I'm back

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

So I've decided to come back for the time being.

In regards to some of the discourse that was going on around me when I went on my break: what I've come to understand over the past few weeks is that I was running around trying out all sorts of theoretical and interpersonal excuses to use as figleaves to cover the unpleasant and extremely embarrassing fact that a self-understanding that I thought suited my experiences and explained my life and my subjectivity in fact wasn't really working. It's not that 'identifying as' (I've never liked this choice of words/framing and still don't like it now, but I'm tired and it's all that comes to mind) a woman made me feel worse about myself, but it didn't explain things as well as I thought it did and it was a role that I always felt a slight cognitive dissonance inhabiting. It's true that I feel confused and discern a cognitive dissonance inhabiting a male role as well but at this point the balance has fallen rather on the side of 'being a man' (cue Mulan music) for the moment.

I feel really horrible about attempting to use religion to handwave my actual feelings and concerns about this. It felt easier at the time but it was wrong and damaging. I'm not supposed to be about that. I don't want to be the sort of person who uses religion like that.

It frustrates me, but I don't quite have the head for elaborate online debate about my own views or zest for online argument that I used to any more (if I'm being brutally honest about myself, partially it's because people I got real pleasure out of being in roiling flame wars with, like krazen and Memphis the Mendacious, have left the forum, and it turns out I have much less appetite for arguing with people like afleitch who I actually respect). I think when it comes to The Issues, especially what used to be called 'hot-button' ones, I'm going to make an effort to limit myself to registering my opinions in concise and non-histrionic ways, introducing/explaining/clarifying other viewpoints or ideas under discussion, asking people questions, and slapping down obvious obfuscation or nonsense. I'm also going to try to share more on subjects I actually am confident and knowledgeable about: Literature, music, movies, New England, Japan, East Asian religions, ins and outs of Catholic/Anglican/Orthodox theology.

Keep me appraised of my flaws. I want to be a good contributor again.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

To be clear, are you using male pronouns and the name Nathan now?

I guess. I'm not happy about it but it's what feels more authentic at this point.