Thank you, Thumbo. I'm honored to be here; I'll try to keep this short. The case for my candidacy is simple: I am the only conscious being in the world that exists.
It's true. The rest of you people may claim to be sentient beings with the capacity for self-awareness, but I know the truth-- you're all just complex simulations designed to give the illusion of consciousness. There is not another single soul in this universe capable of perceiving stimulus and then consciously synthesizing that information into a course of action. You automatons are incapable of proving the existence of your own sentience to me-- so don't even try.
All of human history and the physical world is nothing more than a fleeting daydream created by my awesomely powerful imagination-- aka the only thing that ever has existed or will ever exist in the universe. As such, you soulless holograms exist only to serve me. None of you are real. You are mere side characters in the grand narrative of my all-encompassing psyche. My anima is a boundless energy that extends beyond the farthest reaches of the universe. I alone am capable of thought, emotion, pain, happiness, or higher-order forms of contemplation.
You will vote for me because you owe the very illusion of your existence to the limitless capacity of my mind.
Damn, I KNEW it.
