Hashemite deciphers and renames French cabinet portfolios

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French ministries have always had funny and silly names which must be deciphered for the reader's comprehension. Here's a brief explanation of what these ministers really do / did:

Ayrault government
Prime Minister: Minister responsible for the Notre-Dame-des-Landes Airport; Minister responsible for Paper Clips and Staplers

Minister of Foreign Affairs: Minister of Laurent Fabius' Affairs
Minister of National Education: Minister responsible for Firing Teachers
Keeper of the Seals, Minister of Justice: Minister of Gay Marriages and Adoptions; Minister responsible for White Guilt
Minister of the Economy and Finances: Minister of Recession and Merkel's Austerity Formula
Minister of Social Affairs and Healthcare: Minister responsible for Destroying the Welfare State and Public Healthcare
Minister of Territorial Equality and Housing: Minister responsible for Home and Garden Television
Minister of the Interior: Minister of Institutional Racism and Continued Expulsion of Non-Whites
Minister of Foreign Trade: Minister for Selling Our sh**t
Minister of the Redressement productif: Minister of Outsourcing, De-industrialization and Call Centres in Bangalore
Minister of Ecology, Sustainable Development and Energy: Minister responsible for Pretending to Give a sh**t about the Environment
Minister of Labour, Employment, Professional Training and Social Dialogue: Minister of Unemployment
Minister of Defense: Minister for Bombing the sh**t out of Mali
Minister of Culture and Communication: Minister for Bobo Culture in the Marais and La Croix-Rousse
Minister of Higher Education and Research: Minister for Hipster Leftie Students and Leftie Academia
Minister for Women's Rights: Minister responsible for Killing Sexist Pigs (who jack off to pictures of Kristen Stewart all day long)
Minister of Agriculture, Agrifood and the Forest: Minister responsible for Visiting Farms in the Cantal
Minister of State Reform, Decentralization and the Public Sector: Minister responsible for Laying Off Public Servants
Minister of the Overseas: Minister of Hugo Chavez Admiration
Minister of Crafts, Trade and Tourism: Minister for French Wine, Cheese and Food
Minister of Sports, Youth, Popular Education and Community Life: Minister responsible for attending soccer matches

Too many junior ministers, but here are the main ones:
Junior Minister for the Budget: Minister for Tax Evasion and Swiss Bank Accounts
Junior Minister for Agrifood: Minister for Horsemeat
Junior Minister for Seniors and Autonomy: Minister for Smelly Old People in Wheelchairs
Junior Minister for French Citizens Abroad: Minister for Tax Evaders

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I hate the right as well:

Fillon government(s) - all mixed up
Prime Minister: Poison Dwarf's Bitch and Minister responsible for Kristen Stewart Imitations

Minister of Foreign and European Affairs: Minister for Vacations with Ben Ali, Mubarak, Gaddafi and Assorted Bloodthirsty Dictators
Minister of Defense and Veterans: Minister for Guns and Scary sh**t
Minister of Justice and Liberties: Minister responsible for Destroying Civil Liberties
Minister of the Interior, the Overseas and Territorial Collectivities: Minister for Institutional Racism, White Supremacy and Vichy France Nostalgia
Minister of Immigration, Integration, National Identity and Co-Development: Minister for Expulsions of Non-Whites, White Power and Development of Charter Flights to Algiers and Bucharest
Minister of the Economy, Finances and Industry: Minister of Recession, Austerity and Outsourcing
Minister of Labour and Employment: Minister of Unemployment
Minister of Health and Sports: Minister responsible for Buying a Billion H1N1 Vaccines
Minister of National Education, Youth and Community Life: Minister responsible for Correctly Conjugating French Verbs
Minister of the Budget, Public Accounts and State Reform: Minister of the Deficit and Huge Public Debt
Minister of Agriculture, Food, Fisheries, Rural Affairs and Spatial Planning: Minister for Boring sh**t
Minister of Culture and Communication: Minister for Bourgeois Culture (under Albanel); Minister responsible for Child Pornography and Pedophilia (under Mitterrand)
Minister of Solidarity and Social Cohesion: Position created to make sure Bachelot doesn't buy a billion H1N1 vaccines and doesn't spill the beans about who screwed who
Minister of the Public Sector: Minister responsible for Hating all those horrible Communist Lazy Public Servants (under George Tron: Minister responsible for Foot Fetishes, Sexual Harassment and Other Creepy sh**t)
Minister of Youth and Active Solidarities: Minister responsible for Old White Men Trying to Appear Hip (seriously, Marc-Philippe Daubresse was youth minister?!)
Minister of Sports: Minister for Grade 10 Gym Class Jerks and Jocks (never forget that David Douillet was a cabinet minister, as was Bernard Laporte...)

Junior Minister for Parliamentary Relations: Minister responsible for telling MPs that Sarko tells them to "fuck themselves"
Junior Minister for Learning and Training: Minister to Compensate Nadine Morano for Failing Kindergarten
Junior Minister of Transports: More like Minister for Freight Trains to Drancy Concentration Camp amirite? (a joke in bad taste about Thierry Mariani being a fascist)

Secretary of State for Trade, Crafts, Small and Medium Businesses, Tourism, Services, Liberal Professions and Consumption: Secretary of State for Trinklets, Wine and Cheese, Fascist Small Businessmen, the Eiffel Tower, Random Services, Consumption of Internet Porn and Overly Long Legalese Portfolio Titles which Just Mean Secretary of State for Office Supplies and Paper Clips
Secretary of State for the Family: Secretary of State for Thinly Veiled Homophobia
Secretary of State for the Interior and Territorial Communities: Secretary of State for Gerrymandering
Secretary of State for Planning and Development of the Digital Economy: Secretary of State for iPads and iPods and Downloading Didier Barbelivien Music

[Antonio the Sixth]

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Chirac 2 Government - 1986-1988

Prime Minister: Victim of Tonton Francois' antics, Minister responsible for Extramarital Affairs, Minister responsible for Cheap Thatcher and Reagan Fanboyism

Minister of the Economy, Finances and Privatization: Minister of Neoliberalism, Austerity and Undoing Commie Nationalizations
Minister of Justice: Minister of Prisons, Repression, Xenophobia and Corruption
Minister of Defense: Minister of Big Boats and sh**t
Minister of Culture and Communications: Minister for Bourgeois Culture and Mafia Relations
Minister of Foreign Affairs: Minister for Relations with African Dictators
Minister of the Interior: Minister for Institutional Racism, Expulsions of Non-Whites, Money Laundering and Murdering Students
Minister of Equipment, Housing, Spatial Planning and Transportation: Minister for Boring sh**t Noobdy Wants to Do
Minister for the DOM-TOMs: Minister for the Extralegal Murder of Kanaks in New Caledonia
Minister of National Education: Minister for Neoliberal Education and For-Profit Universities
Minister of Social Affairs and Employment: Minister for Crappy Unpaid Jobs and Lay-Offs
Minister of Industry, Posts, Telecommunications and Tourism: Minister for Neoliberal Industry
Minister of Agriculture: Minister responsible for Visiting Farms in the Cantal
Minister of Cooperation: Minister for Paper Clips

[Antonio the Sixth]

This is all so true.

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This is all so true.

Any government you want me to rename/decipher next?

[Antonio the Sixth]

This is all so true.

Any government you want me to rename/decipher next?

The first Mauroy one could be funny, I guess, since this was probably the height in the left's "revolutionary" pomposity.