Should I propose to my girlfriend?

[Alben Barkley]

So basically, I had a frank conversation with my girlfriend earlier tonight in which she heavily implied that she wants kids sooner rather than later. We're both in our early 30s now so this is no longer some hypothetical thing; if it's gonna happen, it will probably happen within the next few years.

I do love her and would happily marry her, but I just don't know... we've only been together a little over a year. And while it's been a very happy year for the most part, I may have some slight commitment issues making me fear formally extending that to a lifetime contract...

Furthermore, while in theory I want kids, in practice the thought of it kinda scares the hell out of me. It's all just becoming a bit too real too fast. That said, I recognize that I'm an adult man who can't hold out forever and potentially miss my best shot at happiness. It's just now it feels like there's a ticking clock and pressure on me, and that's not good for my anxiety...

Obviously I'm not seriously going to take Atlas's advice in the poll on this as the word of God or anything regardless, but I figured I would just throw this out there. Who knows? Maybe someone here somehow has some sage advice for me? Worth a shot anyway, I guess.

[Vosem]

a) You should not listen to advice you get on Atlas. Under any circumstances.

b) Yeah, man, you should go for it. Life is short, and there isn't much more worthwhile than affirming love for someone else, or bringing other lives into existence. It doesn't sound like you're waiting for anything specific; might as well do it. Your kids will thank you for existing.

[dead0man]

Let me start by saying, having kids is a far bigger deal than getting married.  You can stop being married, people do it everyday, but you will always and forever be parent.  Sure, you can stop doing "parental" things, but that just makes you a bad parent, those people are still parents.

Being scared of being a parent is normal, and it will be scary sometimes.  Toddlers can be amazingly good at just disappearing.  When that happens at the mall or, in my case, a museum*, it can be terrifying.  But being a parent is also the best (or at least one of the best) thing that will ever happen to you.  Ever, in your entire stupid life.  Moments you will never forget.  Yeah, you will worry for them, and that actually never stops.  But worrying about someone is a good thing, it shows you have a love in your heart.  I'd much rather have people in my life I worry about than have no one in my life.

so dead0 says, get married, have kids before it's too late.  If you're in your thirties and your lady is telling you she wants kids, you better start trying to put a baby in her or she might go looking for someone else to do it.  That clock is far more powerful in women of that age than it is in men (generally speaking of course), and as we all know hormones/emotions can make humans do some very silly things.

[DPKdebator]

Atlas isn’t the place to be asking for relationship advice, but since you asked I would say wait a little bit then pop the question. If you think she’s the right one for you, take your chance.

[Battista Minola 1616]

Does your girlfriend know you want to convert to Catholicism?

[7,052,770]

Go for it if you love her and can see yourself marrying her.

If you don't, how long will it take you to meet someone else to get to this point with, and how old will you be then? The later you wait to finish having kids, the older you'll be when they're out of the house.

[Crackerjack McJohnson]

You're asking a bunch of political junkies and autistic map nerds this question? 

[LAKISYLVANIA]

You're on the wrong forum my friend

go to relationshipadvice.org/FORUM and ask the question there.

[afleitch]

There's no advice that will cover everything.

Ignore the shot at meeting someone on a dating site. I met my husband 12 years ago on an app designed for f-ing.

Forget kids; the main issue should be whether you both love each other. How do you think she feels? Do you think she had feelings for you that are strong and foundational or is it broodiness placing a finger on the scales?

Even if you're not sure, you still have to listen to yourself first.

[Neo-Malthusian Misanthrope]

It's clear you took the hint. I'd say don't make yourself uncomfortable, but start thinking about a trip to a destination you've had on the backburner for a while if you're the type for grand gestures. Best of luck.

[LBJer]

I voted "wait."  You sound ambivalent about having children, and unless you're sure you want them in practice (not just "in theory"), you shouldn't have them.  This isn't deciding whether to buy a CD at Walmart or not.  And if you decide you don't really want kids, then being married to someone who does obviously won't work.  On the other hand, something can "scare the hell out of" you yet still be something you genuinely want.  Only you can decide whether you feel this way because you don't really want children or because you just realize what a big commitment it is. 

Additionally, all relationship advice on the Internet--whether on Atlas or anywhere else--should be taken with not merely a grain, but a ton of salt.

[Ferguson97]

Do the opposite of whatever the results of the poll suggest.

My serious advice is that this is a lifelong commitment, to dedicate the rest of your life to her, and to raise a child with her. If your first instinct to “do I want to marry her?” is not an immediate and enthusiastic “yes”, then it’s probably not the right time. This is something that you need to be 100% sure about.

[It’s so Joever]

Is she rich? (Or her parents of course)

[Blow by blow, the passion dies]

YES do it

[Zinneke]

it's not just about how much you love each other it's also about compatibility keep that in mind two different things my dude.

[Del Tachi]

Do the opposite of whatever the results of the poll suggest.

My serious advice is that this is a lifelong commitment, to dedicate the rest of your life to her, and to raise a child with her. If your first instinct to “do I want to marry her?” is not an immediate and enthusiastic “yes”, then it’s probably not the right time. This is something that you need to be 100% sure about.

Bad advice.  There will never be a "convenient" time to get married or have kids, so you will always be able to invent reasons to delay or forgo such a life-altering decision.

If you love her and can see a future with her then there is no reason to wait.  You will never be "100%" with someone until you go 100% in with them.  Don't stand in the way of your own happiness.   

[Pink Panther]

As other's have already pointed out to, if you're 100% set on being with her for the rest of your life, there's not really a good reason to delay the inevitable. As for having kids, that's a choice you and her thankfully still have plenty of time to think over, so don't get worked over that, atleast for now.

But if you're not 100% set, I would just wait a bit longer and set your goals for whenever you are ready. Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck.

[GeneralMacArthur]

So you're in your early 30s now, same as me, and the thought process is, if you were to end up NOT marrying her, what's that story look like?

You're not going to break up right now so you'd probably date for at least another year, maybe even more, and then break up, and it would take you probably at least a year of dating to find the next girl you want to have a serious relationship with.  At this point you're in your mid-30s and starting from scratch.  With a girl who's probably even closer to that biological deadline than your current girlfriend, unless you find someone significantly younger than you.

And then there's the fact that as you age through your 30s, you're also up against the clock.  You can still have children after 40, but the rates of autism and other issues go up significantly.  Of course you can circumvent this by freezing your sperm, but I don't know what your financial situation is like.  That would end up costing you thousands of dollars.

Also keep in mind that even once you start having children, you may take a while to get it right, have miscarriages, wait a while between births, etc. so even if you find the right girl and get married at 35 and start trying to have kids right away you could easily be going into your 40s still building your family.

Also, the grass really isn't greener.  If you're feeling like maybe she isn't the one, go join Tinder or something and remind yourself how f---ing miserable dating is these days.  You really want to give up what you got and jump back in there and do all that again?

In conclusion, now's the right time to do it and she's probably the right person to do it with.  Even if you're not sure, your odds of happiness are probably better if you propose to her than if you decide to drop her and try your hand at finding someone else.  Of course it would be ideal to wait until you feel more ready but if she's pressuring you to make the move now, you don't really have that option.

[fhtagn]

At this stage, if you've been together over a year, are both in your early 30s, and don't have any major objections and it's just a fear of going for it, you really should decide to sh!t or get off the pot. And based off your post, there's no reason to not go for it.

She's at a time in her life where if she wants kids, she needs to do it in the next few years for the best chance at having a successful pregnancy, and if you aren't ready for that, that's fine, but it's best that you let her go so she can find someone who will be ready for that while she has the time to find that person. It wouldn't fair to her if you continue making her wait to decide whether or not you're ready, and by some chance you decide you aren't, it's too late for her to find someone to get what she's looking for.