Truman was wise enough not to seek re-election in 1952. Biden isn't.
Trump is Ike now? Lmao.
Folks, you saw what happened on those beaches. Normally, when I go with my beautiful, anti-fascist, European family to the beaches, we make sandcastles and pretend to be pirates on the high seas. I mean, I hate pirates. I hate castles. We're Americans, folks, we live in houses, not castles. But we do those things because they're fun.
But when you look at what my good friend, General George Patton, who I really think should be the President one day after I've finished my two terms, maybe more terms if the government lets me, did on those beaches... I was like "wow." And my beautiful, anti-fascist wife was like "oh my God, they actually did it?" Now, you may be asking me, "Mister President, why were you so shocked, Mister President?" I was shocked because I thought, look, these fascists, they're really evil. Really, really evil. Not in the so many years of human history has anything been as evil as fascism. I thought they had plans, really strong plans. But their plans were made out of paper cranes, wet cardboard, everything flimsy. Everything. We broke through their defences, then eleven months later we took out that evil Hitler man. The most evil man in world history, taken out by forces of freedom. So beautiful. I hate fascism, folks.
I remember the debates in Ohio, and Iowa, and some other bad, evil states a few years ago, maybe thirty years ago, saying no, you can't teach German. I'm from Kansas, I think Kansas is the best state in the Midwest, so many sunflowers, so many people, I've eaten at more diners there than I can think of, I'm going to move back there once I've served out my second term as the most important man in American history. Anyway, just to let you know, I think those laws are horrible, the worst laws. We have people speaking all kinds of language in America, legal immigrants, citizens, whether they're speaking Spanish, German, Tagalog - I love the Filipino community and they love me back, you saw my rally last week - whatever. And they bring together so many diverse names, I like telling my wife sometimes that every name is an American name. There was Jose and Felipe at my rally a couple of weeks ago, then some Italian people, some Greek people, Papadopoulos, Evangelos, whatever, some English people, some Irish people - look, folks, I'm winning Irish people. That shows you I'm the best President. The best. How many other Republicans can you name who are winning Irish people?
Now, you have a look at the names in the archives in Washington DC, a beautiful city, so many bad people, but I think it's a beautiful city, better than New York, definitely better than Dresden these days. You have a look at their archives, their top 500 for girls - okay, there are many, many, boys' names, I don't need to go over the boy names because I think you all know at least a couple of hundred men. But you look at names like Lydia, and Rachel and Esther, and Margaret, and Veronica, and I think Naomi, I'm not sure - they've been in the top 500, not just this year or the past couple of decades, but every single year that Social Security have been keeping records. Every single year. Not even close. I mean, they started keeping these records when this one guy called Chester Alan Arthur was President. And now they're accusing me of being a fake President too. They said "Chester, Chester, you were born in Quebec, not Vermont, you can't be the President!" And now they're saying I'm stuck up, I'm annoying, I love parading my record, nobody in my cabinet can be trusted, my foreign policy's so bad, I'm not racist enough, everything. I stood four years ago for fairness and justice, I'm standing again and I hope my good friend Richard Nixon, a really good friend, one of the best friends I have, will stand in four years to show those Democrats that enough is enough.
But really. How many Lydias have you seen in the halls of Congress, or the governor's mansions or the state legislatures? Or Veronicas? Really. Top 500, you'd expect there to be one or two in so many thousands of people, yet nothing. Shame. We need more ordinary people in the chambers of the people. I know women can't fight in the army, but standing in politics, the government, I think that's a really powerful way for them to make their voices heard, definitely better than voting for the Democrats. Who gave the world Senator Rankin - my party or their party? Who gave women the right - my party or their party? I think it's obvious. You vote for me in November, which you will do, and you vote for a Republican Senator and House member and Governor and state legislator in November - not October, not December, but November - and I guarantee you, definitely, one hundred percent, beyond any of our imaginations, we will do more than any past American government has to ensure that you have rights, you have freedom and you have the Constitutional protections.
But yeah, I'm standing up for the everyman as President. Not just the everywoman, but the everyman. They go on all day about how I'm dividing American when they're the real dividers, they divide people because of race and fascism and everything. I'm a really good President. Just yesterday, I met someone called Bill. Really common name, that. Everyman name. And this Bill told me "look, Mister President - Dwight, the American President, really good guy - you're the best President of my lifetime, you helped go in there and annihilate those really annoying fascists, they were eating away at my brain" - I'm not going to talk about some of the third-party, fourth-party candidates I'm going up against - "and now you've defeated them, Mister President, and I feel like an America First, strong American, keep our country safe kind of man." Well done, Bill. You'd make a great Vice-President if I didn't already have one. Believe me, there were some really bad Vice-Presidents in my Veepstakes when I first ran four years ago; some of them were traitors and evil people and clueless and silly and any number of other bad words. But this guy from California, beautiful, sunny, Richard Nixon the Vice-President, I think more beautiful than Washington DC or anywhere else, a true American beautiful place, he has shown himself to be one of the best lieutenants this retired general could ever hope for, and with really good reason, because he has the fire, the energy, the power, the conviction, everything, really. I wish every single American voter could think more like Bill when they vote in November.
