HARD TO FOLLOW: A new non-serious election game interest thread

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Literally have 1% comprehension of this scenario but I'll take Hunter Biden.

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Hunter Biden Campaign Objectives
- Hunter Biden himself will focus on campaigning in ALL of the early states, as he believes he has a chance of winning each of them.
- The Biden campaign will run ads and media articles connecting Biden favorably to his father, while also creating a 'badass' look for Hunter (sunglasses, hairy legs, fake muscles, etc.) that'll evoke comparisons to the popular incumbent POTUS. An aggressive meme campaign will also be launched.
- Meanwhile, with the cooperation of DNC head Tom Perez, the Biden campaign's secret Ukrainian Burisma assets will begin preparations to rigcorrect election results not favorable to Biden. Perez will leak copies of ballots to Biden's Ukrainian offices in Kiev, who will use a photocopier to stock blank ballots in warehouses in Manchester, Spartanburg, and Pahrump. Burisma assets will also work to hack the Iowa Caucus and appoint people who can't do math as precinct captains, the latter of which can simply be accomplished by randomly selecting Republicans from the population.

[OBD]

Hunter Biden Debate Responses

Opening Statement

*walks on stage in sunglasses, lifeguard tanktop, and shorts, to showcase muscles, tattoos, and very, very hairy legs*

Helllooooooooo Iowa! привітання!

To anyone out there who doesn't know me, I'm Hunter Biden, and I'm running because my dad's too old and diseased and the DNC needs a candidate to support! Tom Perez, if you're out there somewhere, thanks for being a bro and helping out with my campaign operations. I owe my inevitable victory to you, дуже дякую.

The Johnson Presidency has been pretty good, I'll admit. But under a Biden Presidency, America will become even greater! I'll make America the coolest nation in the world, by heralding a new age of technology, progress, and money. Lots of гроші. Under my rule, we'll build cool looking glass buildings and railways, and every American will recieve a custom printed $10,000 bill with my face on it. круто, правда?

To close this opening statement, I'd like to remind everyone that I'm Joe Biden's son, and that Joe Biden was Obama's Vice President! Obama! So yeah, vote for me.

Question

That's a f--king load of malarkey, and no true American should believe my campaign is engaging in undemocratic conduct. In fact, these operations are nessecary to maintain American democracy! There's a lot of bad hombres out there who want to undermine my campaign - I mean American interests - and we need to take aggressive action to stop them in their tracks. There's people out there voting against me, and it's our civic responsibility to counter their foreign influence on our elections. And by the way, what reporters are spreading these heretical views? I'd like to offer them 'correctional vacations' to Ukraine, sponsored by Burisma! If you're watching this, don't hesitate to come forward to my campaign's засоби тортур-I mean, offices.

Closing
We've heard a lot of good ideas tonight, and a lot of malarkey too, and anyway I'd like to thank my fellow candidates for daring to show up and challenge my will. You see, it's very clear that America wants another Biden in the White House, so my campaign would like to make a special offer to the American people. If you want to vote in your state's primary but don't have the time or requisite legal papers, don't worry! Our campaign will vote for you. Just go to HunterBiden.com, click "Voter Registration", and we will mail in a ballot to your polling place in your name! And, the first 50,000 registrees will be given money AND entered into a lottery to win a free vacation to a Burisma-owned resort in Eastern Europe! Thanks again for tuning in, and град биден!

all cyrillic is badly translated ukrainian (gm note)

[OBD]

REPORT: Biden campaign takes action against Gabbard menace
Deeply alarmed by reports of attacks on Biden volunteers orchestrated by foriegn forces, the Biden campaign, in conjunction with it's Burisma-sponsored 'muscle wing' has taken action. Today, the Biden campaign announced that it was adding 6,666 Ukranian strongmen to its payroll for the purposes of guarding campaign volunteers as well as miscellaneous 'intimidation'. Additionally, ballot storage warehouses were moved to secret, secure locations in heavilly wooded areas, and Biden operatives armed with Ukranian chemical weapons now guard these facillities. Biden himself has requested Secret Service protection, though until he gets it he'll have a special security detail anyway.