Update for Everyone VIII: He who laughs have the last laugh

[Aurelius]

I just got back from a dance at my university where all they played was terrible rap club stuff, and like Morrissey in How Soon Is Now? I stood there awkwardly by myself. So I decided to go up to the DJ and asked him if he takes requests, which thankfully he did. I asked for Blue Monday and a few songs later it came on. I often dance alone in my room to music by New Order, The Smiths, and Pet Shop Boys, so to hear that iconic opening of New Order's masterpiece in a room full of people was enough to get me jumping. If only for a few minutes, I felt absolutely free - like I was really living, for once. Other people looked at me but I didn't care; in fact, I rather enjoyed it, but once the song ended everything was back to normal again. I was - I am - nobody, who knows nobody and nobody knows. I am cripplingly shy, autistic, diseased in the bowels, and friendless. That's who I've always been, for years now - an outsider looking in. The mere thought of going up to someone in the cafeteria and introducing myself terrifies me, though God knows I still think about it over and over again. If you're someone who engages in social interaction, has friends, and goes out and has fun - in other words, the normal range of human experiences - you really, truly, have no idea how lonely and alienating life can be. I'm seeing a school therapist on Monday and I hope and pray that, for once in my life, something good may come out of it. Lord knows it would be the first time.

I have experienced similar issues, although milder. College went pretty well socially for me, but through my entire four years of high school I had no friends at school. Every time I move to a new place (which is very often in this stage of my life) it takes me a long time to get settled again, and by the time I move again it's like I've finally started making real connections and I lose all the progress I've made once again. Feel free to message me anytime. If you do, please know that I am not very good at just listening and providing sympathy, and I am much better at providing advice.

[Aurelius]

In a week I am moving back in with my parents for a few months, the immediate cause being financial issues caused by a drop of work hours over the past few months from 60 a week in December to 32 starting this week, with no real prospect of getting more hours anytime soon. When I was working so many hours I was doing fine financially despite the low wages and extreme expenses of living in a ski town, but this made me realize enough is enough and it's time to move on anyway. This gives me a golden opportunity to make some much needed changes to my life, as described below.

I was planning to do some road tripping in the summer of 2020 after graduating from college, but a combination of the pandemic and associated restrictions, poor financial discipline on my part, and severe mental health issues that popped out of nowhere in late 2019 made that impossible. (I did still manage to push through and graduate on time, somehow, but in retrospect I still don't know how I pulled that off). Didn't happen last year either, but this year I am determined to finally make it happen. I expect to leave after my sister's graduation in late May and finish it up by September. I have about $6,000 saved, which is less than I would like, but I am determined to pull it off somehow.

That will be about 3 months I will be living with my parents. In that time I have five main goals.
1) get my mind back in to the stuff I studied and plan to start a career in.
2) find some short term gig work related to the former to save up a bit more money for the road trip and get my foot back in the door work wise; while on the road trip I plan to be continuously applying for full time software engineer jobs with the intent to start at such a job in the fall.
3) sort through all the crap I've accumulated over the years; sell what's worth something, throw away or donate what's not, and keep only the things I truly want or need.
4) get my truck back in proper order after getting messed up in all kinds of ways by two Tahoe winters; this will cost 4 digits
5) work on a number of personal issues I have identified over the past few years:

poor financial discipline - proneness to impulse buys, buying way more food than I need and having a bunch of it expire, forgetting to cancel subscriptions, failure to fully economize, etc.
mild hoarding tendencies and more broadly a habit of accumulating way too much stuff
inertia - it's very hard for me to get started on something, and once I do it can be hard for me to stop
initial overcommitment followed by lack of follow through; coming up with grand plans, having those plans consume my life and mind for a short period of time, and then completely failing to execute on them
poor diet, and middling physical health due to inconsistent effort and time commitment
laziness and susceptibility to instant gratification
poor sleep hygiene, sleep cycle management, and self-discipline on these matters
inefficient use of time
cyclical internet/tech addiction - it gets bad, I have a come to Jesus moment and get it almost completely under control for awhile, then it gradually gets worse again and the cycle repeats
shyness, tendency toward withdrawal, and social anxiety (this is vastly improved from my high school years, but I still have a TON of work to do)
slovenliness and failure to stay organized and on top of things
being overly afraid of putting myself out there and taking risks - I still haven't had a sip of alcohol in my life at 24 due to being overly cautious from observing a trend of substance abuse in my extended family, and despite finally accepting myself as gay for good two years ago after years of doubt I still haven't made any moves toward any kind of anything at all

This will be (I hope) a more structured environment than the chaos I am currently living in the midst of, and hopefully will allow me to focus more intensely on these things. As for short term work, I have identified some websites (fiverr, upwork) which I have begun making profiles on, and on upwork specifically due to its seller-bids format I will begin soliciting specific gigs in a few days. I have a degree in computer science from a top 30 university and I plan to work for a couple years as a software engineer to get my foot back in the door and then figure out what exact direction I want to take. I have also discovered that my true passion is history, specifically US history, and I have done a lot of intense self-directed reading over the past year and a half; I have some interest in becoming a writer of general-public-oriented works of historical literature (a la David McCullough, H. W. Brands, Ron Chernow, Gordon Wood, David Hackett Fischer etc) and am considering going to grad school at some point to study up on US history, do my own research, and give that a try, but first I want to do at least a few years of tech work, first to finally get a career started and also because that is the much safer option.

I have epiphanies like this once or twice a year. I am exceptionally hard on myself in many ways, but that is in large part because I frankly have exceptional skills and talents in some areas and I feel I am not putting that to good enough use. I am tired of living like a slovenly pig (I'll spend hours cleaning my room, then it'll explode again a few days later, and I also have way too much stuff - it's probably gonna fill my entire F-150 when I pack up for the move). Usually when these epiphanies happen I put some effort in for a few weeks, try to build some habits, and try to bring more order and structure into my life, but within a month or two I'm back to the status quo. This time I am determined to make real changes and make it stick, and get my life truly under control and guided by my real desires and long-term goals rather than all of the things I mentioned above. I am now 24 years old, the clock is ticking, I am almost halfway through what many people say is the most formative decade of their life, and I am tired of frittering away my days and months achieving nothing in particular. I am starting to really think hard about how to go about that, but any advice is much appreciated.

[Aurelius]

I'm honestly just vibing rn

-snip-

Username checks out

[Aurelius]

Just 5 days till the big move.

Good lord how have I accumulated so much crap in just a year?

[Aurelius]

On a contrary note, the place I'm moving to in a couple days will be the most Republican place I've ever lived, although still majority Dem:

Hometown: 77% Biden/19% Trump
College: 91/7, 93/5, 95/4, 93/5
Current (Lake Tahoe): 75/23
Future (Central Coast): 59/39

[Aurelius]

The Dutch national anthem has been stuck on repeat in my head for over a month now.

[Aurelius]

On vacay in northwest Italy atm, and man, I'm actually livid that Germans are so stuck up about  how progressive they are and how backwards southern Europeans are, yet:

- trains are cheaper and more frequent in Italy than in Germany
- trains are cleaner, more modern, and break down less
- internet is faster, cheaper, and more reliable
- i can pay with credit card virtually everywhere and cash-only places are rare

Given my experiences with train logistics in Italy, this doesn't bode great for Germany.

But then again, my last experiences there were...nearly 20 years ago, so...things could've changed.

I had mixed experiences with trains in Italy three years ago. Mostly they were on time, but when they were late they were hours late.

[Aurelius]

Had a truly bizarre dream last night in which, among many other things, Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by a bunch of anti-gay frat bros at an orgy in a 800 foot tall dorm tower during a summer high school gifted program at a technical college in Dayton, Nevada.

There was also a dream within a dream in which I was driving through Cedar Rapids, Iowa during a bank run in which I was temporarily blind due to surgery being done on my dog in a dream within a dream within a dream, and during all this in the dream-cubed I shot off in my sleep 37 olawakandi-style text messages to random businesses in the town.

[Aurelius]

"Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance is playing over the speakers at my gym. Really cool to be able to listen to the greatest emo song of all time while pumping some iron.

[Aurelius]

Climbed the highest mountain in Idaho yesterday.

[Aurelius]

https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2022/09/02/a-right-wing-answer-to-vogue-00054520

I'm 99% sure that the Jayme Chandler Franklin featured in this article is the same Jayme Chandler I went to middle school with. I did not see this coming but in retrospect I should have.

[Aurelius]

Climbed the highest mountain in Idaho yesterday.

Utah yesterday. 30 miles in one day. One of the most incredible things I have ever done. Also one of the most idiotic. 100% worth it.

[Aurelius]

Made it.

nmunln dmnmnudl udnmudmn udmn. Onumdlu dnmmlnm.

Did I just accidentally curse someone's family for ten thousand generations in Armenian? 😁

Seriously though, congrats.

[Aurelius]

I have a soft invitation to go "out". I know I should. But... I really don't want to.

Do what you'll be happier you did looking back tomorrow, not what you'd rather do right this moment.

[Aurelius]

Job search has begun. 7 applications so far and I've landed my first interview. It's a technical interview, not merely a screening interview.

[Aurelius]

Job search has begun. 7 applications so far and I've landed my first interview. It's a technical interview, not merely a screening interview.

Make that 2.

Still hoping to hear from the aerial firefighting outfit in Montana that's looking for someone to build a real-time online fire mapping interface.

Hoping to wrap this up and get started at a job quickly. The coming year is my last chance to get a cat I've wanted since I was a kid. And this cat doesn't come cheap.

[Aurelius]

Finally back home. Just drove 20 hours and 1100 miles straight through the night, no breaks other than gas stations. Whew.

[Aurelius]

Job search has begun. 7 applications so far and I've landed my first interview. It's a technical interview, not merely a screening interview.

Make that 2.

Still hoping to hear from the aerial firefighting outfit in Montana that's looking for someone to build a real-time online fire mapping interface.

Hoping to wrap this up and get started at a job quickly. The coming year is my last chance to get a cat I've wanted since I was a kid. And this cat doesn't come cheap.

Love that car brother

Yeah man it's incredible. When I was 20 I rented a R/T for a week and it was one of the best times of my life. And that's only ~half the horsepower of the Hellcat. Just a shame they don't make the Hellcat in manual anymore. Going back and forth in my head between an automatic hellcat and a manual scat pack.

[Aurelius]

Job search has begun. 7 applications so far and I've landed my first interview. It's a technical interview, not merely a screening interview.

Make that 2.

Still hoping to hear from the aerial firefighting outfit in Montana that's looking for someone to build a real-time online fire mapping interface.

Bro that's effing sick. Lmk how it goes since I may be looking for similar jobs (GIS/EM) out West on my return.

10 days out and heard nothing back. Indeed says over 100 people applied to that one position.

[Aurelius]

Job search has begun. 7 applications so far and I've landed my first interview. It's a technical interview, not merely a screening interview.

Make that 2.

Still hoping to hear from the aerial firefighting outfit in Montana that's looking for someone to build a real-time online fire mapping interface.

Bro that's effing sick. Lmk how it goes since I may be looking for similar jobs (GIS/EM) out West on my return.

10 days out and heard nothing back. Indeed says over 100 people applied to that one position.

It's well known that actual firefighting jobs out west are stupidly competitive to get. Not surprised tangentially related jobs have the same thing going on. Being in Bozeangeles can't help either.

[Aurelius]

Job search has begun. 7 applications so far and I've landed my first interview. It's a technical interview, not merely a screening interview.

Make that 2.

Still hoping to hear from the aerial firefighting outfit in Montana that's looking for someone to build a real-time online fire mapping interface.

Bro that's effing sick. Lmk how it goes since I may be looking for similar jobs (GIS/EM) out West on my return.

10 days out and heard nothing back. Indeed says over 100 people applied to that one position.

It's well known that actual firefighting jobs out west are stupidly competitive to get. Not surprised tangentially related jobs have the same thing going on. Being in Bozeangeles can't help either.

Bozeman is p sick tho. That's where my brother lives.

That's what I mean. Tons of people want to live there.

The job market is insane there too. When I was there a month ago, even the f**king Big O Tires was hiring at $25 an hour. If I wasn't 20 grand in debt I'd probably take it just to be in Montana.

[Aurelius]

Another job interview today.

Unfortunately, I didn't land the one I hinted at a little while back. On the bright side, the recruiter told me I was *extremely* close (and she even told me that the manager was unreasonably expecting L5 skills for a L4 position, and that I probably would have landed it otherwise), so they're letting me take a 6 month cooldown period instead of the usual 1-2 year period.

I still have bills to pay while I do the job search, so I applied to a few of the retail places in town that have HELP WANTED signs all over the place. Almost a week later and none of them have called back. Strange, considering how desperately understaffed all these places are. I wonder if they see my degree and (correctly) assume that I'm gonna skip town as soon as I land something in my field. At least my Uber background check should clear in a day or two.

[Aurelius]

Just accepted a job offer, so it looks like I'm going to be moving back to DC next month! Last time I lived there was some of the happiest I've been in my life, and I ended up moving out summer 2020. So in a lot of ways, this feels like the final end of my own personal "greater 2020 dispair" chapter of my life.

Congrats!

In my own job search I've recently become fixated on Virginia. Fingers crossed.

[Aurelius]

-->

very soon

[Aurelius]

-->

very soon

Assuming this is for work, congrats!

Yes, it is. Got a great offer with a really interesting company.