retromike22
Sr. Member
Posts: 3,465
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« on: January 13, 2015, 02:38:17 AM » |
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« edited: January 13, 2015, 02:59:28 AM by retromike22 »
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This requires a more in-depth analysis.
Snow White: I always see Snow White as very young, almost like a pre-teen. Her domestic servant situation isn't that fun, so running away is very reasonable. But to go live with SEVEN old men? I question her judgement on that. Even at the cottage she still cooks and cleans, but then she uses hypnotic singing to force woodland critters to clean as well. Tragically she gets poisoned by the Witch, but the Prince comes to save her anyway. I suspect that once she goes back to the castle, she's probably going to back to her OCD and start cleaning again.
F
Cinderella: She's different, she hates cleaning but makes do by outsourcing much of the business to mice. (resourcefulness +1) Once she gets a visit by her fairy godmother, she's like "Later b-t--hes!" and goes off to have a really romantic dance with a hot Prince (+1). When the Stepmother locks her away when the Archduke arrives, she again outsources the help to the mice, and they help free her. Best part is she puts on the slipper RIGHT IN FRONT of her stepmother. (schadenfreude +1). She rewards the mice by having them join the wedding (I bet Gus got drunk and Jacques found so many lady mice). And she gets a hot husband as her reward. She really didn't make a mistake, she found herself in a tough situation and used her wits (and a kindly fairy godmother) to gain an advantage.
A+
Aurura: She's sings well, but is very, very naive. Spends 16 YEARS in the middle of the woods, isolated, and kept by the three fairies. I understand that the fairies were trying to hide her, but they suck at parenting. Remember that scene where Fauna couldn't make a cake, and Merryweather couldn't clean? Then HOW ON EARTH did you raise someone from an infant to sixteen, without using magic? Prince Phillip just likes her cuz she's pretty, like a trophy wife. Aurora has way too many developmental issues to be my favorite. D-
Mulan: She is neither royalty-born or ends up marrying a Prince, so unfortunately she has to be disqualified. DQ.
Ariel: Ariel is MAN hungry. She sees Eric and she's like DAYM now I really want to be a human. She makes a bad deal with Ursula, and doesn't talk for most of the movie. This is probably her greatest weakness, in that her man hunger has clouded her rational judgement. But she has guts. When she has to fight to get her man she does. In the end, she makes peace with her racist father and now has a hot husband. Now all she has to do is convince her husband to ban fishing in the kingdom... B+
Belle: Belle is probably the smartest, but she chose the wrong man. The Beast was hella ugly. Sure he lived in a nice castle, but he was verbally abusive at the beginning. She only fell in love with him due to Stockholm Syndrome. Gaston was horrible as well though, conceited and egotistical. Both were mean to her, but in different ways. The man she should have chosen was.... the bookkeeper. He was kind, had books, and even let her have one for free. The Beast gave her a library, but most prisons have libraries. B-
Jasmine: Jasmine is also a Princess, but she is also in a metaphorical prison (the palace). She is isolated like the others and just wants to explore. Unfortunately, her first friend is a ghetto street rat with a monkey as a best friend. After Aladdin becomes a Prince, he lies right to her face and says he's not the boy from before. When Aladdin saves the day, all is forgiven and she forgives him, which I will never understand. Honestly, Jasmine should have chosen Jafar. At least he had prospects. Aladdin wasn't really going anywhere with his life. He stole food to eat, and didn't really have a job. All Jafar wanted to do was rule the kingdom. Is that such a bad thing? D+
Pocahontas: She is smart. And definitely not naive. Instead of immediately falling in love with John Smith, she takes time to explain the errors in how he sees the world. And she's a good diver. And she has her sassy gay friend Meeko and Flit the bad ass Hummingbird. And at the end, instead of leaving her family to go with John Smith, she stays to help her ailing father and to help keep the peace between the Native Americans and the British. A
Nala.... is a cat.
The Unified Theory of Princess Evaluation:
(Man Hunger - Naivety) + Resourcefulness = Best Princess Rating (B.P.R)
(each characteristic is on a 0 to 10 scale).
Snow White (5-10) + 0 = -5
Cinderella (10-0) + 10 = 20
Aurora (10-10) + 0 = 0
Mulan (DQ due to not marrying the Emperor)
Ariel (10-6) + 8 =12
Belle (4–7) + 6 = 9
Jasmine (8-8) + 4 = 4
Pochahontas (7-0) + 10 = 17
Nala (N/A due to being a cat)
I have to go with Cinderella. Also Prince Charming is hotter and has more money than John Smith.
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