What Comes After: A 2024 Game (Gameplay-PAUSED)

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD ANNOUNCES NEW BOOK, "BURN: HOW TO STOP DEMOCRAT AGENDA OF CHILD MUTILATION AND IMMIGRANT DISEASES" WITH TOUR IN 2023

At his new home in Charleston, South Carolina, disgraced lawyer and conspiracy theorist Lin Wood has announced the publication of his new book, Burn: How to Stop Democrat Agenda of Child Mutilation and Immigrant Diseases, along with a book tour. The tour will focus mainly on early primary states, such as Iowa, New Hampshire, Wood's adopted home state of South Carolina, and Nevada.

Wood's book discusses generally repulsing themes that accuse Democrats of forcing teachers to hold down small students and mutilate them, along with the immigration crisis. Wood's solution? Forcing teachers to take loyalty tests, only hiring "pure" Christian teachers, and closing the border unilaterally for an indefinite period of time.

Wood has kept his 2024 ambitions subtle but has said he will consider his options now that former boss Donald Trump is out of the picture. Wood has stated, however, that he believes he is "the only potential candidate with the BALLS to stand up to the Democrats, their radical agenda, and the forcing down of false stories like 9/11 and that the Earth is somehow spherical." At the end of his announcement, Wood made a series of erratic statements such as "Rosie O'Donnell should be tried for war crimes," "Tulsi Gabbard was sent by God to cure erectile dysfunction," and wrapped up his speech with a series of noises that appeared to quote former President Trump when he said "Bing bing bong bong bong bing bing."

Below is an image that Lin Wood handed out to media reporters at the end of the speech

Image from Wikimedia Commons

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD BEGINS BOOK TOUR, FOCUSING ON EARLY STATES

Over the last few weeks, conspiracy theorist and disgraced attorney Lin Wood has been touring early primary states to promote his book, Burn: How to Stop Democrat Agenda of Child Mutilation and Immigrant Diseases. The book has had a rocky start so far, debuting at #110 on The New York Times Best Sellers' List. The book's themes are, as renowned literary critic Harold Bloom puts it, "a weird mishmash of bigotry, threats of violence, misinterpretations of the US Constitution, and one must not forget the final chapter." The final chapter of Wood's book is, Wood claims, written by President Joe Biden. Wood uses it as "proof" that the 80-year-old commander-in-chief is "senile" and "mentally unstable." However, it's very clearly written by Wood, as the chapter displays a Biden that confesses to alleged crimes committed by his son Hunter and eventually goes into a racist rant concluding with, "I loved Strom Thurmond's illegitimate daughter."

The book has, however, gained steam in right wing circles. In an interview with Newsmax, Wood claimed that the book was doing so well that the RNC should cancel all Republican primaries and that the US should get rid of the 22nd Amendment, in preparation for a likely presidential run. What success Wood claims he will have are expected to be slim to none, after his abysmal showing in the race for South Carolina GOP Chair in the early days of the Biden administration. Aside from recent trips to early primary states, Wood did not campaign at all in the 2022 election cycle, aside from one event with disgraced Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Below is an excerpt of Wood's remarks at every event promoting his book:

HELLO AMERICANS! 'Tis I, Lucian Lincoln "Lin" Wood. You know what Wood is? Wood is hard. And folks, I want to get America hard. I want to get America hard for the Chinese Communist Party to beat. I want to get America hard for rebuilding our economy and ditching Cocaine Mitch. God willing, the last few years will be wiped away in the history books. You know why? Because they're illegitimate. Joe Biden did not win this election, you'd have to be a fool not to realize that. Donald J. Trump won that vote with at least 70%, probably 80%, and 570 electoral college votes. He did so well, they added an extra 35 electoral college votes. Speaking of the electoral college, how many of you went to college? Well, I didn't super duper finish middle school, so we fudged the records and now I'm a lawyer! Speaking of education, we need to start educating these childrens the truth about our history. I already told you about the 2020 fraud. Now don't forget that 9/11 didn't happen. There ain't no way those planes hit that World Trade Center. That was figments of our imagination implanted in our minds by evil RINO scum, George W. Bush. The W stands for wh*re, not many people are saying that but they tell me because I'm a trustworthy guy. Some might even say I'm the most trustworthy, perhaps more than Zeus. Those planes were sent to the Trade Center via CGI from Steve Jobs, who isn't really dead, he's just taking cover so they don't find the Pizzagate files. In conclusion, the earth is flat, weather is fake, and God will rain hellfire on all sinners, but only the Dems.

After the first event, in Des Moines, Iowa, Wood walked off the stage, he shook hands with the 6 people that showed up and then was heard on a hot mic making lewd comments about Independent former Congresswoman and alleged Russian asset, Tulsi Gabbard.

You know the only reason I'm doing this is to meet Tulsi, right? Did you see her on Tucker last night? Wow. She's Samoan but she needs some mo' in her. Get it? Do you get it? Did you hear me? Did you hear the words that exited my mouth area? Do you understand my euphemism?
Quack quack.

Image from Wikimedia Commons

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD TWEETS RESPONSE TO HALEY, RELEASES STATEMENT ON POTENTIAL 2024 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

Warning: This is satire. Don't take it seriously, morons (respectfully).

Tweet made on CodeBeautify's Tweet Generator

Glad tithings, 'tis I, Lin Wood, Paula Deen's Sugar Daddy. After my kick-a** tweet on failed RINO disgraced Gov. Nikki Haley did so well, I decided to bless the United States with my thoughts on all of my potential challengers, should I decide to throw my hat in the ring!

First, the Democrats. Let's start with the so-called "frontrunner," Kamala. I saw her on Colbert. I didn't watch it obviously, I don't watch that propaganda, I only watch real news like Newsmax and Tucker Carlson and Bill O'Reilly of course (and if I'm feeling frisky, Chris Cuomo). I was amazed that the illegitimate Vice President was able to string a sentence together without laughing maniacally. I can't decide whether she's just plain incompetent and stupid or if she has a serious mental disability that forces her to laugh at Venn diagrams, yellow school buses, and the passage of time. Even if the fraud machine still tries to put the fix in for Kam Kam, she'd still lose. Let's just say that when the history books are written, and America has its first female president, that little girl AIN'T you.

Pete Buttigieg. As I like to call him, Pete Butt. Mayor Butt. Secretary Butt. People think Donald John Trump came up with that, and as I always say, give all the glory to God so I will. But I did assist him. For some reason every time I see his face on television, I think of "Thomas the Tank Engine." Well, guess what! George Carlin is dead and he won't be narrating your train to the station this time, Secretary Butt!

JB Pritzker. What is there to say about JB? I could make a fat joke but that's just too easy. Let's make fun of his wallet. He's the Governor of one of the biggest states in America, one of the fastest-growing states in America. Yet he still isn't the most impressive Pritzker. He's like the Rock but shorter, weaker, and a Demonrat. How could it get worse? I don't think the earth is spherical, it's flat. But I do believe that JB is.

Big Gretch. Gretchy Gretchy Whit Whit. Gretchy. Whitster. Whitmeister. I don't have much to say about her, the Whitmeister. What I will say is that I am in expert in s**thole states. Trust me, I was born in North Carolina and I live in South Carolina. Michigan is a disgusting vat of filth. She has made the Detroit metropolitan area of 2023 look worse than Flint, Michigan under Rick Snyder.

Gavin Newsom and I have one thing in common. At one point or another, we used Kimberly Guilfoyle as a prostitute. HA! Kidding. Laughing, not serious AT ALL! Just like his buddy Kam Kam, he got his political career from Willie Brown. Gavin was appointed by Mayor Brown, Kamala did some...extracurricular work. Anyway...

AOC. An Obvious C**t. Just kidding, we love AOC. AOC is so inept, even I could beat her. I would say she's the Democrats' version of Marjorie Taylor Greene but let's be real, AOC will never get a chance to be on the Democrat ticket whereas MTG could feasibly be the nominee in 4-8 years time. She claims she could hear the freedom fighters making their voices known on January 6 but fellow Congresswoman, Nancy Mace, disputes the claim. Don't worry, Alexandria, they weren't coming for you. They're only worried about people with innate power, of which you have none. Enjoy getting 5% in New Hampshire!

Rotund Khannulas. Ro Peep. Ro Ro Ro your Khanna gently down the trail, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but getting <1% in South Carolina. Boom roasted.

Kirsten Gillibrand. When I evaluate female candidates, I look at the most important qualities in presidents: body type, body count, their tone, and whether or not they can PMS. Let's look at Kirst's. Kirstie. Kirstie Alley? Are they related? Let's look into that. Body type, it changes daily. Some days she's fat, some day she's a twig. Her weight fluctuates more than Lady Di when Charles went on trips with Camilla. Too soon? Wait a minute. Camilla...Kamala, Are they related? Speaking of which, I'll be opening a special counsel investigation into that when I'm President. Oh crap, I haven't announced. It won't matter, no one's reading this. Body count. Well I have a feeling it's either 2 or 2 million. It's definitely closer to 2 million. How else could you get this high in New York politics without racking up a high body count. Just ask Kamala! Next, tone. Her tone is very deaf. After all, she canceled Al Franken for simply expressing love to his co-star! I don't like Al's politics but I love his sense of style. Does she still PMS? Look at her. Greeyyyyy gardens. This is the last Democrat, I ONLY DO TOP TIER, RELEVANT CANDIDATES!

Ron DeSantis has a squeaky voice. Boom roasted. Kristi Noem doesn't knowm the noemenclature. Boom roasted. Josh Hawley? More like Josh Hotley. I might switch teams for him which spells trouble for his presidential ambitions. Larry Hogan beat cancer. That's a great victory, one we should all celebrate. What we should not be celebrating his term as Governor. He never nuked that s**thole city of Baltimore. Boom roasted. Young Kin. Glenn Allen Young Kin. GAYK. The hint is in the name. Boom roasted. Mike Pence hates gay people but that still isn't the worst part of his record. Not many people know this, so you're welcome for me telling you, but Mike Pence hasn't gotten his hair corn-rowed. He ought to be disqualified for this office. Boom roasted. Roger Stone is the only other legitimate candidate in this race. He has a tattoo of Nixon, check. He has a weird tick everytime he gets questioned under oath. And he got convicted on witness tampering, obstructing proceedings, and lying to Congress. If Roger wanted to team up with me, my phone is always available. Unfortuantely I don't have service in the States, so he'll have to call my phone number which is tied to my offshore accounts in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales. You know what my issue with Matt Gaetz is? It's not the plausible sex trafficking and pedophilia. My issue is his face. He looks like if Mack from the Pixar film "Cars" was a person. Mike Lindell is the other common sense candidate, so if my old buddy wants to drop out and endorse me, I'll leave a trail of cocaine that leads to my house. Can someone wake Ben Carson up? Does he even know he's running for president? Well when he eventually loses, someone let him know that there's an offer for him to serve as a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race. Kari Lake could've made it as a prostitute but decided to go to a dirtier profession: journalism. If it were up to me, she'd be America's new Walter Cronkite. There are other candidates, but they are BOTTOM TIER LOSERS and I look forward to receiving their endorsements. Good night and good morrow, Chef Ramsey!

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD ANNOUNCES 2024 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IN DUBUQUE, IOWA TO LARGEST CROWD IN AMERICAN HISTORY

DISCLAIMER: The following is all satire. I do not believe the bile that Mr. Wood is about to express and do not condone any form of violence. This is merely pointing out that as bizarre as what's below, Lin Wood could very well say this if he were to run for office.

Today, disgraced attorney Lin Wood announced his candidacy in the 2024 Republican presidential race at a speech in Dubuque, Iowa. Wood's recently hired campaign spokesman, former White House Press Secretary and "Dancing With The Stars" contestant Sean Spicer, claimed that the crowd in Dubuque was the largest crowd in American history. However, journalists on the ground say that there was a crowd of nearly 30 people that showed up for his speech, with reportedly 20 of those people hired by the Wood campaign. Wood's slogan is "Get America Hard...*Like wood." Below is an excerpt of his nearly 4-hour and 32-minute speech.

Hello fellow patriots! 'Tis I, Lin Wood! And for our illegal Americans, YO SOY LIN WOOD! I want you to know that I am officially a candidate for the Presidency of the United States of America. And I want to tell you why I'm running. Priority #1 is to get rid of Obergefell and the so-called "Respect for Marriage Act." Priority #2 is to abolish gun control, stoping the Deep State, promote qAnon truths, lowering taxes for the top 0.5%, end Muslim math, and defund vaccinations! We will defund NIH, the WHO, the FDA, and the Department of the Interior!

Wood continued:

My mother used to tell me stories from the Bible every night before bed. God created Earth, as well as Adam and Eve in less than a week. God didn't create two husbands or two wives. He didn't create Adam and Steve, or Madame and Eve, he created Adam and Eve. I am a firm believer in traditional marriage, but if you are a gay keep it to yourself. I won't ask, and you better not tell me. Frankly, I've had enough of these gay supremacy parades that roll around every June. It makes me not look forward to June despite all the wonderful trees and flowers that abound. BLM, ANTIFA, Joe Biden, and Kamala Harris RIGGED this last election. Folks, we are on a revenge tour. And it starts today in Dubuque. Additionally, we must stop the influx of terrorists in our country. I am calling for a complete and total ban of Muslims in America. Any country that challenges American ideals and policies, we will bomb the living s**t out of them! Can I get an Amen? Israel is one of our most valued allies, and even though we do not agree with their ideology or religion, we must defend them. President Wood will nuke Palestine. Speaking of defense, we're gonna require public service for ALL Americans. I don't care how old you are, I don't care if you are gay, straight, transgenderformer, whatever, you're going. NEXT!

It's time to hold the Biden, Clinton, and Obama families accountable. Too many people have suffered under their regime and let me just say, I believe the First Lady should be a REAL LADY. It shouldn't be a man, and I'm looking at you, Michelle. Or should I say, MICHAEL? I need to see for myself if Michelle/Michael is a real woman. So give me some proof or we will deport you. Don't test me because I am clearly mentally unstable. As for its "husband," how do we know if Barack was born here? He could be Obama bin Ladin, it's possible! #ObamaDid9/11

Hillary Clinton is a sadist, she is a war-monger, she is a murderer, and she is a pedophile. So we will be arresting and injecting a lethal injection into Bill and Hillary, as well as John Podesta. Also, Joe has been hiding in his basement, and how do we know if Beau is really dead? There's really no way to know. So I am calling for the FBI, CIA, and the Department of Labor to swarm the Biden Basement at Biden Manor to FIND BEAU. IS HE DEAD OR IS HE ALIVE?

We will be calling for an investigation into Hillary Clinton's sexuality. She just doesn't seem very feminine. She's hiding it from the American people, can I get an Amen? This homosexual rage she has deep down inside her caused her to assassinate our beloved President John F. Kennedy. #IfKennedyWereAliveTodayHeWouldBeARepublican.

Socialism is alive and well today, and we will not be defeated the way that Sad Loser Liberal Socialist Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. And let me just say folks, I will be dismissing, FIRING, the Justices that refuse to acknowledge the illegitimate 2020 election and replacing them with Newsmax and OANN hosts. I can't wait to campaign all over this great Nation and spread my message of love and positivity. Oops, I almost forgot, immigrants are coming to rape your children. Thank you, Iowa!

Logo created myself on Keynote

[VirginiaAaron]

OPEN LETTER FROM WOOD 2024 CAMPAIGN TO "THE DEEP STATE

Deer Deep State. 'Tis I, Lin Wood, candidate for President. Since it is clear that you are fully in the tank for Kamala Devi Harris's SHAMpaign and are trying to rig voting centers for her to allow her to clear the Democratic field and defeat the Republican nominee, me, I feel it's unfair to do this without giving me a chance to earn your support. I will clear my schedule for your excellencies at any time, day, or place. You name it, I'll be there. Love, Lin.

PRESS RELEASE TO PATRIOTS FOLLOWING LETTER TO THE DEEP STATE

FEAR NOT FELLOW PATRIOTS. I am not defecting to The Deep State! I am simply trying to infiltrate their cabal of child molesters and pizza eaters to bring information about them to light for the good of the American people. If you think about it, in a way, I'm like Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, and James Buchanan combined with a hint of Lady Diana, Princess of Wales. I suspect that members of the Deep State include the Clintons, the Obamas, Bill Gates, Vladimir Putin, Beyoncé, Warren Buffett, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Kim Jong Un, Sam Bankman-Fried, Nikki Fried, and Elizabeth Holmes, among others. Speaking of Lizzy Lizzy Holm Holmes, I will be pardoning her DAY ONE. She did NOTHING WRONG. R-N-S-P-E-E-T find out what it mean to me, R-N-S-P-T-T-T take care OF TCT, sak it to me sak it to me sak it to me sak it to me sak it to me sak it to me little RESPENT.

Logo made myself

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD ATTEMPTS TO STORM DEBATE STAGE BUT IS FORCIBLY REMOVED BY SECURITY, INSTEAD SETS UP REMOTE DEBATE FROM NEWSMAX STUDIOS

1. An Opening Statement

GREETINGS INFIDELS! 'TIS I, LIN WOOD! Even though the media doesn't want me on this stage, I AM HERE. You know, the media once tried to shun two other great powerful men, and it didn't stop their rise to power. You know who I'm talking about Jesus Christ and Donald Trump. Christians believe that there is one God in three persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. I say there are four: the Father (God), the Son (Jesus), the grandson (Donald Trump), and the Holy Ghost (me, of course). In 2016, the media tried to shun Donald Trump's candidacy because they were afraid he would defeat Crooked Hillary. Well, guess what? He did. The media, run by Barack Obama, Pontius Pilate, and Satan (Hillary again) and the other corporate elites of the day like Bill Gates and Samesung, tried to silence Jesus because they were afraid of His healing powers. Well folks it's happening again. The media is trying to shun me for standing up for what I believe in. They know this last election was stolen, and we're going to right that wrong and MAKE AMERICA HARD...(like wood).

2. Raise your hand if you believe that Donald J. Trump is the rightful winner of the 2020 Presidential Election (Say if you raised your hand and if you like, write one or two sentences)

*hand raised* Only an idiot would say that our Great and Glorious, Wonderful Leader HRH Donald J. Trump lost this last election. If you think about it, democracy is one of many core principles from our Founding Fathers. We must stick to their principles. Allow only white, HETEROSEXUAL, land-owning MEN to vote. If you count those legal votes, Trump wins in a landslide. And if we do that this election, WOOD wins and AMERICA GETS HARD the way I do for Tulsi. Did you hear me? Hey Neil, did you hear the words coming out of my mouth area? Ainsley do you have Tulsi's number? *begins mouthing and signaling "Call me."

3. Who is your favorite Republican President in your lifetime? (Keep your answer concise, 2-4 sentences)

Chester Arthur for signing the Stamp Act and for not slandering a good man in King George III.

4. The United States has an out of control inflation problem. The cost of housing, food, energy, and gasoline is spiraling, what will you do to control inflation and bring down costs for working Americans?

The answer is simple, folks. Abolish all money and appoint Sam Bankman-Fried to be the SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY. If we turn all money into crypto, the value of the dollar will SKYROCKET, just like my pants-tent goes when Tulsi fills in for Tucker. Oops, did I say that? Oops I did it again, I played with your heart. Ya got lost in the game. Oh baby baby, oops you think I'm in love. But I'm sent from aboooooove. I'M NOT. THAT. INNOCENT.

5. Will you support a national abortion ban? Would it be after 15 weeks of pregnancy? 10 weeks? 6? Or would you prohibit all elective abortions?

I would support a national abortion ban and I would instate martial law. With it, there would be forced pregnancies, implanting women and girls at the moment the menstrual cycle begins. And to save time and money, we won't be doing artificial insemination. Rather, we just force all girls that have begun menstruating from ages 12 to 35 to go on Tinder and swipe right on every male that appears on their screen. This ensures that the US will continue its dominance in terms of population growth, rapes per capita, teenage pregnancies per capita, and increases Tom Jones's sex bombs per capita. Sex bomb sex bomb you're a sex bomb and baby you could turn me on. Is Tom Jones still alive? Can we get Martha MacCallum on the line? Martha? Are you there? Can you hear me? Damn phone. This is why I need to switch off of Boost Mobile and straight to NetTalk. Hello? It's me, Lin. Lin Wood, disgraced former attorney of Donald J. Trump. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet, maybe to go over...everything. You know, I once heard that time's supposed to heal you. But I ain't done much healing. Hello? Do you hear the words coming out of the hole in my face which has lips, saliva, teeth, gums, tongue, and a voice box? Really really really wanna zigga zigga. IF YA WANNABE MY LOVER, YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY FRIENDS. MAKE IT LAST FOREVER, FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS. IF YA WANNABE MY LOVER, YA GOTTA SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM SLAM YA BODY DOWN AND WIND IT ALL AROUND. Mel B was the best spice girl.

LIN WOOD WAS NOT GIVEN A PERSONAL QUESTION, SO HE WROTE ONE FOR HIMSELF: Mr. Wood, you have claimed that the earth is flat, that the 9/11 attacks didn't happen, and more recently you called on Georgia Governor Brian Kemp to be imprisoned, among others, for not overturning the results of the 2020 election in Georgia. How can you possibly expect the American people to forgive you for such egregious acts?

Simple. I'm not apologizing so they don't need to forgive me. Why should I apologize for something I meant? In fact, I don't think I went further enough. The Revolutionary War was fake. Know how I know? Ask any person alive if they remember the Revolutionary War. I guarantee you they say no. If no one saw it, that means it didn't happen. Civil war? Didn't happen. FDR was a truly disgusting person. But not because of the internment camps, but because of the New Deal. End of quote. Repeat the line. Listen fat. I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun. Kids loved jumping up on my lap when I was a lifeguard. And I loved kids jumping up on my lap. In conclusion, I am running for President not just to make America hard (like wood), but I mostly want to empty the White House pool and fill it up with golden dollar coins so I can repeat the scene from that movie where Scrooge McDuck jumps into and then swims in a pool of gold. And hopefully, Tulsi will be there too. I would also like to thank PETA for assisting me in my campaign. Sayonara muchachos!

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD REBUTTAL TO KRISTI NOEM'S BRUTALLY VICIOUS AND SLANDEROUS ATTACK

Good morrow and good day, fellow citizens of Panem. A few months ago, I got a call from the Office of Governor Kristi Noem. They asked me to meet her at her office in Pierre. So I did. I flew to s**t state South Dakota on MY OWN DIME to meet with Kristi Noem, who I thought was a decent governor considering the fact that she is a woman. Right then and there, she proposed marriage. Because she knows the only chance of her coming to the White House is as my First Lady. She was very eager, but I declined her proposal. I have a very strict policy of only being romantically involved with very butch, strong black nurses.

Now "Governor" Garden Noem has the AUDACITY to call me a "non-serious" "joke" candidate. Oh, really? If I'm such a "joke," then why am I winning? The so-called "polls" from the mainstream radical leftists marxist Hitlerite Stalinite Maoist Clintonite Obamalation Medledev, YES THE SOCCER PLAYER IS INVOLVED AS WELL, Media have me losing. But someone MUST explain to me how when I conduct CHRISTIAN MATH, and not the MUSLIM MATH the radical left media mafia which Noemeo and Juliet is apart of uses, I WIN IN A LANDSLIDE! Also as well it must be considered.

In conclusion, Kirsten Noembrand helped Pope Benedict XVI (which, little known fact, stands for Xtravalent Vicious Icewater) sodomize those little boys. Anybody want some pizza?

Image from Wikimedia Commons

[VirginiaAaron]

I mean you got a candidate who falsely calls herself Governor even though she lost her race, you got Lin Wood engaging in- I mean ya know. It's a mess and that's all I'm gonna say (Laughs)

LIN WOOD'S TWITTER RESPONSE

Millions wonder how he hasn't been banned...

Tweets made on Tweetgen, profile picture from Wikimedia Commons.

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD SPEECH IN THE MIDDLE OF A CASINO AT THE VENETIAN IN LAS VEGAS, NEVADA

Well, folks, it's official! We have hit a major milestone in our polling! The Marxist-Leninist-Phil Scottist-Disney-Iger-GruFromDespicableMeIst-Bidenist-Pavalotskyist-LesterHoltist media finally shows me in the polls! Yesterday I went by the DMV and changed my name to "Undecided/Someone Else." It looks like the cabal of baby eaters have taken note and reflected that in the polling. However, they made a typo. It says we're only at 8%. They meant to do a sideways 8, like this: "∞%".

Additionally, I have a very big announcement. I am honored, privileged, excited, evicted, envigorated, engortiated, and effervescent to announce my UPCOMING WEDDING! Everyone's invited, all of my 2024 pals. I hope everybody comes! We're gonna have a pillow fight, hot chocolate, we'll talk about boys, and watch movies till the sun comes up! We're gonna have sooooo much fun. It would be soooooo cool if you guys came, I really like you all . My brides and I can't wait!

Wedding invitation made myself on Canva, images from Wikimedia Commons

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD PROTESTS REPUBLICAN DEBATE, REFUSES TO SHOW UP DESPITE MILLION DOLLAR CHECK FROM DEBATE SPONSOR, ANSWERS QUESTIONS ON NEWSMAX!

1. Under President Biden America has witnessed a shocking border crisis, with total madness and chaos as thousands of people and unlimited drugs, fentanyl, cocaine, pours into the United States. What steps will you take to bring this crisis under control, and also, how do you approach immigration in general? Do we need controls on all immigration?

When I wrote my book, "Burn: How to Stop Democrat Agenda of Child Mutilation and Immigrant Diseases," I spent an entire chapter talking about how "President" Biden is letting drugs pour into our BEAUTIFUL AMERICA. Instead, Joe should pour the drugs into my mouth. I'd rather me take the brunt of the drugs than our WONDERFUL WHITE CHILDREN. And that's not racist because my makeup artist is gay. Under the Lin Wood administration, ALL immigration will be outlawed. There will only be NATURAL NORMAL PURIFIED AMERICANS IN AMERICA. If you or your parents came here illegally, say goodbye! We gon send you back to Mexico (pronounced meh-HE-coh).

2. Raise your hand if you support cost-controlling reforms to entitlement programs that Senate and House Republicans such as Scott Perry and Jim Jordan are supporting. (You may write one sentence)

I support eliminating all entitlement programs. If you're old, tough. Tough it out like my grandfather Stonewall Jackson did with his buddy Robert E. Lee.

3. Do you support continued monetary and weapons aide to Ukraine in their fight against Putin's Russia?

No. I was hesitant but after listening to my lover, Tulsi Gabbard, I came to my senses. Once I switched my position, the Samoan let me put some moh in her. Ukrainian Nazis must never receive our support. It is inherently UNAMERICAN to support the WOKE RADICAL LEFTIST MARXIST CLINTONITE UKRAINIAN NAZI ZELENSKYY. Russia is acting as a saver of sorts. They are saving the Ukrainian people from tyranny. So to them, I say, SLAVA RUSSIA!

4. What will you do to end the spread of Marxism, woke ideology, and Critical Race Theory in America's public schools?

Simple. Abolish all schools for female students and only allow purified male students to enter public education at age 17. PROBLEM SOLVED!

5. Do you believe that free trade is a net benefit for the American economy?

I believe in NO trade. We need to make EVERYTHING in America. What happened to us helping our favorite corporations. Frankly, we need to sell elements of the federal government to Amazon, Walmart, and Tesla so that we can recuperate our investments and do the other things that must be done. DOJ, BYE BYE. Say goodbye to the DOJ, Department of State, DHS, and the EPA. We're selling them to the Waltons, Jeff BOZOS, and Elon.

6. For reasons unknown to all Americans with sense, Lin was not given a personalized question, so he wrote one for himself: What do you believe America's role should be in the Israel-Palestine conflict? Do you believe in a Two State solution? And what are your thoughts on Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu calling you a "notorious and dangerous antisemite?"

That's a stupid question. I don't know who wrote it but whoever did, you're fired. Get out of my board room. I am proudly endorsed by all of the sharks from Shark Tank. Mr. Wonderful, Robert Herjavec, Mark Cuban, Lori Grenier, Barbara Corcoran, and even Daymond. If that doesn't show my economic acumen, I don't know what will. I have the tools necessary for victory in 2024 and if the Republican Party doesn't give me it, I WILL TAKE IT. *begins pounding fists on the podium like Hitler* WE MUST TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY FROM THE BOURGEOISIE. 我们将为工人、人民和习近平夺回美利坚合众国。请注意，这是一个新时代的黎明。林伍德的时代，林伍德的时代，林伍德的时代。今天就加入我，否则后果自负!

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD PLACES FIRST TV BUY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

Deep in the heat of the campaign trail, the essentially nonexistent Wood 2024 campaign placed its first TV ad buy in the lead-up to the first primaries that will decide who the Republican nominee will be. Wood has raised little to no money thus far and is relying on his own personal fortune along with wired funds from offshore bank accounts in Malta and the Dominican Republic. Wood is also relying on a new relationship with Turkish President Erdoğan and Venezuelan President Maduro will pay dividends when it comes time for Republicans to make their choice.

Wood is betting hard on South Carolina. His campaign team, made up mostly of attention-seeking college students and former Trump staffers that even the disgraced former president deemed "too crazy" to work for him. A decent enough showing to earn Wood a delegate or two could force GOP organizers to give Wood a podium at the debate, which could sell Wood some books in the process. He's also been considering launching a new line of pillows with Mike Lindell. However, the Lindell offices are refusing to answer the phone when Wood calls.

"They're Coming."

Narrator: Illegals: they're coming for you. Caravans of immigrants are coming from Guatemala, El Salvador, Mexico, and all the other Mexatino countries. They're coming to rape you, murder you, and steal your hard-earned money that you got from your trust fund. They're coming to steal America and start the Great Replacement. Who do you want at the Oval Office ordering the bombing of the caravans? Joe Biden is helping the illegals directly with money and support from the Ukrainians. Ron DeSantis is part-immigrant, as is Nimrata Haley. Establishment RINOs won't protect. So who is capable of protecting you?

Lin Wood appears on screen

Wood:I am the only candidate who can protect you from the criminal illegal rapist murdering drug traffickers. This election you have a choice. You can keep going with the same 'ole, same 'ole with Kamala Harris to the left and Ron DeSantis to the right. Clowns to the left of you, jokers to the right AND HERE YOU ARE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH ME!

Narrator (screaming in a terrifying voice): LOOK OUT, THERE'S AN IMMIGRANT COMING IN! Whoops, made ya look (said to the tune of Meghan Trainor's "Made You Look").

Wood: I'm Lin Wood and I approve this message because it's time to Get America Hard... (like Wood).

Logo made myself

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD ANNOUNCES FIRST MAJOR ENDORSEMENT

General Grievous from the Star Wars prequel trilogy has announced he will be endorsing controversial disbarred lawyer Lin Wood for president. Grievous, who is fictional and does not exist, is widely known for his work in the Clone Wars as part of the Separatists. Grievous is also well known for his affiliation with former Jedi Master turned Sith Lord Count Dooku. Grievous also collects the lightsabers of every Jedi he's killed through the years. With Grievous's endorsement, Wood's polling numbers should remain the same, non-existent.

Made with Tweetgen

[VirginiaAaron]

Tweet made with Tweetgen

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD ISSUES PRESS RELEASE AFTER DISMAL PERFORMANCE IN IOWA IN WHICH HE SEEMINGLY CLAIMS VICTORY DESPITE NOT EVEN GETTING 100 CAUCUS VOTES

What a night! It was the night of nights! I'd like to thank the people of Iowa for trusting me with their support. We won every county in Iowa, with >95% of the vote. Try as they did, the mules did not come through. We had multiple poll watchers and pole riders. Even though Joe Biden sent his band of HIV-infested, drug spreading, mules to rig the caucuses against President-elect Lin Wood, it didn't work!

Now we move on to the general election. The good news is that the polls have us AHEAD of Kampala Harris. The cabal of baby-eating socialists were "victorious" via coup d'etat but I assure you, they will not be victorious in 2024. Now that I'm officially the Republican nominee, I am proud to announce that we are vetting vice presidential candidates. At the moment, I have three frontrunners but anyone that would like to apply may do so!

LIN WOOD VICE PRESIDENTIAL SHORTLIST

THE KOOL AID MAN

MO COLLINS IN CHARACTER AS JOAN CALLAMEZZO FROM PARKS AND RECREATION

THE HINDENBURG

LIN WANTS TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT VICE PRESIDENT SHOULD BE! VOTE HERE: https://forms.gle/J8DUXroJnYA6iMLe7

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD DECLARES VICTORY ONCE AGAIN AFTER DISASTROUS PERFORMANCE IN NEVADA

In the early morning hours following the Nevada GOP results, disgraced attorney and conspiracy theorist Lin Wood, who's currently sitting at 23 votes as of the most recent update, declared victory. He issued the following press release, which every major network ignored except for Newsmax and OANN.

Thank you, Nevada! I was so happy to see the reports that we won by 23 points! The lamestream media wants to say that I only got 23 votes, but I'm using my OPPOSITE DAY button. Now I win by 23 points. Some call me Mohammad. Anyway, I want to thank the great people of NEVADA for their support. I also want to thank the kind folks at The Venetian Hotel and Casino for letting me get married in the middle of their casino. My wives were very angry that I gambled away our life savings along with the $25 we raised this campaign. Don't tell the FEC though! Now we push to the next state, which is either in the South, the West, East, or the North. Thank you again to my good friend, Ben Carson...'s sister's maid for her support. In other news, there are a whopping 2 votes on my VP poll. It's a tie between two write-in options. Please keep voting and SMASH that like and subscribe button and don't forget to click the bell so you'll get notified when I post more videos. Don't forget to click the link in my bio which will take you to my campaign Onlyfans. There is some seriously disgusting content that you can't wait to see.

LIN WOOD VP POLL: https://forms.gle/x2h4r2oy9wi3Gmss7

[VirginiaAaron]

RPT: LIN WOOD CONSIDERING SUSPENDING CAMPAIGN, NOT ELIMINATING POSSIBILITY OF RE-ENTERING THE 2024 RACE AS INDEPENDENT ONCE SLATE OF CANDIDATES IS SET

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After a string of pitiful performances in the Republican primaries thus far, the nearly nonexistent Lin Wood 2024 campaign is considering suspending its operations. Sources close to the disgraced former attorney say there are 4 options on the table: A) suspend the campaign and re-open as an Independent ticket after the Republican Convention, B) suspend the campaign and endorse Roger Stone, C) suspend the campaign and endorse Josh Hawley with the hopes that a Lin Wood endorsement would make the Hawley campaign seem unviable, or D) continue the campaign and hope to earn a single delegate somewhere.

Politico reached out to the Wood campaign spokesperson, who we quickly figured out was Wood using a high-pitched voice. The spokesperson, "Amanda," told us there was no truth to the allegations but did confirm that Wood is seeking to impregnate Wanda Sykes and Tulsi Gabbard via IVF. When pressed again for details about where the campaign will move after terrible finishes in Iowa and New Hampshire, we were told there was no further comment. Politico will continue watching this story.

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD TWEETS

This one is really toeing the line, so apologies in advance to both Vice President Harris and former Vice President Gore

All Tweets made with TweetGen, profile picture from Wikimedia Commons

[VirginiaAaron]

WOOD STATEMENT ON THREATS FROM SEN. HAWLEY

This morning, at his home in Charleston, South Carolina, Lin Wood called a press conference. The press conference, where Wood did not take any questions from the 3 reporters that showed up, focused on accusations that Josh Hawley is making threats to Wood privately.

Thank you all for being here. 'Tis I, Linnethia Monique Leaks Wood the Third. After my landslide victory in New Hampshire, I received an envelope from an aide. I've been told this aide also suffers from HIV and AIDS so he's been fired and given zero severance. I was told the envelope came straight from Senator Josh Hawley. I had another aide, one that didn't have AIDS but did have a small case of smallpox, opens the envelope to check for anthrax. We found a small white powder which is being studied by the FBI as we speak. And by FBI I mean the female body inspector. Further down in the orange envelope, I found a very disturbing message. There was a message written in blood saying "DIE LIN DIE." When I wrote back to Senator Hawley asking why he sent this threatening letter, he claims he was speaking in German, translating to "THE LIN THE." I thought the frightening messages were complete, but it was just the beginning.

Now, every week, I keep getting envelopes with similar threatening messages. Today's message was cut out of magazine letters. It said "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU AND THEN I AM GOING TO PUT SOME MO' IN YOUR SAMOAN WIFE!" What kind of maniacal, crazy person would send these kinds of messages? But it makes sense. Josh Hawley wants to fundamentally transform America, I am the only one standing in his way. If he knocks me down, he knocks down the American people. Therefore, I am now calling on Senator Hawley to drop out and resign. (Lin begins pounding his fists like an early 20th century dictator) HAVE YOU NO SHAME, SIR?

A photo of a yard sign Lin Wood holds up at the end of the press conference. Image from Wikimedia Commons

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD ANNOUNCEMENT

At an event on a pier in Charleston with about 12 guests, most of whom were homeless South Carolinians looking for free food, Lin Wood gave a speech following his dismal finish in his home state.

Ladies, gentlemen, non-binaries, and fellow Armenians. It appears we have come to the end of the road. Despite our landslide victories in Iowa, New Hampshire, and now South Carolina, the mainstream media and RNC establishment have refused to acknowledge our victories. We've fought a difficult campaign. We've endured love, blood, sweat, and a few death threats from Josh Hawley. Unfortunately, we've reached the end of the road. It's time to put our efforts behind the candidate that can WIN the next general election. It is my honor to give my full-throated endorsement to Kari Lake!

OOC: It's been a ton of fun playing as Lin Wood. Thank you for dealing with his insanity and allowing me to have a little fun with this game. Who knows? Maybe he'll pop in randomly on occasion. Realistically, Lin would probably sign a deal with Newsmaxx or OANN so if Dave is okay with it, that'll be Lin's lore. I hope Kari Lake can carry the baton forward and continue Lin's mission of getting America hard...like Wood.

Logo made myself

[VirginiaAaron]

NOTE: Lin Wood will be switching his endorsement to Roger Stone following the suspension of Kari Lake's campaign.

[VirginiaAaron]

LIN WOOD COMES OUT OF HIDING FOR FIRST TIME SINCE CAMPAIGN SUSPENSION

After getting snubbed by the Grammys and the Oscars, Lin Wood has left hiding to unveil an edited version of a recent Roger Stone ad featuring the disgraced and disbarred former attorney. The Stone campaign has disavowed the edited ad. Wood has said he feels upset that the Stone campaign has not acknowledged Wood's endorsement but still wishes Stone the best of luck as he "confronts the woke bob of election thiefs."

TV/Radio Ad: United

Hi, I'm Kari Lake.

I'm Governor Kristi Noem.

I'm Congressman Matt Gaetz.

AND I AM LIN WOOD

TOGETHER: And I support Roger Stone for President.

LAKE: Roger has always been there for the forgotten Americans, unafraid to speak up about our broken communities and failed leadership.

NOEM: He's been the fiercest defender of our pocketbooks and our Constitutional rights.

GAETZ: If you want a real MAGA conservative who can crush Kamala and the Dem machine, look no further.

WOOD: Josh Hawley is part of the cabal of baby-eating socialists with Kampala Harris.

LAKE: We all ran against each other, but we all believe in Roger Stone. That's no small feat, folks!

NOEM: Roger is a leader in the mold of Trump, and of Reagan. Now the elites are trying to silence this movement and keep us from rising up.

GAETZ: Don't let the media control this election and anoint their handpicked choices!

WOOD: Do you get my euphemism?

LAKE: Our country is on the line. Only Roger Stone can unite this party and win in November.

NOEM: Only Roger Stone can restore our God-given freedoms and beat the woke mob.

GAETZ: Only Roger Stone can do the hard work and Make America Great Again.

WOOD: Roger Stone approves of my throuple.

I'm Roger Stone and I approve this message.

[VirginiaAaron]

Statement from Lin Wood

Lin Wood tried to get ahold of a bus to tour for Roger Stone's campaign but was denied a bus of his own or a seat on Kari Lake's. Instead, Lin Wood is traveling to upcoming primary states by foot with a cardboard sign, inscribed with "HOMELESS VETERAN DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED FOR MURDERING AND TORTURING MUSLIMS, WILL WORK FOR FOOD OR METH, GOD BLESS" and a small Stone 2024 sticker on the bottom of the sign. Lin Wood will park himself at various spots in different U.S. cities and camp on the side of the road with a rabid dog and a bright blue sleeping bag with Elsa from "Frozen" plastered on it. Lin Wood is also attempting to reach out to Andy Cohen to get his own reality television show on Bravo. The show, "Lin's Lovers," would follow former Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard and Wanda Sykes as they attempt to work with each other as Lin's wives. However, trouble soon unfolds as mistress Sarah Silverman enters the picture. So far, Bravo has said they are a "hard pass" on the reality show. But Lin is shopping the concept to other networks, such as PBS in Fargo, North Dakota.