The Crusader (Public Service Announcement)
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Lumine
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« Reply #225 on: September 30, 2021, 04:19:23 PM »

I'm not entirely sure how many people are actually engaged (Unionist or Secessionist) on the Lincoln debate and coming election, but I'll be trying to write a story about it, so if anybody (from Lincoln or otherwise) is interested on providing quotes, thoughts or statements on the matter, please let me know.
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« Reply #226 on: October 02, 2021, 09:00:29 PM »
« Edited: October 02, 2021, 09:44:07 PM by Lumine »

The Crusader
Championing biased news since 2017
October 2nd, 2021


Strange Rumblings in Lincoln
A Chronicle of the Secessionist Movement

1

PROLOGUE – YES NORTHEAST

Six years ago, the climax of a complex, unexpectedly successful political movement took place on the streets of the defunct Northeast Region. In the aftermath of Bloody July and the push to create what ultimately became the Constitutional Convention, leading Radical politicians like Oakvale and Clyde created the Northeast National Party. Party modeled after the Scottish SNP – currently struggling to regain relevance against British Prime Minister Owen Smith -, the NNP made the case for an independent Northeast and led an active, serious effort to achieve secession as the game, quite literally, stood on the crossroads. Initially thwarted on their attempts by constitutional provisions or by the Reformers, the NNP ultimately secured a referendum to be held on October 2015.

At the start of that pivotal night for Atlasia, the “Yes Northeast” camp stood confident of victory. NNP leader Clyde – who had been praised over his active efforts to promote his case for independence – expected a healthy margin in favor of secession, which would have only required an actual majority to exist. To his displeasure, as the night developed turnout revealed itself anemic, Reformer efforts bore fruit, and the YES stance was defeated with 60% of the vote, with only 20 voters taking part in a democratic exercise that could have changed the fate of the game in the years to come. The 2015 NNP experience has been occasionally mentioned or discussed before, but as the years go on and history is lost through distance, it appears as a mere footnote despite being the closest we've been to legal separation of the regions.

ONE - THE LINCOLNITE PUZZLE

After five years of existence, it has taken time and effort for the consolidated regions to build – or rebuild – their own identities and idiosyncrasies, often via different roads. There are those who have built on the past and re-adapted it, like the Southern Region – itself a direct heir to its main predecessor -, and those who have slowly built an identity of their own, like the Commonwealth of Frémont. Still, it is Lincoln who proves to be the more puzzling entity in terms of its own history and identity, itself being a region formed out of two of the most consistently active and engaging entities (Midwest and Northeast) of pre Con Con Atlasia.

Although an opponent to secession, regional legislator Brother Jonathan (FED – Lincoln) argues in favor of the existence of a distinct spirit of Lincoln (albeit as an integral part of the union), stating: “It is a sociological fact that Lincoln as a whole, and New England in particular, are distinct from the rest of the country—but every region is in its own way distinct, and only once in the history of our country has a region forcefully sought to turn that sociological fact into a realized political one, with devastating results. So I hope we listen to our namesake and to Daniel Webster and not to those who would seek to tell us our Union can, must, or should be separated for reasons that are not now new or even recently discovered."

Whether a “Lincolnite” identity truly exists or not is something that The Crusader – attached as it is to Frémonter romanticism - cannot judge, but it is undoubtedly an entity in which relevant events take place. Be it as the closest thing to a “swing region” – in which the Labor Party nonetheless holds a commanding lead – we have, or as an always controversial semi parliamentarian experiment under the defunct Philadelphia Plan, one can expect interesting headlines to come out of New York City. It is therefore appropriate, both on heritage and context, that Lincoln is now ground zero for the latest serious attempt at political secession – Alaskan shenanigans notwithstanding – courtesy of declared or closet supporters of independence, resulting in a straw poll being held during this weekend.

TWO – THE ROAD TO SUCCESSION SECCESSION

No region has been exempt of political malpractice and/or mismanagement, but it can be argued Lincoln has suffered most than its two counterparts in recent years.

Be it either the verbally violent parliamentary coups under the previous constitution, or the repeated inability to pass viable budgets – with months long shutdowns going ignored -, or even the difficulty in getting enough people to be invested in regional governance, the region has experimented player-associated flaws that serve as an amplified sample of the difficult place the Republic finds itself at the moment, half-dead and half-deserted out of sheer inertia and boredom. The Lincolnite answer to the troubling regional and national context, it seems, has been to unintentionally resuscitate the dream of Yes Northeast and the Northeast National Party, but this time under the premise of separating well over a third of the nation and many of its most illustrious citizens from the game to form a new, presumably more dynamic entity.

Much of this appears to be rooted on the conflicted personal dynamics between the members of the regional government, many of them long-term participants of it. Indeed, the prelude to this recent secessionist movement – which originally invoked the tired cliche of revolutionary violence as the means to the end – appears to have been the very public conflict over the Speakership of the General Court and the associated dynamics of conflict. In the words of secessionist leader CraneHusband (REV FED – Lincoln): “The movement for secession became salient due to widespread discontent at the leaders' inactivity and undemocratic actions taken by the General Court.”

Thus, a very public fight between Mr. Crane and Mr. Wulfric (DA – Lincoln) – initially a pro-union politician during the early, violent days of the secession movement – led to a split within the Lincoln government, amidst the mobilization of the regional guard, action from the Justice Department, cases being brought before the Supreme Court, and the apparent possibility of there being two governments asserting to be the rightful legislature. This was ultimately addressed in a compromise between Governor KaiserDave (LAB – Lincoln), Crane and Wulfric, who negotiated a constitutional amendment that passed the General Court and which forms the basis of the current secession straw poll.

Still, the seriousness of the moment must not be ignored. As Attorney General Truman (LAB – Frémont) explains: “When the revolution began, the secessionist leaders appealed to me for my support and the support of my government. Though I sympathized with several of their grievances, as we must all lament the sickly state of our national institutions, I could not grant their request, for diverse reasons, which I will relate to you now. There was, of course, the dubious constitutionality of the initial proclamation of independence. But ultimately, I could not support them because I believed (and believe) they would fail in their nobler aims even in succeeding in their baser ones.


THREE – A CAMPAIGN OF SILENCES

Although the public debate surrounding such a crucial decision has been disappointingly muted and low profile – as, perhaps, befits the sad state of the nation -, there are those who have raised their voices in opposition to the secession movement. Recently returned officeholder Sirius (DA – Lincoln) – previously known as GM and presidential candidate Ninja – was quick to form the Lincoln Unionist Coalition, a political group which aimed to take a stand against secession and which attempted, unsuccessfully, to target the incumbent Governor. The LUC, as its founding statement argues, believes: “that secession from the union is a dangerous move that will not benefit Lincolnites, threaten the stability of the game, and led by small group of narcissistic political leaders.” The creation of the LUC was, recently, met both with hilarity by Mr. Crane and support by citizens like new presidential candidate Joseph Cao (FED – Lincoln).

Even if the secessionist case appears to be hampered by the lack of an official and active campaign – at least out in the open – some are less than complimentary regarding the similarly anemic efforts to support the Unionist case. Attorney General Truman is particularly critical of this aspect, stating that: “I am, however, deeply disturbed by the lack of compelling arguments from the Lincoln unionists. Most of them are not even from the region (…). The few home-grown unionists are entirely uninspired. Mr. Ninja has called the independence campaign "dangerous" and destabilizing. What could be more dangerous, than to continue to ply the status quo? There have been several impassioned appeals to patriotism. A Union, however, that exists only on paper, inspires no loyalty. This is indeed a dire state of affairs. Though I love the Union, I despair for her, if these be her best defenses.”

Still, even in the middle of collective apathy sides can be chosen and public stances taken. For example, Presidential candidate Spark (FED – South) stated that: "As an officeholder and citizen, there is no higher priority than to keep this country together. I've worked for my entire career to further Atlasia's mission and it is clear that we are stronger together than divided. I encourage all Lincolnites to denounce secession and remain in the Union." In another case, likely Labor nominee and presidential frontrunner Scott (LAB/PAX – Frémont) has recently vowed to whip votes to oppose secession at the current straw poll. Others, like Mr. Wulfric, have come out in favor of it, creating the prospect of a pro-independence supermajority at the General Court regardless of the results of the straw poll and proposed constitutional amendment.

And then there are those whose actual allegiance can be difficult to ascertain, or who have decided to adopt some measure of political neutrality. Governor KaiserDave, whom The Crusader recently satirized as a would-be secessionist, had this to say: "I have no official position on the referendum, other than I will protect the integrity and stability of Lincoln from external interference no matter the result. I will not hesitate to adopt enthusiastic measures for the protection of the homeland."

Perhaps more poignantly, there are those who can still feel passionately about the eventual result or the consequences of it. Brother Jonathan had this to say: “I am concerned that a region named for the man who most eloquently and forcefully articulated the inseparable nature of our union might perhaps now be cast as the vehicle of its ultimate dissolution. I make no bones about the fact that I consider myself a regionalist, but I do not believe that love of one's region should lead one to always seek to shear it away from the tapestry which it helps to comprise. (…) I am a proud Lincolnite, I will always be a proud Lincolnite, and it is for this reason I cast my lot with the Union that is the rightful and proper inheritance of all Lincolnites dead, alive, and yet unborn."

FOUR – THE REALITIES OF SECESSION

Can secession win the weekend? Even without a single vote being counted, the required constitutional margin of 75% is simply too high for any single position – let alone secession – to prevail, barring a further cratering of turnout in this low activity age. And although it is still early, the currently casted ballots indicate a strong turnout for no, providing little opportunity for the Yes camp. Even Mr. Crane recognizes this statistical reality, conceding that: “I would say based on early reports that these measures will not be successful, in no small part due to lack of knowledge about what the referendums do and don't do. In any event, we never foresaw a situation where interest in the game or activity would be restored to ideal levels.”

From a more historical perspective, Attorney General Truman is also skeptical of the potential for any successful push towards regional independence: “All of them have been the pet projects of one or two individuals, lacking a broad base of popular support. These inevitably crumble after a few days once the initial zeal of the conspirators is worn out, and things return to their normal state. This attempt in Lincoln is no different. Only a very few dim minds can conceive the present state of affairs to be acceptable. I do not see, in this independence campaign, a remedy to our present ailment." Still, Mr. Truman does not seem to be optimistic about what lies ahead: "When the referendum fails, the people will look to their leaders to rebuild our republic in a new era. Then, I fear, we shall see how "the best lack all conviction, and the worst are filled with passionate intensity."

Secession, it seems, is often a cry of help – or boredom – when the present state of the nation is unfulfilling and/or stale, both qualities which have been in open display for months, if not years. Even under the recent backdrop of two highly controversial and hotly contested presidential races, the nation is experimenting with the – unlikely – prospect of regional independence, and few people beyond the so called usual suspects appear to care. Under different circumstances, it would not to be impossible to see a better or more actively organized movement finding a route, if not to constitutional success, at the very least to ongoing legitimacy, something that may yet become a reality under the incoming General Court.

These are strange rumblings in Lincoln, alright. And the fact that they are mere rumblings as opposed to loud alarms of imminent danger is, undoubtedly, a problem.
_____________________________
1.) Original Image:
George Peter Alexander Healy, Painting of Abraham Lincoln, 1869, Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.


2.) A number of officeholders volunteered statements or were approached for their insight, some of which could not answer in time or had no comments to make.
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S019
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« Reply #227 on: October 02, 2021, 09:05:41 PM »

Very well written, great job! I love the quotes from prominent politicians, too! I got the impression that I was reading an article from a newspaper of record, such as the New York Times, the prose works well, and also the way that the article is divided into sections allows the reader to comprehend it quite well. A job well done!
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The world will shine with light in our nightmare
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« Reply #228 on: October 02, 2021, 09:37:04 PM »

Holy crap.

More of these, please. The Crusader makes the FAILING NEW YORK TIMES look like the National Enquirer.
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KaiserDave
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« Reply #229 on: October 02, 2021, 09:57:02 PM »

Wonderful work
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Unconditional Surrender Truman
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« Reply #230 on: October 02, 2021, 10:17:39 PM »

Beautiful prose, as ever, Lumine. I wish there were a nation worthier of this effort.
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Continential
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« Reply #231 on: October 02, 2021, 11:56:51 PM »

I hope that you do another piece like this, ideally on the presidential race.
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Joseph Cao
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« Reply #232 on: October 03, 2021, 02:32:01 AM »

This is incredible. A home run of an article delivered by the best possible person to pull all of this together. Congratulations, Lumine.
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Lumine
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« Reply #233 on: October 05, 2021, 05:12:31 PM »

I already invested effort on one article, so it's only fair to resume delivering mediocre entries:

The Crusader
October 5th, 2021


In the News:

Secession to fail in Lincoln
Amidst decent turnout, seccession measures set to lose,
the nation wonders what the point of the snap elections were

Fourth time is the charm
Senator Spark chooses 4th running mate,
Vows to run again if defeated,
"Self-awareness is not his forte", insider says

United for Lincoln
Politicians from multiple parties give birth to the UFL,
Despite most founders being pro-secession, party defines itself unionist,
Will we see a new pro-devolution regional consensus?

Tales from Atlasland:

The King of Lincoln?
Failed referendum leaves an apparent victor,
As Lincoln politicians shift away from the Union,
FM Truman denounces "Wulfricism" in speech

1

_____________________________
1.) Original Image: A relic of the dark ages, F. Opper, Puck Magazine, 1894, Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
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Lumine
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« Reply #234 on: October 13, 2021, 08:40:46 PM »

The Crusader
Championing biased news since 2017
October 13th, 2021

Coming soon,
to a voting booth near you:

1

After years of forced retirement, renowned operative Agent Spark - key asset of FI6, the Federalist intelligence agency - has been brought back into the field to fight the nefarious communist organization Spectre and all of its undercover agents, many of which pose as normal, upstanding citizens. In spite of having lost three successive partners and some complaints by would-be leading ladies, Agent Spark and his DIA counterpark Felix CentristRepublican have persevered and are hot on the trail of villanous Spectre Chairman Ernst Stavro MB, whose plan to take over the world is on the verge of success.

And yet, Agent Spark must face endless perils before taking on MB, including a tense rivalry with his FI6 replacement, the dashing Agent Cao (who wants to take the mission for himself); fending off the dangerous Colonel Scott, whom FI6 considers a Spectre covert agent; and convincing the FI6 team (including newly promoted chief "L") that only he has what it takes to prevent a communist takeover. Is there still a place in the world for an operative like Agent Spark? Will he find true love at last after the devastating loss of Vesper Virginia? Can he stop MB in time?

Only time will tell.

AGENT SPARK WILL RETURN
_____________________________
1.) Original Image:
La Rareza de Hildebrando, Revista Zig-Zag, 1968, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
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Spark
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« Reply #235 on: October 13, 2021, 08:58:13 PM »

The Crusader
Championing biased news since 2017
October 13th, 2021

Coming soon,
to a voting booth near you:

1

After years of forced retirement, renowned operative Agent Spark - key asset of FI6, the Federalist intelligence agency - has been brought back into the field to fight the nefarious communist organization Spectre and all of its undercover agents, many of which pose as normal, upstanding citizens. In spite of having lost three successive partners and some complaints by would-be leading ladies, Agent Spark and his DIA counterpark Felix CentristRepublican have persevered and are hot on the trail of villanous Spectre Chairman Ernst Stavro MB, whose plan to take over the world is on the verge of success.

And yet, Agent Spark must face endless perils before taking on MB, including a tense rivalry with his FI6 replacement, the dashing Agent Cao (who wants to take the mission for himself); fending off the dangerous Colonel Scott, whom FI6 considers a Spectre covert agent; and convincing the FI6 team (including newly promoted chief "L") that only he has what it takes to prevent a communist takeover. Is there still a place in the world for an operative like Agent Spark? Will he find true love at last after the devastating loss of Vesper Virginia? Can he stop MB in time?

Only time will tell.

AGENT SPARK WILL RETURN
_____________________________
1.) Original Image:
La Rareza de Hildebrando, Revista Zig-Zag, 1968, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.


A true work of art.
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Lumine
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« Reply #236 on: October 17, 2021, 03:32:59 PM »

The Crusader
Championing biased news since 2017
October 17th, 2021

IMPEACHMENT
Atlasian Crime Story

ACT I
Controversy reigns over the Supreme Court,
With another LT case dismissed, Windjammer is called out,
Calmly and amicably, the Chief Justice answers to his critics
in a rational, responsible manner

1

ACT II
Outraged at the Chief Justice's antics,
The Wulfric, Crane and Spark triumvirate join forces,
Making the case for impeachment, they employ all their persuasion,
And predictably, they botch the public case for it

2

ACT III
South of the Mason-Dixon line,
Governor LT celebrates the ruling and enjoys the fireworks,
Taking up his pen, he gets in the mind of a Laborite and starts to write a book,
"How to screw up an airtight case", he titles it

3

ACT IV
Citizens take sides, parties mobilize,
Justice becomes political yet again,
But if you ask The Crusader,
Only one disciplinary outcome is fair

4

THE END
_____________________________
1.) Original Image:
A hint to the fifty-sixth Congress, Udo Keppler, Puck Magazine, 1898, Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.


2.) Original Image:
The Two Trust, Udo Keppler, Puck Magazine, 1899, UK, Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.


3.) Original Image:
Extra session of the House of Representatives of the Fifty-fifth Congress, Udo Keppler, Puck Magazine, 1897, Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.


4.) Original Image:
Damn Ye Both, Udo Keppler, Puck Magazine, 1894, Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
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Attorney General, LGC Speaker, and Former PPT Dwarven Dragon
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« Reply #237 on: October 17, 2021, 06:46:14 PM »

What the Crusader claims: WJ responded in a rational manner
What actually happened: WJ threatened the careers of Atlasian Elected Officials

Enough said.
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Lumine
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« Reply #238 on: October 17, 2021, 07:02:08 PM »

What the Crusader claims: WJ responded in a rational manner
What actually happened: WJ threatened the careers of Atlasian Elected Officials

Enough said.

I... really don't see how I could have made the dissonance and sarcasm more obvious. The image associated with "rational and responsible" literally shows Windjammer brutalizing Crane!
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Unconditional Surrender Truman
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« Reply #239 on: October 17, 2021, 07:51:42 PM »

If an artillerist fired an anti-aircraft missile at Wulfric's skull, he would be just fine.
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At-Large Senator LouisvilleThunder
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« Reply #240 on: October 18, 2021, 11:12:18 AM »

Wonderful job, Lumine!
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Lumine
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« Reply #241 on: October 18, 2021, 11:34:15 AM »


Thanks! We aim to please and entertain (barring a few exceptions)
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Lumine
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« Reply #242 on: November 15, 2021, 11:38:46 PM »

The Crusader
Championing biased news since 2017
November 16th, 2021
Tales from Atlasland:

A Case of Mistaken Identity?
Prominent politician denounced over controversial behavior,
The accused remains confused about the nature of the allegations,
"What? I was just cosplaying as Charlie Chaplin!", he claims

1

_____________________________
1.) Original Image:   Charlie Chaplin from the film The Great Dictator (1940), Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
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KaiserDave
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« Reply #243 on: December 14, 2021, 10:19:54 PM »

We need an update on the defeat of Wulfric Tongue
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Joseph Cao
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« Reply #244 on: December 15, 2021, 12:08:25 AM »

We need an update on the defeat of Wulfric Tongue

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Lumine
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« Reply #245 on: February 21, 2022, 01:04:50 AM »

The Crusader
Championing biased news since 2017
February 21st, 2022

THE THUNDER AND THE PATRIOT
Story of an Electoral Expedition

I
Frustrated over an inability to find the Electoral Passage,
and after nine previous failed attempts,
The Federalist and Patriot admiralties discuss another route

1

II
Having settled on following the Trumpian current,
Two vessels, the Patriot and the Thunder,
sail across the seas in search of victory

2

III
But trouble strikes, the Libs are not owned,
Patriot is lost, Thunder trapped on demographic ice,
and Captain D'abbing promises Captain Louis de Ville
that he knows a way out of the crisis
"Follow me Patriots, let's Make the Current Great Again!"

3

IV
With half the right wing crews dead, doubts grow,
"Are you absolutely sure this is the way?" asks a moderate crewman,
"Silence, cuck!", D'abbing and de Ville reply,
"We'll find the passage this time, we're sure of it!"

4

V
The next day they see movement at a distance,
and celebrate the end of their plight,
"Reinforcements! Voting reinforcements for the expedition!", both Captains shout,
Only for Labor bears to swallow them whole

5

VI
Across the coming days and months,
the sane, moderate natives see the wreck of Thunder with confusion,
"If only they had asked us!", they exclaim in sadness,
"We would have told them that Trumpian current leads nowhere but to the bears!"

6

THE END
_____________________________

1.) Original Image: Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
2.) Original Image: Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
3.) Original Image: Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
4.) Original Image: Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
5.) Original Image: Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
6.) Original Image: Wikimedia Commons, modified for arguably unfunny Atlasia satire.
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Joseph Cao
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« Reply #246 on: February 21, 2022, 01:18:14 AM »

Satire never dies.

Unlike me, apparently.
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Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee
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« Reply #247 on: February 21, 2022, 01:23:43 AM »

Opposite side of the globe but its mood fits the satire: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb8gVgrXaCQ
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« Reply #248 on: February 21, 2022, 06:32:43 AM »

I finally made it to being one of the gang Tongue
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Lumine
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« Reply #249 on: April 25, 2022, 04:33:57 PM »

Not yet in the mood for high-effort sh*tposting, but in the meantime, a musical reference:

How does Harry Truman, mighty Frémonter,
Historic leader of the Commonwealth,
Founder of the An Iarthar paper,
Ardently abuse his cabinet post
Destroy his reputation?
Welcome, folks to
The current administration!
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