Laki's health logs

[LAKISYLVANIA]

22/06

25 cl of coca cola (soda drink) - 105 kcal
3 scrambled eggs - 253 kcal
bacon 100 grams - 216 kcal
5 chocolate bars - 217 kcal each = 1085 kcal

Total intake: 1659 kcal

Running:


Burned: 535 kcal

Net calories intake: 1126 kcal

Weight: 75,6 kg
BMI: 22,1

[LAKISYLVANIA]

I have a history of borderline anorexic behavior and that for a very long time. I'm now actually quite normal for my age and length, but I am back to restricting and rapidly losing weight, and also building up to running. I'm planning to run a marathon next year, so this is why i started an accountability thread, to especially be more reflective of what I eat and how I sport.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Do you want us to shame you when you eat candy?

If i eat a lot of it, yes. But an accountability thread can help with that as well. You don't have to shame me, i will already be ashamed, and when there is social control, it's easier to eat healthy. That's why i like accountability threads, so yes.

I try to lose some weight now, would ideally get back to a BMI of 17, 18, 19 because I know i can run a lot better than. And i like to have a borderline low weight. I will at least keep losing until i'm below 20.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

While I tend to also prefer being on the lower than the higher end of weight, I will say that a BMI of 22 is fine and certainly not a health concern, especially if you are strong (and therefore said BMI goes into your muscles and not fat)

Though 20 is also ok.

I'm afraid that's not the case, although my legs are muscled, so maybe it is. I don't know. Will at least get back to 19-20 because that's the ideal weight for marathon running, but I need to pay attention that i don't relapse. I have a history of anorexic behavior. My lowest BMI was around 16.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

4 chicken legs - 976 kcal
a glass of wine - 160 kcal
beer 25 cl - 135 kcal
Total: 1271 kcal

Weight: 74.9kg (-0.7)
BMI: 21.9 (-0.2)

rest day for running, tomorrow evening, i might run again.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Sorry for not updating it but

june 24
bami goreng 1500 kcal
3 ice creams
a beer
a glass of wine

june 25
chinese noodles around 1100-1200 kcal
3 ice creams i guess 150 each
a beer
a glass of wine

june 26
french fries + bitterballen + viandel + joppiesaus (around 1800 kcal i think)
3 beers 25 cl

june 27
1 glass of wine
1 beer so far
japanese fried rice around 1400 kcal

Evening weight was 74.8 kg

Tried to run on friday but was exhausted and it was too hot, will run tomorrow on sunday.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

This is what i'm planning to do as well. Get back to a BMI of 18,5 at least, and prepare for a marathon. But I need to pay attention because i've showed disordered eating behavior in the past. Lost 6 kg since beginning of COVID-19 outbreak.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Remember to always wear a mask outside. Otherwise, have a fun run out there!

I don't wear masks outside except for where it is obligated, but I adhere to the distance measures (1,5m distance), which is easy to adhere to if you have social anxiety (even only a slight form because i take medication for it).

I haven't run though, too much wind. Conditions aren't ideal. Should probably run sometime late in the evening or early in the morning when wind is less of a factor.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Remember to always wear a mask outside. Otherwise, have a fun run out there!

I don't wear masks outside except for where it is obligated, but I adhere to the distance measures (1,5m distance), which is easy to adhere to if you have social anxiety (even only a slight form because i take medication for it).

I haven't run though, too much wind. Conditions aren't ideal. Should probably run sometime late in the evening or early in the morning when wind is less of a factor.

Still, you never know when you may be in a situation where you would need a mask. Having it with you seems like a safe thing to do just in case.

I can't wear it when I run because how do you breathe. But you're right, maybe i should it wear it more often, because I only do when it is obligated. There was a debate whether masks should be obligated in supermarkets, but they decided against implementing it, going against advice of virologists. I currently don't wear one, but I really don't know whether I would wear one. I've heard that masks really don't protect yourself from the disease. Most people don't wear one i've noticed.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Remember to always wear a mask outside. Otherwise, have a fun run out there!

I don't wear masks outside except for where it is obligated, but I adhere to the distance measures (1,5m distance), which is easy to adhere to if you have social anxiety (even only a slight form because i take medication for it).

I haven't run though, too much wind. Conditions aren't ideal. Should probably run sometime late in the evening or early in the morning when wind is less of a factor.

Still, you never know when you may be in a situation where you would need a mask. Having it with you seems like a safe thing to do just in case.

I can't wear it when I run because how do you breathe. But you're right, maybe i should it wear it more often, because I only do when it is obligated. There was a debate whether masks should be obligated in supermarkets, but they decided against implementing it, going against advice of virologists. I currently don't wear one, but I really don't know whether I would wear one. I've heard that masks really don't protect yourself from the disease. Most people don't wear one i've noticed.

For safety reasons, it’s good just to carry one around if you’re not going to wear it. Mainly masks are supposed to prevent you from spreading your particles around than to protect yourself.

Now it's obligaties. They changed thé rules.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Weight: 73.4 kg.

On the way down, but very slowly.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

I will do a 100 hour fast. (actually 108 hours), starting now. I don't recommend others doing that. I've had an ED in the past and am probably relapsing, but I still want to share the results of my fast and keep motivated to stay in the fast phase.

Starting weight: 74.5 kg

[LAKISYLVANIA]

72 kg now. BMI = 21. Barely ate anything over the last 2 days.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

71.4 kg today.

I am taken inpatient again today for my mental health issues.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

67 kg now

[LAKISYLVANIA]

64.5kg now.

For some reason i keep losing weight, like even during christmas and new year.

BMI: 18.8

[LAKISYLVANIA]

Dude seriously give me tips on how to lose weight and start an exercising regimen, this progress is honestly inspiring.

I drink only no sugar drinks, exceptions allowed
I never eat candies, crisps & chocolate, exceptions allowed
I have a good physical condition, and walk a lot.
I eat two meals a day, sometimes only one.
I rarely eat fastfood
I've abused some medication (or stimulants) to lose weight in the past, but I feel like they don't help a lot
Social anxiety - as well as no car together with lack of shops where I live - prevents you from going to a shop or fastfood restaurant. There are simply too many burdens, so I just seem to prefer to feel hungry than to feel stressed. Covid is another burden added to it

Aside of that, i tend to have the feeling, i eat a lot.

I live in co-housing, so other people tend to go to shops (and cook). If i live alone, i would have a vegan lifestyle and probably eat way less, maintaining a bmi of +-16 like i did in the four years i lived alone.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

I have (had?) an ED , and can tell this is very obviously a relapse.
I’m not going to tell you what to do since it won’t help, but I will inquire if you talked with a physician before doing this?
Screw the damn marathon, I am getting a lot of red flags from this and am kinda worried.

I'm not sure. I went to a psychologist specialized in eating disorders. I had a really good feeling with her. But I wasn't allowed to go anymore, because she's quite expensive (4 sessions a month would mean i spend one fifth of my monthly income to her) and because she and my mom had a fight with her because she said i didn't had autism spectrum disorder despite being diagnosed twice but that i suffer from complex trauma disorder because of child abuse and bullying. She also said i had a lot of talents and that she was stunned by my intellect. But my step mom called her a fraud on the phone and forbade me to go.

Since that day, i no longer have a psychologist despite me wanting to. I also never see a psychiatrist again but that's because of covid-19.

If i'm relapsing, i would've never realized it, because I thought I was relapsing this summer, looked for help but than my step mom cancelled the appointment with my psychologist and forbid me to go. She also said i can't have an eating disorder and that i just mirrored people who I idealize. I thought yeah i can't impossibly have an ED than and now I lost 12 kg since than (july or end of august)

This morning, i had a weight of 62 kg with a bmi of 18.1

But I believe the scale must be broken because I really don't see anything that's different than 10 months ago. Nothing changed in my body.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

I have (had?) an ED , and can tell this is very obviously a relapse.
I’m not going to tell you what to do since it won’t help, but I will inquire if you talked with a physician before doing this?
Screw the damn marathon, I am getting a lot of red flags from this and am kinda worried.

I'm not sure. I went to a psychologist specialized in eating disorders. I had a really good feeling with her. But I wasn't allowed to go anymore, because she's quite expensive (4 sessions a month would mean i spend one fifth of my monthly income to her) and because she and my mom had a fight with her because she said i didn't had autism spectrum disorder despite being diagnosed twice but that i suffer from complex trauma disorder because of child abuse and bullying. She also said i had a lot of talents and that she was stunned by my intellect. But my step mom called her a fraud on the phone and forbade me to go.

Since that day, i no longer have a psychologist despite me wanting to. I also never see a psychiatrist again but that's because of covid-19.

If i'm relapsing, i would've never realized it, because I thought I was relapsing this summer, looked for help but than my step mom cancelled the appointment with my psychologist and forbid me to go. She also said i can't have an eating disorder and that i just mirrored people who I idealize. I thought yeah i can't impossibly have an ED than and now I lost 12 kg since than (july or end of august)

This morning, i had a weight of 62 kg with a bmi of 18.1

But I believe the scale must be broken because I really don't see anything that's different than 10 months ago. Nothing changed in my body.

So first of all, in general when people tell you to ignore the advice of experts, it means they have some sort of an agenda. I’m not accusing your step-mom of anything specific, but telling her son to ignore professionals trained in the field seems suspect. Kinda like when Trump tells his cultists to ignore the medical experts, but on a smaller scale.

As for the other parts...if your previous posts seemed like red flags, your comments on not seeing anything different after having lost 12kg (and the thoughts the scale is wrong) are a blaring alarm.

I have personally struggled with this s**t and still kinda do and body dysmorphia is easily one of the most killer parts of the ED imo. No matter how much you lose, it doesn’t change and you need to lose more. There is a tiny chance your suspicions are correct, but there is an astronomical chance they aren’t.

A couple of years ago I lost a ton of weight (not going into numerical specifics bcuz sometimes these things can be nastily competitive lmfao) and I also thought the scale was wrong. I actually used a dumbbell to check each time afterwards and every time it turns out the scale was right (or within like 0.5 lbs)

Your scale typically shouldn’t change too much if you don’t move it around and keep it in one place tbh.

Again I don’t know your situation and I am not a physician, but this does remind me and I still am concerned. I don’t know how possible it is to see a physician given your circumstances rn, but I do suggest you do consult one as soon as possible about all of this. If your step-mother controls your care, idk tbh. How much leverage does she have over you? I don’t want to make your situation worse by provoking conflict but this does seem very potentially serious.

Her agenda is that i'm above all an autist. We argued on christmas because of that. I wanted to leave, was very angry and haven't seen her since that day. I slammed the door. She however controls my money. I could block my debit card and ask for a new one since i have no debts and am not in financial trouble but she will start a court case if i do that, she said (with a lawyer she knows well). I really don't want this, but I kinda don't want to see her. She gives me a certain amount of money each week.

It's not enough to secretly visit that psychologist, even though she strongly doubts my diagnosis other experts made (strengthening the doubts i have).

I see no difference at all. Others don't see it either. No-one suggested this, and if they did, i just tell them it's because of the medication i take. I don't feel like my clothes feel different (like they still fit well) and i still see a lot of ugly fat on my belly. I see no difference in the slightest, which suggests the scale could be broken. Idk. I find it hard to believe I lost so much weight in such a short time.

She has a lot of control over me. I don't think I can do anything besides starting a lawsuit.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

To be honest, you might be right that I'm relapsing, although I do a lot of things people with ED's don't and vice versa

I don't count calories because I don't cook mostly (co-housing) and am to lazy. But I follow an OMAD diet (one meal a day) with no intake of calories. During that meal I can eat what I want (with no fear), because at the end of the day i'll never get to 2000 kcals and I don't eat/drink calories during other moments in the day. So it's some kind of intermittent fasting. I sometimes break it, but most oftenly and more frequently recently usually not anymore. Another thing is that this doesn't raise suspicions because I eat when others watch. I don't when others don't. Most people don't eat in the morning or evening. When there are candies, cookies or crisps, they're usually eaten before i get the chance, and when they offer it to me, i say i don't like the taste of it (because usually i indeed not like it but I'm also frightened by such food). I drink a lot of diet coke to give me the feeling i'm full so usually i'm not hungry. I also never drink alcohol anymore. I also don't like fast food, and refuse to eat from fast food restaurants. The idea of going to McDonalds nakes me wanna vomit spontaneously. And I also sometimes avoid going to family purely because of fear of eating in that case. I probably have plenty of nutrients on my meal i eat every day. But nobody suggested that i'm thin, lost weight or might have an ED. And i also still see a lot of belly fat, making me believe i need to lose more because i might be skinny fat, like low BMI, high fat percentage (although my legs are quite muscled). And if people suspect something, i just blamed the medication before (which they agreed to, as well as me suspecting that was the reason i lost weight).

I don't purge though, but I did in the past a few years ago. At some point even up to 5 times a day of self-induced vomiting, but I could stop because I rapidly gain weight. All what happened was that I legitimized eating because I could vomit it afterwards.

I think the origins of all this might be binge eating disorder. When I start to eat, I can't stop. It's like an eating addiction. I eat extremely fast and huge quantities. Other people have noticed that about me. We even talked about eating contests and how I would easily win them. I thought more about that, and I actually showed that behavior at least since I was 4. As a child, I often didn't get the food because of child abuse, and when they discovered child abuse, i was put in some kind of orphanage/hospital and what I remember was that I had to eat very fast or you had no food at all (limited food that had to be shared). I was very gluttonous and still am. Because i'm disgusted with myself and can't eat like a normal person, i just have to restrict. Only once a day i can be gluttonous. So i'm known to eat large amounts of food, being seen as someone who can eat very well and can't possibly have an ED (even my dad). My dad will always tell me stories about how I ate 5 kg of mussels when I was 3 years old, and he said nobody else could do that. In fact i probably was malnutritioned because what my mom did to me.

Because of that gluttony/binging, i have a fear of gaining weight. Being obese is absolutely the last thing i want, and i want to be as far as possible from that point of becoming obese, and I know if i can't control myself, i will become obese because when I eat, i literally can't stop. So i have to control myself. I LOVE to eat. I just don't want to get back from almost being overweight. It's why i stopped taking medication because they made me gain weight. And when i gained weight last year, i would cut myself because of that or being too fat. Luckily, i don't cut anymore mainly because i'm back to the weight i used to be (actually it was even more lower than that).

I also know I developed weird eating habits as a teenager, getting up at night to eat lots of food in the fridge because I never ate at school or in the morning, only sometimes in the evening. This was because I thought processed food was full of toxins (in schools), and I refused to eat that, but also because I had a lot of anxiety for eating public (because overcrowded, not enough chairs, competitions where to sit) and I just decided not to show up anymore in the school dining room. And when I taked my own food to school (bread), the environment was better but usually i didn't bring food or rejected offers from other people to eat, claiming i forgot, was too lazy to prepare them or had a stomach ache, but during my worst period, there were some rumours i had an ed yes.

Even now, i still refuse to eat in hospitals unless I can't. I remember being in psychiatry for a prolonged period of time. I fasted more than two weeks in a row. That was last year. The fast was longer, but I stole food from the fridge (although owned by the psychiatry and not by patients theirselves) so than i didn't fast, but didn't had to eat that bad food either. Back than, some people noticed i didn't eat because i always smoked a cigarette but i don't think the nurses ever noticed (exc. for food disappearing).

I think a lot about food and other people notice like some co-housing members saying in an unfriendly way that i only live for food and things like that.

There are probably more things but i don't know. There are a lot of indicators to suggest i don't suffer from an ED. Besides, no psychiatrist ever claimed i had one. Aside of perhaps that psychologist, but we talked about other stuff and didn't go in detail about that potential ED.

[LAKISYLVANIA]

If i have an ed it's probably binge eating disorder. It's my way to cope with it, my way to live with it and keep a healthy weight. Because I can't eat normally and it's much easier to not eat at all than eat small amounts spread on the day and slowly. I just can't and never was able to do it. I have tried so many things. At the end, this is what works best.