LOA Through March 18th (Proxy Withdrawn As of April 22nd)

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

I should have posted this last week, but in standard form under estimated the seriousness of the situation (health related) and my ability to get on during that time.

I apologize for any inconvenience my absence has or will cause but real life must come first, especially with regards to personal health and well-being.  

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

Towards the end of February, I began to suffer from panic attacks at work. These were the result of an increasing fear of further work related injuries, and a resulting urgent desire to do something different to avoid this. At the same time the feeling of being restrained by fear of disruption and loss of the benefits of the present job (short travel distance, health insurance, etc), led to periods of overwhelming stress.

As a result of this I began to seek out careen counseling and also a means of addressing anxiety and stress through either counseling or some other treatment. This process was underway in early March and I thought that perhaps through this some resolution might be obtained. However, these efforts fell apart as the "professional" I was working with abruptly dropped me claiming inability to address my needs, in spite of listing all of my needs as expertise.

Something much worse had just transpired days prior though. Right before leaving work on a Sunday in early March (I think the fifth), I tripped on a retaining strap and injured my right (bad) knee. This forced me to go through the workman's compensation process and as if that alone was not torture enough, I was forced to drive myself one day after a knee injury in a six hour bureaucratic run around and this undoubtedly worsened the injury. Braking with the left foot and trying to control a car in traffic while keeping a stationary right leg has been been the most dangerous activity I have ever engaged in. It was certainly physically painful, enough to make one long for the digitization of everything possible and the consolidation of medical facilities like radiology under the same roof, or at least more consideration for transportation.  

I was forced to return to work "by the system" just three days after the injury, though fortunately in a contrived sit down capacity answering the telephone. I argued that this was premature and am convinced that my health and safety has been repeatedly placed into secondary consideration. No consideration was provided for transportation, "since the provider of choice didn't note it in the file". I certainly mentioned after having to drive to the doctors, drive back to get a paper no one could fax there, drive back to the doctors, drive to radiologist, drive back to the doctors and then drive back to my place of work to drop off papers that once again couldn't be faxed or emailed in 2023. The ability to get in and out of the building was also not considered and when I inquired about it, produced an irritated response of "we'll come up with something". I ended up using a shopping cart as a walker.

Even so for a while I was thinking that it was getting better. However, I now have shooting pain that started yesterday and pain on the right side of the knee, whereas previously it was centered on the left side of the knee. I go back to the "provider of choice" on Monday. I am also likely going to have to go to my doctor on Tuesday since I am not satisfied with the care or concern provided by the system in this regards. An example of this was that the "provider of choice" proscribed medication on a script pad in 2023, as if I can walk that into a pharmacy and drop it off. My primary care doctor proscribed me a different medication, sent it to the pharmacy electronically and I got it through the drive thru pharmacy.

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

Gonna aim to get back on Tuesday.

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

So I went back to the doctor on Tuesday, since it was easier to go on a day that I was off versus one that I worked. Normally what you would do when interacting with a doctor is tell them what you are dealing with or at least so I thought. I was in the process of explaining where, how and when, I am feeling pain in various parts of the right knee and suddenly she cuts me off mid sentence, declares that "the swelling is gone so I am removing the work restrictions".

I am still experiencing pain, the joint is still weak but because of this doctor and the inflexible process, I am expected to return to my regular job.

I am also basically forced by the system to keep going back to this doctor. The only way for me to see anyone else is to have them close the file. Apparently state law plays a role in this as well, which is just dandy.

The system is not designed to help victims, that's the most obvious conclusion I can come to. 

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

Update on the present situation:

1. Just over a week ago, the other knee gave out. In the time since I have been able to recover substantially in both, but the right remains weak and of deep concern. I hurt far too much last Saturday, the work days have been brutal ever since and spent much of Tuesday asleep to try and recover.

2. Beyond just the pain and potential problems that underpin the lingering physical knee problems, as well as what might be causing it, is the overwhelming fear of repeating the injury and this ties in with the flashbacks of the injury.

3. A substantial component of this whole saga is mental health and I was already in a weakened state in this regards prior to the injury, as I alluded to in a previous post. I am certain that this is substantially related to the dynamic mentioned above and why I am even more susceptible to the resulting panic attacks and constant replaying of the events in my head.

4. It was already, even before the injury, a building likelihood that April was just not in the cards for running for office. The situation since has pushed that beyond an impossibility and as such I will not be running for reelection to the Senate. I hate to be forced to leave one of the positions I have most enjoyed in this game because of this unfortunate situation, but I have to prioritize real life necessity.

5. For the present, I need to ease myself back into things in chunks to avoid overwhelming myself and I hope to do that over the coming days.
 - If it has not been started already I need LT to start the April nomination process in the convention.
 - If there is a critical vote ending immediately, if we are still able to do proxies (I know Muaddib was doing this for a while), then I give mine to West Midlander.

The ability to reduce my stress load is unavoidable necessity, and my ability to ease back into the game over the next few days will require a bit of cooperation from everyone involved in order to make that possible. However, when push comes to shove, I will have to put my health first.

I thank you in advance for your understanding.

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

I hope you'll get better soon.

Obviously, this too. Despite my earlier question, I don't actually want a moderator vacancy. That would be bad.

I don't foresee leaving completely. The main limitation was being able to get on frequently enough to satisfy the demands of the Senate and the the stress of the backlog and needing to catch up as well as the expected usual drama and all the other crap this place brings snowballed and overwhelmed me, causing panic attacks. I was already having them because of the injury and fear of reinjury, or making it worse, but then these started happening because of how long I had been off the site. Two weeks ago was the breaking point, which led to the post above. I did not expect it to take another two weeks after that, but as I said, I was going to put my real life concerns first and I did.

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

I am withdrawing the proxy authorization. I thank Westy for his efforts over the past two weeks and I hated to have to burden him so much with this, especially since as I envisioned it at the time, it would be like 3 days max until the following Tuesday when I expected to have a chance to catch up. So I am especially grateful that he kept with it when things played out differently.

The reasons I chose Westy are as follows:
1. Same Party, Region, Sub Region
2. Similar views on most of the major issues I care about
3. Most disagreements (the few that there are) are matters that I am less invested in.
4. To express my appreciation for his contributions.

I also envisioned it that LT would pick up the load in the convention while Westy picked up the load in the Senate. I did not have a chance to really communicate with either prior to the post, which was unfortunate, but as I saw, if I couldn't handle the Atlas at that point, I most certainly was not going on Discord.

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

Two weeks ago was the breaking point, which led to the post above. I did not expect it to take another two weeks after that, but as I said, I was going to put my real life concerns first and I did.

Gotta take care of yourself first.  After all, this is just a game...it comes secondary to everything else. 

The main limitation was being able to get on frequently enough to satisfy the demands of the Senate and the the stress of the backlog and needing to catch up as well as the expected usual drama and all the other crap this place brings snowballed and overwhelmed me, causing panic attacks.

Man...if the game is giving you panic attacks, and you're no longer having fun, perhaps you should consider leaving it.  It would be a HUGE loss for the game, for sure...but like I said, you have to take care of your own health first.  This game is not worth losing your mind or life over.

That said, I'm very happy to see you back in the fold.  Prayers and good vibes for continued recovery coming your way!

Stay good, my friend. 

That's why I decided to retire in the April elections. If the same thing starts happening in another way even with that step taken, then yes it would be on the table.

I appreciate the well wishes.