Comedy Goldmine XI: The Atlas Forum Demilitarized Zone

[Bacon King]

Well first I'd start a party called something like the Revolutionary People's Party. Then the Party would take control of all media and establish a political machine that we'd use to control like 80% of seats in Parliament. I'd probably become PM and then appoint a figurehead President so I could take a break and do whatever I wanted (like host SNL) while I'd have someone else take over as PM. Probably let the opposition get something like 20% of seats in Parliament. Similiar to Egypt. Then I'd set up a network of secret police similar to described in "California Uber Alles", sort of a hipster/scene police. I'd even have special units with no purpose other than to enforce the ban on psuedo-emo fashion, shaving kids' heads, destroying their stupid Hot Topic clothes, etc., and probably the ban on metal music as well. My Chemical Romance and all similar bands would be forced into exile. Ralph Nader would possibly be "disappeared", though I'd rather just arrest and imprison him or also throw him into exile due to the abolishment of the death penalty.

Then I'd probably establish an ultra-liberal State Church so we could crack down on other churches, heavy crackdown on the Catholic Church, Southern Baptists, any fundies, etc. Scientology would be flat out outlawed. I'd legalize gay marriage everywhere but outlaw marriages that violate the half + 7 rule, the exception being heterosexual marriages where the female is older (This would be termed the "Cougar Clause".)

Then the national anthem would be changed to some indie/emo song, and I'd start personality cults around various "scene" heroes, we'd have a national holiday honoring Guy Picciotto for example. Probably Obama too, he'd sort of be held as a state hero like Simon Bolivar is in several South American countries. No doubt both Obama and Picciotto would end up on money. I'd use the powers of eminement domain to build lots and lots of strip clubs. I might even just for kicks have a building with two distinct parts: a strip club and a church of the state religion. This would also be the basis of my patronage system, people would be rewarded for loyalty and service to the regime by being granted ownership of strip clubs. And any attractive female illegal immigrants would have to work two years in one to earn citizenship. Obviously there would also be hordes of indie venues as well. State radio would blare scene music alongside the propaganda all day. It'd be like Enclave Radio on Fallout 3 except with scene music replacing the patriotic songs. Well actually, under this regime the scene music WOULD be the patriotic songs!

All private schools and colleges would be either shut down or nationalized. The only religious schools allowed would be those of the state religion (I guess current liberal Protestant schools could be converted into those) while Catholic and fundie schools are shut down. Secular private schools would be nationalized unless they were deemed too conservative in which case they would be shut down. Private education and homeschooling would be illegal.

Combating suburbia would be a top priority. High taxes would be imposed on suburbs making them effectively unlivable for anyone but the super-rich, who would end up being robbed of their assets. So suburbs would be converted into virtual ghettos, but then renovated to more urban architecure. Freddie Mae and Fannie Mac would be abolished, as would private homeownership for anyone but loyal supporters of the regime. Of course rent would be so heavily subsidized it'd be quite cheap, my current apartment is $550/month, this would be dropped to lower than $300. Of course tons of strip clubs would pop up in the former suburbs. Tons of middle-class families would see themselves forced from owning a McMansion in suburbia to living in an apartment in a dense urban neighborhood quite soon. Our cities would begin to resemble more Europe's. Exurbs and outer suburbs probably would be converted to large farming conglomerates, all nationalized.

Oh and the economic policy would be like Norway or something.

[Bacon King]

MIKE NASO IS AMERICA

[Bacon King]

Oh look, just give the kid the presidency.  Heaven knows he's persistent.  Maybe then he'll keep quiet.


No, wait.  That kind of thinking is how we got John Quincy Adams.

[Bacon King]

Holy sh**t guys I just went to a 'strip club'.  Some things should either be done right or not at all.

[Bacon King]

Opebo is alright. At least he's not a rich Jewish kid from the suburbs pretending to be a Southern Populist.

Ouch. Did Stark actually just own Constine?

[Bacon King]

https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=95881.0

[Bacon King]

I don't know. It just seems like something emo people do. Capital letters are too mainstream for them.

[Bacon King]

Erdogan wants to destroy his country's secularism,No brainer.

Yes, in the sense that the claim is one that requires the absense of a brain to make.

[Bacon King]

An answer to "where's Al?"

Travellin':

[Bacon King]

In the context of everything that had been already stated in the thread (by people that actually know things about the topic at hand)

Absolutely.  He would've had a much better shot at being reelected.

[Bacon King]

When's the primary again?

Creigh Deeds will be nominated on June 9.

[Bacon King]

[Bacon King]

Is a "GPorter" some kind of urinal-shower apparatus?

[Bacon King]

You must be logged in to read this quote.

[Bacon King]

and in other news....i think unions are  great for the american workers.

aw! reading that thread made me miss angus.

[Bacon King]

Obama can't win. He has no experience and he hasnt accomplished anything in life. When he runs is he going to say, when I was a state senator, I cosponsered a bill calling for more pothole filling.

[Bacon King]

Many of the metaphors used are highly suspect and point to authorship by Bill Ayers.

[Bacon King]

I keep trying to send BeccaM a message, but I never get an email back. So, BeccaM, if your message thing isn't working, I've been trying to email you. And If it is, go and check it. I have been sending email after email after email to you.

[Bacon King]

I think the internet needs an age limit

I agree.  Frankly I'm sick of JSojourner, Torie, muon2 et al polluting our lovely forum with their incessant potty mouthing and general time-wasting.

We could also set the limit to be anything before one minute before your birthday to anything after one minute after your birthday

Awesome, I'd love to be the only poster on the forum.  It'd be like that time I woke up in a hospital and the whole city was deserted and then oh wait that was 28 Days Later.

I was going to put this in the Comedy Goldmine thread but then I realized it was already in the Comedy Goldmine thread.

[Bacon King]

Uh. My parents got engaged after ten days, and they've been together now for thirty years.

[Bacon King]

Uh. My parents got engaged after ten days, and they've been together now for thirty years.

Little thumbs up thing Keystone Phil likes this.

LOL

[Bacon King]

Dave Leip for sure.  He has been nothing but trouble since he came to this forum.

The moderation team placed him on moderator review a while ago; only approved posts are released to the forum at large.  As you can imagine, very few of his posts are ever approved.

[Bacon King]

I don't always enjoy advertisements, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis' "Most Interesting Man" campaign.

[Bacon King]

http://www.uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=98309.0

LOL

[Bacon King]

@Holmes: you go into the mobile version of the Atlas on a normal computer (https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=94229.800;wap2) and post from there.