Response from Vladimir (four words at a time, read with Russian accent)

[Mr. Morden]

this letter to end.

[Mr. Morden]

Here's the full transcript (with light editing for punctuation):

Mister Obama,

I must bang my hot girlfriend in Olympic Village while you continue to merely whine about Ukraine.  Stage 3 sanctions will cripple your ability to get more girls, which are already quite horrible.  I have to some babies from Oklahoma.  Speaking of Oklahoma, why do your states have areas worse than Siberia, and women named Tammy?  Your pathetic country makes me want to annex Alaska (which is ours), and exile Sarah Palin.  You can then get some peace of mind until I start invading Canada, which everyone hates.

The Crimea River is the most impressive river, and across it I will reign for centuries.  Freedom of speech, apparently offensive to Xahar, can be restored by my moderate action, even though my cossack minions prefer dancing the night away.  In Sochi, we celebrated the absolute straightness of paratrooper troops, which are not invading, just protecting the absolute straightness of Mother Russia.  So, Obama, you must accept that the absolute straightness of studs like me must yell Baba Booey at fascist noobs.

Finally, I will remind you that social conservatives in the eastern half of Ukraine get baseball bat to head.  Very, very injury.  Now, it's time for this letter to end.

[Ban my account ffs!]

This one got so much better at the end.  Thank you Tik.