July 15, 1991South Boston, Massachusetts
Home is Where the Heart isEasy Livin’ - Uriah Heep It had been quite the journey for James Michael Hardy. Never in a million years could he have imagined that he’d end up at this stage making this announcement. Just five short years ago, he was still serving as the Mayor of Fall River, Massachusetts, beginning his bid to become the Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Even that office seemed unattainable to him at the time, or at very least he felt as if he was unworthy to hold it. The step he was taking on this day however seemed surreal in the deepest sense of the word. There were many questions that haunted his consciousness on this day. Would his father finally accept him now that he had made his mark on the world? Would his friends and family view him as a failure if this bid were to be unsuccessful? “Why the f**k does it have to be here of all places? Back here in Southie! Why do I ALWAYS end up back here?” He thought about the day he left home for Fall River in the first place. The long overnight shifts stocking shelves, going home to sleep for an hour and a half, and then punching in for another eight hours to go work on one of Fall River’s many commercial fishing boats.
Donahue: You good man? I know you’ve probably got some butterflies right about now.
Hardy: It’s just… Why the f**k here man? Couldn’t I have made this speech at the State House?
Donahue: That was the original plan. You can thank Mr. Westman for this.
Hardy: How so?
Donahue: Well he made his f***in speech at a goddamn hole in the wall rib joint in Montana. Doesn’t get more common man or hometown hero than that! We have to at least attempt to match that same type of quaint, rustic, vibe.
Hardy: You want rustic? We could’ve gone out to the goddamn Berkshires if we wanted rustic! There’s nothing rustic about Southie at all.
Donahue: Yes, but some folks love the idea of the hometown hero giving the speech from, ya know. His hometown!
Hardy: (Peaks his head out to Survey the Crowd) For Christ’s sake, my dad could be here! I haven’t seen him in like 10 years, man! And God knows who else he’s told.
Armstrong: (Appearing behind the curtain) I suppose that’s my fault. How are you doing champ?
Hardy: Oh Jackie, thank God you’re here! I was afraid you might not show.
Armstrong: Trust me Jimmy, there’s nothing happening in Chicago that’s more exciting than this.
Donahue: What’s the matter, tired of watching the Cubs lose?
Armstrong: I could watch the Cubs lose all day. I’m a White Sox fan, Matty boy. You know, the actual Sox.
Donahue: Yeah the “actual” Sox. At least our Sox make a World Series every now and then. Your losing streak is even longer than ours buddy! And once my cousin gets called up to the majors you’re all in for it!
Armstrong: Oh yeah your cousin. What’s his name again? Hercules or some sh*t?
Donahue: It’s Connor sh*thead. I think you’re referring to his middle name which is Bartholomew.
Armstrong: Oh yeah that’s right. How the hell did he get that name?
Donahue: I don’t know man, he’s named after my great-grandfather.
Armstrong: So how the hell did your great-grandad get that name?
Donahue: F**k if I know man. He was born in Ireland in the 1800’s for Christ’s sake.
Armstrong: Man, and white people like to give us sh*t about what we name our kids. Goddamn hypocrites if you ask me!
Hardy: I’m really thrilled you guys are having fun right now, but uhh, I’m about to announce that I’m running for President of the goddamn United States right now! Can we please focus on that for a little bit?
Donahue: You’ll be fine, just remember what I told you last night.
Hardy: Matt, I drank about 20 shots of whiskey last night. I don’t remember jack sh*t about last night!
Donahue: Oh yeah that’s right. To be honest with you, I can’t remember what I said either. I’m sure it was something profound and astute though.
Armstrong: Last time you said something profound and astute you tried hitting a bull’s eye in that dart game and hit me right in the ass with your shot!
Donahue: Jackie, this is about Jimmy right now, let’s focus on him instead of me, okay?
Hardy: Did you at least bring the suit for me?
Donahue: The suit?
Hardy: DON’T TELL ME YOU FORGOT MY SUIT!
Donahue: I was just as plastered as you were last night, Jimmy! You’re lucky I even made it here on time!
Hardy: This can’t be happening right now! I’m literally wearing a f***in Pink Floyd tank top! I can’t announce for President of the United States in this sh*t!
Armstrong: Well lucky for you guys I always carry an extra suit with me in my briefcase, you never know when it might be needed.
Donahue: You just carry an extra suit with you for the f**k of it?
Armstrong: Man, I live in Chicago. You never know when a change of clothes is going to come in handy! (Gives Hardy the briefcase)
Donahue: Actually to be fair, I do have a second tailor down in Newport. You know, for those nights on the beach…
Hardy: Jackie, WHY IS THIS SUIT WHITE?!
Armstrong: It’s my clubbing suit. It’s better than nothing, Jimmy!
Hardy: At this point I’m seriously considering going out there wearing the Pink Floyd shirt. I’m going to look like a goddamn idiot either way!
Armstrong: Put the suit on, stop being so self-conscious!
Donahue: Listen to Jackie, Jimmy. Besides, I haven’t yet revealed what I’ve got in my briefcase yet.
Armstrong: I sincerely hope it’s some type of Irish poem of inspiration.
Donahue: It’s Scottish and inspiring. So not quite as good, but close enough!
Donahue revealed a bottle of Johnnie Walker blue, still in its box freshly sealed. He poured a tall glass for each of the trio present.
Hardy: Are you insane? I’m already going to look like a fool out there, and now a drunken fool on top of it?
You don’t have to get drunk, but I would highly suggest you calm your nerves a bit.
Armstrong: (Places his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder) Yeah Jimmy, you could definitely use a drink!
Jimmy shoots a disappointed look at his friends, betraying the fact that he felt inadequate for the enormous demands of the job that he was applying for.
Donahue: Look, Jimmy. I don’t know what’s going to happen out there today, that’s entirely up to you. However, there is one fact that I am wholly sure of. You’re the man for this job. There isn’t anyone in this country that I know of that is more worthy of such a responsibility.
Hardy: But…. It’s just, I’ve made so many mistakes!
Donahue: It’s not about the mistakes that you’ve made, it’s about what you’ve learned from the last. And trust me when I say this, you have learned more about life than anyone I know, including myself.
Hardy: You’re a U.S. Senator, and before that you were the best defense attorney in Massachusetts! Why didn’t you just run?
Donahue: Because I know that there is a time and a place for all things. And this…. This is your time, my friend. If I were to attempt to run for president in this election, I’d be lucky to make it out of Iowa in one piece.
Armstrong: I fully concur with Matt here. Listen, I love you Jimmy, but even I can’t fully explain what it is that you possess. You possess a particular type of x-factor that none of the rest of us have.
Donahue: You know what? F**k the Walker Blue!
Donahue reaches into his sock and pulls out a small 1.5 oz bottle of what appeared to be a type of whiskey with an unreadable label.
Donahue: This is one of my most prized possessions. It came from my great-grandfather Bartholomew before he left Ireland. I keep it with me for good luck. However, I think this momentous occasion calls for a transfer of ownership. I want you to have it, Jimmy.
Armstrong: Drink up, buttercup.
Hardy: You know what? I think I’m good now. Maybe another time, Matt. Thanks, guys!
Donahue: Go get 'em, buddy.
Jimmy approached the podium, in his trademark disposition. He was still unsure of himself, particularly given the enormous pressure of the day, but was far more sure of himself then he would’ve been giving the same speech just a few short years ago. This had been a constant in the political career of James Michael Hardy. Never possessing the same levels of self-confidence as many of his peers, but consistently growing daily by his own metric. Jimmy scanned the crowd, as he began to deliver his crucial speech.
Hardy: I’d like to start off by thanking everyone in attendance today, and by offering my sincere gratefulness to everyone that came out to support the…..
Suddenly Jimmy Hardy noticed a man in the crowd that he hadn’t seen in years. It was his father, who he had a severe falling out with about 10 years prior. At that moment, Jimmy remembered the trauma that his family had suffered. The angst and torture that him and his father had collectively suffered at both the hands of the Vietcong, and the wealthy corporatists that Jimmy’s father had slaved away under, for the entirety of his adult life. It was as if a tremendous weight had been lifted off of Jimmy’s shoulders upon seeing his father again, and remembering the suffering that they had endured together. Jimmy now knew the purpose of both his crucial speech, and the mission of his campaign for President.
Hardy: Ya know what? Screw it, Screw it, Screw it! I’m going to save you all the B.S. and cut right to the chase of why I’m deciding to run in this pivotal election. As some of you undoubtedly know, when I was a young man, I went to Vietnam, not because I wanted to, no. But because I was forced into it. Sure, some conservative members of the press will respond to that statement and question my patriotism. Well screw them! Were they there, witnessing their friends and loved ones dying, a cruel heartless death in a battle that had absolutely nothing to do with defending democracy or our way of life? For the vast majority of these pundits, the answer to this question is a resounding no! And even amongst those who were forced to partake in that godawful war, a very low percentage of them had to witness the death of beloved family members! Now, what I say is not meant to slight anyone who courageously sacrificed to take part in that war. But what I say is meant to offer what I believe to be a unique perspective on many of the bloody wars that we have fought in our history.
In World War II, we defeated a genocidal maniac who was hellbent on not only dominating Europe, but the entire world. Was this a justified war for the United States to partake in? I believe you’d be hard pressed to find a single breathing soul who would find a problem in joining the fight to defeat the Axis Powers 50 years ago. A battle of similar ramifications was waged in order to ensure that all people in the United States could be free from bondage, and to establish the precedent of a more perfect union within our borders. Again, this is an example of a war that was entirely justified. However, if you were to ask not only me, but the American public if we are to be the world’s police, I believe you would be met with a negative response of deafening proportions!
Crowd: *Cheers*
Hardy: However, besides the horrifying prospect of yet another war, which is something I believe that we all would oppose except under the most dire circumstances, there is another issue that I believe the current administration and Republican Party is gravely incorrect about. And this issue is the struggle that the American laborer faces each and every day. For the past 10 years, we have been bombarded with what I call “The Big Lie.” The Big Lie tells us that the wealthiest among us remarkably don’t have quite enough money to improve our lives, and that if we just gave them a little bit more, all of our lives would improve by astonishing proportions. Well, my father used to preach to me the benefits of living by what he called, the “Seven Week Rule.” Meaning that if a man hadn’t met his promises within 7 weeks, he would NEVER follow through with these promises! He told me that he came up with this rule because most items ordered by mail would arrive within a window of 6-8 weeks. My father believed that “meeting them in the middle” was the most effective way of determining whether or not you had ordered from a legitimate enterprise, or you had fallen victim to an elaborate scam.
Crowd: *Laughs*
Hardy: While I am not sure if the Seven Week Rule was scientifically tested or not, I believe that 10 years is well beyond sufficient to determine whether or not a guarantee is a scam or not! Over 10 years, and no positive results for working class Americans? I would call that a tremendous lie!
Crowd: *Cheers*
Hardy: I am running for President of the United States, not because I have all the answers, or because I am even the most qualified candidate, but because I believe I possess a unique perspective on the issues that most dramatically affect the American working class, the American soldier, and the American way of life!
Crowd: *Cheers Loudly*
Hardy: God Bless All of you! And God Bless the United States of America!
Crowd: *Chanting* HARDY! HARDY! HARDY! HARDY! HARDY!
Donahue: *Talking on a nearby Pay Phone. Laughing* Yeah, I think we got a winner on our hands!
