HB 29-33: ESCOBAR Act (Passed)

[Mike Thick]

There are serious structural inequalities in the cocaine market: Black communities have been ravaged by the drug trade, while wealthy white Atlasians still indulge in the drug at parties.

We need to act to remedy these gaps, and we can start with a pilot program. That is why the House must amend this bill as follows:

A BILL
to enrich the minds and bodies of Atlasians

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the Republic of Atlasia in Congress assembled,

Section I. Title

1. This bill may be known as the Enabling Stimulants, Cocaine, and Other Bad Ass Remedies Act. It may be cited as the ESCOBAR Act.

Section II. Content

1. The stimulating substance derived from the leaves of the coca plant, commonly known as cocaine, coke, blow, and by a number of other names, is legalized at the federal level across Atlasia.
2. All persons currently imprisoned for cocaine-related crimes are to be released immediately.
3. Regional and local governments have the power to regulate cocaine sales in their jurisdiction.

Section III. PABLO Payments

1. The Treasury shall mail a debit card preloaded with one hundred and fifty dollars ($150) to a randomly selected group of one in ten (10) Atlasian adults over the age of twenty-one (21).
a. This debit card may only be used to purchase cocaine from lawfully operating cocaine vendors.
b. The office of the Treasury responsible for distributing and monitoring these payments shall be known as the Provide Assistance Buying Legally Office (PABLO).

[Mike Thick]

Now hold it – a question for the former President, if I may. How exactly does this amendment fix the very real inequalities in the cocaine market? Random selection doesn't seem like the best course of action here but I'd like to hear the reasoning behind it.

I introduced this as a gag anticipating (incorrectly) that it would not be adopted. Unfortunately, I do not believe that $3.1B in cocaine vouchers will solve these problems, no matter how they're distributed.