The Liberal Revolution: Carter in 1980

[Gabu]

Okay, I can't resist.  I simply must do this 

DISCLAIMER: The following is PURELY FICTION (and incredibly stupid).  Any resemblance to events in real life (and any resemblance to anything resembling reality) is purely coincidental.  This is meant to be comedy.

1980:

The date is August 30, 1980.  The Democratic Convention in New York City has just passed sixteen days ago ago, and Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale are now officially nominated as the Democratic ticket.  One month ago, Ronald Reagan and George H. W. Bush were nominated as the Republican ticket.  Five days ago, independent John Anderson had named ex-Wisconsin governor Patrick Lucey as his running mate.  The game was afoot.

Jimmy Carter [/color]	Ronald Reagan [/color]	John Anderson [/color]

The most recent Gallup poll showed the race as a dead heat, with the following results emerging:

Carter/Mondale: 39%
Reagan/Bush: 38%
Anderson/Lucey: 13%

Having just gotten out of his convention and not a sizeable bounce in sight, things were not looking good for Carter.  He was being hit hard for his inability to persuade the Iranian militants who had seized the American embassy in Tehran to let the hostages go, even after the militants' target, deposed Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, left the US and later died in Egypt.  In addition, the so-called "misery index" was very high in 1980, adding fuel to the fire of Reagan's campaign.  Carter tried in vain to change the topic, but it refused to change.

However, Carter was not out of options yet.  There was one side to Reagan that no one knew.  Reagan thought he had hidden it well enough, but he hadn't.

With three weeks to go before election day, Carter leaked his most deadly weapon to the press.  The following morning, because the newspapers complied with Carter's leak, being, of course, all part of the vast liberal media conspiracy against Republicans, citizens were stunned to read the headlines in their newspapers:

RONALD REAGAN EATS
DEAD BABIES

Reagan knew he was sunk.  He tried to hammer home the Iran Hostage Crisis, but to no avail.  He tried pounding on the economy, but the public simply wouldn't listen.  He ate dead babies, after all.  Who would want to listen to a dead-baby-eater?

Reagan was now officially out of options.  Election day came and Jimmy Carter cruised to re-election.



Carter/Mondale: 60.7%, 508 electoral votes
Reagan/Bush: 30.1%, 30 electoral votes
Anderson/Lucey: 9.2%, 0 electoral votes

Everyone in all of America was horrified at the image they saw in their newspapers, except of course Utah.  Reagan never had a chance.  Reagan's apparent lead crumbled before his very eyes and a fair number of Anderson's supporters jumped to Carter in the horror that they might tip their state to Reagan.  The elusive second term was granted for Carter.

(Continued tomorrow when I get a chance... if people want me to. )

[opebo]

Hah, funny post.  But Carter wasn't a liberal.

[opebo]

Yes he is. I think this is the only plausable situation where he would win too.

I don't know what he is now, and don't particularly care.  But as president he was a moderate - quite conservative for a Democrat.

[PBrunsel]

Great parody of my stupid 1964 timeline Gabu! This is great!

[Gabu]

Hah, funny post.  But Carter wasn't a liberal.

Oh, you just wait.

[Gabu]

Shortly after Carter's landslide victory, he received a congratulatory call from Leonid Brezhnev of the Soviet Union.  Brezhnev said that he was pleased that Carter had won and looked forward to working with Carter.  He informed Carter that America was very lucky that Reagan had not been elected!  Because of Reagan's rampant jingoism and nationalism, Brezhnev would have nuked America to kingdom come had Reagan been elected.  Carter had saved the world and was a national hero!  The liberal media quickly rushed into action:

CARTER SAVES WORLD,
REAGAN A JINGOISTIC JERK

Carter's approval ratings in the first poll from Gallup were posted shortly after his inauguration.  The results were as follows:

Do you approve of Jimmy Carter as president?

Yes: 79%
No: 21%

Clearly, things were looking up for Carter.  Exit polls from CNN on the day of the 1980 election gave the following partisan breakdown:

Democrat: 59%
Independent: 31%
Republican: 10%



The GOP was reeling from its loss, but it swore to fight on.  The Senate was now 83 Dem - 17 GOP, but the House was closer, 297 Dem - 138 GOP.

Senate	House

CNN reported that the latter fact was obviously due to rampant GOP gerrymandering.

On February 3, 1981, Carter successfully persuaded the Iranian militants to release their hostages.  The Iranian militants saw how America had sternly rejected the depravity of the immoral Reagan, and because of this, they recognized that maybe Americans were not so horrible after all.  They stressed that they still hated America as a whole, though, and that America had better watch out because the Middle East still hates them, even though they aren't in favor of baby-eaters.

Carter's second term was off to a good start, but there still were many problems in America and the world.  Unemployment and inflation were still skyrocketing, and the Soviet Union still loomed over America's head.  Even though an MSNBC report said that all of them were the GOP's fault, Carter felt he had a solemn duty to the American people to rectify these problems.

To combat the first problem of unemployment and inflation, on March 17, 1981 Carter increased all income taxes for those earning more than $200,000 to 60%, because he recognized that the poor, impoverished lower classes needed more money to spend.  They couldn't help themselves, so it was up to the government to pick them up!  America was shocked by this action, and Carter's approval rating dropped to 55%, but Carter was willing to take a bullet for the team.

However, his plan worked faster than he thought it would.  By January 5, 1982, unemployment and inflation were at nearly record lows of 2% and 1%, respectively.  His plan had worked!  By this time, Carter's approval ratings were back up in the 75% area.   He lost 4% overall because anyone earning over $200,000 now hated Carter, but that's the price you have to pay for progress!  Carter was truly a historic hero for all time!

His second term progressed mostly uneventful from there on in, but his approval ratings never wavered below 70%.  By December of 1983 his approval rating was measured at 80%.

1984 ushered in the year for a presidential election, and up came the primaries.  While Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachussetts won a few of the Democratic primaries, Vice President Walter Mondale easily swept the rest of the nation, going on to become the Democratic nominee.  Meanwhile, in the Republican primary, George H. W. Bush of Texas and Robert Dole of Kansas were the main contenders.  Because of Bush's unfortunate connection with baby-eater Reagan, Dole won every primary except for Texas, going on to become the Republican nominee.

Walter Mondale	Bob Dole

Bob Dole ran on a platform of tax cuts and small government, but the American people were already beginning to shy away from those conservative values.  They saw the valor and merit of Carter's policies, and did not want to give them up.  A Gallup poll run on July 15, 1984, revealed the following results:

Mondale: 79%
Dole: 21%

On August 20, 1984, a surprise event occurred.  A completely unknown guy named Bob Smith of Iowa decided to run for president.  He had no positions whatsoever, and only said that his dream in life was to get Iowa's electoral votes.  He pleaded with the people of Iowa to hear his plea.

Bob Smith [/color]

Mondale chose Rep. Geraldine A. Ferraro of New York as his running mate.  Dole chose Rep. Jack Kemp of New York as his running mate.  Smith chose his out-of-state buddy John Smith of Minnesota to be his running mate.

The debates would soon arrive.  Bob Dole was a crafty one, and he knew he could never win in a real debate, so he instead arranged to have the debates be ping-pong matches.  First to 10 wins the debate were the rules.  Walter Mondale had no problem with this.  Smith was polling in the tenths of a percent, but they decided to let him participate anyway, just because his sob story was so charming.

Unfortunately for Mondale and Dole, Smith and Smith were an ex-ping-pong world champion team.  They swept all four debates.

Election night arrived, and the results were in:



Mondale/Ferraro: 75.1%, 511 electoral votes
Dole/Kemp: 22.6%, 19 electoral votes
Smith/Smith: 2.3%, 8 electoral votes

Mondale continued the crushing defeat dealt to the GOP in 1980.  The entire country was trending away from the GOP, except of course Utah.  It looked like the GOP's time might be up.

As for Smith, he was such a great guy that the Iowans decided to give him his dream.  On top of that, much of the country loved his story so much that he won at least 5% in every state.  He died a happy man at the good age of 89 in 2028.

[PBrunsel]

Mines was more beleivable than this...barely.

[The Man From G.O.P.]

my god what an imagination

[J. J.]

This ends with Soviet tanks rumbling through Nebraska and the US being run by Commisar Kerry, rigth?  ;-)

[ilikeverin]

Those Smiths certainly sound like the Joneses of 1912

[Alcon]

This really is quite hilarious. Keep it up!

[Rob]

Hilarious! Post more.

[Gabu]

Mines was more beleivable than this...barely.

I would hope so, because I'm trying to make this timeline the most silly, partisan, biased thing you've ever seen.   Serious timelines aren't fun at all.

Those Smiths certainly sound like the Joneses of 1912

Oddly enough, I was not thinking of that timeline one bit when I threw in Bob and John Smith.  I guess great minds do think alike.

[Gabu]

I should add that this timeline is dedicated to Ilikeverin, who seemed so distraught over PBrunsel's timeline.

[Gabu]

Mondale was inaugurated in January, and immediately started the year off with a high approval rate, given that he was a true believer in Carter's way of running the country, and the citizens couldn't get enough of it.  A recent Gallup poll read as follows:

Do you approve of Walter Mondale as president?

Yes: 78%
No: 22%

Exit polls from CNN on the day of the 1984 election gave the following partisan breakdown:

Democrat: 61%
Independent: 31%
Republican: 8%



The GOP continued to lose ground in the Senate.  It was now 91 Dem - 9 GOP.  The House mysteriously got closer and was now 254 Dem - 181 GOP.

Senate	House

CNN's best analysts were quoted in their analysis of the oddity surrouding the house as saying, "(censored) GOP (censored)!"

On March 24, 1985, Mondale outlined his foreign policy regarding the Red Menace.  "We recognize that there is a very serious problem surrounding the Soviet Union," Mondale was quoted as saying in a speech, "and we will not stand idly by while Communism exists in the world!  Starting today, we will be following a very aggressive foreign policy towards the Soviet Union."

When reporters asked what that policy was, Mondale responded, "We're going to tell them to stop being Communist, and if they refuse, we'll apologize for the intrusion and perhaps try again in a month or so."  When asked if he had any plans to use the military, embargos, the UN, or anything like that, Mondale said, "What?  Heavens, no!  I don't want to upset them.  That would be downright unpleasant of us to do such a thing."

Mondale giving his speech

Mondale envisioned that this bold foreign policy would create quite a few unbelievers, and he was right.  In roughly a month, his approval rating was down to 52%.  When asked why they changed their minds, many Americans said that they thought he was being far too soft and forgiving towards the Soviet Union.  On July 15, 1985, Mondale wondered whether or not he had made a mistake.  He had asked Brezhnev not to be a Communist twice now, and Brezhnev didn't say yes!  What was a US President to do?

However, on July 16, 1985, Mondale received a phone call from Brezhnev at 11:54 am.  Brezhnev politely informed Mondale that he was sorry for the trouble that he had caused Mondale and that he would stop being a Communist if that's what Mondale really wanted.  Brezhnev told Mondale that the Berlin Wall had just been torn down, that Russia was relinquishing control of all parts of the Soviet Union, and that Brezhnev was stepping down to allow the Russians to democratically elect a president.  Mondale had done it!  The Red Menace was defeated and the Cold War was over without a single altercation!

The liberal media hastily put together something in honor of this event:

MONDALE WINS COLD WAR

There was still the issue of Red China and the other communist countries, but Mondale said that those will be dealt with in time during a speech on September 29, 1985.  He swore that he would not stop until he had had gentle diplomatic meetings with every communist leader in the world, adding that he was aware how harsh such an assertion may sound to the communist leaders.

With the Soviet Union defeated, Mondale's approval ratings reached historic levels.  An October 15, 1985 Gallup poll read as follows:

Do you approve of Walter Mondale as president?

Yes: 91%
No: 9%

By now the GOP was in full panic mode.  They had nearly daily meetings discussing what could be done to defeat the Democrats in the 1988 presidential election, but could not find anything.  Carter and Mondale's performance had been legendary.  It seemed like nothing could stop them.

Through 1986 and 1987, Mondale retained pretty much the status quo in America, and the American people were perfectly fine with that.  Mondale's approval levels remained at legendary levels normally only reserved for presidents directly after a major disaster has occurred.

As 1988 rolled around, Mondale announced his intentions to run for re-election.  Nobody even bothered to challenge him in a primary.

Meanwhile, the Republicans were becoming more and more splintered on the issue regarding how the election should be won.  Three-quarters of them said that they should be more liberal and the rest said that they should simply stay on course and hammer their message home.  In the primary,  the candidate representing the three-quarters of the party who wanted to be more liberal was Sen. John Chafee of Rhode Island, while the candidate representing the rest was Rep. Dick Cheney of Wyoming.

Because the one quarter who wanted Dick Cheney were conservative Republicans, they, of course, committed massive voter fraud and Dick Cheney won enough primaries to become the Republican candidate.

Walter Mondale [/color]	Dick Cheney [/color]

Unfortunately, now that Dick Cheney was the candidate, he was not really sure what to say.  Carter had seemingly permanently fixed the economy and Mondale had won the Cold War through diplomacy and kindness.  What could Cheney possibly argue in favor of his position?  He tried blatant attack ads talking about irrelevant things in a Hail Mary attempt to distract the American people, but this only solidified the American people's trust in Mondale and his wildly successful policies.

Mondale stayed with Ferraro as his running mate, while Dick Cheney frantically searched for someone who could resurrect his campaign that was dead before it even got off the ground.  He couldn't find anyone that would do such a thing.  Perhaps no such person even existed.  No one who wasn't liberal, that is, of course, which was, of course, out of the question.  He eventually settled for George Wallace, ex-Governor of Alabama.

Wallace added a nastiness to this election that was unparalleled since quite a while.  He lashed out at Mondale's "chicken(censored) policies" and said that Mondale was downright un-American.  Needless to say, given Mondale's enormous approval rating, this unfortunately did not appeal to too many voters.

Election night came, and the results were in:



Mondale/Ferraro: 87.6%, 533 electoral votes
Cheney/Wallace: 12.4%, 5 electoral votes

Even Cheney and Wallace's home states voted against them.  The country was being awakened to the success that was liberalism, and was beginning to totally reject all forms of conservatism.  The Republican Party had nearly been reduced to single digits on election day.  Some members of the party were beginning to dig its grave already.

Utah of course ignored absolutely everything that ever happened in the world, and somehow managed to vote 101.3% for Cheney/Wallace.  Five subsequent inquiries turned up no voter fraud whatsoever.  To this day this result mystifies scientists.

[Rob]

Those wacky Mormons;)

[Gabu]

Those wacky Mormons;)

I plan to have them only get wackier.

[Gabu]

Well, I think that's all for today.

1992 shall come tomorrow.

[ATFFL]

My favorite bit is MSNBC popping up a decade or so early.

[Gabu]

My favorite bit is MSNBC popping up a decade or so early.

In a world where Mondale wins an election with 533 electoral votes, I don't think that's the biggest stretch.

[ilikeverin]

I should add that this timeline is dedicated to Ilikeverin, who seemed so distraught over PBrunsel's timeline.

I'm honored

[Gabu]

Well, I'm rapidly running out of material, so I think that the liberal revolution has to end pretty quick.  It'll probably have ended by 1996.  I have an ending in mind that's sounds quite humorous in my mind, though.  Let's hope that it stays being funny when I realize it.

[Gabu]

Following Mondale's reinauguration, his astronomically high approval ratings continued.  A Gallup poll read as follows:

Do you approve of Walter Mondale as president?

Yes: 89%
No: 11%

Exit polls from CNN on the day of the 1988 election gave the following partisan breakdown:

Democrat: 64%
Independent: 32%
Republican: 4%



The GOP's nosedive in the Senate continued, leaving them now at 98 Dem - 2 GOP.  Meanwhile, however, the GOP regained control of the house, putting the total at 257 GOP - 223 Dem.  It actually would have been 223 Dem - 212 GOP, but the Republicans gerrymandered Utah to such an extent that they somehow managed to create 45 extra districts, all of which were won by Republicans.

Senate	House

CNN had no comment to offer, as their analysts were too busy crying in the fetal position.

The first order of business for Mondale was to sternly tell the current President of the People's Republic of China, Yang Shangkun, to stop being such a gosh-darned communist.  He did so on February 3, 1989, but he ended it with "please".  He wouldn't want to be a bother or anything like that.  He figured that Yang Shangkun seemed like a nice gentleman and would comply like that nice man, Leonid Brezhnev did.

When January 2, 1990 came around, and Mondale was beginning to contemplate that maybe he had underestimated his foe.  He would have to step things up a little bit.  On January 3, 1990, he asked Yang Shangkun to stop being communist again.  That'll show him!  Who could resist such a stern request?

Well, Yang Shangkun could, apparently.  On June 15, 1990, Mondale recognized that it was time for drastic measures.  He stomped over to his telephone and called UN Secretary-General Javier Pérez de Cuéllar to inform him that he wanted sanctions placed on China because Yang Shangkun was such a mean man.  Pérez de Cuéllar agreed, and called for a conference to discuss these possibilities.

On October 10, 1990, after roughly 350 conferences, the UN voted in favor... of acknowledging that there was a problem.  Mondale asked Pérez de Cuéllar if the process could maybe be sped up just a little bit to get to the actual sanctions.  Pérez de Cuéllar shook his head and apologized.  He explained that China did not want sanctions, and that the UN must accomodate this request.  It would be downright rude not to, after all!  Mondale thought that something seemed a bit off by these regulations, but he thought nothing of it, because the UN was of course perfect in its organization and ability.

By January 7, 1991, the American people were getting a tad impatient.  A recent Gallup poll said the following:

Do you approve of Walter Mondale as president?

Yes: 63%
No: 37%

Would China be Mondale's downfall?  Mondale couldn't understand it.  He had asked Yang Shangkun twice now to stop being communist, and Yang Shangkun didn't say yes!  What kind of manners were those?  Mondale was at a loss.

The UN continued attempting to approve sanctions against China, but China kept vetoing it, and that of course had to be accommodated.  Some members argued that it kind of made no sense to let China veto actions against itself, but Pérez de Cuéllar said that they had to be nice to everyone, because otherwise an argument would arise, and that wouldn't be nice.

In spite of America's booming economy, a September 15, 1991 Gallup poll read as follows:

Do you approve of Walter Mondale as president?

Yes: 54%
No: 46%

Things were not looking good for the Democrats, but Mondale had no idea what to do, or even if there was anything that could be done.  After all, it's not as if the United States can force anyone to do something.  That would be downright unpleasant.  Mondale sat tight, content with his thoughts that China would come to its senses sooner or later.

As the primaries neared, the tables seemed to be turning.  The Democrats were now the splintered party, with roughly one half of its members arguing that Yang Shangkun was just making up his mind and that he just needed more time, and the other half arguing that we needed to actually use some method of aggression against China.  The Republicans, on the other hand, were united under the belief that aggressive actions were needed.

Representing the first half of the Democrats in the primary was Sen. Paul Simon of Illinois; representing the second half was Gov. William J. Clinton of Arkansas.

Because George H. W. Bush was politically dead after his association with baby-eating Reagan, the Republicans only had one viable candidate from the start, who was Patrick J. Buchanan.

[Gabu]

Originally Clinton looked like he was going to have a lock on the Democratic nomination, but on December 27, 1991, Mondale received a telephone call from Yang Shangkun informing Mondale that he had carefully studied Mondale's request and had decided to accept.  Effective that day, Yang Shangkun would step down as president and allow the people to elect a president of their choice.  Yang Shangkun had come through!

Quickly, the liberal media went to work:

MONDALE DEFEATS RED CHINA

Simon swept the Democratic primary to become the party's nominee.  Buchanan became the Republican nominee.

Early on in the race, things were looking good for Simon.  An April 15, 1992 Gallup poll gave the following result:

Simon: 60%
Buchanan: 40%

Respondents had indicated that Simon's lead was quite shaky, however.  People indicated that the success with Red China impressed them, but the four years that has preceded it left them wondering if Mondale's policies were really the best option.

June came, and the campaign hadn't changed much.  Simon was still well in the lead, and it seemed like he would likely walk away with the presidency.  However, Buchanan had an ace up his sleeve.  On June 23, 1992, he aired a tape depicting ex-DNC Chairman Paul G. Kirk, Jr., immediately following the 1988 election results.  The transcript of this segment is as follows:

KIRK: "ALL I (censored) ASK IS THAT THOSE (censored) UTAH (censored) JUST (censored) READ A (censored) (censored) NEWSPAPER!  WHAT THE (censored) IS (censored) UP WITH THOSE (censored) BACKWARDS (censored) (censored)!?  (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored)!!!!"

The American people didn't like Buchanan's policies a lot, but this was just too much.  This man's outrageous comments were coming from the same party as Simon!  This obviously meant that Simon completely supported everything that Kirk had said!  Simon condemned these statements from Kirk, but the American people weren't about to listen.  After all, they were from the same party!  It's not as if political parties' memberships are diverse or anything!

A July 15, 1992 Gallup poll now put the race as follows:

Buchanan: 57%
Simon: 43%

Now, as running mate selection began, Buchanan looked like he was the likely candidate to win the race.  Simon chose Claiborne Pell of Rhode Island to be his running mate.  Buchanan chose Thad Cochran of Mississippi to be his.

Buchanan/Cochran were running high in the polls despite the public's general dislike of his policies until a surprise event on August 18, 1992.  Defeated Democratic candidate Bill Clinton announced that he was entering the presidential race as an independent because, as he put it, "both of the other candidates are morons."  His running mate was Al Gore of Tennessee, who, despite being a Democrat, decided to run with Clinton because he basically agreed with Clinton's statement.  Now the race was on.

Paul Simon [/color]	Pat Buchanan [/color]	Bill Clinton [/color]

With Simon disgraced for having the audacity to be in the same party as  Paul G. Kirk, Jr. and with only a minority really liking Buchanan, the next Gallup Poll of September 15 looked as follows:

Clinton: 54%
Buchanan: 25%
Simon: 21%

Not much changed from then until the election.  Election night came, and the results were in:



Clinton/Gore: 50.6%, 331 electoral votes
Buchanan/Cochran: 28.1%, 113 electoral votes
Simon/Pell: 21.3%, 94 electoral votes

Clinton won by a comfortable margin.  With Simon defeated, the liberal revolution had finally drawn to a close.  Nevertheless, with the economy going strong, and the Soviet Union and Red China both defeated, the country was assured of its place in the world for many years to come.

The Democrats got the last laugh, though.  Utah residents had become so far out of touch with reality that they didn't even know an election was going on.  The sole voter in Utah was a Democrat from Nevada, who sent Utah to the Democratic column with a margin of 100%.


THE END

[Gabu]

C'mon, someone say something.  Anything!