The Iowa-Minnesota Star

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Hello, Atlasia! This is KoopaDaQuick, editor-in-chief here at the Iowa-Minnesota Star. I'd like to say some things.

Firstly, if you're interested in taking part in one of our Q&A interviews, don't be shy! To make it easier for everyone, if you want a Q&A, click here to fill out a form.

Also, if you wanna submit articles yourself, I'm willing to do that too! Write the article, send it to me, and I might include it.

Finally, please don't be shy to comment on or critique our work. Your feedback helps make the paper thrive and flourish. So by all means, go nuts on the comments.

That's about it. Have a beautiful rest of the week.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Sunday, December 8, 2019
Issue #5

EIGHT CANDIDATES ANNOUNCE RUNS FOR CONGRESS WITHIN 48 HOURS OF EACH OTHER


Politicians flock to announce their runs for office during the Midterms¹

by KoopaDaQuick

The Midterms are creeping around the corner, and that means that lots of people are gonna run for office in order to either get into government, or stay in. And during December 5th and 6th, exactly that happened.

It started Wednesday, December 4. 10:31am Central Standard Time. Lakigigar (F-WI) announced two runs for office at once. One office being the Lincoln Council, the other being the People’s House of Representatives. Roughly five and a half hours later, Rep. Razze (P-FL) announced his candidacy for re-election to the House. Currently, Razze is the most senior member of that house. Four hours and thirteen minutes later, fellow Pax representative YE (P-NV) announced his candidacy for re-election as well. The next day, six hours and eight minutes after YE’s announcement, tack50 (L-ME) announced his run for House.

Eight hours and eight minutes after that, lfromnj (F-NJ) announced a run for Lincoln’s Senate seat, currently held by Sen. PyroTheFox (L-NY). But if you thought that would be the only announcement for that seat that Thursday, you’ve got another thing coming. Two things, in fact. Those two things are two people, being aforementioned incumbent PyroTheFox at 6:25pm CST, and then Blair2015 (L-MA) announced literally five minutes later.

An hour and a half prior to his announcement, at 4:57pm CST, Blair posted a campaign thread, before Pyro had made any announcement about running for re-election. However, Blair didn’t make his announcement until 6:25 that night, just minutes after Pyro’s thread and announcement. Both candidates had sizable endorsement numbers built up very quickly, but at 6:51pm CST, less than half an hour of his announcement, Blair dropped out of the race. When he bided his adieu from the race, he was quoted as saying “I said I wasn't running for my face on vanity fair and now that Pyro is running I know that Lincoln has someone they can trust, and someone who'll keep working hard for them. Pyro has my full support & I'll be campaigning for him in the upcoming Senate Election.”


UPDATE: GM Reactionary Recalled, Successor Pending
by KoopaDaQuick


Former GM Mr. Reactionary upon hearing about his recall²

NYMAN — Last week, our paper’s headline was “ISHAN PETITIONS GM MR. REACTIONARY TO RESIGN” after Ishan’s (L-GU) petition to remove now-former Game Moderator Mr. Reactionary (F-VA) from office. After that paper was published, both Houses of Congress had their final votes on a dismissal ordered by the executive office. With a House vote of 6-2-1-0 and a Senate vote of 6-0-0-1, Congress voted to remove the GM.

Yesterday, after the votes ended, Vice President Pericles (L-MN) posted a public notice notifying the Atlasian public about the matter. MFP AustralianSwingVoter (IF-WA) commented saying that it was “delightful,” and that he “can't wait to see who the 2 new replacements will be,” noting a passage of the GM reform bill that Rep. ReaganClinton20XX (F-CT) said that he has “so much respect for Mr. R.” He also wishes for a “more active return sometime in the near future.”

As of right now, a replacement has not been chosen yet.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Last week's question: Which Atlasian polling organization would you consider to be the most trustworthy? The least?

MOST TRUSTWORTHY
GriffGraph - 38.5% - 5 Votes
Wulfric News Network - 23.1% - 3 Votes
Tack Polling - 7.7% - 1 Vote
Atlas-Reed - 7.7% - 1 Vote
Ogis Polling - 7.7% - 1 Vote
(Write-In) YouGuv - 7.7% - 1 Vote
(Write-In) None* - 7.7% - 1 Vote

LEAST TRUSTWORTHY
Wulfric News Network - 69.2% - 9 Votes
Atlas-Reed - 15.4% - 2 Votes
Ogis Polling - 7.7% - 1 Vote
Tack Polling - 7.7% - 1 Vote

*The vote for ‘None’ fully read “None of the current active ones, I hope The Atlasian Post is brought back.”

Here are the explanations, in no particular order. The Iowa-Minnesota Star respects anonymity, and refuses to publish who responds to its questions.

MOST TRUSTWORTHY

GriffGraph — “Adam does the best job with organizing data in a way that helps people understand it, in addition to weighing responses appropriately.”

GriffGraph — “He only pulls it up, like, three times a year. That alone makes it trustworthy.”

GriffGraph — “His polls are done anonymously, but he does try to sample voters in a representative way so that we can get demographic data which is actually interesting to me.”

Wulfric News Network — “They really seem to get a lot of the elections right and reach a lot of people”

Wulfric News Network — “Number of participants”

Tack Polling — “Because it is my agency of course ”

YouGuv — “Because I run it”

None of the Above — “One particular issue I have is that many polls are way too long and have too many random questions that zombies would be bored by and not understand (eg WNN randomly asking about banning McDonalds). Pollsters should get back to basics and just ask the key questions showing the overall political dynamics of Atlasia.”

LEAST TRUSTWORTHY

Tack Polling — “They only do forum polls, so no weighting is possible”

Ogis Polling — “Recency”

Wulfric News Network — “For whatever reason, many people have a bad attitude towards Wulfric and ignore his polls, causing them to receive a low number of responses. AZ of Atlas-Reed also does a bad job weighing results appropriately.”

Wulfric News Network — “Because Wulfric is a known socialist”

Wulfric News Network — “Controlled by big centrist”

Wulfric News Network — “It’s Wulfric.”

Wulfric News Network — “It's Wulfric. What do you expect? He uses the most cartoonish methodology and asks the most loaded questions. I also suspect that he leaks his data to the Labor Party itself.”

Wulfric News Network — is there any explanation needed?

Wulfric News Network — “Fake news”


This week's question: Should President Adam Griffin run for a fifth term?

Mail your responses via Discord direct messaging, or on our form. The results will be released in next week’s paper.

IMS Editor Running Out of Creativity
by Seeg Urette

MASON CITY, Iowa — A writer for many articles here at The Iowa-Minnesota Star just doesn't have that wit like she used to.

Ms. Laura Laurent of our paper has drawn the inspiration for numerous pieces here at The Star, such as helping us report on the town of River City, Minnesota, which successfully changed its name not too long ago. However, no talent lasts forever.

“What, you expect me to come up with something original this week?” She was pretty stressed out when we asked her how her work was coming along. “I CAN'T COME UP WITH A FAMILY GUY CHURCH HECKLER EVERY SINGLE [expletive] WEEK! CHECK BACK NEXT TUESDAY, MAYBE I'LL ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING DOWN!”

Later that day, she was taken to the Cerro Gordo County Mental Asylum for 48 hours. Sure, this has been a slow news week for the country, and the paper was busy working on other projects the past week. But she had no reason to get crabby at us. Like, just go to a Floridian TV station's website and copy/paste one of their Florida Man articles. I don't know. She'll be back to report on more funny hahas next week. Probably.

Aries
March 21 - April 20
You're going to take wayyy more Pepto-Bismol next Wednesday than you originally anticipated.


Taurus
April 21 - May 21
The answer to question 5 on that quiz that you're gonna take tomorrow is C.


Gemini
May 22 - June 21
Mercury is in retrograde, meaning that you should dress retro and have good grades. I don't know, this newspaper pays me minimum wage to write these, and they don't even proof read this section. PLEASE HELP!!!


Cancer
June 22 - July 22
No, that FedEx package that you just checked on 30 minutes ago hasn't sent you an update since then. Color me surprised.


Leo
July 23 - August 22
Over the next week, you're probably gonna sleep about 7 times. Granted, it's not gonna be a lot of sleep that you'll get those seven times, but whatever.


Virgo
August 23 - September 23
Spoiler alert! Your Star Wars pickup lines aren't gonna pick up any chicks at the bar tonight. Or dudes. I don't know. I just wanna grill for God's sake.


Libra
September 24 - October 23
I would like to take this as an opportunity to apologise to any Libras who I referred to as ‘centrists’ in last week's reading. Those comments were horribly distasteful, and I would like to apologise to anyone who was hurt by me referring to them with such an awful term.


Scorpio
October 24 - November 22
You turn on the television set. You just got home from work, and you're tired. It's a commercial for Sprite Cranberry. Followed by another Sprite Cranberry ad. PLEASE SPARE ME FROM YOUR TORTURE, LEBRON! I AM AN INNOCENT MAN!


Sagittarius
November 23 - December 21
Your Spanish class is going to roar in laughter when you secretly write “peepee” on the whiteboard while the teacher isn't looking.


Capricorn
December 21 - January 20
The name ‘Capricorn’ makes me think about candy corn flavored Capri-Sun. I don't like that. Expect a bad week ahead.


Aquarius
January 21 - February 19
A kind-hearted stranger will lend you some super rare Pokémon cards in exchange for one of your kidneys. Take the offer. They're those cool flashy shiny silver ones.


Pisces
February 20 - March 20
Uh oh! Your brother and his wife are going on vacation to Niagara Falls next weekend, and you have to babysit their daughter Amanda, no matter how much you don't understand children.

Enjoyed today's paper?
Let us know what you think! All comments, critiques, and opinions, both positive and negative, are welcome. Thank you for reading The Iowa-Minnesota Star, and have a great week.




Photo Citations

1) Her Campus - Travel Guide: Washington D.C.

2) ABC News - Justice Clarence Thomas rebukes Biden-led confirmation hearings in new film


All images not listed here that appear in this paper are either OC or in the public domain.

[AustralianSwingVoter]

MFP AustralianSwingVoter (IF-WA) commented saying that it was “delightful,” and that he “can't wait to see who the 2 new replacements will be,”

Political non-entity surprised to be seriously mentioned in proper media article.

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

This will go in my team's press clips tomorrow morning!

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Hey all,

Next week's paper has been delayed. The Iowa-Minnesota Star Issue #5 will be published on Monday, December 16, 2019. The reason for the delay is so that we can provide accurate and legit post-midterm results. Issue #6 is set to issue the following Sunday like regular.

Good luck to everyone running,

[tmthforu94]

I left several months ago due to disgust at the attacks leveled on Lumine, who is a high caliber person and a friend. Dealing with Atlasia in any aspect was not something I wanted to do at the time. We should be better than that. I have decided to rejoin the game to support candidates who can better Atlasia, because while my interest has waned, I still think the game can have a positive impact for many and would like to see it continue.

I'm still a Federalist at heart, but won't vote based on party affiliation but on who I think will be active and make a positive impact. I have absolutely no plans at running for any office.

*All that being said, pretty sure I'm currently ineligible based on number of posts. Have had an incredibly busy/tumultuous few months, but things will hopefully be settling down soon

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Hey, Atlasia! The Iowa-Minnesota Star is hosting the February 2020 Labor Presidential Primary Debate next month, the first ever Atlasian debate for both the IMS as well as for the 2020s decade. The two contenders will be Vice President Pericles of Minnesota and Senator MB298 of Puerto Rico. Debating will start on Thursday, January 2nd, and will finish at the end on Wednesday, January 8th. It will be held on campus at the University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls, Iowa. The two candidates will make opening statements, answer questions, and go head-to-head on the issues that matter to you.

However, we will need a little bit of help from the Atlasian people in order to make the debate the best that it can possibly be. Do you have any questions for the debate? Please mail them to us!

Koopa D. Quick
420 Nyman Ave.
Clear Lake, IA 50428

However, it would also be cool if you could send us your questions via Atlas private messaging or Discord direct messaging, either is fine. You can direct your questions to either Pericles, MB, or both. The debate itself will take place on its own thread, meanwhile commentary over the debate shall take place separately on the IMS’s official thread.

Please send us your questions, and we wish the best of luck to the senator and to the vice president!

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

This thread shall be used for commentary about the Labor primary debate between Pericles and MB. You can view the debate by clicking here.

[AustralianSwingVoter]

Are we able to ask questions to the candidates?

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Are we able to ask questions to the candidates?

I mean, you could've earlier on, but I don't wanna delay anything more than I've had to already, and I want to get the first round started as soon as possible.

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

This Weatherboy admin alum does not appreciate the corporate media's biased questions attacking the former President!

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

Under that admin., the 2nd Korean War ended!

[Former President tack50]

This Weatherboy admin alum does not appreciate the corporate media's biased questions attacking the former President!

I mean my poll a way back did indeed find WB as the most unpopular president post-reset, only rivaled by Goldwater.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

This Weatherboy admin alum does not appreciate the corporate media's biased questions attacking the former President!

considered to be

[fhtagn]

Under the leadership of Adam Griffin and myself, Labor and Atlasia are on the right track, and we are enacting our progressive agenda. However, there is still more work to be done, and we need to entrench the progress that has already been made. We have the vision and proven leadership to take us forward.

Pretty funny considering neither Pericles nor Adam (especially Adam) have done anything meaningful as far as policy during their time in office. Adam just sits back and signs stuff while the rest of his party does the actual work, providing absolutely no discussion with Congress. It's also worth noting that Pericles seems to misunderstand what his current job entails, since nothing about his current job in Atlasia has anything to do with enacting an agenda.

What my opponent is offering is winning on the back of right-wing voters

Neither of you would be doing that, as neither of you offer a platform that is in any way appealing to the right.

[windjammer]

This debate has become nasty.

[PSOL]

This debate has become nasty.

It’s a primary, ultimately this is the place for the care of the party to be said aloud as each candidate critiques the other.

[windjammer]

This debate has become nasty.

It’s a primary, ultimately this is the place for the care of the party to be said aloud as each candidate critiques the other.

This doesn't mean it has to become nasty.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

Wednesday, January 28, 2020
Issue #6

MIDLANDER WINS TIGHT SOUTHERN GOVERNOR RACE BY ONE VOTE


West_Midlander on a North Carolinian radio show after receiving the news of his victory¹

by Koopa D. Quick

RALEIGH — The South had an election deciding who should lead the region when incumbent Gov. Leinad (P-GA) leaves office. Running were two candidates: Deputy Speaker Muaddib (C-MS) and Delegate West_Midlander (L-NC). The race was hard-fought and bitter, and it was predicted that every vote would matter. Now, looking at the race in hindsight, every vote did sure as hell matter.
 
To call this race a nail-biter would be a massive understatement. When polls closed across Dixie, and when the votes were tallied up, it was concluded that West_Midlander had won the governor’s mansion by winning one vote. According to Secretary of Federal Elections Peebs (P-NC), the popular vote totals were 35-34 in favor of Midlander. If you want a percentage, that’s 50.72% to Muaddib’s 49.28%.
 
Shortly after news broke of the tight victory, Midlander was quoted thanking the Southern people, his supporters, and his opponent on North Carolina radio station WKDQ-AM. “Finally, I would like to thank Muaddib for a spirited campaign” he said. “I appreciated the Deputy Speaker's willingness to debate when I suggested it, and I thank him for engaging in a civil campaign with me. I wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors.”
 
Muaddib thanked fellow Federalist candidates and congratulated Midlander in his concession speech. “I'd like to wish my friend, and opponent, and soon to be former colleague of the chamber,  West_Midlander all the best as he takes the Governorship of this Great Region of the South that is Dixieland. I also wish you the best with working with for 17th session of the Chamber of Delegates.”
 
However, now that the gubernatorial election is behind us, we can now look forward to the South putting partisanship aside and uniting as one to fight for a better Dixie.



FCC investigates mysterious people lighting up former campaigners’ phones everywhere
by Sprap McCracken


The FCC has been reporting a rise in “bruh moments” throughout the country²

NYMAN — An investigation from Federal Communications Commission has been initiated revolving around numerous complaints from former members of numerous presidential campaigns.

These campaign workers claim that two mysterious people, one located in the state of Connecticut in the Lincoln Region, and the other located South Carolina of the Southern Region, are calling up people in the middle of the night asking about their campaign experiences.

One campaigner, Boris Shmergbörger of Florida, who worked on DfwLibertyLover’s 2017 re-election campaign, stated “I was sitting in my den one night when I get these calls from these two mystery fellers. That southern one asked me ‘bout my campaigning with the former President. I said he was a damn traitor to the party and to never call me again or I’ll personally come up to West Carolina and kick his ass.” We still can not confirm whether West Carolina is a state or not, but sources say no.

Another campaigner, Andy Van Sklunk of Delaware, who worked for Harry S Truman’s ill-fated June 2016 Presidential campaign, had this to say: “You know, I’d be glad to answer if they weren’t waking me up in the middle of the night and justifying it by saying they got my number off of an old campaign website.”

The FCC stated little about the people involved, however, they believe there may be others involved in this tirade of phone call frenzies, two other numbers being investigated originate from Maryland and Iowa. They additionally stated that it was “A slow day at the office,” and “We aren’t exactly sure why were perusing such a inconsequential case, but here we are.”



“Secular Temple of Rogu” on the rise
by Blarf Shmargwhistle


Rogú (formerly Ragú) pasta sauce has seen an uptick of sales after a new mascot unveiling

BOSTON — It has been known for a while now that there has been a cult following around the hit Seth Macfarlane animated sitcom “American Dad” and it’s character “Rogu.” Well recently, the character’s support has reached a fever pitch with the opening of “The Secular Temple of Rogu” this Sunday morning.

The Temple’s membership has grown significantly since the morning, expanding from 5 key members to 13 members and counting overall by the end of the night. They all follow an ideology known as Roguism, specifically revolving around the American Dad character, though it does have a few bylaws as of now. The rules of Rogustan promise that it is not a religion, rather a cultural movement, and that it promotes democracy and liberal-democratic institutions.

One curious bylaw, however, is its ban of the Lincoln state of Wisconsin. Neither Lincoln Governor Jimmy7821 nor Roguism’s Atlasian ambassador SilentCal1924 have commented on the policy, though Roguism’s Justice Minister, Crashguy42, has called the region “Evil,” and claims the ban comes from new reports of strange occurrences involving phone lines in the state.

It’s currently in the process of setting up a governmental body and establishing pseudo-regions of its own, including a Senate body and Ministerial positions. Temple leader Comrade Eldo "Sunriso" Weehohodoof has promised that this will be a cultural evolution.

Cultural evolution or just cult, we’ll have to wait for more information.


Frémont parliamentarian makes comments about the entire state of Wisconsin being “cringe”
by Eatdat P. Forforfyv


The parliamentarian has received both praise and criticism for these comments³

DENVER — MFP Koopa D. Quick (M-IA) has been both celebrated and condemned for her controversial comments about the state of Wisconsin.

“I do not like America’s Dairyland. I do not like it, Koop-I-am!”

Earlier last Friday, Koopa received a bunch of calls at her office in Waterloo, all of which were from Wisconsin area codes. They stated that she has “seven days” and that they “don’t care” about the fact that her husband is lactose intolerant.

When on recess during a parliamentary session, she told the IMS that she thinks “the state of Wisconsin is cringe” and that “she will never ever eat at Culver’s again.” Justifying these comments, she says that “Wisconsin dairy sucks anyways,” and that Vermont cheese is “a million times better.”

The state legislature has passed a motion condemning the MFP, and Iowan cable company Mediacom says that she is also now banned from watching That 70s Show reruns on TVLand for “her own safety.”

Enjoyed today's paper?
Let us know what you think! All comments, critiques, and opinions, both positive and negative, are welcome. Thank you for reading The Iowa-Minnesota Star, and have a great week.
 

 

Photo Citations
 
1) Paul Marotta/Getty Images for Siriusxm - New York Times: "Sununu & Son: A Play for Primary Day"
2) PCWorld - FCC tells Internet providers to get customer permission before sharing sensitive info
3) Iowa PBS - Iowa Press - Congresswoman-Elect Cindy Axne

All images not listed here that appear in this paper are either OC or in the public domain.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

I'd like to personally thank ReaganClinton Sprap McCracken and Blarf Shmargwhistle for the amazing insight into the FCC and Rogu.

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

I was gonna do coverage of the February 2020 election on the IMS, but I decided to opt out due to potential bias and conflict of interest. However, have this unused intro that I would've used:

[GM Team Member and Deputy PPT WB]

when is the next issue?

[KoopaDaQuick 🇵🇸]

when is the next issue?

it's because the paper's trash

[GM Team Member and Deputy PPT WB]

when is the next issue?

it's because the paper's trash

a) it's not
2) that doesnt answer my question
iii) ur mom gay lmao

[GM Team Member and Deputy PPT WB]

when is the next issue?