Comedy Goldmine VI: Now with no Gporter and Calcium-Fortified for Bone Health

[YRABNNRM]

There's probably only a few people here that know the history behind this but who cares...

I think the British networks might cover it. . .

[Filuwaúrdjan]

I thought you were a Keyes booster. You do support Steve Sauerberg (sp), another no-chance conservative.

1. Sauerberg has lived here.
2. Sauerberg is not running to pay off past debt.
3. Sauerberg has not kicked his daughter out of the house while running as the "family values" candidate.
4. Sauerberg is not a celebrity attention whore.

[MarkWarner08]

I thought you were a Keyes booster. You do support Steve Sauerberg (sp), another no-chance conservative.

1. Sauerberg has lived here.
2. Sauerberg is not running to pay off past debt.
3. Sauerberg has not kicked his daughter out of the house while running as the "family values" candidate.
4. Sauerberg is not a celebrity attention whore.

Nice to see that I inadvertently assisted another hilarious HRC post.

[Ban my account ffs!]

A must read for any forum member...

It was a long, hot November day.  Hotter than most.

I spent most of it out campaigning for John McCain, a man whom I had a crush on for some time.  Every moment I saw him on television—his aged, mole-free, glowing skin; built chest; muscular torso; tiger-cage ruined arm—I just knew he was the man for me.  I devoted months to learning about him, his thoughts, his dreams.

And finally, that moment had arrived.  I was going to vote for John McCain.

I entered the school gymnasium—it was almost empty, save for the voting machines.  Swallowing hard, I slipped behind the curtain and reached up to the McCain lever...my fingers lightly grazing the surface.

Just as I was about to pull downward, I heard a gentle voice from behind.

"Wouldn't you rather vote...for a real man?"

Startled, I turned around.  My mouth drew slightly agape as I gazed upon a black stallion dressed in a form-fitting Brooks Brothers suit.  It was...Barack.

Words failed me.  My finger slid from the McCain lever as my head started filling with confused thoughts.  I had wanted John McCain so badly... and here I was in the voting booth with another.

"Barack... but, I w..."

"Shhhhhh."

His bicep flexed a little in his oxford shirt as he drew his finger to my lips.  His mannerisms were confident; reassuring.  I stopped talking and looked him in the eye.

"I know you've been admiring me from afar, watching CNN for hours on end just to try and catch a glimpse of me."

I tried to argue the point in my head, but I just couldn't.  For so long I had deluded myself into thinking I was watching CNN to learn more about McCain and his positions on the issues.  But now, in this tiny voting booth with the towering, confident Obama... I could think of nothing more than his positions—no—our positions.

I started to nod silently as a slight smile curved across his lips.  He knew he had me.  Months of work for McCain...and yet being in the Illinois senator's presence for a few seconds had placed me firmly—firmly—in his column.

"I want.. I want to vote for you," I stammered.

His hand met mine, slowly bringing it up to his lever.  My heart started racing.

"I want you to vote for me, too," he replied.

I bit my lip a little as my fingers touched the sleek, metallic object.  I wanted to make him happy.  I had to make him happy.  I had to make him my president.

I swallowed hard as I applied pressure to his lever... slowing bringing it down to reveal the X—the X that proved my devotion and longing for him.  I turned back to look him in the eyes as a satisfying clunk rattled through the air.

I exhaled deep, filled with a happiness I'd never felt before.  But we weren't done, Obama and I.

"I want you to..." Obama gazed deep into my eyes; my soul as he paused, making sure he had my attention.  "I want you to vote straight ticket."

Straight ticket!?  Could I?  The thought never crossed my mind until now, until the powerful, manly legislator suggested it.  But there was no use fighting the feeling that was growing inside me.  This was destiny.  I had to.

"Yes, Barack!  Oh, God, yes!"  I screamed; my hands wildly attacking the voting machine, pulling the lever for John Kerry, Mike Capuano, and every single Democrat I could find there in that booth.  His cologne filled my nostrils as one X turned to two; two turned to three.  Soon, the entire machine was covered with votes...votes that proved my love for the ebony God before me.

My head flung back as I grabbed the massive lever that would cast my ballot, bonding me with Barack Obama forever.  His breath warm on my neck, my sweat-slicked fingers wrapped around it, slowly moving it to the right.

I screamed out in pleasure as my vote was recorded; the thunderous clank of the gears ringing out in the gym.  The curtains flew open behind us... our love for each other would be exposed.

Startled, I spun around... my hand not leaving the machine.  I had so much to explain, so many feelings I needed to get out.

But just as quickly as my black knight came...he was gone.  I gazed around the gymnasium for seconds that turned into minutes that turned into hours...seeing nothing but a few scattered elderly poll workers.

Had I imagined it?  Was Barack Obama real?

That night, I settled into bed, watching as Barack captured a record breaking 90% of the vote.  Democrats picked up Senate seats in Idaho, Wyoming, and even Utah, despite there not even being a Senate race there.  A smile spread across my face as I saw him stride confidently to the podium, ready to declare victory.

But before he spoke, he gazed directly into the camera.  And again, directly into my soul.  He gave me a sly smile and winked knowingly before starting his address.

At that moment, I knew that we both felt the same rush of destiny.  He was my president, now.  And I was his constitutent.

And I'd never felt so happy.  Or alive.

Wow... that got me all hot. 

Actually... that was very very VERY well written, but it only affirmed my hatred of trashy romance novels.

[YRABNNRM]

As much as I would hate to see McCain pick Romney, I would like to see more of these moments...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXGMi7a53jA

This shows that Romney is a man of the people, mixing it up with every day Americans, and that he has significant support in the black community.

[King]

I lol'd at this:

I just actually read through this thread.  lol @ the amount of wiggers around here.  Typical white upper-middle class suburban trash teens who want to act like uneducated blacks.

Let's see what I can get out of this one

...later...

This ghetto junkie won't ever be half as smart as George Bush.

True dat.

[Small Business Owner of Any Repute]

Wow... that got me all hot. 

Actually... that was very very VERY well written, but it only affirmed my hatred of trashy romance novels.

Hey.  Both hands on the keyboard.

[John Dibble]

It's funny because it's so horrendously bad, not because of the content of the joke:

Dr nobel made the peace prize so why can't he create  such a thing as a noble lie? lol

[MarkWarner08]

Your english is fine and you are right but sometimes we can't do anything about it.

[King]

Dc_united_15 is the best we've had in a long time.

[Хahar 🤔]

I forgot anyways, In Ireland all first-time undergraduate degrees are paid for by the state.

You have to remember when typing about the United States - it is a brutal, savage, benighted land.

You have to remember when typing about your opinions - you're a wuss.

The worst comeback I've read on this forum.

[Kaine for Senate '18]

If Obama doesn't get Florida's EVs I'd prefer that McCain just landslide in Florida, because Florida is an AWFUL state. I could never imagine how awful it would be to live in that disgusting pile of sh!t.

Dude, you live in Minnesota.

[DownWithTheLeft]

I guess the same reason of me care that prediction that were made 4 to 5 months ago are avg into the prediction map.

I would try to answer that but its not even close to anything intelligible

Ok, then don't, you don't have to post in this thread.

[Filuwaúrdjan]

In response to an, admittedly very stupid, thread calling McCain a fascist:

You're useless, time to push for a ban.

[YRABNNRM]

I was right next to Peter as he typed this in the Apple store! He wasn't holding me for ransom though. 

Yeah, but what about 'uncle tony'?

"Uncle Tony" "died," remember? So did "Cousin Frank."

I though you said 'Uncle Tony' was a stereotype.

...



Yes, it is. Assad used it as a joke. It obviously didn't happen. "Uncle Tony" was only used because I am 100% Italian. It's a stereotype but I found it funny.

Funny, but I had the impression you were an American (well, from Pennsylvia).

[YRABNNRM]

I love going to the Apple Store even though I'm a straight Republican. They have a ton of gay employees, but the one here has a nice blonde that walks around.

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

But guys, it's David Zucker! The visionary director behind such masterpieces as Scary Movie 3, Scary Movie 4 and the up-coming, highly-anticipated Scary Movie 5.

[Filuwaúrdjan]

But I'm not sure Harris Wofford's family would appreciate the ad - it's especially jolting when someone's death is reported in an attack ad.

[Alcon]

Coattails don't work in that direction.

Morbo: COATTAILS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!

[MarkWarner08]

I think I may have an explanation for Obama in North Dakota which would actually play in on his candidacy, but I'm still trying to figure out why it's occurring.

Which is?

Sam and Al: The masters of vague.

They can be campaign speechwriters.  It'd have to be for Obama, though, as neither uses "my friends" as part of their vocabulary.

[YRABNNRM]

You must be logged in to read this quote.

If I had had tried for NYU and ended up at Stony Brook I would have low morale too.

[DownWithTheLeft]

BUMP, Comedy Goldmine's cannot end up on Page 2

[opebo]

I forgot anyways, In Ireland all first-time undergraduate degrees are paid for by the state.

You have to remember when typing about the United States - it is a brutal, savage, benighted land.

You have to remember when typing about your opinions - you're a wuss.

The worst comeback I've read on this forum.

Thanks.  I thought so too.  When I read this originally I thought 'yeah, so what?  that's beside the point'.

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

This is pathetic.  It's Hezbollah, not Hizballah

[Хahar 🤔]

This is pathetic.  It's Hezbollah, not Hizballah

Says the guy who referred to Kim Jong-il as "Il". And unlike that incident, Hizballah is a perfectly legitimate (if nonstandard) transliteration, thanks to the peculiarities of the Arabic language.