Despite being irreligious I’ve long accepted my false idols. Occam’s Razor dictates 90% of being a Philly sports fan is some malevolent cosmic entity tormenting me for my sins in a past life.
I (and discovolante) raise you:
I have never felt such a breadth of fervor becoming malaise as a member of any broader community as was in the air here when we lost the 2012 AL East to the Yankees. We as a people were in tatters, and it can be said that we never really recovered on levels not limited to the O's marching right back into the sea since then.
I'm glad my great-grandfather, who was in charge of the Baltimore parks department when the team moved from St. Louis and was honored with a plaque on the Os' tenth anniversary that still hangs in my parents' home, was dead long before the 2018 and 2019 seasons. At least the Red Sox have had a great couple of decades--but then, having a great couple of decades has caused the team to lose something of its old soulfulness.
Let me clarify the facetiousness in my first post is half-kidding. I promise this is not in my usual oneupmanship of proving Philly is superior to Diet Philly. I unironically champion the Eagles, Phillies, Flyers, and Sixers as not only my pantheons, but that of an entire city.
I wake up every morning to a different childhood friend sending a "Good Morning. AJ Brown is a Philadelphia Eagle." text in our group message. If I chose to listen to the radio instead of the aux cord, the most common frequency is 97.5 the Phanatic. There was a 20-minute segment a few weeks ago on the afternoon drive over superstitious concerns regarding Nick Castellanos moving into the same Margate mansion Ben Simmons lived in. And then we made Simmons too afraid to come to his return! (Sixers lost by 30 points but who cares lmao). Landscaping at FDR in the hellish summer heat is considered a treat if you make it over to NovaCare. We built a statue of Nick Foles going over to Doug Pederson to ask for the Philly Special less than a year after it happened. Jason Kelce could run for mayor. There is empirical evidence watching Jose Alvarado pitch in relief contributes to alcoholism. And yes, I still stay up until 3 in the morning cursing it all because the Flyers were one lottery ball from McDavid.
The all-encapsulating anecdote is the timeless
"Unlike Agholor" man. This man is SAVING BABIES FROM A BURNING BUILDING AT 430 in the morning and the ONLY thought in his mind is "Godf----ingdammit why couldn't Nelly hold onto that ball!?"
And ya know what?
I wouldn't have it any other way.
