Confessions of Atlas

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I will outlive every single person on this forum. Sorry, but it’s the truth.

[Boobs]

My father was an archer. My uncle was a spade. My grandfather was a flour pigeon. My grandmother was the village chief. My mother was Mary Hussein. We smoked pot all the time. We never drank alcohol. We ate whatever we wanted. Mary liked to dress like a man. She liked to bathe in cool water. And she giggled like a baby. All the other members of her family were chickens. Digging the grave was boring as hell.

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By the time I was nineteen, I knew everything that was going to happen. By the time I was twenty-one, I knew nothing. And when I did finally get some answers, they didn’t make any sense. I didn’t realize how special I was. So I started with the stuff that really matters. I practiced walking with a fancy walking stick. I added fire trucks to my list of things to do, because it’s really easy to get stuck in your own head and not want to do your fire trucks. When I was twenty-two, I even won at Jenga without cheating. It was powerful stuff.

[Boobs]

People call me the love child of David and Monica. I got my first job when I was fifteen doing maintenance on the streetlights. When I turned eighteen, I decided that I was going to be the face of the Internet. I started selling t-shirts and doing promotional stunts. I did a Doge meme on the internet. I dabbed with Stretch Armstrong and launched a cryptocurrency for victims of Eric Andre. Then I cranked up the zen and went on an intellectual property rights rampage. Doge meme provides some much needed relief from the choreography of your life. Just another sign of the Times New Roman.

When I was ten years old, I came home from a science fair and found my father unloading a cart of bananas on the bathroom floor. My father said: ‘You know how hard it is to find a job when you’re a scientist?’ We never talked about it again.

I made it my life’s work to be the most socially inept, ideologically driven monster there is. Extremely sexy. No pudge. Terrifying. Facts. There were a lot of good times. I sourced my energy from the place where kelp forests and calmer seas meet. All the weeds have been swept from my shoulder. I’ve got eight heads. I’ve got fangs. I can spit fire. I can slap really hard. But at the end of the day, my weapon of choice was the legalese deadfall.

I used to make all my own toilet paper. I wanted to impress my friends-- most of whom have comically low self-esteem. I didn’t have a toilet paper factory. I just scanned it on my computer, added water, and voila! There you have it! My paper made all my friends very sad. Sad because they were so impressed.

Oh, and Batman seems like a little bitch if you ask me. He’s nothing but Ben Affleck with long hair. I used to work as a burlesque dancer and I could lift about 300 lbs of watermelons. He could only lift 80 lbs of apples. One time I was hanging out with Vin Diesel, and he lifted 150 lbs of Sour Diesel. ‘I’m going to jail for this,’ he said.

[Boobs]

Sometimes I just zone out and pine for the glory days of stagecoach robbery and wealth creation-- when everything was new and people were held accountable for their crimes. Back in the day there was a little bit of everything: comb-over haircuts, full-on belly hair, and pillaging the high seas for precious metals. Even the phone sex wasn’t nearly as traumatic. On the other hand, the horses come in way more color options these days. And that’s something to feel good about.

[Boobs]

The janitor at my high school turned out to be my mentor— an incredible woman, who claimed to be a time traveller from 1790s France, named Marie Antoinette Bouvier de Ville. She was 6 foot tall and wore a diamond-encrusted lizard brooch on her suit. She cleansed my school of vipers while keeping the sharks down. I was the smallest but most attractive person in my class, so I was always scared. Everyone thought I was a loser. They teased me. They called me ‘Crap Daddy.’ But she forced me to see that my peers were just filthy viper spawn. She taught me how to use advanced techniques like applying pressure and heating things with acetone. When I was only fourteen, she bought me a ticket to ride on the back of an elephant. It was so fun.

[Boobs]

I did a bunch of Sun Tzu stuff when I was younger. I’d lay traps, and wait for armies to fall by my hand. I was a really troubled kid. When I was sixteen, I got picked up for ‘unlawful meditation.’ My attorney was a whimsical dude who went by the name of The Technicolor Kid. He’d look at me like I was some sort of iconic villain or something. I’d try telling him that it was just a run-of-the-mill case, but he’d always say: ‘You’ve got rock star genes kid.’ The judgement reader gave me seven years in the monastery. No luck. No pancakes.

[Boobs]

One time in college, I played this game called Sim City, and the business I ran got destroyed and the people who worked for the company got wiped out. I was like, ‘.’ Then after a couple hours of playing, I discovered that all the people who had been working for the company were just doing it to get more money. They didn’t care about my vision. And they definitely weren’t my friends. So I decided to change my tactics. I hacked the game to designate my company a nonprofit. And from then on, I was  unstoppable.

[Boobs]

In the summer of 1992, I was in Central Park and I saw John Cage reading a protestor’s book without any amplification. I’d never seen someone read a book in Central Park without amplification before. Little did I know this would be the beginning of one of the greatest goth bands in Detroit.

[Boobs]

My first time was 98 years ago. It was a very magical and beautiful day. I was seventeen or eighteen. I was looking at the Washington Monument and thinking: ‘This is gonna be big.’ It was so exciting. But afterwards I remember thinking: ‘Maybe I can do better.’

[Boobs]

I love to bake. I make everything. I even make a special cupcake for each holiday. All of them adhere to a theme that I take very seriously. I was going to do one for Halloween this year called Pumpkin Spice Apocalypto. But the apocalypse doesn’t start until Christmas.

[Boobs]

I’m Kendra Mendricks. I make free puppet shows for people who just don’t get it. I want my show to be a vehicle for people to become more like me, or else I just want them to shut up. You don’t need food. You don’t even need soap. All you need is a neck tattoo and a stolen copy of the DSM-5. You don’t have to be proud of who you are. Just different. Do I sound like a pompously dressed pretzel? Maybe I should just be chucking my wad in the general direction of Society.

[Boobs]

I spent six night and three mornings on the Pine-Sol Reservation, just belting out yacht drama and the "Crazy on the West Side" of The Wrecking Ball – an essential musical in any good Hollywood summer movie season, to name but one – that you would never dream a kid out this far out could produce. But all of it came out in my soul. I have no doubts about the ability of a man my age to do any of it, especially what could be so very much more important to your life's future, my life…

There we go again: not a man, but many men from all walks of life were involved in your final two trips on this crazy bus from your childhood in Santa Ana down to Santa Monica to attend this one elite public party… One that's become all the more iconic in its way as it became better known for a series of very important men who were at times just one or more of the main, leading names in a long list of names: Charlie Sheen… Jim Henson… Jeff Goldblum.

[Boobs]

One night I was at a private dinner with my biological parents, and I was looking out for myself. I was trying to be practical. I always told myself that if I ever had a kid, I’d be a professional cave painter. Then suddenly my friend showed me how to do it. Not by eating a bunch of moss, but by painting with my own hands. My father fell out of his chair, and he was crushed to death. I never knew him personally, but he left me all his money. My mom was screaming behind me. She was demanding that I give her all that money. She was waving her arms and yelling: "Give it to Satan! Give it to Satan!" I never knew her personally, but she reached in her wallet and pulled out a pair of old Yeezys. Money well spent.

[Boobs]

I am deeply afraid of people, namely my children and loved ones, growing beyond the need for me to be around.

[Boobs]

For my college screenwriting final, I wrote the plot of "The Godfather Part IV: Lesbians Take Manhattan", and it was brilliant. I played the part of the mobster boss for the full three hours, I felt awesome and I was paid more than a thousand dollars for it. I wrote an excellent script with a lot of potential.

I thought this was a dream, and I wanted it to happen. And then it happened to me. I'm no longer a screenwriter, and I didn't have the energy or commitment to take it further. So I've made no progress.

I'm very aware of this. My career would be over if this had happened, and I would have been miserable. That's why I went out to dinner with some friends, and I kept going, and finally I got to a point where I knew it wasn't going to happen and then I was just relieved. I don't feel depressed or scared any more.

Instead of screenwriting, I ended up devoting my time to investigative journalism. I'd often write articles about how the world of film was being manipulated by the powers that be. My articles were written under the pseudonym "Roland H. Martin."

In my search for information I'd read about people being paid off to promote a film. Of course I didn't trust the people who gave me that information. I was convinced that everything was orchestrated. One thing was for sure: people were paid off to talk about the film. And when they talked, they would be paid off to make the film look good.


In the fall of 1971, I was invited to be a producer on a short film about the JFK assassination. My producer turned out to be a movie producer. I was told to write a story for the movie and also to get involved in other projects of the company. It all sounded so cool. They would get the movie made and my writing would make them money.

That was a dream come true for me.

[Boobs]

Seven years ago, I set my now-wife's ex-boyfriend's car on fire.

Never since then have I indulged my flamer tendencies.

[Boobs]

Seven years ago, I set my now-wife's ex-boyfriend's car on fire.

Never since then have I indulged my flamer tendencies.

Did the gas tank explode? Did you get caught?

No. No. He got the message and moved to Cleveland to live with his mother.