Kalwejt's Awesome Platform

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I'm not asking for your damn votes. In fact I'm not going to vote for myself, which would be lame. However, I still present my extremely detailed platform.



Abortion

Bad.

Campaigns reform

Ban campaigning.

Crime

I'm sick and tired with sympathy for criminals. As John said some people are no good and must go away. As President I pledge to reinstate the capital punishment all across this great land. Death penalty shall be mandatory for crimes such as insulting John and the principles of Engleism, posting in yellow which causes eye to bleed and reversing colors for political parties, which is even worse.

Disaster relief

Build more shelters to protect the people from being violated by hurricanes from Nebraska.

Electoral reform

Ban Duke from ever running for Vice President.

Foreign policy

John didn't care about foreign policy.

Health

As President I'm going to call your attention to the evil of the habitual drinking of Coca-Cola, Pepsi-Cola, and such like mixtures, as I fully believe they are injurious. It would be better for our people if they had nice, respectable places where they could go and buy a good, pure glass of cold beer, than to drink such concoctions.

Inks question

John was a Christian and believed in forgiveness. Therefore I won't seek Inks to be executed. In fact I'm going to pardon him for all crimes he committed or might have committed. We realize now he was just a middle ranking government operative with no authority to order, much less carry out, John's assassination. I'll go for real criminals whomever they might be.

LGTB Issues

I firmly believe in equality. Gays and lesbians deserved the same right as straight and no discrimination shall be taken upon sexual preference basis. However I shall take a firm stand against guys and lesbins who ought to be banned.

Principles and values

Follow what John said.

Terrorism

Nuke Bakersfield, California.

Welfare

Abolish welfare system altogether. John believed in individualism and would never approve a handout. However he believed in charity, also while serving as the Perpetual Governor of Iowa. I pledge to establish Food and Words Giving Agency to coordinate these efforts for those in need.

Other issues

Other issues are not important.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Endorsed.

The People have spoken!

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Question for other candidates: where were you when our beloved guide, the Perpetual Governor John Engle of Iowa (Peace Be Upon Him) was murdered by a group of jealous cowards? Those who cheered the murderers of even more cowarly stood silent are morally disqualified from leading The People.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

By giving Food and Words to those in need.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

What does your switch to the Alpha Jews Union for Dueling mean for your campaign? Are you abandoning the principles of John Engle's teaching?

No.,

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

What does your switch to the Alpha Jews Union for Dueling mean for your campaign? Are you abandoning the principles of John Engle's teaching?

No.,

Then why have you deserted the John Engle Party?

Deserted? I merely took a leave of few hours. Stop smearing.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

What about gun control?

Guns, just like guys, arnt good.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I'm strongly pro-choice. When we're giving the People Food they have right to choose between white and black breads.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

When we're debating some minor stuff there's a larger danger looming at horizon. The Roman Pope has his bags packed and is ready to take over Cathcon is elected. He is planning to relocate Vatican to the Pensacola, Florida, and close all of the Protestant churches.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Where do you stands on Bretzels ?

Support.

And are you actually Joe DiMaggio ?
[/quote]

I used to be, in the High School.