The Comedy Goldmine

[Tender Branson]

In b4 "decimals "

Decimals

[Napoleon]

*pulls face off* I'm 20RP12.

Wow, nice job, Carl.

I never guessed it, but I can't say I'm surprised.

[Mechaman]

Best post in history:

2008
Al Smith had won a bruising primary campaign against former Clinton Secretary of State William G. McAdoo. McAdoo, a moderate and ally of the former administration, had long been favored to win the nomination given establishment and DLC backing. However, his centrist stances, combined with the Smith call for "change" eventually won over a coalition of urban, working class, Catholic, and activist voters, complete with double wins in Iowa and New Hampshire. While McAdoo struck back in the South, it would be Smith who eventually claimed the nomination. Choosing Senator Joe Biden of Delaware to give himself experience, it was hoped that the Democratic ticket could shift the Republican tide for good.

Governor Alfred E. Smith of New York
Former Secretary of the Treasury William G. McAdoo of California

However, it was not to be. While the Democrats' activists had won out in the primary, it would be the Republican establishment that controlled the GOP's nomination contest. Combining moderate and liberal Republicans with "common sense" and fiscal conservatives, as well as heavy backing from nationally known figures, John McCain would triumph over Bush favorite former Governor Frank Lowden of Illinois. In order to rejuvenate the base, expand on his "maverick" image, and appeal to women, McCain chose the fresh face Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska.

Senator John S. McCain, III of Arizona
Former Governor Frank O. Lowden of Illinois
Senator James Eli Watsen of Indiana

The campaign would be brutal, however, Republicans would take the early advantage. Lambasting the Empire State Governor as a "Papist" who wanted to decriminalize marijuana, sell out the nation to Rome, ease up on illegal immigrants, and "surrender" in America's wars overseas, Smith soon found his polling numbers falling. While McCain's running mate went on the attack, the Arizona Senator portrayed himself as an above-the-fray statesman, touting his maverick and even "progressive" record during the last eight years in the Senate. McCain promised to revitalize American infrastructure, raise tariffs to protect America's domestic industry, lower the deficit, and ease up on things such as the Bush-era ban on stem cell research. Being hailed by some as the "true face of change" in the election--as opposed to Smith--McCain's numbers would soar. With rumors escaping that Smith wasn't even born in America and in fact was from Ireland, as well as citing alleged radical affiliations to socialist groups and the IRA, the Democratic ticket was doomed. On election day, McCain would be elected in a landslide against Smith, who only took the heavily Catholic states of Massachusetts and Rhode Island, the liberal Hawaii, Washington DC, and the Deep South. Pollsters and political scientists would credit Smith's victories in the South for a two reasons: the McCain campaign's alienation of blacks as well as conservative disenfranchisement due to McCain's victory over Lowden. Some would as well theorize that, given the moderate McCain campaign, the South chose instead to swing back to its Democratic roots, much in the same way the North had for the Republicans.

Senator John S. McCain, III (R-AZ)/Governor Sarah Palin (R-AK) 462 electoral votes, 58.22% of the popular vote
Governor Alfred E. Smith (D-NY)/Senator Joseph R. Biden (D-DE) 76 electoral votes, 40.79% of the popular vote
Mr. Ralph Nader (I-CT)/Mr. Matthew Gonzalez (I-CA) 0 electoral votes, .73% of the popular vote
Others: 0 electoral votes, .26% of the popular vote

While McCain was riding high his first few months in, the stock market crash of '09 would doom his presidency. While his administration blamed Clinton and Bush policies for the failure, the American public reacted against the incumbent. Smith's successor as Governor, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., would beat him as well as House Speaker John Nance Garner for the Democratic nomination. Kennedy/Garner would win against McCain/Palin in a landslide in the 2012 presidential election. Smith, bitter with his defeat and disaffected by the Democrats in general, would take a swing to the right and endorse Kansas Governor Sam Brownback in the 2016 election.

[badgate]

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

From Wikipedia:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

[LeBron]

You'd be better at interviews if everything you talked about wasn't pop.

"What do you bring to our company?"
"Some kind of mild addictive personality disorder."
"What drew you to apply for this position?"
"You have a Coke machine."
"Do you have reliable transportation?"
"I'm constantly nursing a mild caffeine high to make up for my physical inadequacies."
"What does that even mean?"
"I'm not far. I can walk."

By the way, I envision (there's no word I can think of for hearing you in my head, so envision will do in lieu of making something up like enhear) you saying the word "pop" in the most irritatingly familiar way. Really drawn out. Paaawwwp. I'm addicted to pawwp, maaawm. Sprite? No thaaaaynks.

xD

[Sopranos Republican]

I love how the South pretends to be patriotic then flagrantly spits in the face of our victory over the traitors in 1865. Pathetic pieces of anti-nationalist turd.

[Paul Kemp]

These made me lol...

instead of suport bush, naslow suport reagan

honestly, it's how he gets username

Year 1791

Joel Repablic makes risks game

Thmu94 wins Turn 1 because only 13 states

[The world will shine with light in our nightmare]

1988:

Okay this is big, It has appeared that Paul Tsongas, Michael Dukakis, and John Kerry all have conspired to a dreaded scandal that will possibly wreak the Democratic Committee; Apparently Senator Tsongas, Governor Dukakis, and Senator Kerry have accepted bribes for delegate votes! And Senator Tsongas apparently aggreed to bribes to have an extramarital affair with another person while his real wife, who currently has skin, leg, and lung cancer. (spoiler: She lives, and converts to be a "Born again" Christian.) Governor Dukakis, when notified of this, he had a press confrence and said something so innapropreate, no one ever thought he would say such a thing. So now the only people left in the candidacy is Clinton, Gore, and Biden.

[Napoleon]

On the other hand, if someone replaces your signature with an image of a circuit board, you're definitely dealing with a classic mod-squad hatchet job.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Context:

...it was, in fact, dickish behavior.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

FFs because I am one.
Jesus supported social justice in his time.
Democrats support social justice.
Therefore, Jesus would support Democrats.
It's simple logic.

'Social justice' means different things to different people.

Social justice is social justice. A=A. This is a very simple logical law.

Does the Catholic Church's Magisterium mean the same set of issues when it says 'social justice' as such-and-such dot tumblr dot com means when it says 'social justice'?

They are different in practice, but they ultimately mean the same thing.

See, the thing is, A=A is a very simple logical law, but it's not always true of the way people actually use language, so...

I don't know what you're getting at.

'Social justice' means different things to different people.

My retort to that was while their 'social justice' takes different forms, both are, at the core, the same thing.

Your retort didn't really help because it didn't explain how the Democratic Party has a monopoly on that core, as opposed to just certain manifestations of it.

The Democrats do have a monopoly, though. A good gage of the social justice scene is tumblr and when tumblr only supports one party it is the social justice party. There are no republican demisexuals for a reason.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

It could just be because I'm laughing or crying at everything and nothing right now, but I thought there was something lightly funny about this whole series of posts:

Mr. Ron 95%-of-the-black-males-in-D.C.-are-semi-criminal-or-entirely-criminal Paul? That's interesting.

Wrong Paul, genius.

Rong Paul.

It is technically Lew Rockwell, actually.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Bob Dole.

[Napoleon]

I'd much rather have a son who does things like drive over 300 miles all over rural roads in a 12 hour span until 9 in the morning or take a bus to a city to arrive right before 9AM again and yet leave at 9PM to back home or wander around high crime areas at 2AM or get off work because of extreme cold conditions and thus drive to a place 100 miles away to walk around in -50F windchills to get to hard to reach portals or have a wife who also plays and a kid who they're willing to wake up at 2AM and take out to their car in subzero windchills, strap into a car seat, and then drive over 40 miles away to take out a megafield and then come back home than someone who has a Bushie lifestyle, which is essentially the polar opposite.

But of course I'm biased.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Actually, the Republican Party is dominated by the JBS and hard-right pro-segregation anarcho-capitalists, while the Democratic Party is full of Marxist Muslims who want to impose Sharia Law and ban Christianity (and Christmas zomg!!).

[Oakvale]

I'm going to assume western Ukraine is more fiscally conservative, and eastern Ukraine is more socially conservative?

[Snowstalker Mk. II]

I'm going to assume western Ukraine is more fiscally conservative, and eastern Ukraine is more socially conservative?

Western Ukraine is fiscally conservative but socially liberal whereas eastern Ukraine is split between constitutional conservatives, bold progressive voices, and straight-talking mavericks with independent streaks a mile wide. Geopolitics 101, my friend.

[President Tyrion]

I've got some determination in my loins and fire in my belly. 

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

I thought Bushie wanted to discourage determination on the part of his loins.

[Antonio the Sixth]

I'm going to assume western Ukraine is more fiscally conservative, and eastern Ukraine is more socially conservative?

Western Ukraine is fiscally conservative but socially liberal whereas eastern Ukraine is split between constitutional conservatives, bold progressive voices, and straight-talking mavericks with independent streaks a mile wide. Geopolitics 101, my friend.

Thanks,

Yanukovych was thought to be one of the straight-talking mavericks, but turned out to be more of a PORINO.

[Mr. Morden]

I'm going to assume western Ukraine is more fiscally conservative, and eastern Ukraine is more socially conservative?

Western Ukraine is fiscally conservative but socially liberal whereas eastern Ukraine is split between constitutional conservatives, bold progressive voices, and straight-talking mavericks with independent streaks a mile wide. Geopolitics 101, my friend.

Thanks,

Yanukovych was thought to be one of the straight-talking mavericks, but turned out to be more of a PORINO.

Too bad he won't be running for another term, or we might have seen a good "demon sheep" ad used against him. 

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

atlas foram during brelin airlift

"west brelin more fiscal consrevative, east brelin more soshal consrevative?"

[Napoleon]

Tweed is gone?  What did he get bounced for?

He left because opebo was banned.  First he said he canceled his subscription, then shortly after he announced he was done.

Ah.  Well, as I did not notice his absence, I guess I must vote no.

I do remember him, though.  He and I used to be the same age back when I first started posting.  Now he's like 20 years younger than I am.  I'll never forget that.  Clever boy, he is.