Which State would you rather live in: Michigan or Florida (user search)

It's amazing that Florida defenders still cling to the idea that people hate their state because they're "introverts" or because they just hate red states. I've lived in warm, cold, dry, and wet climates in my life-- and warm/wet is objectively the worst combination. Insects multiply exponentially. It's impossible to fall asleep without air conditioning. Taking a hot shower steams up half the house for hours. Walking or biking to work makes you sweaty and gross for the entire day (god forbid you wear a suit). Cockroaches are a constant fact of life. You run up your electrical bill by constantly running the AC and fans. Weeds, vines, and mold all thrive. It becomes difficult to think clearly. Physical labor is punishing. You are constantly changing clothes and bedsheets. Entering air-conditioned buildings while caked in sweat and wearing only a t-shirt and shorts gives you chills. The incessant sound of cicadas penetrates every waking moment. I need not mention the storms.

On top of these climate problems, we then add the fact that Florida is a patchwork quilt of cultural wastebins, each one tackier than the last. Would you like to spend your days sweating with some fat Midwesterners in the Villages? Or would you rather go down to Cape Coral, where your elderly neighbors will waste what little potable water your community has on their dumbass lawns? Perhaps you'd prefer Orlando, a city so peppered with sinkholes it looks like Swiss cheese, where you can stand in line with ugly, loud sunburnt six-year-olds before getting on disease-infested amusement park rides run by companies that reboot film franchises every five months. Honestly, some of the most tolerable places in Florida are the backwoods "redneck" areas-- at least airboats and gator grills have a character to them, and weren't the work of egomaniacal con artist real estate developers.

The average Floridian:

1. Cannot walk from his house to a store in under ten minutes.
2. Is hundreds of miles from the nearest hiking location.
3. Was swindled into buying his home, sight-unseen, by a man in a white suit and a Panama hat.
4. Is the type of person who buys a time share and calls it an "investment."
5. Spends thousands of dollars a year on upkeep for a small, stupid boat named for his second wife that he uses once every four months.
6. Has not laid eyes on a sidewalk in at least a decade.
7. At any given moment, has at least seven mosquito bites on various parts of his body.
8. Spends most of his day trying to navigate the byzantine labyrinth of featureless cul-de-sacs, canals, and gated communities that comprise his """town."""
9. Believes that golf is a sport.
10. Watches reality television even when he is not in a hotel room.
11. Is a proud, dues-paying member of a homeowner's association.
12. Believes that he lives "close to the beach" because he can reach the ocean with thirty minutes of driving (provided there's no traffic).
13. Spent his life savings on a home that will be destroyed by 2040 and no company will ever insure.
14. Thinks that Taco Bell is authentic Mexican cuisine.
15. Owns at least three plastic flamingoes.
16. Has either a natural lawn or an AstroTurf lawn. It is difficult to say which is worse.
17. Still believes that owning a Cadillac is a status symbol.
18. Knows exactly one sex position.
19. Has worn a Mickey Mouse hat at least once in his life.
20. Is fat, stupid, lazy, and will be dead within the next ten years. Good riddance!

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