The Owl

[Filuwaúrdjan]

A Message from the Editor

I would like to welcome you, gentle reader, to the first issue of The Owl - a new satirical publication that will pull no punches and yet will, or so the Board hopes, be at least moderately amusing. Before you read on, several things must be made clear. First, The Owl is a reactionary publication on the issue of Forum Affairs - essentially we believe that things were done better once and would like to wind the clock back. Second, we are quite prepared to attack anyone and everyone. Attacks from The Owl ought not be seen as 'personal attacks' as we do not intend them to be so. If you have any complaints about anything The Owl writes about you, feel free to complain as loudly as it pleases you to do so. But, hey, this is supposed to be fun...

Politics

Midnight Raid on AASP Headquarters

An attempt to found a political party on the twin principles of drug consumption and statutary rape was last night thwarted by two Victorian Nannies (one short, a non-ironic fan of bad films and from Wisconsin, one laid-back, well-read and laughably Swedish). The Nannies raided the headquarters of the Atlasian Anti-Square Party (AASP) at the dead of night, destroyed their printing press and all AASP election literature, party by-laws and founding documents, before setting the building (a rented crack house in the Anacostia district of Nyman) alight. It is uncertain why they didn't just commit arson and leave it at that, but apparently the Swedish Nanny (who led the operation) wanted things done by the book - and he likes books. The leader of AASP promptly called a public meeting at which he and his followers cried their eyes out like the little girls they want to fuck wee bairns. Accusations of censorship were made, fingers were pointed at the the bad-film-loving Nanny and bitter tears were cried for the loss of so many beautiful new carpets. Eventually the Swedish Nanny appeared, claimed that he didn't care about the fact that AASP members "want to rape little girls", called the AASP "disgusting" and its members "stupid" before deciding that, as the leader of the AASP had said "sorry", he would allow the party to resume its entirely legitimate business elsewhere in the city. This, readers, is how they do things in Sweden.

Political News In Brief

*Inks has nominated himself as a candidate for the new position of Mideast Governer for Life.
*The PPT made a speech that we can't be bothered to read, though it was apparently held at the headquarters of an extremely boring criminal fraternity.
*Presidential candidate, and former Southeast Governor, Xahar is apparently in Hong Kong. This proves that he is unpatriotic and not fit to lead us into the New Decade.
*Vepres has been re-elected as Midwestern Village Idiot. He was, by far, the most qualified candidate.
*Kalwejt's questionable property portfolio has expanded, yet again. He now owns more offices than is allowed by the All Atlasian Monopolies Comission. An investigation is likely.
*An, as yet unidentified, Senator has been arrested on solicitation charges. Naughty boy!

"Justice"

Atlasia v Giovanni

Another year, another trial. And, for what it's worth, another example of judicial misconduct, another example of unethical tactics employed by the prosecution and yet another example of a defendent doing his level best to get himself convicted. Atlasia v Giovanni moves, day by day, from tragedy to farce and back again. The Owl was planning some detailed coverage, but our legal reporter was just too depressed. Or just hungover as a result of a little too much New Year cheer, we aren't entirely sure. He recommends reading the transcripts of the trial that posted, blow by sickening blow, on the Federal Government's website. It may also be noted that Giovanni, not content with attempting to land himself a criminal record, is running for Mideast Governor despite, you know, possibly being on the verge of being banned from office. A combination of laughter and tears seems appropriate.

Missing Persons

Former Senator DWDL has been missing from his home in Dull Suburb 349b, New Jersey for some time now. He is short, with a round face, glasses, thick lips, and is covered all over with a sort of downy fluff. He is somewhat overweight, likes golf, is afraid of blacks, has sociopathic tendencies, an inability to tell the truth for more than five seconds and hates Jews. A reward of two dollars has been offered for his safe return. Despite his short stature, Mr DWDL should not be approached as he is believed to be dangerous as a result of serious damage to his pride. Anyone who sees him should, instead, contact the police immediately.

The Owl is an IngSoc publication and is printed at the Cultural Marxist Printing Co-operative in War, West Virginia. We are more than open to contributions - if we like them.

[Purple State]

Finally a well-written, informative and amusing publication. I hope this is maintained and continued.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Finally a well-written, informative and amusing publication. I hope this is maintained and continued.

Esspecially ownage of Gustaf

[Vepres]

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Always proud to be the village idot comrade!

[ilikeverin]

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Always proud to be the village idot comrade!

Hear, hear!

[Swedish Rainbow Capitalist Cheese]

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It is indeed. You have any problems with that Brit?

Very funny News Paper, Al. Keep up the good work. I'm looking forward to read future issues.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

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It is indeed. You have any problems with that Brit?

It's sad you have to suffer from Gustaf actions

[Mechaman]

Great stuff Al.

[President Mitt]

About time I get some attention.

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

Just for the record my speech was held at a Merriot hotel conference room, It just so "happens" that the Chamber of Commerce was holding a meeting in the same room at the same time.



Surprisingly I love this paper and hope you keep it up.


To help you maintain it I'm offering you a contribution of $50,000 Atlasian Dollars from my warchest. It comes as a courtesy of only the finest corporate private donors.

[Bacon King]

please continue!

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

please continue!

That's what she said.

[Kaine for Senate '18]

Keep it up

[Filuwaúrdjan]

Hamilton is Dead

News has reached us here at The Owl that failed Machiavelli impersonator, infamous troll, all round hate figure and (worst of all) Northeastern State Representative, Alexander Hamilton, is dead. His body was found under the Great Troll Bridge over the Potomac earlier this evening. Attempts to identify a cause of death have been unsuccessful due to the fact that most of his corpse had been consumed by cats. Reaction from across the political world has flown into the offices of The Owl with one former President shouting "hallelujah!" and another former President announcing that he was going to go out and buy some balloons. Other tributes have included "good riddance to bad rubbish", "no tears from me" and "hooray!". Mr Burr was not available for comment.

Politics and "Justice"

Guilty, Guilty, Guilty

Gentle reader, it is my misfortune to inform you all that Atlasia v. Giovanni has concluded in the only way that ever seemed likely. A unanimous guily verdict was handed down by the jury - no surprise given the impressive extent to which Giovanni went to secure his own convinction. Giovanni's performance in the witness box was a masterpiece of contradiction, confusion and sheer jaw-dropping incompetence. As such it is likely to be remembered for some time, even as the facts of the trial slowly leave collective memory. Sentencing Giovanni to what amounts to a sixty day suspension as an Atlasian citizen, Justice Blue noted that as Giovanni's crime had been "mild" so would the sentence. As a direct consequence of his conviction, Giovanni is no longer a member of the Mideast Assembly (if he still was at all; we aren't sue). Confusingly it seems that a member of the federal cabinet has been appointed to his vacant seat. We don't understand either.

The Circus Goes On. And On. And On.

But no one has set fire to Brünnhilde yet and the case... has not concluded at all. Giovanni's lawyer, none other than the Secretary of Forum Affairs, has lodged an appeal claiming that Giovanni's constitutional rights have been breached. This one could run and run - we'll keep you posted, of course.

News In Brief

*The Mideast's transformation into a benevolent dictatorship continues apace, though it seems that no one has actually noticed yet. Strange story, strange story.
*The Senator arrested for visiting prostitutes has been released without charge. Rumours that he was one of Iris Robinsons toyboys have been denied by the Senators clinically depressed press secretary.
*A man from New York recently attempted to sue the Angels of the Lord for messing with his files and was laughed out of court.
*A new club has been formed in Nyman DC; 'The Nyman and District Sock Spotters Association or Burr Club'.

The Owl is an IngSoc publication and is printed at the Cultural Marxist Printing Co-operative in War, West Virginia. We are more than open to contributions - if we like them.

[AndrewTX]

Great reporting.

[segwaystyle2012]

What finally got him banned? Sounds like he won't have to resign after all.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Great, as always.

I wouldn't exclude Hamilton's resurrection, though.

[Barnes]

I really like this, Al, very creative!

[Purple State]

Great stuff. I can only reiterate, Keep up the good work.

[Filuwaúrdjan]

Election Special

This is a special edition of The Owl containing only election results and little bit of analysis. A proper paper will be out fairly soon, we hope.

End of the Machine?

With the surprise defeat of Vice President King, JCP rule has come to a sudden and abrupt end. The JCP had held the White House since the victory of Boss Bgwah at the fag end of 2008, thanks to genuine skill at coalition making, enough reforms to keep enough lefties happy and a massive army of semi-sentient beings trained to know which lever to pull. No party had previously held office for as long as the JCP and Atlasia has been transformed in its image. While The Owl does not support President-elect Leitch and expects his adminstration to end in failure (as is traditional for right-liberal administrations in Atlasia), it sheds no tears for the JCP. Besides, they'll probably win the next election anyway.

Federal Election Results In Full!

President

B. King, JCP, 34.8%
A. Leitch, DA, 29.3%
S.P. Crazy, Angel Dust, 22.9%
Xahar, SDP, 12.8%

A. Leitch, DA, 56.8%
B. King, JCP, 43.2%
---
DA maj. 13.6

Mideast Senate

Tarblegarble*, DA, 60.7%
J. Republic, JCP, 25.0%
A.Widdershins, SDP-CMPA, 7.1%
Einzige, Pop, 7.1%
---
DA maj. 35.7

Southeast Senate

N.C. Angry*, Angel Dust, 85.7%
G.Porter, Sad Joke, 14.3%
---
Angel Dust maj. 71.4

Midwest Senate

H.I. Gluck*, SDP, 57.1%
Vepres, Tool, 42.9%
---
SDP maj. 14.2

Northeast Senator

W. Disraeli, Pop, 41.6%
R. Barnes, DA, 36.1%
R. Brandon, Angel Dust, 16.6%
Eraserhead, JCP, 5.5%

W. Disraeli, Pop, 55.5%
R. Barnes, DA, 45.5%
---
Pop maj. 10

Pacific Senate

J.Bgwah, JCP, unop.
---
JCP maj. N/A

DA Gain from JCP

President

DA Gain from Angel Dust

Mideast Senate

SDP Gain from JCP

Midwest Senate

Pop Gain from DA

Northeast Senate

Senate Summary

JCP 1 (-1)
Angel Dust 1 (-1)
DA 1 (-)
SDP 1 (+1)
Pop 1 (+1)

Balance of Power in the Senate

JCP 3 (-1)
Angel Dust 2 (-1)
Pop 2 (+1)
DA 2 (*)
SDP 1 (+1)

*Senator Leitch (DA) has been elected President. This figure assumes a DA hold in the by-election.

The Owl estimates that this Senate will be a fairly right-wing one:

Left 2, Centre 4*, Right 4

*See above

Two (or * Three) of the estimated-centre Senators are more Left than Right, the other more Right than Left. This works out as a 6-4 split in favour of the Right.

Due to the recent success of the YIP-dominated Pop Party, The Owl estimates that the Government will not have a Senate majority:

Pro-Government 4*, Anti-Government 6

*See above

The Owl intends to laugh comment on the usual news on election scandals in its next proper issue. We also expect to slate the new adminstration for being like the old one, say nasty things about people we don't like and call Liverflask an anti-semite. See you then!

The Owl is an IngSoc publication and is printed at the Printing Co-operative Formerly Known As The Cultural Marxist Printing Co-operative in War, West Virginia. We are more than open to contributions - if we like them.

[HappyWarrior]

I wish you would post news more often.

[minionofmidas]

End of the zombie machine? Hardly. Outzombiemachined is more like it. Have you looked at the list of voters, seen how many faces you barely recognize? I have.

[Filuwaúrdjan]

End of the zombie machine? Hardly. Outzombiemachined is more like it. Have you looked at the list of voters, seen how many faces you barely recognize? I have.

I were being ironic

[Antonio the Sixth]

End Start of the Machine?

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

SPC is not in the PCP. He joined the Populares a few weeks ago.


Also, We didn't lose the Mideast Senate race unless you are comparing it to last October which is a poor way of doing it since party membership is so fluid. It should be listed as DA Hold otherwise. Also considering Hans-im-Gluck switched parties to JCP, today. Focusing on Party ownership of seats is not an effective way to group the Senators.