Confessions of Atlas

[Nightcore Nationalist]

I hate being autistic and feel like a second-class person. I'm jealous of people that don't have to deal with so many challenges.

I know this feel all too well.

Autism being a spectrum and all, I've had to deal with severely autistic people who could barely function. Presumably, since you can post on this site coherently and rather intelligently, you're toward the middle of the spectrum, say, Asperger's? I could be way off base. But I know even the so-called Normies deal with the same awkwardness and insecurity, it's simply handled in another way. Correct me if I'm wrong.

My youngest brother’s autism is so severe that he could never post here, let alone live on his own in any capacity. The spectrum is way, way, way too long. Socially awkward but functioning kids should not be on the spectrum period. They shouldn’t be put in the same classroom like my brother (for their own sake), and we should if anything be integrating functioning people with mild Aspergers into the general population. It’d be good for their self-esteem but also would lead to more awareness.

When I was a kid circa 2003, I knew of nobody who had an autistic relative in their family. Societal awareness has improved dramatically and strangers are way more sympathetic to him then they were in 15 years. We used to get thrown out of restaurants because his behavior issues.

Last time we all went out to dinner, my brother was a little noisy. A woman stood up and yelled over to my mom to “don’t EVER apologize for him.” It’s a full 180 on societal perception of autism.

Sanchez, I do not in any way intend to minimize what your brother experiences each day, but high-functioning autism extends way beyond social awkwardness.  I think you can make an argument that Aspergers ought to be used to distinguish high-functioning autistic people from low-functioning autistic people; its erasure from scientific literature on the subject is fairly new, after all.  But the spectrum is not a one-dimensional scale.

Before I started school, I literally begged my parents to homeschool me instead, because the thought of being in a classroom with a bunch of kids I don't know scared the sh!t out of me.  While I have managed to cope somewhat with my interaction problems since that time, as a child I had little if any friends.  Throughout all my years in public school I tended to myself whenever possible, because I literally could not handle being in groups of people.  I had the same problem in college.

At one point I walked with a gait, but thankfully I was able to outgrow it (mostly due to social pressure/comments from my parents).  I seldom made eye contact and still struggle with that today.  The mere sight of excessive visual activity induces panic attacks.  Perhaps most importantly I am selectively mute.  (The internet is the only place where I can speak openly and confidently.)  But in person, even talking to people who I've known for years is a challenge.  Often times my inability to speak has induced literal mental breakdowns.

Living with this condition is not fun, and if there were a cure for this I would take it in a heartbeat.  But for now all I can do is cope and pretend as though I'm normal.  (And it rarely works; most people figure out that I'm mentally abnormal fairly quickly.)

Anyway it wasn't my intention to write my whole autobiography here, but that is my experience with autism.  I may be high-functioning, but were it not for therapy and medication and other medical interventions and school accomodations I wouldn't be here right now.

Sorry to hear about that, that's an inenviable position.  I have at least ADHD or mild aspergers- difficulty with eye contact, verbal expression, maintaining a train of thought and short term memory loss among other issues.  I haven't taken any medication since the early 2000s back when society was far more ignorant of these issues and if there was effective medication I'd take it without hesitation.  I can appear normal-ish with substantial effort but I've been too embarrassed to admit it even with close friends until recently-I'm 26.

[Nightcore Nationalist]

I have never seen the Godfather 1 or 2, or any of the Indiana Jones movies without the actor who shall not be named: