not a value imo.

Something does not compute.

To be fair, our culture has changed towards favoring serial monogamy instead of life-long monogamy.

[Kitteh]

Monogamy no.

Long-term romantic commitment (between two or more people, with or without sexual exclusivity) very very much yes.

[fezzyfestoon]

I'm very intrigued by relationship based societal conversations. It's obviously hard to categorize complex, diverse personal experiences, but I do think monogamy is overall losing its standing and undeservedly so. I also think there are a lot of factors at play and a lot of positives and negatives at play. Things like selfishness, self-righteousness, self-absorption, laziness, and shallowness rapidly gaining ground leads to a fickle, individualistic society that values others' needs far, far less. I think that also leads to people being more reluctant to commit to anyone who doesn't share their exact priorities, which is impossible. At the same time, the positives of being more honest about those things being in play make for fewer cases of forced monogamy for the sake of monogamy...and that just makes for an unhealthy relationship. I don't really know, there's a lot to think about and a lot that no one can be sure about, so who really knows?

[Napoleon]

I believe in monogamy and favor it for my relationships. But I voted no, because I don't think monogamy should be considered superior to any other form of relationship. Monogamy is a preference, not a value imo.

Something does not compute.

To be fair, our culture has changed towards favoring serial monogamy instead of life-long monogamy.

Ok. Monogamy in the modern context is what I was referring to. I don't mind open relationships but I lose interest quickly that way. The idea of having only one partner for a lifetime is out of the question.

[Lief 🗽]

• ur culture has changed towards favoring serial monogamy instead of life-long monogamy.

Yeah this, which is fine.

[Beet]

I voted yes, but I think fezzy is correct.

There are winners and losers in this change, and I am/would be (a non-conventionally attractive male) one of the losers.

I also fear polygamy because I think it'll lead to a lot of single-wealthy/powerful male : multiple female relationships, and I think this'll merely reinforce and strengthen social hierarchies. In a truly post-patriarchal / post-materialist society there would be nothing wrong with polygamous relationships except for practical difficulties (e.g., who gets what in divorce) but the older I get, the farther I perceive our society from being to that ideal, and I simply fear that polygamy will be abused and become the marketization of personal relationships. If I live until my 60s I fear I'll be one of those old fogies analogous to those older people today who cling to opposition to gay marriage.

But it's also a good point that forcing previously established conventions to continue when the socio-economic basis for them is eroded is difficult. The established pattern of these things tend to be that they are judged on their own terms, so polygamy will probably gradually become popular, and those of us that see major problems in the implications and abuse of the practice will just have another weight on our shoulders to reform the 'new' system and make it more just and humane.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Yes. Preferably strict, lifelong monogamy, removing only the morally irrelevant variable of gender.

[opebo]

No, monogamy is probably the single most overrated value in our society.

[muon2]

I believe in monogamy and favor it for my relationships. But I voted no, because I don't think monogamy should be considered superior to any other form of relationship. Monogamy is a preference, not a value imo.

Something does not compute.

To be fair, our culture has changed towards favoring serial monogamy instead of life-long monogamy.

Ok. Monogamy in the modern context is what I was referring to. I don't mind open relationships but I lose interest quickly that way. The idea of having only one partner for a lifetime is out of the question.

This would seem to imply that "serial monogamy" only extends the period before one loses interest compared to an open relationship. As someone who just celebrated his 25th anniversary (longer with three years of dating), I found that there have been many ways to maintain interest over a lifetime, but it does take a certain amount of work from both partners. There are benefits for that work, too. I have a wide range of interests and with the stability of a partner to share them, it gives me more freedom to explore new interests outside a relationship.

[traininthedistance]

I'm actually somewhat conservative in my personal tastes here- I think monogamy is a good thing for me, and I'm really only interested in sex when in the context of a committed relationship.  Obviously this does not mean I'm about to sign on with anything the social conservatives say- no where in "long-term committed relationship" should it specify "straight" or "married", furthermore I think there is great value in trying to gain experience with a variety of people before one settles down for good (otherwise you might not really be able to tell you're actually compatible for the long haul).  And so-called "morals" aint got nothin' to do with it: if you find more satisfaction in sleeping around, who am I to judge? 

As for polyamory/polygamy, the main argument against it is practical- I had quite a few poly friends in poly relationships in college, and from everything I've seen it's pretty much impossible to make work- jealousy has a way of inevitably seeping in.  They all ended badly.  And the contract law problems one would run into if trying to formally legalize plural marriage are quite thorny. 

Basically, I'm a believer in serial monogamy when young, and you still are trying to figure out what your tastes and needs are (and need to get experience), then hopefully trying to find someone for the long haul- but without moral approbation if things go unsalvageably wrong. 

[Napoleon]

I believe in monogamy and favor it for my relationships. But I voted no, because I don't think monogamy should be considered superior to any other form of relationship. Monogamy is a preference, not a value imo.

Something does not compute.

To be fair, our culture has changed towards favoring serial monogamy instead of life-long monogamy.

Ok. Monogamy in the modern context is what I was referring to. I don't mind open relationships but I lose interest quickly that way. The idea of having only one partner for a lifetime is out of the question.

This would seem to imply that "serial monogamy" only extends the period before one loses interest compared to an open relationship. As someone who just celebrated his 25th anniversary (longer with three years of dating), I found that there have been many ways to maintain interest over a lifetime, but it does take a certain amount of work from both partners. There are benefits for that work, too. I have a wide range of interests and with the stability of a partner to share them, it gives me more freedom to explore new interests outside a relationship.

First, congratulations on your anniversary! Being able to maintain a marriage, a successful career, and still have time here for us is impressive.

I did not mean to imply that I (I can't speak for others here) lose interest in monogamous relationships as easily as I would an open relationship. I totally could see myself staying with only one person for the rest of my life if its the right lady. But to get there, I tend to reject the Christian idealized monogamy- waiting until marriage for sex and remaining married for life. I don't see that as too realistic for a majority of people. I've been in open relationships and like BK, its fun but I tend to lose interest. The connection isn't built the same and it just feels different. There's a certain level of trust, I think, that is built through the dedication a monogamous relationship requires. To that extent, I support serial monogamy but I don't think "serial monogamy" is the end goal, simply a means to a more permanent end.

[© tweed]

in the sense that it is overly cool to fly in the face of it, which falls under the umbrella of dissent being confined to socioeconomically irrelevant categories of behavior.

[memphis]

Yes. Preferably strict, lifelong monogamy, removing only the morally irrelevant variable of gender.

Why should people feel compelled to remain in a relationship that is making them miserable until the day one partner drops dead? People don't just separate/divorce for the hell of it. Being in a bad relationship is the most stressful, unhealthy thing ever. There's nothing moral about it.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Yes. Preferably strict, lifelong monogamy, removing only the morally irrelevant variable of gender.

Why should people feel compelled to remain in a relationship that is making them miserable until the day one partner drops dead? People don't just separate/divorce for the hell of it. Being in a bad relationship is the most stressful, unhealthy thing ever. There's nothing moral about it.

That's why I said 'preferably', as opposed to leaving it unqualified. I would hope that a generalized expectation of strict lifelong monogamy would make people approach their romantic and sexual choices with more consideration and further vision, but obviously mistakes and tragedies will still happen, in many of which cases continued enforcement of said expectation could become unduly cruel. My beliefs aren't that disconnected from the reality most people seem to experience.

[Lief 🗽]

Why is life-long monogamy preferable to short-term monogamy?

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

I think fezzy has it about right. These days, people are looking for that "perfect" person that embodies their greatest fantasies, and when he cannot find that person, they move on. It is far different that generations before us.

I would much prefer a monogamous relationship myself, because I do value building a relationship with someone who knows, understands and values me and vice versa, and all the intimate stuff that goes along with that is far better than casual things, but I understand the other viewpoint and often wonder if we can truly be monogamous anymore, and whether putting the time into a relationship only when it will fail is worth it.

Yes. Preferably strict, lifelong monogamy, removing only the morally irrelevant variable of gender.

Why should people feel compelled to remain in a relationship that is making them miserable until the day one partner drops dead? People don't just separate/divorce for the hell of it. Being in a bad relationship is the most stressful, unhealthy thing ever. There's nothing moral about it.

No one should. But people breaking up these days is much higher than in the past, and the reasons are much more self-centered than they once were. People used to work things out, work together and fix problems. Now, they just call their attorney and file for divorce.

Let me be clear: some breakups are warranted. Emotional and physical abuse do play a role, and no one should stay in relationships like that. But I have trouble understanding when a couple just ends a marriage when they hit a rough patch because one partner doesn't make them happy anymore or doesn't have enough money, etc. It's just annoying. Far too often now, people expect perfection out of relationships because of what we see on TV or movies, and when that "love story" fails, they get out.

Girls are the worst when it comes to this. They all want to love a story like The Notebook or whatever, and if that doesn't happen, they grow flaky. Part of the reason my ex and I broke up after 2 and a half years was distance and because her perfect love story was falling apart. She did not want to work on it or try to work through the distance, which was temporary, and instead just wanted to end it.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Why is life-long monogamy preferable to short-term monogamy?

Off the top of my head, because succeeding at something, especially something supposedly difficult, for a long time is more impressive than succeeding at it for a short time. There are other, frankly much more important, reasons, too--pertaining to loyalty, stability, continuity, emotional and social discipline, persistence, trust, the need for roots, and so on--but that's the one that's likeliest to amaze one's friends and confound one's enemies.

[Napoleon]

Why is life-long monogamy preferable to short-term monogamy?

Off the top of my head, because succeeding at something, especially something supposedly difficult, for a long time is more impressive than succeeding at it for a short time. There are other, frankly much more important, reasons, too--pertaining to loyalty, stability, continuity, emotional and social discipline, persistence, trust, the need for roots, and so on--but that's the one that's likeliest to amaze one's friends and confound one's enemies.

You're operating under the assumption that monogamy is more difficult than other forms of relationships and I'm not sure that I'd agree with that. One could make an argument that monogamy is actually easier- as you said, trust, stability, etc. all make maintaining a relationship easier in some ways.

[King]

Who has the moral high-ground: a polygamist who married five wives for a period of fifty years or a monogamist who married and divorced five times over a period of fifty years?

The answer is that if we don't repent soon men will be consummating relations with their cattle.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Why is life-long monogamy preferable to short-term monogamy?

Off the top of my head, because succeeding at something, especially something supposedly difficult, for a long time is more impressive than succeeding at it for a short time. There are other, frankly much more important, reasons, too--pertaining to loyalty, stability, continuity, emotional and social discipline, persistence, trust, the need for roots, and so on--but that's the one that's likeliest to amaze one's friends and confound one's enemies.

You're operating under the assumption that monogamy is more difficult than other forms of relationships and I'm not sure that I'd agree with that. One could make an argument that monogamy is actually easier- as you said, trust, stability, etc. all make maintaining a relationship easier in some ways.

Sorry, I should have been clearer--I don't think it actually is more difficult or particularly difficult or burdensome at all, but the society that we--at least those of us who are young and move and mostly liberal social circles--live in seems to, hence 'supposedly'. My motivations for giving that answer were I admit somewhat snide and effected by the disconsolate and unproductive day I've had so far.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

I would argue monogamy is much easier. You know what to expect, when and how to expect it, and what the outcome might be. When you deal with tons of people, hard telling what you will get. It is far stressful for me to be single than to be in a relationship.