Confessions of Atlas

[𝕭𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖆 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖔𝖑𝖆]

On July 21st, 2019 I stayed awake at night for the only reason that I wanted to be looking right at the Moon on the precise 50th anniversary of Neil Armstrong's setting foot on the Moon. (It happened at 2:56 UTC so I figured its precise anniversary would have been at 4:56 Italian Summer Time).

[Boobs]

People call me the love child of David and Monica. I got my first job when I was fifteen doing maintenance on the streetlights. When I turned eighteen, I decided that I was going to be the face of the Internet. I started selling t-shirts and doing promotional stunts. I did a Doge meme on the internet. I dabbed with Stretch Armstrong and launched a cryptocurrency for victims of Eric Andre. Then I cranked up the zen and went on an intellectual property rights rampage. Doge meme provides some much needed relief from the choreography of your life. Just another sign of the Times New Roman.

When I was ten years old, I came home from a science fair and found my father unloading a cart of bananas on the bathroom floor. My father said: ‘You know how hard it is to find a job when you’re a scientist?’ We never talked about it again.

I made it my life’s work to be the most socially inept, ideologically driven monster there is. Extremely sexy. No pudge. Terrifying. Facts. There were a lot of good times. I sourced my energy from the place where kelp forests and calmer seas meet. All the weeds have been swept from my shoulder. I’ve got eight heads. I’ve got fangs. I can spit fire. I can slap really hard. But at the end of the day, my weapon of choice was the legalese deadfall.

I used to make all my own toilet paper. I wanted to impress my friends-- most of whom have comically low self-esteem. I didn’t have a toilet paper factory. I just scanned it on my computer, added water, and voila! There you have it! My paper made all my friends very sad. Sad because they were so impressed.

Oh, and Batman seems like a little bitch if you ask me. He’s nothing but Ben Affleck with long hair. I used to work as a burlesque dancer and I could lift about 300 lbs of watermelons. He could only lift 80 lbs of apples. One time I was hanging out with Vin Diesel, and he lifted 150 lbs of Sour Diesel. ‘I’m going to jail for this,’ he said.

[The world will shine with light in our nightmare]

People call me the love child of David and Monica. I got my first job when I was fifteen doing maintenance on the streetlights. When I turned eighteen, I decided that I was going to be the face of the Internet. I started selling t-shirts and doing promotional stunts. I did a Doge meme on the internet. I dabbed with Stretch Armstrong and launched a cryptocurrency for victims of Eric Andre. Then I cranked up the zen and went on an intellectual property rights rampage. Doge meme provides some much needed relief from the choreography of your life. Just another sign of the Times New Roman.

When I was ten years old, I came home from a science fair and found my father unloading a cart of bananas on the bathroom floor. My father said: ‘You know how hard it is to find a job when you’re a scientist?’ We never talked about it again.

I made it my life’s work to be the most socially inept, ideologically driven monster there is. Extremely sexy. No pudge. Terrifying. Facts. There were a lot of good times. I sourced my energy from the place where kelp forests and calmer seas meet. All the weeds have been swept from my shoulder. I’ve got eight heads. I’ve got fangs. I can spit fire. I can slap really hard. But at the end of the day, my weapon of choice was the legalese deadfall.

I used to make all my own toilet paper. I wanted to impress my friends-- most of whom have comically low self-esteem. I didn’t have a toilet paper factory. I just scanned it on my computer, added water, and voila! There you have it! My paper made all my friends very sad. Sad because they were so impressed.

Oh, and Batman seems like a little bitch if you ask me. He’s nothing but Ben Affleck with long hair. I used to work as a burlesque dancer and I could lift about 300 lbs of watermelons. He could only lift 80 lbs of apples. One time I was hanging out with Vin Diesel, and he lifted 150 lbs of Sour Diesel. ‘I’m going to jail for this,’ he said.

I gotta be honest.  Out of all the confessions and stories I've read in this thread, yours has really impacted me the most.  I would love to see a feature film directed by Tyler Perry about your experiences if circumstances permit.

[💥💥 brandon bro (he/him/his)]

Misses Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

[ltomlinson31]

Misses Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

The baby looked at you?

[LastMcGovernite]

When I was in high school, I got in trouble for drawing a picture of John Quincy Adams dressed like a pimp on the back of an assignment.

[Atlas Has Shrugged]

Misses Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

Blotter? Gel tabs? Or just good ole fashion shrooms?

[DC Al Fine]

I get lots of praise for my special homemade ciders. They're literally just hooch I make in a closet with Great Value apple juice, table sugar and bread yeast.

[Boobs]

Sometimes I just zone out and pine for the glory days of stagecoach robbery and wealth creation-- when everything was new and people were held accountable for their crimes. Back in the day there was a little bit of everything: comb-over haircuts, full-on belly hair, and pillaging the high seas for precious metals. Even the phone sex wasn’t nearly as traumatic. On the other hand, the horses come in way more color options these days. And that’s something to feel good about.

[Atlas Has Shrugged]

This HCP guy is hilarious! John Duke now has some competition lol

[T'Chenka]

This HCP guy is hilarious! John Duke now has some competition lol

HCP is the poster that the jews were promised in the Torah.

[WD]

This HCP guy is hilarious! John Duke now has some competition lol

HCP is the poster that the jews were promised in the Torah.

HCP is Olawakandi’s chosen successor

[The world will shine with light in our nightmare]

Where I lived at Pencey, I lived in the Ossenburger Memorial Wing of the new dorms. It was only for juniors and seniors. I was a junior. My roommate was a senior. It was named after this guy Ossenburger that went to Pencey. He made a pot of dough in the undertaking business after he got out of Pencey. What he did, he started these undertaking parlors all over the country that you could get members of your family buried for about five bucks apiece. You should see old Ossenburger. He probably just shoves them in a sack and dumps them in the river. Anyway, he gave Pencey a pile of dough, and they named our wing alter him. The first football game of the year, he came up to school in this big goddam Cadillac, and we all had to stand up in the grandstand and give him a locomotive--that's a cheer. Then, the next morning, in chapel, be made a speech that lasted about ten hours. He started off with about fifty corny jokes, just to show us what a regular guy he was. Very big deal. Then he started telling us how he was never ashamed, when he was in some kind of trouble or something, to get right down his knees and pray to God. He told us we should always pray to God--talk to Him and all--wherever we were. He told us we ought to think of Jesus as our buddy and all. He said he talked to Jesus all the time. Even when he was driving his car. That killed me. I just see the big phony bastard shifting into first gear and asking Jesus to send him a few more stiffs. The only good part of his speech was right in the middle of it. He was telling us all about what a swell guy he was, what a hot-shot and all, then all of a sudden this guy sitting in the row in front of me, Edgar Marsalla, laid this terrific fart. It was a very crude thing to do, in chapel and all, but it was also quite amusing. Old Marsalla. He damn near blew the roof off. Hardly anybody laughed out loud, and old Ossenburger made out like he didn't even hear it, but old Thurmer, the headmaster, was sitting right next to him on the rostrum and all, and you could tell he heard it. Boy, was he sore.

[Boobs]

The janitor at my high school turned out to be my mentor— an incredible woman, who claimed to be a time traveller from 1790s France, named Marie Antoinette Bouvier de Ville. She was 6 foot tall and wore a diamond-encrusted lizard brooch on her suit. She cleansed my school of vipers while keeping the sharks down. I was the smallest but most attractive person in my class, so I was always scared. Everyone thought I was a loser. They teased me. They called me ‘Crap Daddy.’ But she forced me to see that my peers were just filthy viper spawn. She taught me how to use advanced techniques like applying pressure and heating things with acetone. When I was only fourteen, she bought me a ticket to ride on the back of an elephant. It was so fun.

[Kleine Scheiße]

The janitor at my high school turned out to be my mentor— an incredible woman, who claimed to be a time traveller from 1790s France, named Marie Antoinette Bouvier de Ville. She was 6 foot tall and wore a diamond-encrusted lizard brooch on her suit. She cleansed my school of vipers while keeping the sharks down. I was the smallest but most attractive person in my class, so I was always scared. Everyone thought I was a loser. They teased me. They called me ‘Crap Daddy.’ But she forced me to see that my peers were just filthy viper spawn. She taught me how to use advanced techniques like applying pressure and heating things with acetone. When I was only fourteen, she bought me a ticket to ride on the back of an elephant. It was so fun.

That's a shame.

That's a damned shame.

I'm sorry to hear that.

That must be tough.

What a shame.

Do you need anything?

I've got some to give you, if you'd care to help yourself.

I'll look after your wife.

I'll give you what she needs and I'll keep you from getting tired of her.

That's enough.

Thanks.

This is the greatest thing that could have happened to me today!

This is what I have to do.
This is why I can't believe what's going on in my life.
We are all suffering,

and you just saved my life.
This is what we've been waiting for!

I'm... feeling very different.

Is this what is causing it?

Well, if it is,
I will never go back to you.
Don't worry. I'm doing it all right,
my daughter will take it all in stride.
You... you do great.

What you did is brilliant.
You are amazing.

You saved my life and I...
I'll never forgive you.

[Astatine]

I am tripping on acid right now, spent one hour reading on this forum straight while listening to Yugoslav war music and olawakandi's posts made so much more sense.

Edit: and it scares the hell out of me that Joe Biden's Instagram feed has exactly 666 posts at this moment.

Edit edit: gerrymandering is one whole level next on spookiness. Did anyone ever stare at gerrymandered districts on acid?

[Astatine]

Okay, I am calming down right down more and more from my pretty good trip and as I do not want to lose what I experienced about this forum, I decided to write it down. Will see whether I'll regret it but I sincerely would regret not to write this now.

I legit checked almost all of my old posts I did here since, and that was a very strengthening experience because my boyfriend and me both have tripped together, while we were watching cartoons before, he decided to play on his laptop and I checked in - how I refer to it - "my politics forum".
It made me realize what time has passed by since we met each other and how often it happened - especially during lockdown - that we were chilling and I was just scrolling on Atlas. So every post is like connected to things that happened. And I really realized how often I smirked when I saw OC's posts.

So to whomever reads this, I want to thank y'all for having turned this forum to an important part of my daily life. I lived through happy and bad moments while being on here in the past 9 months.

I do hope this is somewhat understandable I know I am just typing gibberish, ough.

[Atlas Has Shrugged]

Okay, I am calming down right down more and more from my pretty good trip and as I do not want to lose what I experienced about this forum, I decided to write it down. Will see whether I'll regret it but I sincerely would regret not to write this now.

I legit checked almost all of my old posts I did here since, and that was a very strengthening experience because my boyfriend and me both have tripped together, while we were watching cartoons before, he decided to play on his laptop and I checked in - how I refer to it - "my politics forum".
It made me realize what time has passed by since we met each other and how often it happened - especially during lockdown - that we were chilling and I was just scrolling on Atlas. So every post is like connected to things that happened. And I really realized how often I smirked when I saw OC's posts.

So to whomever reads this, I want to thank y'all for having turned this forum to an important part of my daily life. I lived through happy and bad moments while being on here in the past 9 months.

I do hope this is somewhat understandable I know I am just typing gibberish, ough.

We’re glad you’re here!

[KaiserDave]

This is why Atlas is brilliant

[Boobs]

I did a bunch of Sun Tzu stuff when I was younger. I’d lay traps, and wait for armies to fall by my hand. I was a really troubled kid. When I was sixteen, I got picked up for ‘unlawful meditation.’ My attorney was a whimsical dude who went by the name of The Technicolor Kid. He’d look at me like I was some sort of iconic villain or something. I’d try telling him that it was just a run-of-the-mill case, but he’d always say: ‘You’ve got rock star genes kid.’ The judgement reader gave me seven years in the monastery. No luck. No pancakes.

[True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자)]

I did a bunch of Sun Tzu stuff when I was younger. I’d lay traps, and wait for armies to fall by my hand. I was a really troubled kid. When I was sixteen, I got picked up for ‘unlawful meditation.’ My attorney was a whimsical dude who went by the name of The Technicolor Kid. He’d look at me like I was some sort of iconic villain or something. I’d try telling him that it was just a run-of-the-mill case, but he’d always say: ‘You’ve got rock star genes kid.’ The judgement reader gave me seven years in the monastery. No luck. No pancakes.

At least you still had waffles.

[GeneralMacArthur]

I did a bunch of Sun Tzu stuff when I was younger. I’d lay traps, and wait for armies to fall by my hand. I was a really troubled kid. When I was sixteen, I got picked up for ‘unlawful meditation.’ My attorney was a whimsical dude who went by the name of The Technicolor Kid. He’d look at me like I was some sort of iconic villain or something. I’d try telling him that it was just a run-of-the-mill case, but he’d always say: ‘You’ve got rock star genes kid.’ The judgement reader gave me seven years in the monastery. No luck. No pancakes.

This sounds like a Hunter S. Thompson quote.

[Torie]

[Torie]

Yeah, I thought prudence dictated that at this point I had better turn the wheel over to Roby.

[T'Chenka]

Yeah, I thought prudence dictated that at this point I had better turn the wheel over to Roby.

HAHAHAHA