The Rise and Fall of Donald Trump

[mencken]

Don't worry, I have an update in the works...

[mencken]

Chapter Eleven: The Road to War

As previously alluded to, Trump's rise was merely the most prominent anecdote in a tide of nationalism sweeping the Western world. The electoral victories of these nationalist parties put the continued existence of the European Union in doubt. The breaking point came when French President Marine Le Pen held a press conference announcing that France would refuse to accept any more Syrian refugees seeking asylum in their country. In response, German Chancellor Angela Merkel recorded a televised message for the denizens of the European continent, warning against the xenophobic policies of refusing to admit 4 million 18-25 year old Syrian¹ males into their country. Merkel cautioned that such attitudes are what ultimately led to the horrors in Europe of the 1930s and 1940s. The war of words between Merkel and Le Pen escalated for months until the fateful decision came late in the summer: hundreds of thousands of refugees came pouring across the Rhine. The French put up a noble resistance, but ultimately the invading force was too much for the French Army to fend off. They raped, they murdered, they sold drugs, some of them performed good deeds. Against the advice of her father, Marie Le Pen fled Paris for safety in Vanuatu, declaring a government-in-exile. Meanwhile, the French populace was left at the mercy of the refugees and local collaborators.

The Fall of France was not taken lightly by the remaining powers in Europe. Poland, Czechia, Hungary, Slovakia, Greece, the Netherlands, Austria, Finland, and Sweden all made declarations of war against Germany, for violating the laws of nations. This coalition of the willing proved to be formidable adversaries even for the large contingent of refugees - the German Army had become too pusillanimous to wage war on its own since the latter half of the 20th century. Allied forces made significant advances until Germany won an important ally in her fight for religious tolerance. Turkish Prime Minister Recep Erdogan agreed to lend Turkish military assistance to aid the Germans in their operations. Further, some of the ISIS fighters embedded within the refugee population proved surprisingly resilient in the battlefield, stabilizing the front into a stalemate. This situation lingered on for months, and it seemed that further outside intervention would be necessary to tip the scales one way or the other.

Despite figures such as Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, and Pat Condell loudly banging the drums of war, UK Prime Minister David Cameron remained steadfastly neutral in the conflict, not wanting to offend anybody. Russian President Vladimir Putin, while sympathetic to the Allied cause, saw no reason to interfere while Europe participated in its third needless bloodletting contest. Newly re-elected Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, cognizant of the Italian war record, knew better than to pick a side in this conflict.

At last, we turn to the star of the show, Mr. Donald J. Trump. Still bitter about Le Pen's refusal to pay tribute in return for NATO assistance, Trump refused at first to lift a finger in their defense. However, Trump recognized that something had to be done to protect the United States while Europe was cannibalized by multicultural hordes. At a special rally in Charleston, Ivanka², Donald Trump announced that he would be launching a new policy known as Tweet-Tease. While the United States would not send in any ground troops or air defense for the embattled nationalist European countries, Trump would take special measures such as temporarily preventing any suspected Muslims from entering U.S. soil, providing American-manufactured military equipment to the Allied countries for a modest³ fee, and sending approximately four hundred Tweets per day querying into important questions such as Rapin' Angela's involvement in the 1972 Munich massacre. Muslim-Americans held massive protests against this new policy, which prompted riots all over the country. Thousands of Muslim⁴-owned businesses were looted, prompting Interior Secretary Palin to propose the idea of Safe Zones to protect these individuals from Islamophobic mobs.

¹Approximately 200% of Syria's pre-war population of 18-25 males.
²What was then known as the West Virginia state legislature voted unanimously to change the state name in 2017.
³Read: substantial
⁴Also Sikh, Bahai, Coptic, and pretty much any other dark-skinned person

[rpryor03]

It just keeps getting better. Continue, please.

[mencken]

Chapter Twelve: Valkyrie

July 20, 2018 - The day started with something atypical for the Trump administration: an official Cabinet meeting. The meeting generally discussed defense-related issues, with a brief segue into transportation. However, the meeting was interrupted by a large blast - killing HHS Secretary Harold Bornstein and gravely wounding both the President and Defense Secretary Herman Cain. With the President's physician killed, the role of healing the President was left to none other than Surgeon General Ben Carson. Carson operated on the President for nearly thirteen hours, but fortunately the President managed a complete recovery. Although the subsequent PET scan showed what appeared to be a surgical sponge in the President's frontal lobe, few observers noticed any physical or behavioral change. As for Secretary Cain, the shrapnel lodged in his left eye was removed and covered with an eyepatch.

The recovering President demanded to get to the bottom of this issue. Eyewitness testimony and security footage indicated that both HUD Secretary Mitt Romney and Energy Secretary Jeb Bush took bathroom breaks conveniently timed just before the explosion. Under pain of torture, both Cabinet members confessed to being complicit in the plot, along with several other leading neoconservative pundits¹. Trump sought to make an example of his traitorous underlings, but at the same time wanted to demonstrate the superiority of the due process of law. An expedited 5-4 Supreme Court decision affirmed both the guilt of Romney and Bush and the constitutionality of performing the death penalty on their next-of-kin in accordance with the Eighth Amendment². The sentence itself, performed on George P. Bush and Josh Romney, occured speedily on Fifth Avenue, by none other than the President himself, who enjoyed a modest boost in popularity from the whole incident.

President Trump then proceeded to speculate whether or not the conspiracy had any outside support. Trump noted that, in his delirious state, he observed that many Muslim-Americans were cheering at news of his assassination attempt, which may be indicative of complicity. However, Trump hesitated to propose an official solution to this matter, noting that he would have to think about it for a few days. Press Secretary Ann Coulter wryly joked that the waiting period was necessary to "test whether the gas chambers at the FEMA camps are operational," once again sending the Muslim-American community into a tizzy. The uproar of controversy had a therapeutic effect on the President, who requested a special meeting with the head of the Council of American-Islamic Relations³ to work out a solution that would be acceptable for all sides.

At his now trademarked press conference-with-a-hostage-on-stage, Trump and CAIR Director Nihad Awad unveiled their proposal, dubbed the Train Revitalization Undertaken by Muslim People. Our nation's infrastructure is crumbling, while the Chinese have 300 mph bullet trains. This is a problem that needs to be rectified to make our country great again, and who better to perform this task than a smart, capable, and loyal Muslim-American population? They would not be deported and would be safe from any evildoers as they provided needed labor at fair-market value to renovate America's roads and once again make AMTRAK a service worth using.

¹But, just like all Establishment attempts to take out Trump, it failed miserably. Romney and Bush both feuded up to the last minute over whose responsibility it would be to push the suitcase bomb to where it could have a lethal impact on the President, with Romney even at one point attempting to conscript Senator Ben Sasse (R-NE) to do the job.
²Chief Justice Roberts authored the decision, concurred by Justices Alito, Thomas, Barry, and Sheindlin. Justices Kennedy, Ginsberg, Breyer, and Kagan joined the dissent.
³A true Nixon-goes-to-China moment.

[mencken]

Chapter Thirteen: A Tale of Two Cities

The tide seemed to have turned in favor of the Allied forces in Europe, as largely Polish troops obtained decisive victories against the Teutono-Turkic forces in Warsaw and Vienna. Many¹ credit the demoralizing effects of President Trump's tweets regarding the size of Angela Merkel's schlong as being responsible for the victory of the European Nationalists. Meanwhile, Turkish Premier Erdogan pressed that an Islamic caliphate be imposed on the occupied peoples of France and Belgium. When Chancellor Merkel showed signs of resisting this call by her ally, Erdogan reminded her that her nation had an unfortunate history of intolerance toward minorities, a history that a Turkish leader could not possibly relate to². Thus, imposing an Islamic caliphate on Western Europe would be the absolute least Merkel could do to make amends for her nation's dark past. Merkel acceded to this illogic, French women were shot and raped in the streets for refusing to wear burqas, petty thieves were publicly beheaded, book sales for Houellebecq skyrocketed in the black market, dissidents against the state³ were forced to wear identifying armbands in public. France had become a much more tolerant place toward their persecuted Muslim minority.

Back in the States, most Americans would be self-deluded if they honestly believed they were better off now than two years ago. Supermarket shelves were often barren of necessities such as toilet paper and iPhones, and the purchasing power of the dollar had shrunken tremendously. Although unemployment was certainly a thing in the past, few could honestly say they had pride in their work, or a believe that they were actually making a difference toward their standard of living. However, even in incumbency, Donald J. Trump still proved efficacious at serving as a vessel for popular anger. He still raged against the poor living conditions most Americans were subject to, and promised that he would get America better deals with foreign countries to make the country great again. Plus, he raged against the politically correct media, who insisted that the Wall and the railroads were woefully incomplete and inhumane. How could anybody be mad at a guy who made such crude insults against the media and foreign heads-of-state?

Trump eventually got underneath Merkel's skin, prompting the German Chancellor to make an poorly executed joke about the President's hair. This proved to be an adequate casus belli for Trump, who saw a foreign war as a potential release valve for popular anger. The populace, however, needed a bit more convincing, but Trump's revelation of a German plot with Mexico to conquer the American Southwest⁴ proved sufficient. Defense Secretary Herman Cain publically unveiled his nine-step strategery to "beat the sh**t out of Mexico." However, this campaign proved largely ineffective, mostly due to the Defense Secretary's impaired sense of vision and geography. The surviving citizens of Belize were not so forgiving.

To be continued...

¹Read: Donald J. Trump
²Please get this joke.
³Read: Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals
⁴The 101-year old Zimmerman telegram

[NOT gonna be banned soon]

This is great, please continue!

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

This is great, please continue!

[mencken]

I plan to have a few more updates coming this week (hopefully)

[mencken]

Continued...

Just when the racist French people had begun to lose all hope, a sign pointed to deliverance from above. A streetlight with a large "T" in the middle of it shown into the sky, signaling that the people were ready to be saved by a bombastic billionaire acting out of the egotism of his own heart. The following day, paratrooper landings occured all across the country, donning U.S. Army, Trump Deportation Force^TM, and Mexican Federales¹ uniforms, stopping anyone who looked to be of MENA descent. Summary executions were performed of anyone who could not prove European citizenship. Hope was returning to Europe.

A few days later, a helicopter bearing a familiar logo made a conspicious landing at Normandy Airport, with a crowd of hundreds of thousands gathering at the terminal to greet it. The leader of the free world stepped onto the Tarmac, delivering a rousing speech vowing to "Faisons-nous à France bien à nouveau or something," taunting "Rapin' Angela" to do something with Bavarian Sausage too racy to report on this medium, and ambitiously touting his plan to emulate America's greatness, by taking the Arabs' oil to pay for an "immigration net" across the Mediterranean. Chants of "BUILD THE NET! BUILD THE NET!"² could be heard across the continent, as those in attendance were joined in spirit by the millions televising the event from their computer screens. Turkish mercenaries and Arab refugees feared for their lives too much to disrupt the event.

Trump drove in his limousine from Normandy all the way to the Bataclan in Paris, escorted by throngs of people following their savior, and the protection of the U.S. Air Force. Resistance to Trump's "self-funded military campaign"³ utterly crumbled, as it appeared only a matter of time before the EU-Turkish forces were driven from the continent. Trump's Paris speech boasted proudly of his "winning," and the leader's approving nods as some of the more zealous figures in the crowd took his admonitions to "torture the families of ISIS terrorists" into their own hands.

The new order in Europe was crumbling even faster than Trump's limousine could reach. Merkel had retreated into hiding somewhere underground in Berlin, as across Germany people began to take it upon themselves to wrest off the Turkish yoke.

To be continued...

¹ It was later learned that this was a concession extracted from Nieto by Trump's impulsive bombing campaign of Mexico.
² The brutal tolerant occupation made the French people forget their obstinate refusal to acknowledge their comprehension of English.
³Self-funded mostly to the extent that the strongman had plundered most of his country's assets.

[mencken]

I lost the will to finish this in the justice it deserves many months ago, so I will provide a CliffNotes version of how I intended the series to end:

• Power transfer in Germany to respected politicians from Alternative for Germany and National Democratic Party, ensuring that Germany would never again be in a position to impose political hegemony over Europe.
• US-Russian joint offensive against Turkey, culminating in the Russian conquest of Putingrad (formerly Istanbul) and the unveiling of the Hagia Trumpia Casino & Resort.
• Most Turks are "sent back" to Turkmenistan, through combination of self-deportation, repatriation by auxiliary Deportation forces, and ethnic cleaning by Russians/Greeks/Armenians/Kurds. A few are allowed to remain as part of the workforce for the Mediterranean Net^TM.
• Special Presidential trip to Jerusalem, where Emperor Trump forces/negotiates the Israelis and Palestinians into signing a peace agreement, granting Palestinians a monopoly on gambling rights (with Trump International holding a 30% stake) in exchange for recognition of Israeli settlements.
• Sudden death of Emperor Trump from pneumonia while in Baghdad, overseeing the seizure of oil fields from retreating ISIS forces.
• New President Ivanka Trump successfully purges all political opposition: efforts of Russian-armed guerillas to install Melania Trump thwarted; Roger Stone and Alex Jones assassinated by black helicopter drones after plotting a takeover via the Republican Guard; Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz deported to Cuba and Canada, respectively.
• President Ivanka Trump wins 56-44 re-election over Republican nominee Donald J. Trump, Jr.