Gay

[Inmate Trump]

I realize several of you "old timers" on the board already know that I'm gay.  For those of you who are newer, or who I've never communicated with (I don't hang around much anymore), now you know also.

I'm 27, but when I was 17, I "came out" to my parents.  I say it like that because I didn't do it on purpose--they found out.  I was out late one night, and my parents were worried about me and (for some reason) thought I was on drugs, so they went into my bedroom while I was out looking for said drugs (never done a drug in my life, fyi), and instead found a letter and some gifts my boyfriend at the time had given me.  Needless to say, me coming from a very religious upbringing, they freaked out and confronted me as soon as I got home.  They put me in therapy for half a year, and controlled nearly every aspect of my life until I graduated.  They threatened to send me away to military school, or to switch to a totally different school altogether, and even threatened to send me to live with my grandparents who lived about 2.5 hours away.  At one point, my mom told me it would've been easier for them if they had found I was on drugs than to have found out I was gay.  I know there are worse horror stories out there than mine, but I've always been close with my parents, especially my mom, and it was very traumatic.  I went thru a long period trying to change it to make them happy, but it didn't do anything but cost my own happiness.

Our relationship is better now, but they don't mention the fact that I'm gay and they constantly hound me about "meeting the right girl," and having children, etc.  They know I'm gay.  They know I used to hate it, and tried to change it (failed since it's not something that can be changed).  Hell, I still have issues with it sometimes.

Anyway....my point for this thread is that I'm planning to come out to them again.  I may be a little old for that now, but they were so unaccepting the first time, and it was pretty much thrown at them, that I haven't made it an issue up until now.  There can be no threats now.  The only thing I'm worried about is losing them for good this time.  Anyone have any advice on how to approach it this time around?  To make it trickier, I want to tell my sister as well, who is EXTREMELY religious and will likely be even more freaked out about it than my parents were. 

[Swing low, sweet chariot. Comin' for to carry me home.]

your mother and father are idiots.  Did Jesus ever freak out over sin?  No.

[Thomas D]

Wow. My story is very similar to yours.

Is there a more open minded person in your family you could talk this over with first before you go to your parents/sister?

[Torie]

Unbelievable. Yes, I believe it, but the conduct of the parents I really find hard to fathom. How can parents be that cruel and ignorant, and self destructive?  

Anyway, I would write a letter to everyone (no oral chit chat, that is too ephemeral, and you don't have enough control over the exact content and coloration of the message), and send it by snail mail. In a nice way, I would explain just who I am, that I think what I am doing works for me, I'm happy, and either accept me as I am, or let me be - leave me alone in peace, and I shall do the same to you, and maybe someday the wounds will heal, and we can converse civilly again, and treat each other as adults, capable of making their own choices.  Until then, all the best.

It is a strong letter, civil, more in sorrow than in anger, and communicates the message that all resistance is futile, and to carry on this battle, will result in but one loser, and it is not you. That is the subtext.

Being strong and courageous in a firm and well thought out manner, usually pays dividends. It certainly has for me.

Good luck!

PS: Oh, that is what my Dad did when the chips were really down on a familial matter. He put it in writing. It is a good habit to get into.

[tmthforu94]

Clay, I think it would be best to calmly bring it into the conversation. Let them know how you feel, and that though you've tried to "change" yourself, it hasn't worked. Hopefully they will be understanding. I'd suggest also asking for them to pray for you at the end, so they can feel like they're helping.

[Swing low, sweet chariot. Comin' for to carry me home.]

your mother and father are idiots.  Did Jesus ever freak out over sin?  No.

Your posts are really making us Christians look bad. Really bad.

why, because I don't freak out over sin and because I believe in the power of God?

[tmthforu94]

your mother and father are idiots.  Did Jesus ever freak out over sin?  No.

Your posts are really making us Christians look bad. Really bad.

why, because I don't freak out over sin and because I believe in the power of God?

I edited it out. Sorry, I misread your post completely.

[Grumpier Than Uncle Joe]

If you lose them forever, they weren't worth having.  Harsh, but true.  You can love your parents but hate almost everything they stand for, trust me on that, my friend.  

I like Torie's advice here, since talking to them will likely end up being a heated argument with everyone upset, mostly you.

Good luck, and be true to yourself always.

Best,

GM

[Swing low, sweet chariot. Comin' for to carry me home.]

your mother and father are idiots.  Did Jesus ever freak out over sin?  No.

Your posts are really making us Christians look bad. Really bad.

why, because I don't freak out over sin and because I believe in the power of God?

I edited it out. Sorry, I misread your post completely.

what did you think I said?

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

your mother and father are idiots.

Now, that was extremelly mean.

[Inmate Trump]

Is there a more open minded person in your family you could talk this over with first before you go to your parents/sister?

....Not really.  My aunt maybe.  She's not religious, but she's pretty conservative.  Even if she were open about it, we aren't that close.

Anyway, I would write a letter to everyone (no oral chit chat, that is too ephemeral, and you don't have enough control over the exact content and coloration of the message), and send it by snail mail. In a nice way, I would explain just who I am, that I think what I am doing works for me, I'm happy, and either accept me as I am, or let me be - leave me alone in peace, and I shall do the same to you, and maybe someday the wounds will heal, and we can converse civilly again, and treat each other as adults, capable of making their own choices.  Until then, all the best.

I may actually do it that way.  Thanks for the suggestion.

[Sam Spade]

Just let it go.  Pressing the issue is no reason to create even more unhappiness for you and for your family (which it will).  Maybe Torie's suggestion of a letter will work, but I'm not so sure.

Without knowing your entire situation, are you separate from them financially?  If so, then you should (1) really let it go or (2) tell them and be willing to accept the possibility that they'll shut you out of their life permanently - you have to be emotionally ready for that.

If you are not separate from them financially, you should aim for creating a situation for yourself where you are not reliant on them in this way, otherwise you could be shoved again into the same bad situation as you were 17.

Perhaps as the supposed gay-hater role I play with a certain amount of seriousness in the points I make sometimes, I can tell you this with some honesty.  Your parents and your sister would prefer you being gay and not knowing a whit about it, your lifestyle or even the fact that you are, as opposed to knowing about it and more importantly, throwing it in their faces. 

Always remember that, unless, of course, you don't really care about your relationship with them emotionally.

[Inmate Trump]

Just let it go......

I understand what you're saying, but I already have let it ago for 10 years, and several years before that.  It's not something I want to keep hiding from them.  I don't want to be 40 and have them still wondering why I don't have a wife, at which point they'll probably assume the truth anyway.  If I can't be who I am around them, then what's the point of having a family in the first place?  I'm not going to be shoving it their faces; it's not like I'm going to be parading myself in drag at every family reunion.

I simply want them to know and accept it.

[Thomas D]

I disagree with parts of what Sam has said.

You should tell them. At some point you'll meet a great guy and you'll want to introduce him to the people who are important to you. You don't want to ignore the topic and then in a few years they get a wedding invitation from you and you're marrying someone named Steve. That's not fair to them. Or you. Or Steve.

[Ban my account ffs!]

I think Torie's advice was very good.  You want to be able to control the "conversation" so they don't try to derail it, even if they have the best intentions.

You should make it clear that no amount of religion or therapy is going to change who you are and all it does is make you loathe yourself and your family.  Tell them to contact you when they are ready. 

Tm's advice about asking them to pray for you is nice in that it makes them feel as if they're helping, but you don't need help.  I think you've come to terms with that and that is the whole point of you doing this all over again.  They've already "helped" enough.  It is clear they're in denial about your sexuality and it has been stuck in that phase.  It is time to give the healing process another kickstart.

[Sam Spade]

Just let it go......

I understand what you're saying, but I already have let it ago for 10 years, and several years before that.  It's not something I want to keep hiding from them.  I don't want to be 40 and have them still wondering why I don't have a wife, at which point they'll probably assume the truth anyway.  If I can't be who I am around them, then what's the point of having a family in the first place?  I'm not going to be shoving it their faces; it's not like I'm going to be parading myself in drag at every family reunion.

I simply want them to know and accept it.

We all have to make compromises.  I always urge compromise first and foremost before deciding to lay down the hammer.

Chances are that they already know and will never accept it.  While it's possible some other outcome is out there, I personally doubt it after what's already gone on.

Basically, what you have to ask yourself is whether you're willing (or want) to risk losing your family?  Are you there yet?  If you think so, go forward and stop asking anonymous people on the internets.  If not, then I'd consider the compromise.

If you want to do it the Torie way, that's fine but consider that the end result is unlikely to be much different if at all.

[Holmes]

You don't need to do anything you don't want to, even if you feel a "need".

[J-Mann]

I certainly understand the desire to be open with who you are, and that means that Sam's suggestion -- while valid -- would be much more destructive for you in the long run, given that you'd always be pretending, hiding who you really are and how you really feel.

But it really comes down to what you're more comfortable with -- are you OK with being secretive around your family for the rest of your life and ignoring what is likely becoming a bigger and bigger elephant in the room, or are you more comfortable with the possibility of angering them and possibly losing your relationship with them by telling them again? It's not an easy choice, and you're certainly not the first to face it.

I've chosen the former path ... I'm ultimately more comfortable with my family's ignorance (and thus, happiness) than desirous of my own clear conscience. That's not the bravest position in the world, but to each his own.

[Vepres]

That's probably the right thing to do.

Though I must say I really have no idea what the best option is, stories like yours are alien to me (if you knew anything about Boulder... ).

Just follow your conscious and everything will hopefully turn out for the best

[Torie]

My Dad wrote me a letter about the issue that he thought I might be trending gay, when I was about 18 (yes granted we were very close in some ways, and became much closer later, with a very deep emotional bond). I might as well disclose that, in this context. It was a few pages long, handwritten in cursive penmanship in a way few can master, including myself, anymore. He put a lot of thought into it.

So, anyway, I really think it is the right thing to do, and if well done, it conveys the message to your parents that you are a serious adult, fully capable of making adult decisions in a reasoned way.

And yes, try to pen the letter in cursive penmanship rather than type it out. It is more personal that way. That itself conveys a message. And of course photocopy it, and someday, maybe it will be useful to share it with the next generation or two of your clan.

[Torie]

Just let it go......

I understand what you're saying, but I already have let it ago for 10 years, and several years before that.  It's not something I want to keep hiding from them.  I don't want to be 40 and have them still wondering why I don't have a wife, at which point they'll probably assume the truth anyway.  If I can't be who I am around them, then what's the point of having a family in the first place?  I'm not going to be shoving it their faces; it's not like I'm going to be parading myself in drag at every family reunion.

I simply want them to know and accept it.

We all have to make compromises.  I always urge compromise first and foremost before deciding to lay down the hammer.

Chances are that they already know and will never accept it.  While it's possible some other outcome is out there, I personally doubt it after what's already gone on.

Basically, what you have to ask yourself is whether you're willing (or want) to risk losing your family?  Are you there yet?  If you think so, go forward and stop asking anonymous people on the internets.  If not, then I'd consider the compromise.

If you want to do it the Torie way, that's fine but consider that the end result is unlikely to be much different if at all.

It is more likely to engender respect Sam, unless the parents are hopeless sh**ts. Courage, done with some diplomacy, but courage, and firmness, and resolve, nonetheless, avoiding anger, pays big dividends in life. That is one "grand unified theory" I have come with experience, to really believe (in a rare exception to the rule, that in general, it is a fail).

[Fmr President & Senator Polnut]

Trending gay? Oook

But in my mind - you can only be who you are. You can't force them, it might never take... But that's their problem and their loss.

[J-Mann]

It is more likely to engender respect Sam, unless the parents are hopeless sh**ts. Courage, done with some diplomacy, but courage, and firmness, and resolve, nonetheless, avoiding anger, pays big dividends in life. That is one "grand unified theory" I have come with experience, to really believe (in a rare exception to the rule, that in general, it is a fail).

That really has to be Clay's assessment. Don't get me wrong, Torie, I agree with you -- I would like nothing more than to be the courageous, mature and serious adult that finally puts my foot down and becomes comfortable with who I am. But I have a feeling that the results of me coming out -- as a bisexual, no less (so there's half-a-hope for me) -- would bring far worse results than the ache that sometimes appears in the pit of my stomach from hiding who I am.

I actually think that most of my family would take the news quite well, or at least be fairly indifferent to it. However, I worry about one family member in particular who would react strongly ... possibly to the point of harming herself as a result of the news, particularly if she felt isolated in her opposition. No, it's not particularly easy to live with the secret sometimes, but I'd never be able to forgive myself if my desire to openly be who I am resulted in serious tragedy.

I can't be sure that would be the actual result. But the suspicion keeps me from coming out, and I've been relatively comfortable with that decision.

As for Clay -- only he knows the right answer, for sure, and I suspect that since he believes he should confront it openly once again, that he actually wants to do so, as well. And since it seems that his family's reaction could be unified, he may well be OK with the possibility of a severed relationship. And in that case, your solution is a rather elegant one.

[Torie]

Yes J-Mann, of course, the specific facts matter, and it is a very individual choice. I am assuming here that parents at bottom are reasonably decent folks. If they are not, that is too bad, and the choices are not good. I am also assuming that they are literate. Some folks have trouble reading and truly understanding texts.

Anyway, good point you made. And I hope that you work out your own issues - and it seems to me that you know that they need in due course to be worked out. I might suggest therapy if I had more confidence in therapists. Life is an adventure isn't it?  But for me, I find the challenges much of what makes it worth living. I take a certain joy in the struggle, at some rather deep primordial level. I understand that more about myself now.

[AndrewTX]

I agree with a lot of people here. It is a harsh reality, but if people cant accept who you are, they really arent worth having around. Being gay, straight, bi, isnt a choice. Its just who you are. If people just cant realize it, than it really isnt worth being irritated or annoyed of their frustration.