S.23-1.28: Promoting Progressive Policies Act (Debating)
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  S.23-1.28: Promoting Progressive Policies Act (Debating)
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Author Topic: S.23-1.28: Promoting Progressive Policies Act (Debating)  (Read 243 times)
Mr. Reactionary
blackraisin
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« on: March 07, 2023, 01:44:08 PM »

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PROMOTING PROGRESSIVE POLICIES ACT

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1. Notwithstanding any existing provision of Southern law, any State or local government in the South shall be permitted to fund, conduct, or carry out any of the following liberal progressive governnental programs:

A. High Capacity Staple Gun Buyback programs, wherein the government agrees to purchase privately-owned High Capacity Staple Guns from members of the public at a fixed amount to get such Staple Guns off the streets;

B. Sewing Needle Exchange programs, wherein the government allows members of the public to trade or exchange used sewing needles in exchange for new, disease-free sewing needles to limit the spread of HIV and other diseases in the sewing community;

C. Safe Botox Injection Site programs, wherein the government allows members of the public to gather at safe, monitored locations for the purpose of self-injecting botox (botulinum neurotoxin) into themselves to prevent overdoses and other negative health effects associated with unmonitored botox self-administration;

D. Safe Meat Smoking Kit Distribution programs wherein the government distributes upon request Safe Meat Smoking Kits to members of the public to prevent negative health effects associated with unassisted meat smoking or the use of unapproved equipment when meat smoking. For purposes of this provision, Safe Meat Smoking Kits may include spatulas, tongs, grill forks, grill brushes, meat thermometers, basting brushes, charcoal, and mesquite;

E. Trap, Neuter, Release (TNR) programs wherein the government humanely captures eligible feral animals, including feral dogs, cats, and furries, for the purpose of safely spaying or neutering such animals and re-releasing them to the wild to help control explosive population growth in such animal communities;

F. Open Carry Permit programs wherein the government requires persons who wish to openly carry a pair of scissors while running around a swimming pool to obtain a permit to do so from the police, contingent upon proper training and insurance requirements;

G. Inclusive Literacy Promotion programs wherein the government funds or facilitates events at which adult members of motorcycle clubs, military historic reenactment clubs, the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts, gun clubs, the John Birch Society, and private militias read storybooks to children at public schools and libraries in order to normalize such adult activities and viewpoints to children and promote inclusivity;

H. Diversity, Inclusion, and Equity (DIE) programs wherein the government gives preferential treatment to underrepresented and historically marginalized professional sports fandoms in public hiring and applications for public benefits to eradicate discrimination and privilege;

I. Sanctuary City programs wherein the government refuses to cooperate with, coordinate with, participate with, or fund any federal employees seeking to enforce gun control laws;

J. Undocumented Immigrant Card Distribution programs wherein the government provides special library cards to undocumented immigrants;

K. Indoor Air Quality programs wherein the government prohibits the huffing of glue, paint, or other similar noxious and intoxicating fumes in public buildings, bars, and motor vehicles containing children;

L. Mandatory Recycling programs wherein the government requires single-use toilet paper to be recycled in order to promote environmentalism;

M. Grocery Bag Tax programs wherein the government imposes a tax on single-use paper grocery bags in order to promote environmentalism;

N. Meat Substitution Tax programs wherein the government imposes a tax on the sale of tofu or other plant-based meat substitutes in order to combat climate change;

O. Inclusive Driver's License programs wherein the government allows persons applying for driver's licenses to mark "other" when asked for their weight to prevent exclusion against non-trinary persons who do not identify as three-dimensional;

P. Maximum Drink Size programs wherein the government prohibits businesses from selling kombucha to the public in volumes determined to be excessive and detrimental to human health;

Q. One Knife A Month programs wherein the government limits members of the public from purchasing more than one (1) watermelon knife per month, excepting members of law enforcement, manufacturers and merchants, collectors, and professional cooks or chefs, to promote public safety and commonsense knife control;

R. Procreation Pride Month programs in the month of June wherein the government sponsors and promotes parades, events, and other public activities to celebrate and bring awareness and tolerance to families, parenthood, and human procreation;

S. Left-Handed History Month programs wherein the government sponsors and promotes school curriculum, events, and other public activities to celebrate, inform, and bring awareness and tolerance to left-handed persons and their contributions to Atlasian history;

T. Homeless Assistance programs wherein the the government provides or funds the distribution of large, decorative carboard boxes and recycled newspapers to homeless camps;

U. Progressive Discipline programs in public schools wherein the government limits the disproportionate application of suspensions and expulsions as a punishment for disciplinary violations against left handed persons;

V. Gender Neutral Office Supply Display programs wherein the government prohibits retailers from displaying office supplies for sale in ways which advertise, target, call attention to, or discriminate against customers on the basis of sex;

W. Gender Neutral Swimming Pool programs wherein the government owns, leases, operates, constructs, or designates public swimming pool facilities that are gender neutral and not exclusive to members of a single sex;

X. Civilian Police Review Board programs wherein the government establishes public boards comprised of law enforcement officers to investigate, scrutinize, and issue reports on accusations of impropriety committed by civilian bureaucrats in the performance of their official duties;

Y. Reparations programs wherein the government compensates persons previously convicted of tobacco and marijuana crimes or who wrongfully had firearms seized pursuant to a red flag law to further reparative justice and equity. Compensation may be in the form of tobacco, marijuana, or ammunition respectively;

Z. Inclusive Bathroom Toiletry Dispensing programs wherein the government provides free-to-use toilet paper, hand soap, and paper towel dispensers in all public bathrooms regardless of the sex designation thereof; and

AA. Inclusive Introductions Training programs wherein the government provides training to public employees to encourage them to communicate their birthday when first introducing themselves to members of the public or co-workers.

2. The Legislative Definitions Amendment Act shall be amended to include the following:

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P. All uses of the phrase limb amputation in the Southern Code or in any other Southern law or regulation shall be defined as the physical removal of any of the following: finger, hand, arm, toe, foot, leg, breast, or genitalia excluding the foreskin.

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5. All uses of the word paralyzed in the Southern Code or in any other Southern law or regulation shall be revised mutatis mutandis to and defined as the term Person of Wheelchair;

6. All uses of the word constipated in the Southern Code or in any other Southern law or regulation shall be revised mutatis mutandis to and defined as the term fiber-challenged

3. This act shall take effect immediately.
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reagente
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« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2023, 11:16:22 AM »

Motion for a final vote. 24 hours for objections.
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reagente
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« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2023, 07:54:51 PM »

Aye
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UlmerFudd
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« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2023, 08:13:21 PM »

aye
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RFayette
Junior Chimp
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« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2023, 08:19:36 PM »

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fhtagn
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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2023, 09:25:03 PM »

Aye
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