Comedy Goldmine XII: A reimagining with Edward James Olmos and Mary McDonnell

[Katherine Harris is legit]

Oh, really?

28 Aug 2007 ... Real median household income in the United States climbed between 2005 and 2006, reaching $48200

$48200 times working say, 25 years before retiring, will have earned one over a million dollars. Since this is median income, 49.9999999999999% of Americans are earning more than that per year. The ones earning less have to simply work more than 25 years. If one starts working at 16, they will have worked 25 years by age 41.

Except anyone earning $48,200 household income would not fall into the million-dollar tax bracket, so it's obviously not what Steele meant.  In order to make $1,000,000 a year an unreasonable total, you'd have to have like ten children and they'd all have to be going to Sara Lawrence while constantly dying of rare tropical diseases.

(Ridiculous FYI nitpick: 49.999...% do not necessarily have to be above the median.  The median is just whoever is in the middle.  There can be many people, even everyone, equal or below the median.)

I don't need your FYI. I was speaking in the context of the American workforce. We are proud, we a re strong, and we are millions. And more than that, we are opposed to any attempts to silence our voice.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to silence the voice of the American worker.  100% my bad.

Except you misunderstand what median is.  The median income is the amount that half the workforce makes less than and half makes more than.

You meant "mean" I think in which you total up all the income and divide by number of workers. 

I meant median.

[Kaine for Senate '18]

If the Republicans want  to self destruct, then nominate air head Palin.

...

A new political star is on the rise in America, and her name is Sarah Palin.

Keep up these Palin bashing comments, keep up these sexist comments about Palin, keep up these incredibly stupid attacks on Palin's record and beliefs.

It is really sickening how the liberal media and the Washington elitists attack anything and everything about this patriotic American and outstanding public servant, Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin is a highly intelligent woman, hence some of her explanations tend to be over the head of the average individual.

Therefore, she must begin to put her answers and explanations into clear language that Joe Lunch Bucket will be able to understand.

I like Sarah Palin and I don't care who knows it.

[○∙◄☻¥tπ[╪AV┼cVê└]

I almost had a heart attack from the title of this thread.
fewww.

I noticed a texasgirl421 and others got erased. Wonder why. hmmmm

[Gustaf]

I can understand where she's coming from. They all look the same, after all.

I know! I hate that.

I was being sarcastic.

I know the first two have already been posted, but Al's reply adds a lot of humour to it for me. There is so much subtle, restrained exasperation in that line.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

LOLWUT!

If the Republicans want  to self destruct, then nominate air head Palin.

...

A new political star is on the rise in America, and her name is Sarah Palin.

Keep up these Palin bashing comments, keep up these sexist comments about Palin, keep up these incredibly stupid attacks on Palin's record and beliefs.

It is really sickening how the liberal media and the Washington elitists attack anything and everything about this patriotic American and outstanding public servant, Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin is a highly intelligent woman, hence some of her explanations tend to be over the head of the average individual.

Therefore, she must begin to put her answers and explanations into clear language that Joe Lunch Bucket will be able to understand.

I like Sarah Palin and I don't care who knows it.

[minionofmidas]

Check the dates, please. So he was initially rather taken by her but has since come to a more reasoned assessment. Big deal.

[Joe Republic]

Check the dates, please. So he was initially rather taken by her but has since come to a more reasoned assessment. Big deal.

I could buy that explanation - most Republicans have said as much - but Winfield's excuse was apparently that he was trying to "salvage" the losing McCain campaign by trying to keep optimistic.  In other words, he lied to us.  Deliberately and repeatedly.

[The Mikado]

On Judge Walker's homosexuality:

Where is their proof about his orientation?

I had buttsex with him, three times.

I have a great vision of how this went down:

Judge Walker grinned at the young attorney and said, "Court requests a short recess."  Judge Walker threw off his robes. 
Lunar, shaken, hesitantly sputtered, "Your Honor, I...I object."
Judge Walker removed his briefs and smiled.  "Objection overruled."

[Filuwaúrdjan]

Note to Atlasians: If the OP doesn't include a link to the news story, it's a joke.

but Carl never provides a link to the stories he....ohhhh you're quite clever!

[k-onmmunist]

Am I the only one who clicked this expecting some kind of bizarre Bilderberg secret meeting in some European forest clearing involving pagan ritual, naked man-prancing, and George H.W. Bush?

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Nobody is gonna challenge Obama; I'd support Kucinich if he ran, though.

Lol, a warmongering neocon Dem supporting Kucinich?

It must be Obama's race that bothers you, since your views and Obama's are basically identical.

[Mr. Morden]

Following four posts that either explicitly or implicitly stated that the article was a joke:

Newsmax
February 8, 2010
Daniel Salome

The Christian Conservative Dark Horse from South Dakota

Sen. John Thune (R-SD) is heavily leaning toward a presidential run in 2012, Newsmax has learned, in an exclusive interview with the Senator.  When asked about his future ambitions, Thune responded: "I'm definitely leaning toward running.  I believe that this nation was founded as a Christian nation, and I think some of our leaders want to make this into an atheist nation, a godless nation where the people worship the government.  I think this, I know that - in South Dakota, we call them 'government worshipers'."

Thune on his potential challengers: "I don't know.  I think they're some good people, even though I disagree with them on some issues.  I don't think it's enough to be a conservative.  Mitt Romney, he may or may not be a conservative.  But he's Mormon.  I have a lot of concerns about his faith.  I don't want a President who prays to Joseph Smith."

Mr. Thune added that his campaign theme will be returning the nation to its Christian heritage.  When asked if he would make abortion a campaign issue, the Senator nodded enthusiastically.  "I would be the only candidate who is 100% against abortion.  Here in South Dakota we passed a law that made abortion illegal, even if the health of the mother is at stake.  I don't think there's a difference whether you support abortion-on-demand or exceptions.  I'm not for any exceptions.  If you can have exceptions, then you're pro-abortion."

Besides abortionists, Thune is on the watch of other groups threatening our country, which includes homosexuals.  "I encounter homosexual lobbyists all the time," Thune says.  "Some of them lobbying for homosexuals, some of them actually homosexual ... I've never met a gay person, not in South Dakota.  There might be some in North Dakota.  I don't know."

Mr. Thune also looks down on those who practice pre-martial sex.  "Sex is something sacred, that should be restricted to marriage," Thune says.  "I was 23 when I first had sex, and it was with my wife on my wedding night.  We still have a very active sex life.  We've been 100% faithful to each other and have never had any regrets."  Mr. Thune also vouches for the purity of his two daughters.  "One time, [Brittany] and I were in bed and discussing sex.  I asked if she had let any boys touch her.  The Senator adds: "She wears a purity ring.  She told me it's not coming off until her wedding night."  He smiles.  "These are the kind of girls any father wants to have."

The path forward, then, is clear:  he needs to court the evangelical community, and court it relentlessly.  Senator Thune knows this himself.  "If I run for President, those are the people who are going to vote for me ... and those are the people I'm going to serve in the White House."

Thune, though, has a steep hill to climb.  The latest Fox News poll shows Thune garnering only 2% of the primary vote.  Thune brushes this off.  "Polls are worthless at this stage," he says.  "Right now I'm just going to do all the work I can and whatever happens, happens."

Thune is a conservative stalwart, who received national attention for his defeat of then-Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle in 2004.  Most recently, Thune was speculated as a vice presidential pick in 2008 for John McCain, and is now seen as a probable 2012 contender.  Mr. Thune added fuel to the fire to the presidential speculation by announcing his upcoming book Forty Tales From Couples Who Waited, which he co-authored with his wife, Kimberly.  The book is scheduled for a release date in November 2010.

Do you have a link? I couldn't find the story. Newsmax is not a trustworthy source of news, and it is easily parodied.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

  Now I think its ok for there to be gay marriage,

RINO!... geez, even I don't support gay marriage.  What are you, the love child of Dede Scozzafava and Charlie Crist?

[The Mikado]

Pornos

The topic was greatest invention of the 20th century.

http://www.chass.utoronto.ca/~ikalmar/images/pom1.jpg

(Potentially not work safe, though not explicit)

Actually, porn was invented in the 19th century.

The post of mine he quoted links to (very tame) 2500-year-old Greek pornography.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Topic "Alternate careers"

Epic win

David Paterson

New York State Senate Minority Leader 2003 - 2007
Being a good husband - 2007 - Death

[Lief 🗽]

In the off chance that any women are reading this thread... I would like to apologise on behalf of the entire forum.

[Kaine for Senate '18]

Scientist: "Yo, Leo, what up?"
Lion: "Leadin' my pride, chillin' with my hos.  You?"
Scientist: "I know, man!  You alpha lions get so much tail!  All 'em lion bitches be on you like flies on sh**t!"
Lion: "Appreciate, yo!  I make it rain gazelle guts.  They wanna eat, they gotta give the masta his end.  Any other lion come 'round these parts, I put a claw in his ass."
Scientist: "I gotta fly, bro!"
Lion: "Leo out!"

[Mr. Morden]

Does this qualify as comedy goldmine material?:

most posters here are indeed intelligent

[k-onmmunist]

Welcome. Are you still gay?

[Phony Moderate]

Context needed.

February 6, 2010: Senator Scott Brown (R-MA) died.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Context needed.

February 6, 2010: Senator Scott Brown (R-MA) died.

Next are funnier

[Larry T]

Context needed.

February 6, 2010: Senator Scott Brown (R-MA) died.

This is mean and unfunny.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Two hacks

Mitt Romney

Brightest political star to shine in a generation his entire adult life

Mitt Romney

United States Senator from Massachusetts (1995-2001)
President of the United STates (2001-2009)
Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (from 2009 to present)

Welcome to the forum, and I find your alternate career for Mitt Romney to be completely in line with what is best for the nation, and to be what Mitt Romney deserves.

[Larry T]

Two hacks

Mitt Romney

Brightest political star to shine in a generation his entire adult life

Mitt Romney

United States Senator from Massachusetts (1995-2001)
President of the United STates (2001-2009)
Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (from 2009 to present)

Welcome to the forum, and I find your alternate career for Mitt Romney to be completely in line with what is best for the nation, and to be what Mitt Romney deserves.

'
You think you are so funny, don't you?...

[Smid]

Of course!  I'd walk past with my dog every day, wave, tip my hat, and say, "Howdy, neighbor!"  He'd smile.  There'd be a laugh track.  Then I'd walk in, unleash the dog, put my hat and coat on the coatstand, and shout, "Honey, I'm home!"  More laughtrack, applause.  Kid comes downstairs, and says, "Dad, can I have a be-be gun?"  I'd say, "Son, you'll shoot cousin Tim's eye out.  I didn't lose my eye at Normandy for you to lose one now."  Kid would respond, "You fought on D-Day?"  I'd say, "no, I lost it to an angry French madam after the war."  Laughtrack, applause, commercial.  Everything's in black and white.

Awesome. Just awesome.