Comedy Goldmine Rises

[Lief 🗽]

Make sure you completely fill in the circle if you are using a scantron. That is one of my many pet peeves

I love this guy.

[Filuwaúrdjan]

Massimo Pacetti is an Italian from Montreal, so he has Mafia links, yes?

[Paul Kemp]

You must be logged in to read this quote.

https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=136266.msg2914472#msg2914472

[King]

[Yelnoc]

In the parlance of the pornography industry, a 'fluffer' is someone who keeps the star hard and ready to perform throughout the grueling shooting schedule. These unsung heroes of hedonism make it all possible: they ask for none of the glory, but without them, porn would be reduced to the level of a George Lucas film, with actors changing clothes from one edit to the next and switching positions without actually moving.

Rick Santorum is a political fluffer.

[Paul Kemp]

Not enough money for teachers or schools or poor people, but this fat hypocrite can't walk 100 yards to a baseball field.

Have you seen the guy?  Of course he can't walk that kind of distance.  It'd take him a whole day.

I highly doubt it'd take Christie an entire day to walk 100 yards.

...

You've been elected President down in Atlasia, have you?  Interesting.

[Badger]

Mitt Romney is whatever you want him to be, sugar. 150 roses for a half-hour, 300 for a full hour. In-calls only.

[Liberté]

Again, your being heterosexual has nothing to do with your being a bigot - the former is highly in doubt, the latter a certainty.

Also:

She's 37.  White.  Doesn't smoke.  Drinks occasionally.  She was a pin-cushion in college.  She used to keep up with the number of men she had sex with, but lost count at 43.  Anyway, those days are over.  She's a faithful wife and devoted mother.  She has 2.1 children.  And a dog.  She stopped working full time when the first was born, but in the decade since longs to find something to do.  She took an on-line Spanish course, which she thought might come in handy when she and her husband went on a second honeymoon in an all-inclusive resort on the Caribbean coast of Mexico, in the area that FONATUR officials have taken to calling the Riviera Maya, but as it turns out all the employees at her resort spoke enough Spanglish that she didn't need to say anything other than "Una mas, por favor."  She hasn't let herself go, and peddles a stationary bicycle regularly, but her dress size is now 12, up from an 8 when she first got married.  Her hair is spiked and styled with the upward crescent in the back, in that hideous fashion so common now with 30-something suburban women.  And frosted.  She never misses any of her children's recitals, plays, or sporting events.  She reads romance novels and dreams about walking along the Champs-Élysées in the springtime, sipping Bordeaux and dancing to accordion music, but has only been out of the country once.  On that second honeymoon.  She's not particularly religious, but knows how to say Our Father and when to bow her head in a moment of silence.  She hasn't been inside any church since her sister's wedding, where her sister's erstwhile best friend and bridesmaid, Denise, embarrassed everyone by giving four different guys blow jobs at the wedding.  Of course she outwardly sympathizes with her sister.  "Denise did what?!  That slut!"  But deep down she has always admired Denise's spirit and love of life.  She's apolitical in national terms.  She thinks maybe her husband voted for Bush, but he might have voted for Gore.  She totally voted for Hillary Clinton in the Democrat primaries in 2008, but lost interest when that Black Guy won.  But ,when it comes to local politics, she has strong opinions!  She knows who is running for school board and what their priorities are.  And she has attended at least half the PTA meetings this year.  She'll cry when her babies go away to college, but they'll be tears of joy and pride and hope as much as they are tears of wistfulness.  She drives a 2009 Chevrolet Equinox, or maybe a Toyota Rav4.  Last year they drove it to Disneyworld.  She won't let her children watch anything remotely sexually suggestive on television, but will let them watch all manner of gun violence and gory depictions of war.  She has eaten at McDonald's seven times in the past month.  She's mild-mannered and generally polite to strangers, but don't make her angry. 

[opebo]

Again, your being heterosexual has nothing to do with your being a bigot - the former is highly in doubt, the latter a certainty.

Also:

She's 37.  White.  Doesn't smoke.  Drinks occasionally.  She was a pin-cushion in college.  She used to keep up with the number of men she had sex with, but lost count at 43.  Anyway, those days are over.  She's a faithful wife and devoted mother.  She has 2.1 children.  And a dog.  She stopped working full time when the first was born, but in the decade since longs to find something to do.  She took an on-line Spanish course, which she thought might come in handy when she and her husband went on a second honeymoon in an all-inclusive resort on the Caribbean coast of Mexico, in the area that FONATUR officials have taken to calling the Riviera Maya, but as it turns out all the employees at her resort spoke enough Spanglish that she didn't need to say anything other than "Una mas, por favor."  She hasn't let herself go, and peddles a stationary bicycle regularly, but her dress size is now 12, up from an 8 when she first got married.  Her hair is spiked and styled with the upward crescent in the back, in that hideous fashion so common now with 30-something suburban women.  And frosted.  She never misses any of her children's recitals, plays, or sporting events.  She reads romance novels and dreams about walking along the Champs-Élysées in the springtime, sipping Bordeaux and dancing to accordion music, but has only been out of the country once.  On that second honeymoon.  She's not particularly religious, but knows how to say Our Father and when to bow her head in a moment of silence.  She hasn't been inside any church since her sister's wedding, where her sister's erstwhile best friend and bridesmaid, Denise, embarrassed everyone by giving four different guys blow jobs at the wedding.  Of course she outwardly sympathizes with her sister.  "Denise did what?!  That slut!"  But deep down she has always admired Denise's spirit and love of life.  She's apolitical in national terms.  She thinks maybe her husband voted for Bush, but he might have voted for Gore.  She totally voted for Hillary Clinton in the Democrat primaries in 2008, but lost interest when that Black Guy won.  But ,when it comes to local politics, she has strong opinions!  She knows who is running for school board and what their priorities are.  And she has attended at least half the PTA meetings this year.  She'll cry when her babies go away to college, but they'll be tears of joy and pride and hope as much as they are tears of wistfulness.  She drives a 2009 Chevrolet Equinox, or maybe a Toyota Rav4.  Last year they drove it to Disneyworld.  She won't let her children watch anything remotely sexually suggestive on television, but will let them watch all manner of gun violence and gory depictions of war.  She has eaten at McDonald's seven times in the past month.  She's mild-mannered and generally polite to strangers, but don't make her angry. 

I'll get more laughs from my pithy little line simply because of our readers' time constraints.  But angus's is funny too.

[Marokai Backbeat]

Rick Santorum.

[Bacon King]

I sited the dailykos...

But you didn't cite it. If you need help, visit http://easybib.com/

Don't let me catch you not citing sources again.

[Joe Republic]

It's better with context, but not much:

First, to get a girl, stop naming yourself "Wanna See My Weiner?".

[Mr. Morden]

It's better with context, but not much:

First, to get a girl, stop naming yourself "Wanna See My Weiner?".

Actually, my two favorite posts from that thread are:

If a certain New York Congressman pops up when you're around her, you're definitely in love, and this is the only way to know it.

That's how my current relationship started.  Peter King just wouldn't leave us alone.

You are 14 and because of this, you cannot experience love. You also cannot experience lust because I'm assuming your testicles have yet to drop. Don't worry, I'm here to give you advice in spite of this.

For starters, being a libertarian will NOT help you get girls. Being from New Jersey will also not help you get girls. Change your avatar immediately.

You need to ask her out. The movies are a safe bet because then you won't screw anything up by saying something stupid. If she agrees, you are in. If she doesn't, you're an idiot for failing to nab a girl.

Since you are 14, you cannot drive. So how can you take her to the movies? It's simple - get your mother to drive you two.

Most importantly though, make sure you finish your homework before doing this.

[Grumpier Than Uncle Joe]

I don't know or care who the professor is.....I love the guy.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

As far as our original poster goes......you've got the hots for her nothing more........I'd expect you close the door to your room more now than ever.......that too will pass.

That is all.

[RIP Robert H Bork]

Context is needed:

yes

[Marokai Backbeat]

OBAMA LOST THREE POINTS IN APPROVAL, HE'S BEEN COMPLETELY DEMOLISHED.

OBAMA COLLAPSES THREE POINTS IN TRACKING POLL, PALIN ELECTED PRESIDENT IN LANDSLIDE

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Funny cuz it's true

He has sent an apology to Dave, and we're waiting for his response.

Well then he'll never get banned if you're waiting for that. 

[Antonio the Sixth]

So, you're not really far right, because you're not a hawk. And hawks actually are leftwing, rather than rightwing? One of those two things isn't right, my dear.

Both are right.

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

So, you're not really far right, because you're not a hawk. And hawks actually are leftwing, rather than rightwing? One of those two things isn't right, my dear.

Both are right.

I was just going to post that.

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

He gave us another one though:

Its the media trying to tell us as Republicans who our nominee should be. Yet they keep demonizing  Sarah Palin, the Jonas Brothers and other Pentacostals that are in the limelight (Kris Allen, Danny Gokey etc)

Yeah bringing up the Jonas Brothers in a thread about the Presidential nominee. LMAO.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

Kucinich fanboys get plenty of sex.  There are tons of pinko vags (pun intended to the max) out there.  The acting out comes from the fact that their partners are all so damn ugly.

Not every post has to be a failed attempt at humor. We aren't writing for Family Guy.

[Landslide Lyndon]

"Tell me, which is you favorite passage of the Bible?"

"Oh..... all of 'em."

"... But which in particular is your absolute favorite?  The one that you first think of when in search of guidance?"

"Well I'll tell ya, the moment Jesus told his Aposse that he was goin' off to get himself crucified by those Romans, and it was goin' to cost one of 'em those pieces of silver they'd been talkin' about, and you know, he said, well, love him, "I cast... thee... unto the Lord's domain... and into the Kingdom of... Israel" because you know we've really got to stick by our allies over there."

[King]

so, you two characters think you can disrespect me?

This isn't a mafia film, but, basically, yes.

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

I can actually see Miley Cyrus becoming a Marilyn Monroe-esque figure. I think she will become the ultimate American sex symbol.