Starry Eyed Jagaloon
Blairite
Junior Chimp
Posts: 7,835
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« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2022, 11:43:37 PM » |
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My fellow Atlasians,
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Never before have I stood as a candidate for elected office in this great nation—but you saw my candidacy, you trusted me, and you sent me to the senate. I will be forever appreciative. To those who voted for me, thank you. I won’t let you down. To those who opposed my candidacy, I will work everyday on your behalf. As a fresh face in Nyman, let me first speak on how I will approach the awesome task of governance.
I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not my own man. I will be a rubber stamp for the OBD-Truman agenda. I will enable them and I will abandon the senate’s obligation to be a check on the executive. Under no circumstances will I think for myself. My loyalties lie with the party, not the people. I want to stress that I can and will abandon any pledge I make tonight and stab my own party in the back if—and only if—I decide it would be funny.
I want to talk about the three figures who will inspire me, and who will guide my approach to lawmaking. First, my political mentor Truman. Truman once pledged that he will start a major war, commit crimes, divide the nation, pursue power for his own enrichment, and pursue a personal vendetta. Today, I promise that I will follow in his footsteps.
Second, the great humanitarian Deng Xiaoping. Deng wisely wrote that “Centralized power flows from the top down. It is absolutely necessary to obey the directions from above.” No government can withstand internal dissent nor the destructive power of mavericks. Tonight, I promise that any personal attachment I have to political and economic liberalism will be secondary to my loyalty to Truman and OBD.
Third, the great foreign policy thinker HillGoose. HillGoose probably once said something like “let’s bomb our enemies, bruh.” I echo that spirit. Whether it’s subversive Southern Nationalists in Kansas or our enemies abroad, I will always support violence as a solution to our problems.
Although I am not my own man, I will—to the best of my ability—pursue this ten point plan:
1. I believe in expanding the unchecked power of John Dule. John Dule has done an extraordinary job managing Riley County and I believe he should gain control of more nearby counties. I want to emphasize that John Dule should under no circumstances be subject to the rule of law, nor to politicians in Nyman or Denver.
2. I believe in Manifest Destiny. It is Dave’s will that Fremont stretch from the fringes of China to the Mississippi River. Not only is Kansas rightful Fremont Territory, so is Oklahoma and Texas. Furthermore, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta, British Columbia, Nunavut, the Yukon Territory, and the Northwest Territories are all rightful Fremont land. To the south, the entirety of Mexico, Belize, and Guatemala ought to be ruled from Denver. To the west, we must seize control of Japan, the Koreas, the eastern third of Siberia, the Philippines, the eastern third of the Indonesian Archipelago, and the entirety of Oceania.
3. I believe in Buying the World. Rather than fight all these nations, we will simply purchase them. We will assume ownership by taking a 51% share in their country. This innovative solution will allow for more efficient and more profitable imperialism.
4. I believe in self-determination for and the denazification of Kansas. I want to emphasize that this is not in conflict with pledges 1 and 2. Once we exclude the Nazis, the people of Kansas will have the right to choose where they are ruled from, provided that they choose to be ruled from Denver. This will be both fair and democratic.
5. I believe marriage is strictly between humans. Federalist politicians from Nashville to Atlanta have been engaged in disgusting and unnatural practices with dogs. By the thousands, Southerners are taking their dogs to the groomers and returning with wedding rings around their paws. If we must invade Nashville to stop these grooming practices, so be it. Canine rights are embedded in international law, and any government that violates them loses its legitimacy.
6. I believe the Goleta Hypercube is the only way to solve this nation’s housing crisis. I will do everything in my power to get the bill, as written, across the finish line. Innovative and fiscally responsible ideas like this will be a key feature of my time in Nyman.
7. I believe in ensuring the GM remains impartial. Crane has done an excellent job in this role, and we must ensure his time in office continues. Fairness is of the utmost importance.
8. I believe in electoral security. I will stand with Truman and OBD against all voter fraud. Labor won this election, and anyone who disagrees is a liar. There was no conspiracy to bring down Atlasia.
9. I believe in personality cults. Although I traditionally defer to Deng on matters of political stability, I will be rallying the PEOPLE into a wild, orgy-like stupor. While the people will support my agenda, they mostly will support and revere me.
10. I believe in the unifying power of avocados. Truman, at my behest, authorized vouchers to all Angelinos to purchase avocados. I will ensure those vouchers persist indefinitely so working Angelinos can get the help they deserve. To address ecological waste from ethanol use, I will work to put avocado oil in your cars instead. This will allow us to reduce monocrop agriculture in the Midwest. I am an environmentalist.
Los Angeles, Fremont, Atlasia. Thank you! As a new member of the senate, I will deliver you a future you can believe in. May Dave bless you and may Dave continue to bless our great republic. Goodnight!
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