Under the Surface

[Brewer]

"And what a truly historic day it is for the United States of America, as President-elect Joseph R. Biden heads to the Capitol for his Swearing-in Ceremony. Today, January 20th, 2017, marks the conclusion of a whirlwind of astonishing and unprecedented political events -- events which are sure to distinguish this election from any in modern American history."

Results of 2016 U.S. Presidential Election

Joseph R. Biden (D-DE)/Tammy S. Baldwin (D-WI) - 270 EV (50.1%)
Scott K. Walker (R-WI)/Brian E. Sandoval (R-NV) - 268 EV (49.7%)

Blue = Republican
Red = Democrat
Green = Republican w/ Faithless Elector
"Mr. President-elect, are you sure you're alright?" muttered a cautious Steve Ricchetti as he leaned against the bathroom stall.

"I told you, I'm fine. I just...it's been a long week, man. Gimme a second," replied the elder statesman and soon-to-be most powerful man in the world, currently kneeling over a marble toilet bowl. "Boy, have you every really carefully examined these babies? What a work of a-"

Ricchetti grimaced as the spattering of Joe Biden's breakfast echoed throughout the room.

"Listen, you've got millions of people waiting to see you be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. This whole mess has already been controversial enough -- with all due respect, sir, we can't just keep them all waiting while you get your nerves under control."

Finally, the retching stopped. No more echoes of projectile vomiting -- rather, an incredibly loud silence filled the atmosphere of the capitol bathroom.

"GET THE F**CK OUT!" bellowed the President-elect. Ricchetti recoiled from the stall, his ears ringing from the thunderous roar. Quietly, he slipped out the door, resting on the wall outside. He had been working closely with Joe Biden for nearly five years, and never -- never -- had he seen, or rather, heard him so...enraged.

Inside the bathroom stall, Joe curled into a fetal position on the ice-cold marble floor. "Beau...Beau..." he whimpered, shivering, tears streaming steadily down the worn and wrinkled surface of his face. "They told me it was -- it was the only way, the only way to win. We deserve this...we deserve this...I do, Jill does, Ashley and Hunter do, Naomi and mom do, you do...we deserve this."

His sobs came to an abrupt halt. Slowly, he picked himself up off the ground and creaked open the stall door, adjusting and wiping off his suit. He meandered over to the sink and twisted the cold water knob, splashing it onto his face, careful to splatter as little as possible onto his already disheveled clothing. He looked up, and the man staring back at him was no man he had ever seen before. He and his reflection shared a piercing stare, far icier than the marble floor he had broken down onto, as numbingly cold as the bitter January air outside the Capitol Building.

"Who are you?" he whispered.

But he knew exactly who it was. It was Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr.

Father.

Grandfather.

President.

Murderer.

[DKrol]

You've got me hook, line, and sinker.

[/]

You've got me hook, line, and sinker.

[Brewer]

"Wow, I mean...this is incredible. This is something that has not occurred in this country in nearly 200 years, something absolutely earth-shattering in the world of politics. While Joe Biden has won a majority of the popular vote in this election, neither he nor Scott Walker have reached a majority in the vote that really matters -- that is, the electoral vote. It's a 269-269 tie. This election is no longer decided by the American people -- this election is now in the hands of the United States Congress." - Rachel Maddow, The Rachel Maddow Show (11/9/2016)November 23, 2016 -  In the Living Room of Steve Ricchetti

Ricchetti: Thank you for coming, Mr.-

Unidentified: No need to say names, my friend. "Mr." is just fine.

Ricchetti, confused: Uh... right. Anyway, I'm sure we're both quite aware of why you're here. The Vice President has made it clear to me that he wants to do whatever it takes to win this election. If it gets sent to Congress, we're done for, no doubt about it. Republicans control both chambers, we're dead on arrival.

Unidentified: ...whatever it takes? Are you sure? Because I hope I'm not wasting my time here so I can have some Washington staffer demand that I go have tea with a Republican elector and "appeal to his better judgment".

Ricchetti, scowling: I wouldn't have called you here if that were the case. I've been told by... friends that you're good at what you do.

Unidentified: Damn good.

Ricchetti: Well, this is the most important job of your life. If Scott Walker wins this election, it means working-class Americans are given the boot, people's healthcare is stripped away, advances on climate change are for naught, human rights are annihilated, education is headed down the drai-

Unidentified snickers.

Ricchetti: I'm sorry, did I say something funny?

Unidentified: No, it's just... I've never had a client as confident as you devote so much energy to excusing their very presence here, in front of me. No need to try and clear your conscience, my friend. If we go through with this, it's for good reasons. Very good reasons.

Ricchetti: Right... well, yes, of course... um...

Ricchetti pulls out a sheet of paper and begins scrolling his eyes down the list of names printed on it.

Ricchetti, pointing to a name: Richard Schultz. Age 52, married, three kids, lives in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Was a two-term State Representative before losing in '08. Has remained active in Iowa Republican politics ever since.

Unidentifed, grabbing the paper from Ricchetti's hands: That's our guy, then?

Ricchetti: I've been looking him over for the past week or so -- I think he's just right. I'm not sure what path you want to take, however.

Unidentified, smirking: Eh, I'll have a talk with him. Give him a little scare, nothing major.

Ricchetti: ...you must not allow ANY of this to become public. If you do... Jesus...

Unidentified: There'd be trials, rioting, anarchy, I know. You're not the first politician I've ever worked with, boss.

Ricchetti: You f**ck this up, I'll be the last one you work with. We'll all spend the rest of our lives in prison and the country will crumble. Make it clean.

Unidentified: Sure thing, boss. Clean as a whistle.
"You know, think of just how hard Joe Biden has fought to get to where he is today: likely Presidential runner-up in the year 2016. I mean, the challenges he has had to face, whether it be as recent as his defeat of Hillary Clinton in the primaries to the first campaign he ran --  in, um -- in Dela-- I apologize, it seems we're receiving some breaking news from the gathering of the Electoral College..." - Chris Matthews (12/19/2016)

Statement from Richard Schultz (December 22, 2016)

"These past few days have undoubtedly been the most tumultuous of my entire life. When I first became involved in politics here in the state of Iowa, it was because I had an unrivaled love for this great country and a real appreciation of all the hard-working folks who go to work every day to make this country what it is today. After witnessing what a hard-fought election this was, I believe Scott Walker is an honorable man, but I do not believe he is the right man to be President. I believe that man is Joe Biden. If I am to truly serve my duties as a father, a grandfather, and a man who simply loves the United States of America, I simply cannot allow myself to hand Governor Walker, a man who I believe will lead us into a darker, perilous future, the keys to the White House. I understand that after today, I may be just about the most hated man in America. But by making a sacrifice to ensure that my kids and grandkids have the same chances in life that I was blessed by our Creator with, I believe in my heart of hearts that this is the right decision. I ask for privacy for myself and my family during these times."

[Enderman]

Brewer's Back! Yay


Anyways, Oh Holy Snap! Lol